So I (M25) was on the phone with my gf (F25) earlier today on the drive home from work. I got home and my dad came outside to talk about something. I told her I needed to let her go so I could talk to my dad and that I’d talk to her later. She asked what I needed to talk to him about and I said it was just stuff. She wouldn’t drop it and he was waiting and I kept saying I needed to go and eventually hung up.
The talk with my dad wasn’t anything serious, I just felt like she was prying after I said it was between me and my dad. Now she’s saying that I’m being secretive and hiding things. I’ve said that it’s not something serious and it’s not about her, but that I’m allowed to have private business. I told her that if she said the same thing I’d immediately drop it.
Am I being an AH and secretive or am I just enforcing boundaries? Part of me thinks I should just say what the talk was so she knows it’s literally nothing important, but I also feel like holding up the principle of it. I think in a relationship both parties should be able to still have things about them that’s private.
Comments
NTA.
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NTA. She sounds ridiculously insecure and self-centered.
As if it’s sort of an “OMG, his dad must be gonna say bad things about me and try to get my boyfriend to break up with me!!! ” She’s such the main character that she can’t even conceive of the fact that it’s something completely unrelated to her.
NTA she would annoy me fast. We all have things we don’t tell everyone else. She needs to chill.
NTA it quite literally is none of her business
NTA. Adults have conversations with many people and don’t need to spill details to an SO on demand. If it continues, consider yourself blessed and move on. PS – it’s great when your Dad calls, you answer.
NTA. She’s insecure, and you’re allowed to talk to your father
NTA. I’m not sure if she’s being an asshole though, or just insecure. You are correct that you’re “allowed” to have confidence with your father, but it sounds like she may need a high level of assurance that you’re not doing anything on the sly, which itself can be a problem if taken to an unreasonable level. And if she actually feels obligated to your personal conversations that are completely unrelated to her, I’d change my opinion to her being AH.
NTA, she’s super insecure. Honestly, it sounds like it’s exhausting to be her boyfriend
I’m not sure. There’s a difference between “my dad asked for privacy because he doesn’t like people to know about his personal problems” and “he asked me to bring hamburgers to the party on Sunday but I’m not going to tell you because fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me.”
One shows you can keep somethings discreet, which is good manners. The other is lashing out from a place of immaturity.
Absolutely NTA. I can’t tolerate dealing with insecure, controlling ppl. Absolutely a slippery slope you’re on.
Ok, so this time it’s nothing… You cave and tell her what was said just to get her to let it tf go.
What if next time someone wants to talk to you about something personal, maybe a health scare etc. and doesn’t want anyone else to know?
How do you handle it? Cause you’ve caved once. So now you will never have the peace of claiming privacy because anytime you try to REESTABLISH that boundary, she’s going to react like it MUST be something this time, because before you went ahead and told me!!!
THIIIIIIS is how you end up with one of those “why can’t you put the phone on speaker” insanely jealous, insecure and controlling type ppl. If you want to go that route, ok but the warning sign is flashing.
What’s the principle you are defending here?
You shouldn’t ask me questions?
Because her asking what you “need to talk to your dad about” that’s so important you had to hang up with her seems like a pretty reasonable question.
Your response was what? Did you say “nothing major, but he is waiting to talk to me” or did you say “none of your business”? The first one is fine, the second one is immature.
In any case, if you’re not OK with your girlfriend wanting to know your business, you might want to reconsider the girlfriend status.
Nta
NTA. Imagine being this insecure that she can’t fathom that you want to give your father your undivided attention.
Red flags abound! Run
Just tell her stupid sht.
We are talking about our dicks! U wanna come hear?
NTA, pal. BTW, she punked you in front of your dad.
Boundaries indeed! I would have been embarrassed, as I am sure that you were.
Enforce away, Sir!
She sounds a little on the clingy side. Red flag if you told her you need to go and she doesn’t let you go.
You can tell her what the conversation is about while still maintaining that she doesn’t get to listen in on all of your conversations.
Her insecurities are a red flag
Definitely NTA! If Im going to have a conversation with my son, I hang up with my boyfriend and call him back. He does the same if he’s talking to someone.
It’s respectful to the other person you’re speaking to. Your dad wanted to talk to you, not you and your girlfriend.
If it were me I would approach it with “Listen, this is what this particular conversation was about and see it wasn’t a big deal but we need to have an additional conversation about this. We’re both individuals who have chosen to be in a romantic relationship with one another and this situation made me feel like you don’t trust me or that you feel entitled to every detail of my life and I don’t share that value system. I want to feel like we both give one another the benefit of the doubt and that you know that I don’t keep things from you to hurt you. In this instance I just didn’t want to share because I didn’t want to take the time necessary to say it. It wasn’t a big deal and I would like to know that you trust me at my word. There are other times that I might not want to share something for other reasons like the other persons privacy, or a surprise for you, or any other example I can’t think of right now. I hope that you know by my actions that I care about you and wouldn’t withhold information just because I take pleasure in it or am being hurtful or deceitful. I care deeply about you and I think that having autonomy within a relationship is important for both of us. I certainly don’t expect you to tell me every detail of your day and after really thinking things through I feel that if the roles were reversed I would give you the same courtesy I’m asking for.”
You can stand on principle but it’s a lonely hill to die on. Much better to take the time to explain how you feel, find a resolution you can both agree to and which helps you understand one another instead of allowing this loose end to continue existing. Otherwise it will keep cropping up and you’ll get more annoyed each time it happens until you explode. Then you won’t argue about that instance, you’ll argue about that instance and all of the other instances which came before and were bottled up.
She does sound insecure but heck, we have a lot of insecure adults raised by media that shows us that everyone is cheating or lying on top of the all too common personal experiences. Communication is the path through and the foundation for all healthy relationships.
Maybe you HAVE done something in the past which makes her more on edge that you’re unaware of and creating a conversation where she feels safe to bring it up will help you understand her better too and apologize if that needs to happen.
Dump her now. It only gets worse
NTA. There is nothing worse than someone who asks a bunch of questions about nothing. A normal person would understand; were you supposed to put her on speaker phone?
So much NTA. Your dad’s business is his and it’s not your’s to share. It’s a good boundary to have. If there going to be a future to the relationship she’s going to have to deal with her insecurity and jealousy.
Love and blessings.
Get rid of her, like others have said it only gets worse.
NTA.
Unless you’ve given her reason to not trust you before, you don’t need to tell her every little detail.
She needs to trust you.
NTA
You’re allowed to have a private conversation with ANYONE, at any time. Certainly your own father. If she can’t handle you having a personal relationship with your dad, then she’s not relationship material.
Red flag, is everything about her?
Personally, I err on the side of transparency on s relationship. If it’s really no big deal, tell her.
That said, I generally err on the side of respecting people’s real, reasonable and harmless boundaries and I’ll drop someone like a hot potato who doesn’t do the same.
There are a lot of variables that could change that math tho, so do yourself a favor and be honest with yourself. And I wouldn’t end it today, but damn sure I’d be looking for corroborate evidence at that point.
She’s the main character in her story and your story.
And you having your own thing is offensive to her.
Don’t let this go on for years if it’s already over. That’s all I can say.
NTA. your girlfriend needs therapy. not everything is or should be about her.
INFO: it sounds like the only reason you didn’t tell her is that she asked?
If that’s the case then ESH
You are allowed to have private conversations with your father. Your father is entitled to have conversations only with you, without them automatically being relayed to someone else. Her expectations are creepy.
“I am allowed to talk to my father without your permission or oversight. The fact that this bothers you is your problem, not mine.”
NTA.