How can I get past differences in moral value(s)? 31F and 29M

Hey all.

Giving you a TLDR at the very start: my bf and I seem to have different moral values when it comes to treating others. To him it’s totally acceptable to use others, lie, flirt, manipulate, to get what he wants. “He ofc won’t do it to me or flirt with anyone while with me” and he doesn’t seem to grasp why I’m bothered by the issues listed below.

I will write context as well as concrete examples below, and I would appreciate anyones advice on how to move forward. Couples therapy is a lengthy and expensive process which he isnt keen on.

Context:

Duration: 9 months in 2023, 7 months in 2025

I have CPTSD due to a narc relationship

He has CPTSD and BPD due to very difficult life circumstances

Problems:

Lying. About even the smallest of things. I asked him to get a bag of Lays chips on his grocery run, he comes back says its sold out. An hour later I go by myself and theres enough Lays to go around. Im not the kind of person to get annoyed at someone forgetting this type of thing, never scolded him about it, basically given him 0 reason to feel like he needs to lie.

He lied to a gaming buddy on discord about having an internship with a female person. I asked him “How come you never told me about this, when did you have it, you were here that whole month” and he said he didnt have it, it was supposed to be with a guy, the guy wanted money so the whole thing fell through. “Did you want to impress this guy or why tell him this” I asked. His response was “No i just dont want strangers on the internet knowing too much about me, im not even sure if I know his real name” but then why say anything to begin with to that dude? He divulged that info, unprompted.

This leads me to… Weird explanations. And more lies. And situations where I truly dont know how to judge his character and know whether he is the partner for me.

When we first started talking, he said he had never had a relationship, never even had strong feelings for someone, he was scared of love, but also because he didnt have such strong feelings he never really wanted to pursue anyone. A few weeks ago, I accidentally found a Reddit post of his from 3 years ago, about 3-4 months before we started dating, saying how he feels lonely on his bday because the girl he “got emotionally attached to” didnt remember it, and how he expected things to change “once he got into a relationship”. Ofc I know we all have a past and ofc I dont mind him dating before me lol. The issue is how he presented himself, how he presented the facts about his life. When I asked him he said “it was just physical but it was too complicated to explain to reddit” but then a few mins later “I caught feelings for her but she didnt want that”. Why present himself to me as someone who never had a gf when he did? Again, NOT bothered by the gf, but bothered by the inconsistency.

During 2024, he reached out once or twice, calling, which was a surprise (I never had his number, he never wanted to give it). It would be brief, I was terrified of him tbh, because 2023 was in my experience full of gaslighting, lies, manipulation and it left my CPTSD pain me deeper than before. Finally, in December he wrote how he is sorry for everything and would like to meet for a coffee to apologize in person and take full accountability. After some tries and convincing, I agreed. He came on strong saying he wants to win me back and right his wrongs, saying how he has changed and realized how immature and damaging he was. I was finally getting what many hurt people never get — a chance for forgiveness, closure, or even repair. For whatever twisted reason, I dont think my love for him ever left so I agreed.

On the very first day of us meeting at the train station, he said “I was supposed to spend NYE with Janice. Oh her and her husband are SO cute, couple goals, they game together”. Naturally, knowing him and his deep need for attention, especially of the flirtatious/romantic/sexual kind, my alarms went off when he said a female name, but I was like…well she has a husband so its probably fine.

Fast forward months later, I find out he was texting Janice, pretty much up until a few days before starting to talk to me again, saying he still loves me etc. in a veryyyy flirtaious way. Messages like “5 hour train ride, you know i love you cuz i wouldnt do this for anyone else” (same line he used on me a month later), her saying “cant wait to squish your cheeks and cuddle”, him asking what she wants for xmas, saying how they are DEFINITELY spending NYE together, planning the exact dates, overall flirty texts.

I confronted him, his first version was “wtf are you on about, she is married” to which i said “well, if she is, why is she inviting you to sleep in HER bed, not THEIR bed” LOL. finally, after many hours of aruging, he said they separated a few months ago. and im like. well that still makes them married during December. so was she cheating on him with you? “no the guy is my friend”. I continue pressing, screenshots in hand, and after a few days he tells me the final version: “they were already separated back then and both dating other people. i was single. she is a f@t whre cow and i wasnt even into her, i just had a c uck fantasy. and she also was useful to help me with my phone contract. i dont see anything wrong with this, i was single. i also never initiated anything, it was always her” (meanwhile he is the one texting her what she wants for Xmas, making flirty jokes like “ur so bredable“)

what. the. actual. fuck.

In that moment I WISHED he was trying to date Janice. Cuz this…this is worse. Basically he was convincing me he never intended on having anything with her, he doesn’t see flirting as something harmful, she is a “f@t whre anyways” and how he has 0 respect for her, he canceled on her many times “and the stpid c0w kept coming for more. She was a clown for my entertainment”.

Some days he says he regrets it, it was loser behavior and he was lonely, and he wouldnt do this again. Then, he says NO! I did nothing wrong! I was single, I cant flirt with ppl when im single? I dont see anything wrong, who made you the moral police.

Basically saying everything and anything he can think of to minimize and gaslight.

I told him this is a deal breaker for me, UNLESS he says he regrets the behavior. On good days he says he does, on bad days he says he doesnt, then does MENTAL GYMNASTICS such as “yeah i dont regret it beucase ive dealt with it, fixed it, archived it, I NEEEDED it to grow”.

Last night I gave him one final chance to set the record straight, reminding him this is a deal breaker for me. He said he doesnt need to prove himself to me, that I can see who he is due to how well behaved he was this entire year. He said if he reassures me, it makes him feel like hes groveling and convicing me he isnt a shit person.

He doesnt understand why Im confused. I told him, yes i see you for who you have been this year and that person would not do this behavior again and WOULD have regret or shame about it, but you dont. therefore i dont see you clearly. so who are you.

he took great offense to that.

i know i have my share of faults. i am very reactive, i yell and cry and dont trust. but how can i? any normal person in my shoes would feel this way around someone who does these things. ive made my mistakes but mine are a blip, not a pattern. im so tired of proving my pain to him. his solution to my pain is to fight tooth and nail to prove why i shouldnt feel that way in the first place. thats not helpful to anyone. It’s like he wants me to blindly trust him and his internal and external processes. Like he wants me to fully submit which to me is cult-level brainwashing.

im not perfect, far from it, im working on myself. i try not to hurt myself nor others in the process. happy to provide more context. i just desperately need help, whether its how to fix this relationship, or how to live with this anger and disappointment and disgust.

thanks for making it this far.