I (27F) recently went to a dinner party that my husband (28M)’s family planned, and we took our two kids (2F and 6monthsF). I was already dreading it to begin with since a lot of his family (besides his parents and almost all of his siblings except one) don’t like me and I hate being in conflict.
So the first problem arose when we showed up at my SIL (coincidentaly the one that doesnt like me)’s (30F) house where the party was taking place, and my husband immediately just got out of the car and walked inside without even looking back to see if I needed help getting the kids out of the car. Luckily MIL saw that happen and she came to help me; later, I asked him why he did that and all he had to say was “i saw an old family friend and didn’t want to miss him” so whatever, I let it go.
Then later, everyone was sitting in the living room together (besides SIL who was making the food) and i guess so all of the kids that were there wouldn’t be so picky, SIL was making separate food for the kids but the food wasn’t ready in time for the adults food to get ready. So, SIL asked who would be okay with sitting with the kids until their food was ready. Without asking me first, my husband said “you can do it, right?” Pointing at me but didn’t even give me a chance to respond before he walked out. MIL said she wanted to stay and help me, but I told her it was okay and she could to eat.
Then once we all got to eat dinner, our older daughter wanted to sit with MIL to eat dinner and I asked MIL if that was okay and of course she said yes. But then during dinner, SIL kept making really judgemental comments towards me and my kids that were making me really uncomfortable to the point where I REALLY didn’t want to be there anymore but I just pushed through anyways because my kids were having fun and they didn’t seem to understand what was going on and I didn’t want to ruin their fun.
About an hour after dinner, everyone was just hanging out and talking, we had been there for 4 hours at this point which even just being there for that long was huge for me because I have really bad social anxiety and typically don’t last long at social gatherings. So anyways, and hour after dinner, the kids were getting cranky and tired, I had met my limit and wanted to go home so I went to find my husband to tell him we wanted to go home. It took me 10 minutes to find him and when I did he asked me to give him 20 minutes to say bye and finish his conversation, so I went back where I came from and waited.
Another HALF AN HOUR went by and still no sigh of him, so i went and found him again in the exact same spot he was in before and I told him he had until I got the kids in the car before I left him there. He barely acknowledged me and just nodded, so I did exactly that, got the kids into the car, and then waited an additional 10 minutes, nothing. So I left and went home.
An HOUR AND A HALF LATER he texted me asking where I was and I told him that I was home and then he didn’t respond. He got home 30 minutes later and immediately started screaming about how I was rude and selfish for just leaving like that and that I should’ve taken his feelings more into consideration because he never gets to see his family (which is a total lie)
Now since then he keeps giving me the silent treatment and if it’s not that he starts arguments for no good reason. AITAH here?
Comments
NTA: OP you need to have a serious talk with your husband about his behavior. Leaving you and the children is unacceptable and should be addressed in order to make sure this doesn’t happen again. Figure out the steps from there. You can even try to have your MIL talk to him with you because she has also seen his behavior towards you.
Honey, YOU ARE NOT THE AH. Neither is your MIL, she seems sweet. Your husband and your SIL? TOTAL AHs!!
Both of you are AH. I highly doubt an entire family hates you and he is man/child.
NTA Updateme
NTA. Sounds like your husband only wants to show off to his family and he’s not even defending you when your SIL or anyone else makes snide comments about you. If I were you, I’d be looking into getting those divorce papers ready and shutting down any joint bank accounts you may have, shutting down any bills or expenses you pay and taking the kids and moving to somewhere safe. Because if your husband is ignoring you and leaving you to take care of the kids at social gatherings, only to blow up at you for him ignoring your warnings of you and the kids being ready to go home and you’re going to leave without him, yea that’s not a husband.
NTA, your husband is horrible and doesn’t seem to care about himself much more than you or the kids. You need to talk to him and try to have him understand how his actions are hurting you and explain why it’s unsustainable
NTA. Why does your husband suddenly act single and childless when around his family? That is a major red flag.
NTA but … you say most of his family doesn’t like you. Does he like you? This isn’t how someone who loves or even likes someone else treats them. I’m so sorry but you have bigger questions to answer than whether you were the ah this one night. You should never have to be treated so poorly by the person who is supposed to love and care for you more than anyone else above all others. You deserve better.
From this post, it sounds like the people in your husband’s family who don’t like you includes him….?
WTAF is going on here, is this part of a pattern with him or is this totally unexpected, first-time behaviour?
Either way NTA, but if he routinely behaves this way you need to understand if you do nothing, it will continue and eventually your kids will think this is normal and repeat these toxic patterns in their own adult relationships. It is not in any way OK for your partner to be this dismissive and disrespectful towards you.
Relationship counselling and immediate improvement or bust would be the options I’d give him.
NTA. How are you still with this man? WHY are you still with him? His lack of empathy, husbandness and fatherness are disturbing. Is he always like this? Selfish, rude, and self serving?
You know deep down that you aren’t the asshole, the man literally bailed on you the moment he stepped out of the car.
You gave him so may chances…but do you really want to give him more? Even if this is brand new or he has always been like this… this is clearly a BIG RED FLAG! You need to look in securing a lawyer and prepare yourself.
I’m gonna say this you’re not the asshole. But I will never understand why women stay married to men whose families treat them like shit and their husband don’t stick up for them.
If your husband is giving you the silent treatment, good. At least you don’t have to listen to him and flap to his gums and say a bunch of stupid shit to you. Take that as the wind that it is, let him throw his tantrum until it gets out of his system. And live with the piece that you don’t have to hear his fucking voice.
WTF! Does he always treat you like this? You have a new baby?
Your husband & SIL are AH’s. How do you put up with the disrespect? A caring husband would make sure his wife and kids are ok. You needed to go home and he neglected you and was rude about it afterwards. He seems unhinged doing that. You did the right thing getting your babies home when they are cranky and tired. If he does this often, I would question my future with an unsupportive partner.
NTA at all. You might as well file for divorce. You say his entire family didn’t like you before, well they are going to hate you now. That isn’t your fault but it’s still gonna happen.
NTA. Your MIL sounds wonderful. You husband is an ass. Whatever is going on isn’t just about that visit.
NTA. You have a HUGE husband problem. Leave with the kids. Find a good lawyer.
From what you explained here, you are not the AH, you have given your Husband enough notice and it is no longer your problem if you went home without him, since for an hour and an half, he didn’t even know you and yours kids were gone.
It seems like there are more underlying issues going on, it doesn’t seem like your husband appreciates you at all, and it just seems like you two are strangers instead of Husband and Wife.
You might want to think a bit more on that, because it just looks as if your Husband forgot he had a wife and kids during that entire family gathering.
Your husband does not like or love you girl. That much is clear. NTA obviously. Crazy how he turned out considering MIL seems great.
Honey, I am crying right now. Twenty-five years ago, I was you. I had to manage two small children by my self. My husband never helped me. I had to wait with the kids for food while he went and started eating before me. I had to struggle to get the kids in and out of the car by myself while he went and did whatever where we were at. And God forbid that I needed to go home because I had to wait, sometimes for hours, for him to be ready. And if I dared to do what needed to be done and went home, I, too, was subjected to yelling and screaming and then the silent treatment. It wore me down.
Please. Do yourself a favor. Don’t be me. You are young. Get out. Please, I beg of you. Ask your MIL for help. Ask your family for help. Do it for you. Do it for your children. They will be happier and healthier. You will be happier and healthier.
I know that Reddit always tells you to leave – sometimes for the silliest reasons. But from one woman who has been in your position, this isn’t about Reddit. I have been you. I know how this goes. Please save yourself and your children now. You don’t deserve this treatment. You and your babies deserve so much more.
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Time for him to start seeing his family more… without you. He can take the kids to see their aunts and uncles and grandparents, and be the one to look after them.
NTA
Stop doing anything for him. Just say, “just give me 20 minutes” and walk away. Until he apologizes and knows what he’s apologizing for, ice him out. He doesn’t want to communicate like an adult, fine. Meet him on his level and match it.
NTA, but you have a husband problem. he is worse than your SIL. you lucked out with the MIL, and she’s the only one that’s NTA out of your husbands family apparently
he’s a child
ignore him
I’m sorry your hubby isn’t a good hubby.
Find a good lawyer and a good therapist.
NTA
Find a counselor. This marriage needs an outsider to make husband mature.
Yikes!! Husband sounds like a complete jerk.
Is thjs behavior typical of him? If so, it sounds like there are some real issues in your marriage that need professional attention. If this is not typical of him, then he still owes you an explanation and an apology for behaving in such a thoughtless and insensitive way that whole evening, and then for yelling and giving you the silent treatment. Again, if this is not how he normally behaves, I suggest waiting a few days, NOT apologizing, and telling him you will give him the opportunity to apologize and explain himself. If he is stubborn, maybe he needs to move back in with his family.
NTA. It doesn’t sound like your husband likes or respects you, let alone loves you. You have a husband problem more than you have a “rest of his family except his mom and dad” problem.
Unless you can provide examples of reasons why “his family doesn’t like you” then the real problem here is that your husband doesn’t like you, and he doesn’t go to bat for you with them.
Please tell me these posts are ai? If not, we live in a pathetic world where everyone is selfish, care about themselves, scream when things don’t go their way, and want you to become a doormat because “family first”.
You’re not the Ahole. Unless you’re afraid, stand up for yourself. Don’t become dependent on a d*ck.
This is past the point of recovery. Your husband sounds like the kind of guy that sells cars for a living, also known as scum of the earth. Lawyer up, get out.
NTA at all. What did he say when you pointed out that he didn’t notice you and the kids had left for an hour and a half?
Updateme
Tell him to keep silent for as long as he wants, cause he’s a shit husband and a shit father. I would be putting that boy child on the couch without so much as a blanket. So he wanted a time out from being a father and a decent husband, than give him a permanent time out until he learns that is not how it works.
Sorry you’re married to a total jerk. MIL doesn’t sound too bad. NTA.
NTA – You schedule a spa day the next time they have a party and your husband can wrangle the kids by himself. You’re not there as a babysitter,and if you are ignored and treated rudely by the host, you never need to go back. He can take care of his own children and manage his own day and if he has a lousy time, it’s his own fault.
Plan something separate for you and your MIL if you want.
NTA. OP, you were at no point unreasonable here. Your husband ditched you repeatedly and ignored your concerns. Does your husband even like you? He clearly takes you for granted.
r/NarcissisticSpouses will tell you so much about your marriage. These people all use the same playbook, oftentimes the exact same words. Let me guess- are you too sensitive? Don’t you get their jokes? Do you always blow things out of proportion? Make mountains out of molehills, always/never (no gray areas)? Is that just how SIL is?
Is his apology, I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m sorry you didn’t like the words I used. Or screaming for pity: I guess I’m just the most terrible person ever! And we end up comforting them.
He’s the whole problem. Please don’t beat yourself up for marrying him; they present a false front. Their entire personality is hidden, because they know they’re not like actual human beings. Their biggest fear is that we see the real them and call them out on it. They’re very careful to keep the real them hidden until they decide they can manipulate you sufficiently without having to try too hard. Gaslighting, throwing the blame for their crimes in our faces, refusing to take accountability, inability to apologize.
It’s an awful existence. I’m sorry, OP. I’m getting out of my awful situation. I hope you get out, too, when you are ready. No pressure from me. 💕