So my wife (33) and I (42) have been together 7 years, the last 3 we’ve had the best sex we’ve had since we first got together. We had a baby 2 years ago, and still make time for each other, play with toys and keep things spicy. We’re both pretty damn possessive and have openly talked about how we could never be involved an any kind of sharing or swapping of any kind. Then tonight, after a workday from hell, out of literally nowhere she hits me with “you know those sex parties where people just watch?” My response was, “no”. I mean I know being a 40’s male that there are orgies and all that, but I really didn’t know what she was referring to. She continues with “I’d totally be into one of those if you were”. I was not anywhere near the mental place to deal with that at the moment, and got internally really upset by that statement. How the heck am I supposed to respond to that? That’s WAY too close to “sharing her” with other people, and not something I could ever be involved with. When I explained that to her, she gaslit me into “making her feel like a bad person”.
Let’r rip, because Ive gotten the cold shoulder for 2hrs now, and have no idea where to go from here.
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I mean, talk to her about it? Sounds like you’ve been escalating your life and that is where a non insignificant number of people’s sex lives go. It’s not an uncommon kink.
It’s fine to say that you don’t want to escalate that but communicate it in a better way and try to learn where this came from.
Woah man, sounds like you were blindsided by that one. Not gonna lie, her gaslighting has got me a bit heated. Communication is key, y’know? Sounds like you need to have a serious sit-down about boundaries and figure out where both of you are at rn. Remember though, no one’s a bad person for having fantasies, but she’s gotta respect how you feel about it too. You’re not obligated to do anything you’re uncomfortable with. Stay strong bro. 👊
Yeah, that one would take me by surprise coming from my wife too, and I doubt I would handle it very well.
But answer would be some combination of “fuck” and “no,” and maybe a call to the doc to get her head examined.
Clearly an issue now until you make it a nonissue by calmly talking your way to understanding where her mind is on this polarizing issue. The operative word is calmly mate.
How is sitting together with her and watching other people “sharing” her in any way? It sounds like she just wants to do some voyerism
My thoughts are, that she didn’t read the room, blind sided you with a query that sounds like pillow talk or over a drink after dinner. Gas lighting is not ideal but she threw a Hail Mary and you shot it down. Timing and state of mind are variables that can lead to learning about you, her, and your relationship. Best to talk before you sleep.
Set up a movie party night and let the movie be a great porn flick and tell her its the party where you guys watch other people have sex 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Yup- sounds like she is greasing you up to try to open up your marriage sometime. No bueno!
Just to be clear; she wants to have sex with you while other people are watching? Or she wants to go (with you) to watch other people having sex?
Im confused though it doesn’t seem like she said she wants to share or be shared.. sounds alittle like she’s curious about voyerism? I think like she wants to watch others or be watched? Just try to approach her again, calmly and ask her to explain abit more what shes got on her mind. Don’t be accusatory or jump to any conclusions, she may just have wanted to have a discussion about something and your response put her off completely.. 🤷🏻♀️
It sounds like watching live porn. Not sharing, you 2 stay with each other and do your thing, while you watch others doing their thing.
Sit her down outside the bedroom and explain that you were caught off guard and weren’t demeaning her. Say to her, “Let’s talk about what you brought up the other day now that we’ve had a few days to process.”
Let her talk and explain first. Then you can calmly express your emotions and concerns on the subject.
Do not rush into anything to make her happy. It can quickly backfire. Have many discussions beforehand if you as a couple decide to go to any kind of sex club.
I was in the LS for years and the successful swingers had the most communication, rules and boundaries.
You need to tell her you did some research on this and that honesty and being upfront is paramount to success. Then pry again to find her real motives.
To me this just feels like the real life version of watching porn together. Personally, I wouldn’t feel a certain type of way about it, especially since she specifically said she would be totally into it *key word* with YOU. she wants this to be a you and her thing, not just a her thing.
I think it’d be fine for you two to go watch without participating tbh. It’s like watching a live show. Trust me, I don’t have experience, but that’s how I’d view it, as a kinky person. If she wanted to participate, that’d be a whole different story and it’d make sense why you don’t want her to participate.
It means she has been looking outward. Watch out.
You are at a real crossroads… On one hand she is telling you that she needs something else and on the other, is you about her down, what will she do next?
A very long good chat is needed.
Hmm.
Just pretend that you changed your mind and would like to explore the idea. Then get the Intel on who planted the idea in her.
I feel like you’re making a bit of a leap here; what she’s describing is voyeurism, not swapping. Did you get clarity about what she meant? Maybe I would start there?
You have to explore the conversation to see where her head is at. No getting around it.
After the shock wears off…
be honest and say “yeah i’ve seen those orgy videos in the past.” and let the conversation go from there.
does she just want to go with you to just watch other people bang? maybe.
does she want to participate? maybe
you need to drive home that “once you see someone else make your spouse climax in front of you, there’s no going back.”
Oh, fuck, but the good thing is you can share other hot wives as well.
Either say “Hey, babe. Thanks for opening up to me before. I thought about what you said and I’m not into it. Maybe we could do xyz instead?” or “Hey babe. Thanks for opening up to me before. I was surprised but I will give it some thought.”
Someone told her about it, she’s definitely talking to someone
You better chill and communicate. She felt shamed, I bet. Your wife is open and for that, you’re fortunate. She felt no type of way expressing her thoughts. Cudos to her. Communicate respectfully regardless of your stance. Good luck.
She either feels that she’s not giving you everything that you need in the bedroom or she hasn’t told you that you’re not giving her everything that she needs in the bedroom. Regardless, this is definitely something that needs to be addressed by the two of you.
Apologize for being so abrupt when she first asked you and let her know that you understand she wouldn’t have asked if it wasn’t something she felt was important. Acknowledge and validate her feelings while letting her know that you welcome an open honest discussion.
It’s possible that she feels inadequate for some reason and this is an attempt to make you happy. It’s also possible that the reverse is true and she’s reaching out telling you that she needs more. It’s also possible this is a way for her to justify something she’s wants to do or has already done. Has she mentioned meeting somebody new through friends or at work recently?
Needless to say the mind can create all kinds of scenarios; each one worse than the last. If she’s not willing to discuss it as adults, as a couple, I would see that as a huge red flag. Unless she has actually already done something with someone else I don’t understand why she’s so reluctant to discuss it now. If this is what she really wanted wouldn’t she jump at the chance to have the conversation?
There’s a bit to unpack here, and most of it is down to effective communication from both sides, and appropriate “stop and breathe” first responses & setting boundaries.
So it feels like the topic was a bit confrontational for you, on top of it being at a time when you felt unprepared to process it or discuss it.
I can’t see in your post how the conversation went or the way in which you explained to her that you weren’t into the idea of “sharing” and why it felt that way to you, and what led to her saying that you made her feel like a bad person.
But regardless, would your reaction be any different if it was the “right” time to bring it up? Or is it about the actual suggestion itself and you just maybe reacted more strongly because you’d just got home from work and were a bit off guard?
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying to someone, anyone – “hey let’s chat this over later, I want to ask a few questions and I just need to unwind and get myself together”. Take a breath & gather yourself before spitting out something that might be more shock than how you actually feel about the topic itself.
Because now it’s escalated.
Only you know what her character is and what is and isn’t something she’d normally say or do.
I think the whole voyuerism thing is pretty widely known as a high level concept, you don’t have to be in the depths of sordid parts of the internet to discover it or at least know it happens at some level. She might a like the “idea” of it, or even just talking about it, but it’s a strong possibility she may not ever progress to wanting to actually do it in reality.
As others have said, what she’s explained and from your post is that you wouldn’t swap or be with other people physically , but you’d be amongst it and could see & hear others and then see and hear you. If that’s a line you don’t want to cross, that’s all you have to say – but I wouldn’t immediately put her in the “she wants to watch other men over me” basket.
Again, some calm questions about what made her bring it up, and why she wants to talk about it and thinks it would be something pleasurable for her.
It does take a bit for people to share fantasies and it’s a bit of a vulnarable position to open up, even with people you’ve been with for a long time. For fear of judgement or rejection, which is probably from her perspective is what has happened.
You’re more than entitled to feel however you feel about it, and no one should suggest you should just go along with something so someone doesn’t feel rejected or embarrassed by the reveal of the fantasy. But it’s all down to how you communicate to each other and how you recognise triggers in yourself, stop take a breath and a pause before discussing it while you’re still charged up over it and upset by the timing.
It’s just muddled it all a bit now.
Updateme
She did say sex parties where people watch… maybe talk with her openly and calmly. Maybe she really only wants to watch with you there and then go home and have some fun?
I mean I have voiced that fantasy to my husband literally just watching and listening to an orgy with him right by my side. Not partaking at all. Then heading back to a hotel or home and going at it.
Maybe she got a little heated or defensive because she was raised religious somehow? She may feel shameful about it. She may watch porn that turns her on and wanted to share it with you.
The way I would handle this is to ask her what she thinks the parties are like. You have to ask an open ended question. Talk about her responses to the open ended question. Next hit her with the what if questions. The goal is to get her to admit what she really wants. Finally ask her if she thinks that you are not enough for her and what can you change to make her happy.
Update me
My girlfriend and I just went to one of those parties for the first time. We saw a few things, had some conversations with some nice people, ate some food, had some drink and jello shots… There was no sharing, no touching, nothing was done to her that doesn’t happen at a regular party. She did pop into a bedroom to see what was going on while waiting for the bathroom. Was an interesting experience. We’re in no rush to go back but might.
She’s not describing opening y’all’s relationship or sharing at all. She’s talking about voyeurism and it’s not even some kind of abnormal kink. It’s very common. She wants yall to WATCH other people have sex together. Not have sex with other people. I’m not sure how so many people are misinterpreting this.
This is what you need to come to terms with…
She’s going to attend one sooner than later, and will be having sex with someone else sooner than later as well if she isn’t already.
She’s just coming into her sexual prime at 33f, you have to try to put yourself back in your 18m mind/body to understand her newfound sex drive.
Her reaction is wild