I (15M) have a rocky relationship with my dad (45). My parents divorced in January, and there’s been a fight almost every day since. I’m really passionate about sports and music, but my dad has never supported me. Whenever I hit a rough patch, my mom would help me out, while my dad would say things like, “Maybe you’re just not a musician.” The same happened with fitness, he’d let me slack off when I’d rather watch TV than work out.
In May, my parents agreed that when my dad moved out, they’d split the living expenses for both the house and his apartment 50/50, until the house sold. But he changed his mind and stayed at the house. My mom offered for me, my sister (who’s in college), and our three dogs to move out so he could stay. We’d be cramped in an apartment. He also changed his mind about the rent split, and they agreed to void the 50/50 arrangement.
About three weeks ago, my dad started being more involved in my life listening to my music, giving feedback, and trying to fix our relationship. This has happened before, so I was skeptical. It turned out he was trying to turn me against my mom to force her out instead of him. A huge argument broke out, ending with my dad ripping the door off my mom’s car. He had to replace it. We threatened to call the police, and that’s when he finally agreed to move out.
Now, my relationship with him is broken. He’s been trying to get me to spend time with him, but I’ve refused. I told him that I’m not healed from what he did and I don’t want to copy his bad behaviors. In response, he said he’ll stop paying for my activities, claiming that “he needs that money for rent.” He still pays child support, but he used to help cover 50/50 of my activities, and my mom would pay the rest. I know he doesn’t legally have to do more than child support, but since May, they agreed they wouldn’t split his apartment rent anymore.
I feel guilty because my mom has had to take on another job since the divorce. We’re not struggling, but the extra $1,000 from my dad helped a lot. Now, because I’ve cut ties with him, that money is gone. I don’t want to punish my mom for my decision, but I know it’s happening. She’s always been there for me, and I don’t want to add more stress to her already full plate.
So, AITA for causing my mom to lose $1,000 a month?
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I (15M) have a rocky relationship with my dad (45). My parents divorced in January, and there’s been a fight almost every day since. I’m really passionate about sports and music, but my dad has never supported me. Whenever I hit a rough patch, my mom would help me out, while my dad would say things like, “Maybe you’re just not a musician.” The same happened with fitness, he’d let me slack off when I’d rather watch TV than work out.
In May, my parents agreed that when my dad moved out, they’d split the living expenses for both the house and his apartment 50/50, until the house sold. But he changed his mind and stayed at the house. My mom offered for me, my sister (who’s in college), and our three dogs to move out so he could stay. We’d be cramped in an apartment. He also changed his mind about the rent split, and they agreed to void the 50/50 arrangement.
About three weeks ago, my dad started being more involved in my life listening to my music, giving feedback, and trying to fix our relationship. This has happened before, so I was skeptical. It turned out he was trying to turn me against my mom to force her out instead of him. A huge argument broke out, ending with my dad ripping the door off my mom’s car. He had to replace it. We threatened to call the police, and that’s when he finally agreed to move out.
Now, my relationship with him is broken. He’s been trying to get me to spend time with him, but I’ve refused. I told him that I’m not healed from what he did and I don’t want to copy his bad behaviors. In response, he said he’ll stop paying for my activities, claiming that “he needs that money for rent.” He still pays child support, but he used to help cover 50/50 of my activities, and my mom would pay the rest. I know he doesn’t legally have to do more than child support, but since May, they agreed they wouldn’t split his apartment rent anymore.
I feel guilty because my mom has had to take on another job since the divorce. We’re not struggling, but the extra $1,000 from my dad helped a lot. Now, because I’ve cut ties with him, that money is gone. I don’t want to punish my mom for my decision, but I know it’s happening. She’s always been there for me, and I don’t want to add more stress to her already full plate.
So, AITA for causing my mom to lose $1,000 a month?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think that the action that I took that should be judged is that I decided not to talk to my dad. Due to this my mother is getting 1000 dollars less a month. This action made me kinda feel like an asshole because, really, who wants to make their mom work another job just so you can get more opportunities in sport
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, but your parents are both massive assholes for putting you in the middle of this and not getting a proper court order.
Is an after-school/weekend job an option? Offer to contribute if you feel that strongly about it. You aren’t causing anything. These are activities you were involved in before the divorce. Dad sounds lovely 🫠
NTA. This is something for your parents to solve with lawyers. You should absolutely not be involved with their fight. You are not responsible for your dad being a jerk.
I’d talk to mom if I were you. She needs to go to court and add stipulations to your custody agreement with your dad. So he will have to pay half. Also that may mean you have to see your dad, but the agreement can’t be backed out of. If that’s not something she can afford to do, you may have to get a job to help pay for your extracurricular activities. You don’t have to see him but he doesn’t have to go above child support financial payments. If it’s on paper through the court and he stops he would be in trouble.
NTA. Dude, this is not on you. This is not your fault. You’re a kid who is not culpable for the problems between the adults responsible for you and the financial minutiae of their crumbling marriage. Your relationship with your dad is broken because he broke it in order to manipulate you and break the relationship between you and your mom. The maturity you displayed by telling him how you felt and that you don’t want to copy his behavior is remarkable, particularly considering the examples being set by them involving you in this mess.
Your estranged relationship doesn’t forgive child support. Your mom needs a lawyer.
Your dad had a violent temper and is a manipulator.
Your mom should not expect you to spend time with him unless it is to MEET him at a public place.
And, as others said, she should take him to court.
And why are they sharing the same house???
NTA. He would have found a way to not pay a cent more than he had to, it’s not your fault
NTA. You’re a child and you shouldn’t know all this. I get “I’m 15, and not a kid anymore”. But the fact is, these things are between your parents and not you.
It’s great you recognize that your dad is being stupid and manipulate. But the choices and actions he makes are his and his alone. He is an adult and should be dealing with things as such. You shouldn’t have to leave your home so he can move back in/stay. He is not doing things in your best interest. He’s looking out for himself.
Meanwhile you’re a kid. You should be thinking about what makes you happy and your relationship with your dad. Not “if I cut contact, his support goes away”. Not he’s being kind and looking to manipulate me. Not figuring out his motivations.
Finances, that’s between him and your mom. And while yes, you might have to give some stuff up, or find out ways to chip in to make things work, as it can be even in unbroken families.
Next time dad breaks the door off mom’s car, call the cops. He’s getting away with control and abuse as you are accepting it and there are no consequences. He’s able to control you all because no one stands firm. Is his child support what it’s supposed to be or what he says? They might be separated, but he’s still controlling and manipulating everyone to get what he wants. This will never be fair if he’s in control. And with how he sounds, even when he gives in, he’s going to have a string he’s going to pull. A “well I did that so you should do this”.
So unfortunately at 15, you’re not so much of a kid. You’ve already been put in the middle and now you get to learn to be the man. Learn that it’s not you that ruined and cost your mom this. This is your dad. This is him manipulating and controlling. Changing the rules to best suit him. You already know it. Or you need to look and ask if this is your mom. Only you know who is feeding you the narrative. They need to stop.
Let your mother deal with it. Don’t feel guilt.
Your dad :checks notes: ripped a door off your mom’s car. Which is a little sus, but taking it at face value.
NTA. Are you able to give lessons, coach or babysit to help subsidize the cost of your activites?
NTA
Your dad isn’t a safe person for you to be around, and I’m sure your mom would rather have you be safe than have an extra $1k a month.
If you’re worried about it, you could talk to your mom about it. Ask about getting a work permit and see if you can get a part-time job after school or maybe take a look at the activities you do that cost money and really think about which ones you would be okay not doing?
It sucks, but it sounds like your dad is being a manipulative asshole and is just doing whatever he can to make things hard on your mom.
NTA
Your mom needs to get a lawyer.
This is their problem not yours.
I don’t know where you live but here parents have to pay CS, child support, based on income. Custody does play a small part but you do not have to spend any time either him if you don’t want to.
Here all extra curricular activities are also split and legally your father would have to pay a portion of the cost.
“We” may not be struggling because you are a child, but nobody I know who isn’t struggling has two jobs.
NTA
It honestly speaks to your heart that you’re worried about this, but this is an adult problem. I know you’re almost an adult, but you’re not yet. Not to mention even if you were, you’re still the child in this dynamic. Trust that if your mom couldn’t handle it she would tell you. I also doubt she blames you for this change in income. If anything she blames your dad for being unreasonable, because he is. He is the reason she lost 1k a month in help, NOT you. Besides she knows who your dad is, I’m almost entirely sure that she’d rather pay for your activities, than you having to force yourself to be around your dad just for money. Trust that your mom knows what she’s doing.
First of all, if your mom had to get a second job just to stay afloat IN HER OWN HOUSE in the middle of a divorce, then she absolutely IS struggling. They’re getting divorced and I assume you don’t have an income. Theres is no more “we”. Is he and her, and SHE is obviously struggling financially.
I get that you don’t wanna spend time with your dad, but your mom really does need that support. I think you can get a job to pay for some equipment and supplies you need for you extra curricular activities to help her out a bit, since you don’t actually expect your father to help pay for that stuff anymore (except through child support ) since you plan on cutting him out of your life, right?
If paying for the extra stuff is in the divorce decree he can not just stop and your mother needs to take him back to court.
Your activities are 2k a month? Time to stop those activities. You can’t afford them anymore unless you get a job.
NTA. However, depending on where you live, your Dad still has to pay 50% for extracurriculars above and beyond child support (sports, music lessons, etc). Make sure your Mom goes through a lawyer. A lot of people make the mistake of trying to avoid the legal route – this is most always a mistake.
Nta. Your dad and mom’s issues are just that. Their issues.
NYA but mom needs to get into a lawyer and maybe you need to look into cutting back on some expensive extra curriculars if they’re costing 2 grand a month and your mum’s struggling
My son is 14 and doesn’t know how much his father pays in child support. No child should know. It’s private and between parents. Income and making sure there is enough money is adult problems in my opinion.
Your mom should be real with you and herself of the reality of the situation. Which is her income has changed because of the divorce, which means lifestyle has to change and unfortunately means that you may have to do less activities, so that you can live. $1000 a month means your activities is a lot of money even at 50%. At 15 you should be understanding of this.
You can’t want nothing to do with your dad (your reasons are valid and for safety) and still expect him to provide more than he legally has too. Just like he can’t be violent and expect you to spend time with him.
You know way too much about your parent financial bussiness that’s not for a child to worry about that’s between them
NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT
Adult problems are adults’ fault, and it’s adults’ responsibility to fix them.
I’ve been a legal assistant for ten years, and the first eight I worked for divorce lawyers. I’ve seen parents do a lot of crappy things to each other by using the kids as weapons. I’ve also seen parents do really crappy things to kids who rightfully don’t want to spend time with them. And I’m so sorry that this is happening to you.
But again, none of it is your fault. Your dad is trying to make you think that, because he thinks he will win that way. And I’m sorry for that, too.
The way he treats you and your mom is HIS fault.
Also, your mom really needs a divorce lawyer. Sooner rather than later.
NTA
PS: I think it would help you a lot to have a counselor or therapist to support you through all of this.
You’re NTA, your dad is.
You didn’t cause your mom to lose $1,000 a month. Your dad did. It’s not your responsibility to subject yourself to a manipulative psycho just to make sure he does the right thing. NTA.
You are nta.
Your dad is causing all this…..
NTA, your dad certainly is.
But you have $1,000 of activities a month?
Your father is one who stopped supporting your activities. Can you speak with your mother about the parenting plan? Hopefully extra curricular activities are included in the plan & it states your father has to pay for some of it. If not, may be your mom can get it added to the plan.
That is not sustainable for your mom. She’s going to burn out.
This is not your fault.
Life sucks sometimes, and going from being able to afford stuff to not being able to afford stuff is not a nice thing to experience. I get it, my dad died when I was your age and our finances changed dramatically overnight. I started working after school and during the summer when I was 15 to pay for my own social stuff and save for school.
You might have to look at what’s most important to you and make some choices about continuing to do it to help your mom out. But you’re NTA no matter what. Kids are never the asshole when it comes to a nasty divorce.
It’s summertime. Get a job and work a lot of hours and bank as much as you can. Pick up part time jobs. Start budgeting to see where you can reduce costs. The main thing is to get goods grades in school. Focus on your future. Sit-ups and pushups don’t cost money.
Your parents suck. Full stop. Both of them. Seems like both of them are playing mind games with you, and mom’s winning. To the point he actively tried to bond with you and you just shut him down. Why, again?
Also, you blamed your dad for a lot of things that you had full control over, like exercising instead of watching TV. Grow up, and take accountability. It’ll help, a lot.
Nta your father is violent and the only job you have, above all else, is to keep your ass away from him. Everything else is for the adults to figure out. Definitely worth considering getting a job to help your mom out but that’s up to you and your limits
NTA And this also not the way this works. Your dad should be paying more if he has less expenses
NTA but your mom should really take your dad to court to get all of this in writing as opposed to avoiding things as it’s actually not making your lives easier.
It isn’t because of you!
Sounds like the parents need a legal separation so all of the back and forth stops. Until then the dad is just going to jerk everyone around.
NTA
Your mom might be able to get some extracurriculars covered by dad through court in addition to child support.
But $1000 a month in extracurriculars is a lot, especially if that’s only half. Can you pick one activity per season until mom gets caught up? If she gets a second job she could become burnt out and then crash and not be able to afford any extras… if you want to help her, cut back on expenses. With the extra time you have with less extracurriculars, you can possibly get a job so you can buy yourself extras. So mom can focus on providing the necessities, and healing from her toxic relationship.
You don’t have to. You’re the kid. None of this is your fault or your responsibility to deal with.
Listen. Your mom would work ALL the jobs if it meant you could do all your activities. She might think its best you dont send time with him if he’s the tool you make him out to be.
NTA For the Dad stuff, but you are old enough to understand all of this to some degree, so you are also all enough to understand that given the change in your moms financial situation, you may need to pair down on extracurricular activities if your dad is not going to step up. Alternatively, you’re old enough to earn some money which you could use to cover the cost of those activities.
>I know he doesn’t legally have to do more than child support,
Activities should be factored into the child support. The whole point of child support is to prevent the child’s quality of life from decreasing from the divorce.
NTA
Nta lawyer problem
NTA. People who rip car doors off are almost always the AH in any given scenario. Having said that, if you can come to some kind of compromise that helps Mom out, it would be a very good thing for you to do. Good luck in a bad situation.
I’m afraid I’m going to have to know how exactly he ripped the door off of her car please.
2K a month for activities? That isn’t happening with 99.99999999997 of the families in the world. Maybe you need to help out your mom, by prioritizing some activities over others.
Doesn’t dad have to pay child support even if his son doesn’t spend time with him?
NTA, not a bit, kiddo. You didn’t cause your dad’s behavior, he’s entirely responsible for it.
He’s trying to control you and your mom with money; if he actually needed the money for rent, he couldn’t pay it in exchange for time with you. But money is not a reason to spend time with someone who has been violent and it certainly doesn’t sound like he’s taking responsibility for what he did.
You may need to reduce some of your activities or earn some money to continue them. That is still better than forcing yourself to spend time with someone you don’t feel safe with.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Tell your mum what your dad is doing. He shouldn’t be doing what he’s doing. He’s being pathetic and is destroying his relationship with you. That is all on him. Not on you.
Your mum needs to go through court and get a proper system set up, rather than allowing him to be a dick and keep changing his mind.
I would say that next time he starts, tell him that he needs to stop. Stop trying to turn you against your mum, stop trying to extort your love with money, but considering he ripped a car door off I wouldn’t recommend it. Maybe write it in a letter instead
Your mom needs to go to court.
My XH pays child support. He ALSO has to pay a % of extracurriculars on top of the child support. Child support is for housing and food and clothes, etc. Fun stuff is in addition to child support.