My parents blame me for ruining my brothers marriage over my dead sisters ring
If you want the full context it’s here – https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/T5HXjVsYS1
But essentially after I told my brothers ex fiancée that the ring he used to propose was a keepsake I kept of my late sister she gave it back and I presume broke up with him
As of now I’ve been staying at my friends house and will be moving in to stay with my bf for a bit when he comes back from holiday
My parents have taken his side and they want nothing to do with me my brother is the same
No one in my family even if they are sympathetic can get through to them and amend stuff. It seems the only way to repair the relationship would be to give the ring back but even then I don’t think I can
I’m at a lost and idk what to do and how to go about it feels like I’ll never be able to come home.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Do not back down. If your brother was a sister and wanted it for an engagement ring, that might justify wanting the ring, but he wants to give it to someone outside your family, who presumably had no special relationship with your sister. It’s your reminder of your sister, it’s not up to anyone else to decide how important it should be to you and it wasn’t anyone else’s to give away.
You’re moving out, you’ll have space, they’ll have space. Once things have cooled off, feel free to reach out in a casual way. If the ring comes up, explain once why it’s important to you and make it clear you’re not giving it back, then say something to the effect of, “I want to move past this, but I don’t feel you think I have a right to mourn my sister in my own way.” If they don’t care after that, it’s a wasted effort.
[deleted]
Looks like the trash took itself out little one. I’m sorry it hurts but the girl broke up with your brother, NOT because of you but because HE was so insensitive towards you. She saw him as selfish and your parents as jerks.
As for the ring, it’s not really yours either, and if your parents wanted it, they should have taken it from you a long time ago.
You’re parents lost a child and that is a pain you better pray you never feel. From here I’d tell your mom and dad you’re sorry that they lost a child. But you aren’t sorry for keeping the ring because their pain isn’t the only pain that matters. Tell your bother that you aren’t sorry either, that his lady left him because he’s an insensitive jerk.
I was 10 when my 17yo sibling was killed. I know what you are going through, sooner rather than later you have to come to the realization that your family are just people too and they don’t always make the right choices, and some choices don’t really have a right way. This ring is one of those choices.
You did the right thing by telling the truth to your brother’s (now) ex-fiancée
My heart goes out to you.I’m so sorry. Your parents and brother are awful people. Your brother’s fiancee was right to break up with him after he took your ring. It was an incredibly horrible thing to do to his sister. Your brother is behaving like a spoilt , petulant toddler that did not get his way. Your disgusting parents are siding with this child. Move on with your life. You can’t change these terrible people.
If this was all it took to break the relationship, well.
And that goes for the parents too. If youre gonna disown me because I would not let my brother steal from me, then we know who the golden child is. Enjoy not meeting potential grandchildren. Bye now.
it seems its not about the ring, the ring is used because they hate you already, your selfishness, you putting yourself first, your stubborness, your always right.
Here’s the thing
Your golden child brother is not going to pan out as a functioning adult in life
And he won’t be able to take care of your parents as they get older
So live your life, do the best you can…and just wait
Your parents will come crawling back one day
BTW…the fiance broke up with your brother because he was so cheap he STOLE a ring from his baby sister…that belonged to his deceased sister that the living sister used as comfort
The kind of man that can do that is not the kind of many any woman of merit will ever want to be with
You can tell them why you did what you did, why you do not feel it was wrong, and they’ll do whatever they’re going to do. That’s all you can do. But you have nothing to apologize for.
Your brother is deflecting blame onto you. She broke up with him because he did something really inconsiderate. And your parents are letting him. They knew it was wrong to do, which was evidenced by the fact that they didn’t simply have a conversation about it. You did the right thing: the ex-fiancée absolutely had a right to know, because it is honestly a very weird thing to do.
I know it’s hard and you probably love your family, but this wasn’t right. They have to realize that for themselves — the only thing you can do is stand up for yourself and hope they see things clearly one day.
You got the ring back. Which was what you wanted. Hundreds of people told you there may be consequences. These are the consequences. .
Jfc.. the cheapakate took your sisters ring from – presumably – your jewellerybox… and is surprised his fiancee broke up with him when she found out.??
Your parents sounds like heyve enabled shitty behavior from your brother before..
OP… dont apologize and dont give the ring back… they wont forgive you, instead hold it over your head forever…
Bro messed up and conesquenses are his own problem.
Rejoice knowing his ex-fiancee dodged a bullitt…
And stash the ring somewhere safe where they will never find it.. because i doubt this is over.
You just found out that your brother is the golden child.
If the ring is “just a ring” then why did brother need it in the first place? Why is it “just a ring” when you want it, but it’s meaningful when he wants it? Clearly, there is some cognitive dissonance going on from their side.
You are navigating this correctly. You just saved some poor girl from being married to a man who steals from his little sister without empathy or remorse. Good job.
Edit: spelling
For them to discard you so easily over a ring shows how they truly see your worth. One of their daughters died, and there gone no contact with you because of a ring! You deserve so much better.
What exactly did you say to the ex-fiancee when you talked to her?
I would hope that you would have described the whole situation as a miscommunication and that no one realized how important the ring was to you and they wanted you to let it go but you just really wanted it back and had to try to tell her that.
I would hope that your goal was NOT to get them to break up.
I think you should think back on that conversation and how you put things, and if any part of you was trying to end their relationship you should go back to the ex-fiancee and see if you can’t get her to reconsider breaking it off.
That could easily go nowhere. Breaking up with your fiancee is a huge deal. But at least you should be able to rest knowing that you didn’t try to get it to turn out this way.
It isn’t uncommon for a guy to propose using “Grandmother’s engagement ring” aka family heirloom, usually because it’s quite stunning and expensive, or all the groom.could afford. If, however, the groom could easily afford an engagement ring and was just trying to save a buck by stealing a ring from his sister… those are red flags that a potential bride can’t ignore. Guy who asked her to marry is A) a tightwad and B) a thief who C) lied about the ring… I don’t blame the fiancee for giving back the ring and calling off the engagement. Brother made bad choices, and choices have consequences. That OP took steps to recover her stolen property isn’t what broke the engagement, it was brother’s underhandedness. Now he and the immediate family are embarrassed and blaming OP for their failures. Frankly, it’s up to them to apologize and reconcile, as they’re the party in the wrong. I wouldn’t hold my breath. Anyone who would steal a ring for their engagement is never going to accept responsibility for their actions. OP needs to get on with her life with the family she chose, not the family she was born into. Maybe they’ll come around in a few years, but so what? They just want to steal something else (the ring again?). OP better change her locks.
If these people are willing to throw you out over something that was yours and a stranger in comparison to you , these are not people you need in your life. Sucks but that’s the reality your “ family “ is showing you.
It’s nuts that your parents are happy for your brother to steal a ring that you have from your deceased sister. An inexpensive ring that he then passed to his gf.
It’s almost like he wanted to hurt you, a deliberate power move to prove he is the main player in the family and your parents enabled his behaviour. Rubber stamped it, while telling you it is “only a ring” …however if it’s “only a ring” why are they obsessed with snatching it from you? Talk about resentment. Are you that irrelevant in their schemes that they simply didn’t care/consider your view, and only wanted to create this “romantic” proposal moment, which involved your sisters memory?! Optics?
They lost your sister and have made the decision to cruelly push you out of the family, to lose you too. It’s madness. No wonder the extended family think they are irrational, because they are.
Don’t chase them. It’s heartbreaking and I think you would benefit from therapy to support you with detangling yourself from your toxic family. I suspect your parents will likely return once you marry or have children, however beware, protect your chosen family and friends.
Good luck.
I’m sorry OP. You’re so young to realise that the remaining members of your immediate family are complete arseholes whose love is conditional, and who seem to have zero empathy. You shouldn’t have to go through this, but you are 100% in the right. You saved that woman years of pain and may have saved yourself too. The other commenter that says they’ll come running back to you one day is right; one day they’ll realise how useless their golden boy is and that he can’t look after them in their old age and want to use you for it.
Right now, they expect you to come crawling back to them. Please don’t give in to the impulse to diminish yourself and your pain in order to have a relationship with this people. They don’t respect you or offer real love. Try to build a life and a chosen family. Go to therapy so you’re able to keep boundaries with others too, because otherwise similar people will be able to use your wound to manipulate you too.