I just gave birth on July 17th. It was quite traumatic for me personally. I was trying for a VBAC (vaginal birth after C-section), but I had to be induced. Unfortunately, the baby wasn’t responding well to the induction medications—his heart rate and oxygen levels were dropping—so we had to go forward with a repeat C-section. I was terrified because C-sections are extremely difficult to recover from, and I truly didn’t want to have another one. I really wanted a VBAC.
After the C-section, the baby had to be taken to the NICU for almost a week, and that was incredibly emotional for both me and my husband. Not having our own baby in the room with us was heartbreaking.
But here’s the other traumatic part of my birth experience—this time, it’s about my mother.
My mom has never truly been a supportive person. She was abusive when I was a child, and she has always been narcissistic and dishonest. She even tells my child that I’m annoying when they visit or stay over. While I was in the hospital, she behaved in ways that made an already hard time even more painful.
One night around 2:30 a.m., she kept texting both me and my husband every five minutes. We were exhausted and trying to get some rest, but we couldn’t because our phones kept going off. I politely asked her to stop and told her that we were trying to rest and focus on the baby and my recovery. Her response was: “Wow, okay. Guess I won’t worry anymore. I won’t text you anymore.” Then she went as far as deleting me from social media. And yet today, she re-added me like nothing happened.
Another incident happened when she kept demanding pictures of the baby. I understand being excited, but I had just gone through a painful, traumatic birth, and our baby was in the NICU with health issues. We were emotionally drained and just trying to keep it together. I managed to send one photo to my older child, but I hadn’t had the chance to take more. My mother texted me saying, “Why didn’t I get the first picture? I’m your mother and that’s my grandchild.” I explained that I barely had any pictures and that the baby’s siblings got to see him first—that’s their little brother. Her response? “Yep, bye. Have a good day.” Just childish.
Then we accidentally left the baby’s car seat at home. She offered to bring it to the hospital, knowing we couldn’t leave without it. Then she suddenly said she wasn’t bringing it after all and made me practically beg her to do it. She even called me a nasty name a cunt,and when she finally did bring it, she acted like nothing had happened. I ignored her. She threw the car seat on the ground and left.
When I tried to talk to her honestly about how much her behavior hurt me—that she made me break down at least five times in the hospital—she turned everything around. She said I wasn’t grateful for anything, and claimed she’s done so much for me. She said she only got mad because I supposedly talk to her like she’s a child.
Things also escalated when she found out that my mother-in-law was back in our life. My husband and I had kept her out of our lives for about ten years for very real reasons, but we believe she’s changed and made the decision together to allow her back in. As soon as my mom found out, her behavior turned cruel. She started making comments like, “Go ask your mother-in-law for help,” or “Go ask your mother-in-law for the car seat.” She even asked if my mother-in-law got to see the baby first. The jealousy was obvious, and I’m the one who’s taken the brunt of that jealousy.
I told her I needed space. Her response? “Pretend I’m not alive anymore. I’m dead to you.” Forgot to add when she offered to stay with me for a couple days i politely declined she got mad at me over that to . Another incident was when she asked to visit as soon as I got home I said a small visit would be fine. Her response? What’s the fucking point of vision for five or six minutes I said you could visit an hour and she kept saying it was gonna be more like five or six minutes. So now I’m left wondering: How long would you stop talking to your mom if you were in my position?
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Stop explaining yourself , the word “no” is enough .
I wouldn’t put a time limit on it. I’d simply go no contact, block her on social media, block her on your phone. It’s time to put yourself and your child first. She’s going to cause drama no matter what you do, so really at this point what is the difference?
Congrats on your new little one. Please put up an immediate wall between you mother’s negativity and the health of your family.
I wouldn’t reach out, ever
Forever. As long as it takes.
She took a painful, traumatic moment in your life and decided to make it all about her repeatedly. Every bit of help that you request or that is offered comes with obvious strings and hidden emotional costs.
The longer you allow her to treat you like this in front of your children is more time for them to normalize this behavior. Your children are going to start to receive this same behavior once their novelty wears off.
It is your responsibility to not only protect yourself but your children and your spouse from a known threat.
Forever. Truly.
Congrats on getting through the c-section and the new little bundle of joy. Focus on you and the baby as that is where your energy is needed.
What good does your mother bring? Doesn’t sound like much. You should have blocked her, or at least silenced her, on your phones while you were in the hospital. Change her notification details to silent with no vibration so you’re not bothered by her but can still know of them when you’re ready to. The phone is there for YOUR use when YOU want it.
You already know that she’s a narcissist, so being dishonest comes with that naturally. The only way to win with a narcissist is to not play. Truly. They change the rules to suit their new circumstances, sometimes within the same conversation. They are never truly wrong, they will just claim to be, dramatically, when trying to make the other person feel guilty. It’s a vicious cycle.
This is a significant time in the lives of your immediate family, none of you need this kind of stress or conditional support/ love. Let her go for a bit. You got real priorities. A ‘pick me’ parent doesn’t need to be one of them. Mute her number. Let texts go unanswered for a few days. If you really need to, tell her you’re preoccupied with baby and children, and will only communicate with her once a week. Time for her to manage on her own for a bit, and not use you as an emotional punching bag. Congrats on the newest family member!
“So now I’m left wondering: How long would you stop talking to your mom if you were in my position?”
20-25 years.
Your mother is deeply disturbed, your continued chasing of her & her approval will damage you and your children .
Congrats on the baby OP
I’m sorry you are going through this mess
You will never have the mother you deserve. You’re allowed to cut her off.
Hugs from me and all the best for you little family.
First of all, your mom is abusive. Her behavior towards you is hurtful and toxic. That can be a hard thing to accept when the person hurting you is the one person who you should be able to count on. I am sorry that you are dealing with this. With these circumstances I recommend going NC. She lacks the introspection and accountability to be able to understand the impact of her actions. You need to protect yourself and your young family. Be strong, OP. You’ve got this.
Your mom’s behavior is toxic. Given your history with her abuse and narcissism, it’s no surprise you’re feeling drained. You’ve set boundaries, and she’s choosing to ignore them. Consider keeping distance for your own emotional well-being and your baby’s.
I haven’t talked to mine in 3 years. Even my mum’s worst behavior makes her look like an angel compared to the nasty and mean behavior from your mum.
Using your very vulnerable state after having a baby to hurt you? Yea, that’s really sick. I’m sorry that your own mum is your biggest bully.
Pretty much forever would be my answer. She told you to cut her off so cut her off and live a trauma, stress free life. Good luck and protect your kids as you know what you went thru as a child at her hands.