Hi, this is is my first post, so apologies for any mistakes. I’m not sure if this is the right subreddit for this or not, but this (along with other things) has been something I’ve dealt with for a long time now and it’s making me really tired. I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall and just need help.
So, as the title says, my mother seems to think she should have a right to use racial slurs solely because “well people of that race use it, so why can’t I?” or “it’s just a word” Which I always counter with some form of because it’s wrong to call someone that and we have no ‘right’ to say those words. (I don’t really know how to word it well, other than that)
For quick context, we’re a white family who live in the southern states and she grew up with very traditional and right-wing ideology that has caused many many more problems than this throughout my childhood. But this just feels like the easiest topic to tackle with her.
I feel as though I’m side-tracking, so I apologize, but I can’t remember the conversation that led to me posting this word for word. All I remember is that the book To Kill a Mockingbird was part of it. I mentioned how we didn’t read the slurs aloud and for some reason that set her off. Which lead to us going back and forth about reading derogatory terms aloud, and somehow spiraled into her asking why African American people are allowed to call us “crackers” but we can’t call them a slur in turn. To which I tried to explain to her that I’ve never met a white person who was offended by the term cracker, so it’s not the same thing, but she wouldn’t budge and used the n-word multiple times throughout the debate so I eventually had to walk away and lock myself in my room until she moved onto a different topic.
Sorry this is all over the place, I tend to get scatter-brained when recounting issues and arguments with my mother. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Comments
Put duct tape on her mouth
Man, that’s rough. Ain’t easy dragging the older gen into the 21st century. Just tell her it’s about respect, empathy, and history. Some words carry the weight of centuries of hate and oppression. We ain’t got the right to toss ’em around just ‘cuz we think there’s a so-called “double standard”. It’s simpler to not add more hate into the world. Hang in there, kiddo. It’s tough, but worth the fight. 💪
She knows. She doesn’t care. Source: I’m 51, white, southern, and do not use racial slurs.
Those words were created out of hatred. Unless she believes the meaning behind them she shouldn’t feel comfortable using them. And if she is, she’s racist. Unfortunately it’s as simple as that.
Your mom understands that she shouldn’t use those words. She chooses to anyway because she is a racist. There’s nothing you can do to convince her because she knows and is doing it on purpose.
Do you have different political ideologies?
I’d bet this behavior is baked into her world view.
You can’t right now.
But in three years when she asks why you never visit or go out in public with her… you get to re-channel every moment you were driving back from something to get an hour long lecture about how you behaved in an embarrassing way.
Except when she gave those lectures, it was to a child.
i don’t think you explain that, you just stop interacting with her as much as possible.
You just come to terms that your mom is a POS
Ask her why she simply does not like (or hares) people for the way the gene that determines melanin in skin ias activated in those individuals, and not for their actions and treatment of people.
She seems like she does not care. It seems to be a lost cause and like a low contact situation. People sometimes refuse to change and become not worth the effort or energy.
Scorce: a person low contact with their parents for different issues that involve lack of acceptance from them. They don’t like me receiving VA disability despite me barky being in the Air Force. (They don’t accept it).
It is 2025 and we as a whole nation have come a long way racism and equal treatment. Your mother refuses to accept that.
She might be too in deep, I doubt you can change her
i mean, you can’t really change her bc this level of push back is more “I love being a racist bc it makes me feel powerful and I will never stop just bc it hurts OTHER people” and not “golly i’m just a ignorant sweet lady who is so very confused about all the changes in this big world”
but feel free to now greet her like “good morning, bitch” and “hey cunt, we’re out of milk” and see how she feels about those “just words!” that you have “every right to say!”
And thanks for breaking the cycle and refusing to stoop to hateful rhetoric, for treating ppl like humans no matter what you or they look like.
I have no reason to use the n word. Just as I would hope no one calls me a cracker or other such words. Especially since I’m no good with a whip and have no training.
“Because anyone who hears you use it will think you’re a racist. If you’re comfortable with that, then say whatever you want. If you would prefer to have people think you’re not a racist, one of the ways you demonstrate that is by not using racial slurs.”
Defending the use of the word “cracker” is wrong and racist too.
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Until she uses it with the wrong person…..
She doesn’t care. She grew up in a generation where that’s what she was indoctrinated in. People don’t change that much. It’s why grwndpants still dress in the popular fashion of the time. Why I still have the same haircut as when I was 16. You’ll get there. Your kids and grandkids will chastise you for being “ woke” or whatever isn’t up with the current Ziegist
Your mom is a racist who isn’t interested in not being racist.
People rarely change.
Dont waste your Energy.
You are getting a lot of “she’s a piece of garbage” advice but that’s not going to fix the problem.
The reality is that you cannot, CANNOT, change her. You can try to explain to her all you want why she “can’t” use slurs, but the reality is that she CAN use them. She is proving it by doing so. It’s not nice, and it hurts some people’s feelings, but she can do it.
Here’s my advice to you: try to understand her better and love her better and definitely don’t engage in or argue about those topics with her. No one has ever convinced someone to be a better person by fighting, arguing, or cutting them out. Life doesn’t work that way. Instead, love her, care for her, and try to see her opinion (you don’t have to change yours, but try to see why she feels the way she does). Once you do that, you can KINDLY comment on her speech. For example, if she calls someone a slur, you can wince or say, “mom, that word makes me feel bad inside.” You could start helping her see other races as people that are trying to do their best, just as literally everyone on earth is doing by saying “I’m sure they are just doing their best with the crappy hand they were dealt” or similar. You can continue to be compassionate, kind, and loving to HER and everyone that you come into contact with (including those that she doesn’t like). Eventually, she will decide to make a change.
The reality is that she is not wrong in all aspects – Being racists IS wrong. She is wrong about that. But, it IS bad for people to use slurs against white people well. If a person uses it as a derogatory term, they mean it in a negative way and it doesn’t really matter if it hurts your feelings or not. She’s not wrong that there is a weird thing in America right now where white people are sometimes seen as racist regardless of what they do but other races are said to not be able to be racists. That is objectively wrong. So, try to understand her, and agree with her where she is right, and hold to your values where she is wrong, but do not argue or fight with her about it.
I hope that helps! Good luck OP!
I’m never threatening violence. I’m just giving fair warning and would appreciate the same (warning) when traveling. You could tell her if she ever goes to Akron and speaks it once she’ll be eating her teeth for breakfast.
To get her to change you have to make her understand that word/s were tools of a ruling class to disrespect a less powerful group. That the power influx is the difference.
Like in school if a child calls another child a bad word, even calls the teacher a bad word. It’s the work of a child. It’s not the institution standing behind it. It clearly an individual who holds little power. Now make the situation change to make the teacher call a child the same bad word. It carries much more weight and power because where it came from.
Uh yeah, she can use racial slurs
Pot calling the kettle black, saying white slurs are okay but drawing the line at another one.
If you’re reading a book. Context is completely reasonable. Is it bad tod say it?
She’s gonna FAAFO doing that silly shit.
Your mother may have to learn the hard way if she doesn’t get it.
You’re not going to convince her to not use slurs without completely upending everything else about her worldview, which is a tall order. Certainly, simply telling her that it’s wrong or that it’s not her word to use use isn’t going to convince her. Those just aren’t strong arguments to someone who doesn’t already believe those things.
You need to start coming to terms with the fact that she:
Knows that those words arent for her
Uses them while knowing they’re not for her
Uses them as white people use them: to harm others
Ohhh I’m sorry this has to be really hard for you. On some level she knows you are right but does not care/will not acknowledge that. You know better and if you have children of your own one day, you will not repeat her mistakes. That is all you can do. Maybe when you are older if this ends up creating distance btw you and her she might be willing to listen/try to change. Again, I’m sorry and happy for you that you know better and will do better.
because the people of that group are reclaiming it, as the lyrics from a Joyner Lucas song say “when we say it we know that’s just how we greet each other, when you say it there’s a double meaning under”. It isn’t that it’s okay for them to use it and not her, but the MEANING it holds for her is far different.
You can’t control other people; let it be and do what you feel is right for yourself. Speak using words that you are happy with, and that’s it. You aren’t going to change her.
I havent heard the term cracker since the 80s. Do people still use that?
Upton Sinclair wrote “It is difficult to get a man to understand something, when his salary depends on his not understanding it.”
Your mom is a middle-age conservative from the South. A large part of her world view rests on ignoring/minimizing the history mistreatment of white people by black people in this country.
As with the man whose salary depends on his ignorance, it’s going to be very hard to get her to understand the unique place the N-word occupies in US culture when her world view depends on her not understanding it.
She doesn’t care about all the real reasons. Would she care that people will think badly of her if she uses these terms? And does anyone who matters to her, besides you, think badly of her? Because if her entire social circle does the same, this kind of pressure won’t work. And how much does she care about getting your respect?
I say this because my husband, a genuinely good person, can’t understand intellectually what’s wrong with faking ethnic accents (he used to do “Chinese”). But after he was talked to by me and a work colleague he respects, he realized that even if he doesn’t understand, it’s bad, and he stopped.
it’s good when people who want to use slurs do it. this lets us know who we’re dealing with. everything is easier when people are honest.
She can’t have made it to 57 without knowing this. She prob doesn’t care. I’m in my late sixties & have heard about it being offensive since childhood. My parents’ generation (now in their 90s) may have found it hard to break the habit if they used them in the 1960s. But these things have been unacceptable as long as I can remember.The world is much smaller due to the internet; there is no way that she doesn’t know.
You have the right to say whatever words you want… well at least we do here in US. Using a word or set of words does not make you a racist. Just like how using a word or set of words does not make you a good person. You can say all the right things and still be a bad guy. Just tell her that it makes you uncomfortable when she says stuff like that and drop it. It isn’t your place to change your mother, nor is it your responsibility. Just worry about making sure that you are happy with the way you are living your own life and focus on things that are within your control.
Oh honey, next year when you’re 18. You never ever have to be seen with that woman again. And if I were you, I would run far far away from her. She knows damn well her actions are wrong, racist, and just straight up screwed. She chooses to ignore your points because she thinks that you’re a child. And honestly, you can’t reason with stupidity.
51 myself. The “they” argument doesn’t put her in a good light. If she’s 85… we expect some cringes. Time doesn’t move that fast for old folks. Your mom isn’t old. She might not be an asshole, but she’s latching onto an asshole’s argument. I do think there is a line that I see in my older cousins that causes me to lift my head now and then. “Hey man, Eminem is officially that last person allowed to use that word.”
I would break out some old ammo for this. Your mother is of an age where she remembers Matthew Shepherd. He was a young gay man abused and killed in a way no one could defend. I would think it impacted all of us. If you can relate her feelings for that scenario to how she can make others feel by choosing the wrong words, she’s not going to want to be on the side of those that killed Matthew. Tie her to being nearing the same plane and she might take a moment to digest it. The current politics has opened us up to racism in a way that we must resist and point out. I would do my best to lead her with firm kindness. She’s simply not too old to get this. 25 years from now… maybe you just accept it. Not today. Best of luck.
If I had a family member arguing they had the right to use racial slurs and whatever other language they like, I’d say “yes, you have the right to use the words you want to use, but I have the right to refuse to be around you if that’s the decision you want to make – and most other people will also make that same decision.”
You can’t stop her from using racist words, but she’ll just have to deal with the consequences of using them. People won’t want to be around her and if she does it in earshot of the wrong person, it could actually get her into very real trouble.
Telling her she’s not allowed to use them will likely do nothing to convince her. She’ll have to find out on her own when she alienates everyone around her – other than other racists, but if she really doesn’t understand the problem with her using the language and does not want to be seen as a racist, being surrounded only by racists will not be pleasant for her either.
My advice is to let her know where you stand and walk away if you have to.
well people of that race use it, so why can’t I?
Because she’s not of that race. She’s part of the race that used that word to demean and dehumanize the people it’s referring to. Think of it as a cultural taboo, the people in the group can use it amongst themselves but the people out of the group cannot.
“It’s just a word”
No it isn’t. Words are never just words. Words have power and even though they have no physical presence they shape the world nonetheless.
If you call your mother a bitch, a cunt, an idiot don’t those words hurt her?
African-American’s calling white people the word “Cracker” isn’t allowed. It’s only ever used as an insult. Besides she’s not taking into account the historical context of the N-word. Which was used to dehumanize black people and justify their slavery and oppression. Then when black people were freed it was still used by people to make it seem like black people were their lessers and thus subhuman.
Cracker and the N-word are both terms that can be used to insult but their severity and impact are completely different. As a comparison, theft and murder are both crimes but one is more impactful and severe than the other.
All in all, good people try to avoid language that is offensive to other people because they care about the feelings of others. You can tell your mother that her use of slurs is offensive to you because you care about how that word was used and is used to dehumanize and offend people. You are offended because you care about others, because you are a good person.
If your mother’s is Christian then here’s another way to argue
Christ’s primary teachings can be boiled down to treat others as you would yourself. Essentially love others as you would love yourself.
Your mother’s doesn’t want to be insulted does she? Then she should not use words that insult others.
If she thinks that she is allowed to use hurtful words because others use hurtful words then remember another of Christ’s central teachings. “Turn the other cheek” just because others resort to hurtful and cruel actions it doesn’t not mean you should as well.
My daughter tells us regularly that we shouldn’t be using words and we try to change because we care about not offending others with our ignorance. Just keep telling her.
I tell people they’re certainly entitled to use language that harms other people but doing everything you’re entitled to do makes you a bad person. Don’t be mad when other people notice you’re running around announcing that you want to hurt other people and only care about yourself.
She’s unlikely to listen because that’s how selfish people behave but that’s not your problem.
You don’t. You accept that she’s from a different generation where such things weren’t looked upon as harshly and it will die with her.
You dont tell her she cant. You tell her she shouldnt. There is a difference
I grew up in the south, and now live in the northeast.
I don’t think I’ve ever been called a cracker. Or anything else that could be called a slur against Caucasians.
> I mentioned how we didn’t read the slurs aloud and for some reason that set her off.
You are so anti-racist that you are unable to read an anti-racist book out loud.
It’s not surprising you were set off. I would be set off if someone whose education I cared about was unable to read a classic work of fiction because of language policing.
The word “cracker” is offensive, but obviously due to historical context it is of a significantly lesser weight. It means “whip cracker” as in “slave master”. You should be offended by that word as it basically says you’re a piece of shit who thinks owning people is okay.
But let’s not minimize any form of prejudice, regardless of the target. The way you are approaching this entire thing you will not get anywhere and you’re likely worsening the issue. You need to try to see shit from her perspective to change her worldview. You will not gain any traction with your way. I do not mean agree with her viewpoint. I am saying actually look at what you’re working with and not just a dismissive “oh, she’s racist, she should know these things.” You don’t understand one another. You cannot change what you don’t understand.
Also, people who just sum it up as “she knows” are using their own lens to interpret her. There are many people in this world who don’t see the chess board and think we are all pawns. They will funnel everything through thay perspective.
If you really want to push it even though she likely doesn’t care, you’ve got a couple points. One, golden rule. You treat others the way you want to be treated. Two, good manners. People who were raised right don’t use racial slurs. Three, it’s unchristian. God told us to love everybody more than we love ourselves and you can’t love someone and use slurs against them. Four, ask her how she would feel if you called her the c-word and see if she starts understanding why slurs are bad (maybe wait until you’re moved out to do this one). If you tell what type of southern woman she is (are we talking redneck or pearls southern) I can give you more specific points.
My mums my mum. She can be whatever person she wants to be. She loves me for who I am.
This whole ideaology that we be the judge and jury on what a person should and shouldn’t do I absolutely insane.
Her generation is hard as nails and people didn’t run around being all butt hurt cause someone said something they didn’t like. People need to grow up and be responsible for their OWN behavior and quit dictating others.
I am not for racisim at all, but I am smart enough to not fuel the fire and give it the power that everyone seems too.
She actually does have the right to use slurs.
Im on your moms side, don’t use words to define yourself if others can’t use it either 🤷
Don’t call yourself the N word if you don’t want others to use it, leading by example is the only way to do it.
Here’s the fun part, you don’t
People never change their behavior when you “explain” the circumstance to them
They change their behavior 1) only if they want to or are threatened 2) when you first see and understand why they’re doing what they’re doing, and offer them a new way to try
Call her the worst thing you can think of repeatedly, and if she complains you can explain that it’s “just a word”
Here’s how I like to explain it, assuming everyone involved speaks English specifically (since that’s my own experience):
When learning a new language, like Spanish, you’re going to come into contact with words you don’t know. You may hear them out and about, and you may hear people who speak that language say it pretty often. Just because you hear it doesn’t mean you really know what it means. If I hear the word zapatos I may not know what it means, so it would make me look foolish to all of a sudden use it in my sentences. Slurs are like new languages in a way. You may hear a slur used by others who really know the meaning and have felt the effects of that word, but just because you’ve heard it used casually doesn’t mean you have a fundamental understanding of the weight it carries for people. That’s why you should use slurs. If the simple fact of they’re mean isn’t enough, I try to explain it as a speech related thing. Sort of like accents or phrases that tend to be regional, except it’s by race, orientation, etc. instead of where you’re from.
Ask her why she wants to be racist so damn badly.
“Cracker” isn’t a slur. It’s a reference to >!slave owners’ use of whips.!<
Just pack your bags and find a new place to stay. That’s how you explain it.
I think you will probably end up exhausting yourself and not getting her to understand. If you like being with her and your relationship brings you something good more than bad, keep that relationship and argue on these issues on specific cases (e.g., she should respect your friends who are POC). This is just my opinion of course, but like other people said she probably doesn’t want to be convinced or truly hear your perspective. Predjudice can be very hard to tackle.
Because of your age, if you’re living in her house, there’s not a lot you could do to get through to her if what you said so far hasn’t worked. It doesn’t sound like it’s going to. You can try to refuse to go out in public with her if possible? Once you move out and you’re paying your own way, you will be able to set limits on what is allowed in your household. Until that day comes I feel there’s not much you could do to change her mind. Look at it as you tried and that’s more than others do.
If at 57 she hasn’t figured it out, nothing you can say will help. When she does it in private. Exit the conversation and the room. In public, apologize in front of her for her ignorant behavior.
You’re not going to change her mind, but you can tell her that you don’t approve of that lanhiyanf that you don’t want to hear it. Then let her do what she will with that. If yo don’t approve, just be around her less and don’t be afraid to tell her why.
Racist people will do racist things. And being in the US, this country has a history that runs deep with anti-Black and anti-immigrant racism. So of course a lot of people, especially older people, aren’t going to see their racism as a problem since it was normal for them for most of their life.
I appreciate that you want your mom to do better, but you should protect your own peace. Continue telling her that you think that it’s wrong and that she shouldn’t do it when it happens, but don’t hold your breath.
Hate words. Are often used by people who intend to harm.
So if you aren’t obviously an ally then it might freak them out, or they might feel threatened.
And that’s scary for everyone.
What do you expect me to do, if you use a word that throughout my life has meant something very bad. And usually meant a stranger wanted to hurt me.
That’s how I would explain it.
I had a very similar argument with my Mother quite a few years back. My tactic was to point out that in the African American community, even they debate whether or not anybody should be using that word. Before he was outed as a rapist, Bill Cosby was noterious for criticising his fellow comedians and rappers for the use of that word. If the african american community can’t agree on words usage, then I there is no way in hell that I am stepping in the middle of that debate. It is way easier to just find another word.
You don’t. She knows what she is doing. She can deal with the consequences. Some of that will fall on you, nothing you can do, unfortunately. Maybe ask her nicely not to embarass you.
She is enjoying being deliberately offensive. Give her a reason not to enjoy it. Spray her with water or sound an air horn every time she does it.
her generation does not appreciate the speech police.
Ask your mom how she would feel if you called her a stupid cunt? “It’s just words. Australian people say it all the time.”
You can’t fix her.
Do you honestly think she doesn’t already know? She doesn’t care.
You don’t. She’s a grown ass woman with a developed frontal lobe. She knows. She just doesn’t care.
You can’t. She’s not going to accept that criticism from you.
I’m not sure you can but saying “You don’t have the right to” most certainly will not work. She has every right to, she just shouldn’t.
Instead of “mom”, call her “bitch”. “Hey bitch what’s for dinner.” She will soon realize words do in fact have meaning.
dont actually do this unless you can handle the fall out
My husband, who was black, often said that black people shouldn’t use the n word because white people will hear it and think it’s okay.
I think you should get away from the “rights” argument and focus on whether or not it’s morally ok and socially acceptable. After that you should ultimately let her choose how she wants to talk to people and let her live with the consequences.
May I just say how proud I am of you for being brave enough to stand strong for your values and convictions against that of your own parent. It can’t be easy.
There is always going to be a generational divide with our parents. Times change and parents sadly sometimes lack the capacity or ability to learn to be different from the ppl that we surround ourselves in.. we call these things bubbles and often in the south for instance that bubble can be racist or in the north it can be wealth discrimination the Midwest tends to have a ton of religious righteousness and I could go on and on.. there is a reason stereotypes exist and it’s usually because they have some basis in reality.
When I was young it was ,dating outside your “class” it was a real thing to say they were raised on the wrong side of the tracks and somehow our parents always knew when we brought a boy home from the poor side of town. I married one of those boys and he was brilliant and proved to my parents that they were wrong. He made something of himself without there help.
One of my grandparents was like your mom and I didn’t disown her as some say here but instead I was patient and just started by asking her to not speak like that in public and then it was not saying things like honey child 🤷🏻♀️when she was talking to someone who was African American. If you can imagine I wanted to die! This blue hairs old lady saying that in macys as if it was the most natural thing for a white lady to say…. I had to explain it all to her and by the time my sister married an African American man she was rehabilitated she would spend hours asking him questions about his culture and invited his mom to her house for a card game with the other ladies now that’s a successful start.
It’s ok to forbid ppl in your orbit to use
Racist language or to be a bigot or antisemite it’s our conviction that changes ppl. I will not come to your home if you
Keep flying the rebel flag on your house, I’m sorry I cannot tolerate the words your using and while I love you it makes me cringe so in the future I will walk out without words mid sentence if I must if you use any of those words in front of me.
It gives me hope to hear that someone who was raised by a clearly racist mother has at your age formed your own seperate opinions and beliefs. Keep up the good work.
So she grew up in a racist and bigoted house. Just call her a cunt all the time and use her own logic “it’s just a word” against her
She doesn’t care. You can explain it all you like, she’s likely mocking you intentionally.
My advice is … Govern your own speech and actions, and leave your mother to commit whatever social injustices she chooses to do. Ultimately, she is the one that will answer for them – not you. You’ve done enough to recognize that she’s a bad example not to follow.
“Cracker” sounds hilarious and delicious as an insult and I’d never be offended by that. Besides that, I will never say a racial or other phobic slur. I think it’s gross and demeaning. I had a coworker once try to give me the permission to say a specific word, but I wouldn’t budge. Unless you live under a rock, you know certain words are bad and should never be spoken. She KNOWS it’s wrong, but she’s racist and doesn’t want to change. Those people who cry out “it’s just a word” while throwing racial slurs are the first ones to get offended when you call them something back. If two black people want to hurl the n-word to each other, I won’t bat an eye. I think some words like that are only meant for a select few to say outside of that race or demographic. I have family in the south, all white, traditional and right-wing also who have never said those words.
You can’t do anything she’s a racist piece of shit who isn’t going to change her ways until long after she’s six feet deep into the cold hard ground. Simply put she doesn’t care and knows damn well what she is doing
Just use ageist(?) slurs around them until they stop.
She knows she shouldn’t use them. She’s just a hate-filled racist, and unfortunately, most of them are past the point of saving. Sorry OP.
67M raised in New England. My Grandmother,(70 yrs old at the time) an old school Italian women, would occasionally use the word. My father (her son) pulled me aside and let me know we didn’t use that word anymore.
your mom is a racist.
Freedom of speech is not qualified by it being appropriate, rational, classy, tasteful, or compassionate.
There is no magic word that will make someone let go of an outdated embarrassing point of view. She’s not that old, people her age know better, she doesn’t choose to do better.
Also, who gets called a cracker? I don’t think I have heard that in actual conversation in at least 20 years.
She is 57 and a trash human being. She isn’t going to change.
Your mother knows but she’s not a good person so she doesn’t care
You can’t. You can only decide how you will react to it, you cannot make her behave.
Honestly don’t see why you care, why are you offended by it? My grandparents are in their 80s and both use slurs constantly. I personally don’t use slurs, but why would I be offended if other people do. It’s not like them being racist affects me personally, and explaining to them not to be racist isn’t going to magically change how they’ve been their entire lives
Unless she has been living under a rock for the last 50 years, she knows well what she’s doing and she just doesn’t care.
You make us all proud! You’re the upcoming generation and, god willing, at least some of this garbage will die out with older folks.
You likely won’t be able to change how another human being behaves – ever. Teach by example. Reinforce and reward ANY progress she makes, no matter how small. Leave the room immediately whenever she does something offensive. Perhaps depriving her of your company will get her attention.
Gravitate towards other forward-thinking people, and put your energy there. You’re fighting the good fight! Thank you.
Your mom is choosing to be a bad person.
Do you mean why she shouldn’t? You can’t control what she’s says.
Depending on which European White your family hails from, start calling her the slurs that get used for them. Perhaps some self medicine will get thru to her. But I wouldn’t hold your breath.
Love these rage bait posts lol
Tell her she is sick for saying that. And as for the reasons to not use it: ultimately it is a word used to label a person as less than human. Why would she want to do that?
Your mother is a 57 year old racist; she KNOWS it is wrong to use derogatory words and she doesn’t care. You can simply tell her that that is a very disrespectful term to use and you will not remain in her presence when she uses it. Then exit yourself every single time….
your mom is a racist. shes playing dumb. One day dump her in the worst nursing home you can find
Don’t explain it, just tell to stop when you’re around. Be strict. Maybe it clicks for her.
Its easy to fall into the trap of X demographic gets to call Y demographic the Z slur so its ok for Y to call X whatever no matter which variables you plug in. It’s no different from screaming “but he/she did it too” in kindergarden. Its childish behavior devoid of personal accountability.
This is a problematic take. No one said anyone was being physically attacked, but she shouldn’t be surprised if she eventually gets a well deserved verbal smack down. It’s very easy to live your whole life without using a racial slur.
You treat her like the racist she is.
Mom , it is not because you are a woman that I can call you wh@re and a sl×t.
Same goes with otjer people.
Unfortunately the reason she wants to use them is because she’s racist. So most arguments won’t work because they’d be based on the premise that racism is wrong, and she doesn’t believe that.
So you can’t make her understand (she already understands) but you might be able to at least modify her behavior a bit. When I was young and lived in the south the way some of my family got other parts of my family to stop using racist slurs was to tell them it made them sound low-class and trashy. Which is problematic in and of itself, since there are many working class white people who are not racist and don’t use slurs. But it worked, and might be worth a try? An inherent part of racism is a desire to feel superior to someone, so if you can turn it into something embarrassing, she might stop.
In the end you’re probably not going to be able to change your mother, and that’s hard because of course you love her. But we can love people and not admire them, or want to spend time with them. Once you’re an adult, you’ll be able to establish boundaries, like not being willing to be in public with her if she uses words like that. One of my early memories is being in a restaurant with my mom and grandmother. We hadn’t even gotten our food yet. My grandmother said a racist slur, and my mom stood up, gave the waitress some money and told her dinner was canceled, and we left.
I got McDonalds for dinner so I was thrilled, and my grandmother started to get it through her stupid head that this crap wasn’t going to fly. (My mom had put up with that behavior to “keep the peace,” until she had kids and realized what it was teaching us.)
One last thing — when you argue this stuff with your mom, don’t come from the place of your anger, come from the place of your sad disappointment that she doesn’t understand. Fighting your anger will just make her feel determined and triumphant and determined to “win.”
slurs are slurs so don’t say cracker
I think if you are having to explain that to a 57 year old it’s a lost cause. People can change they simply choose not to sometimes.
I would say normally one shouldn’t say the words in every day polite conversation. Or any conversation. Almost ever. If the words come up in some public reading (book club) or acting context, then the words are not wrong to say in that context. But ONLY that context. Any other context is wrong and the person who does is an asshole.
Tell your mom that she shouldn’t say it, but if she won’t listen, NEVER day it around you.
I get the feeling this is just the tip of the iceberg. I bet she’s also “brutally honest” and some people don’t like the truth right?
You will not get her to change. Walking away when the topic comes up is the best policy for now. Once you’re grown and out of the house you can decide how much you want her in your life, around your potential future kids, etc.
Is she using the slurs towards someone?
While I understand it is plain rude to call someone a slur, I don’t see the problem with using a word in a sentence. I won’t call someone an idiot to their face; but there is no harm in using it in a sentence like I just did.
She’s not confused about how harmful the words are. She is a racist and doesn’t see anything wrong with it.
I’m sorry, but your mother is a bad person.
It’s not age, I’m 62, my late uncle was 91 and my aunt was 99 on her last birthday. None of us use these words or harbor those thoughts.
Nuclear non serious suggestion -film her the next time she saying it or going on a rant. Wait to post when you are financially independent.
Gatekeeper
As a black guy who went to a caholic school where kids would debate why they cant call me the N word.
She doesnt care. Your mom is a racist POS and you just habe to disassociate with her as soon as you are an adult or you will be viewed as how we see her. Racist people generally dont change until their ways cost them greatly.
Is she bold enough to use those words in front of the people they are derogatory towards? If she doesn’t then she knows that she shouldn’t be saying them and doesn’t care, if she does then she’s just openly racist and doesn’t care. Cracker isn’t a racial slur; systems built for white people by people of color is the reason that racism against white people cannot exist- coming from a white person. I would be annoying and keep letting her know these things but at her big age of 50 something, she already knows and doesn’t care to change.
Good manners isn’t about what other people do, it’s about what you do. If your mom saw someone punch someone else, would she then decide punching someone is OK for her to do?
It’s WILD that a debate over whether or not a racial slur should be read aloud from the original text in a scholastic setting(which is a legitimate debate) led to her crashing out over her not being able to use the word whenever she wants in whatever context she wants.
But then, racists gonna racist.
I’m from a conservative white northern family, and a couple gems from my past:
My uncle in 2005, on Christmas day, referencing Hurricane Katrina: “I hate niggers, but they’re people too, so I sent some money.”
My 80-something year old grandmother, probably around the same time: “Walmart lets niggers park in front of the store and makes the good whites have to walk.”
You can’t win against people like that.
You will never be able to explain it to her, because she already understands, and doesn’t see it as wrong.
All you can do now is accept this unfortunate information about her character, and move differently around her from now on.
Is this in the South? Most people in the South are uneducated and ignorant because their parents were also. Is this an excuse? No, but most people who are ignorant have no desire to learn anything other than what their ignorant parents taught them.
You aren’t going to change her. I would suggest just not responding to her or acknowledging that she spoke if she’s using slurs. Pretend she didn’t speak or end the conversation and walk away. It’s ok to tell her, “I’m not going to have a conversation with you if you are going tobuse hateful words.”
Mehhh,
I’ve come to find, that all those people who our parents were saying slurs about and embarrassing us over, were all saying slurs about us and our people and family. Loud and proud too.
The difference is, their children weren’t embarrassed at all. In fact, they were proud their parents used a slur against yours. They even encouraged it. Now, they’re still using them and teaching their children to use them against you and your future children.
So, in some ways, our parents were fine. They were just treating everyone as an equal like we always wanted.
Don’t toss your mother to the wolves for people who wouldn’t give a shit if you starved.
I could have written this post 30 years ago. She’s a racist and she’s not gonna change. You’re wasting your time.
You are almost an adult. You won’t have to listen to that ignorant bigot for much longer. Her influence over you will lessen as you go out into the world. Leave her small minded ways behind and live your life.
To me, slurs show ignorance and disrespect. I say that as a white woman whose father used them. I cringed and he knew better. He just didn’t care that it reflected badly on him and his family.
Let her know that you will not accept it and someday if she wants to know her grandkids she will stop.
If you want to be an anti racist person, you’ll have to choose if you want to maintain a relationship with your racist mother once you can get out on your own.
Sorry this is the grim reality, racists like your parents, and mine, don’t change their minds until they experience real world consequences.
You cannot make anyone do anything. Life gets easier when you realize that. You can tell her how
much you dislike it. You can ask her to stop. If she continues you have to decide if you will ignore it or set a boundary. If you set one be ready to do what you say. It may be to end conversation, it may be to leave room, it may be to leave the meal , it may be to ask her to leave the house.
Think through this carefully and realize you aren’t ( and can’t) control her, you are deciding what you want to be present for .
Someone eventually will hand her her ass over it. FAFO.
You don’t. Because she can. Really have to explain why she shouldn’t. And I encourage you to speak to her disrespectfully to prove the point. If she can’t be bothered to be cordial with others, why does she deserve the privilege she denies them?
she’s racist that’s it, you can’t do anything about it. Your mothers just a bad person.
good luck w that
Secure, confident people don’t need to use slurs to “even the score” with people they don’t know.
Ask her what she did when you were a kid and couldn’t understand why you couldn’t do something.
Flip the senerio to one she would understand.
I guess a good idea would be to have her meet someone who has experienced racism for many years and have a talk with them if she wants and accept to listen eagerly about how people from other backgrounds different from hers perceive life and everything in it? I know that USA has strict rules against racism and prejudice for the safety of the diverse communities there and I totally agree with these rules . Using derogatory terms and racial slurs is harmful not only for the victims but can give troubles with the law to the assailant too . If you don’t know how to make this clear to your mother , you can explain the consequences of racism with the help of CHATGPT for a better explanation . Respect and love all people, we are all parts in the huge puzzle of our diverse world , different but totally equal in every sense
I’m from a white, southern, “traditional” family and the best advice I can give you is to start practicing firm boundaries and building a community outside of blood relations. Your mom is a racist, sadly, and you’re not going to debate her out of that. Keep working to deconstruct and reject the racist ideologies you were raised in. It’s a difficult path but incredibly worth it.
She’s just racist she can’t be helped. White people are called “cracker” because the poor white men working the plantations were cracking whips up on the people actually working hard to make the South profitable. It’s a word to denote exactly what the second most problematic people of your race did in a time where they were very clearly oppressing people. Meanwhile the N slur is a term used historically to dehumanize black people and make white people feel like they shouldn’t feel sympathy. After all it’s not a person that’s getting beaten for picking too little cotton on an empty stomach, that’s not a person being raped because the plantation owner felt horny, it’s just a Ni.
Your mother is arguing about this because she’s bought into the programming. She’s just racist and unless you find a way to fix that, you’ll never get her to understand she shouldn’t be using slurs.
I mean, I would start calling her derogatory terms. Mind you I’m a petty bitch who has no problem serving the same energy someone gives me. I’d be calling her “hag” “old cunt” “ugly bag” each time she utters a racial slur. If she doesnt learn, at least youre making it VERY clear that her behaviour is disgusting.
If she doesn’t like swearing or ‘using the lords name in vane’ then maybe it’s time to start, and when she tells you off, you can tell her ‘why? It’s just a word? People use it all the time!’ Then lead the conversation around words that she feels are unacceptable and words you find unacceptable, and maybe make a deal that you won’t swear in front of her and she won’t use racial slurs in front of you, because you both find these types of language offensive.
And if she keeps doing it, every time she does it, say a swear word back. Hopefully she will get the picture that you can have freedom of expression without having to use offensive language.
As a Brit, the word ‘C U Next Tuesday’ (edit to avoid moderator bots) might just do the trick, you can tell her that it’s just a slang word for a body part, so should be fine to say it, particularly as a woman yourself. Brits say it all the time, particularly to people we really like actually! 😆🇬🇧
Good luck!
Let people talk whatever they want, there is something called freedom of speech
“Hypothetically, let’s say that your husband (if she doesn’t have a husband, pick any male relative or friend she has) called you a b*, or a c, or a w****, and then when he was questioned on it, he said that he’s heard women refer to each other as those terms before, so that gives him the right to use those terms against any woman he meets, regardless of if that particular woman has ever called another woman one of those terms. Would you agree with him that he should continue to refer to you by any word he wants so long as he has heard a woman use that word before? If not, why can’t you extend that same respect to other people and not call them by terms that are there to offend them?”
If she acknowledged that she’d prefer not to be referred to by those terms, but thinks she still should have a right to call other people slurs, then don’t bother wasting any more of your time trying to reason with her. It’s not worth trying to convince someone who has already decided they aren’t willing to be convinced.
You can’t parent your parents
Believe me I’ve tried..
You can’t reason with anyone who hasn’t reasoned with themselves also
“Mom why are you trying to reinforce the white trash racist reputation the south has? Its embarrassing”. Thou given your 17 maybe keep that one in your back pocket until she cant control your life anymore. Don’t endanger yourself cause your mom’s racist trash
Just start referring to her as a stupid cunt and when she gets upset say “ma, it’s just words.”
See if that helps it sink in.
Good luck. If they call us a racial slur, does that mean we should do the same? I was taught that two wrongs don’t make a right. Be better. Treat others the way you’d want to be treated. You get the point.
Honestly, she already knows why she shouldn’t be racist and just doesn’t care so you are probably not going to get much traction with whatever you try.
But the reason is that there’s a power imbalance and abuse is only abuse when it’s done by someone more powerful to someone less powerful, so someone in a marginalised minority who is punching upward can’t abuse someone who’s further up the chain even if they use the same behaviours such as calling offensive race-based names. The more powerful person has more scope to prevent, avoid or stop the unwanted behaviour and that’s what makes your mother wrong to use whataboutery to justify her racism.
I mean, technically she can. Your question would be “how do i educate an ignorant gen x’er on why we SHOULDN’T use racial slurs?”
Adults are hard to teach. The older you are, the harder it is to remember things, and harder to learn new things. I learned spanish in high school. Cake. Im trying italian as a gen x’er and its killing me. They’re both latin based! FML. Anyway, back to the point, adults are pretty stuck in their ways. I would try appealing to how they make you feel, and make it about you. You are their child, and they should respect you. So if their language is offensive to you, let them know how it hurts you. Let them know that society has grown, and our species as humans have improved to be a loving, and accepting society that doesnt need all the hate.
And rock some Bob Marley at full blast as often as possible ;), If she prefers the late Prince of Darkness… rock some “Crazy Train”. Perhaps thats more her speed.
Just save up to move out tbh
Tell her straight. It’s ugly. It makes her look like ugly ignorant trash.
You could ask her to stop using them around you. That’s a reasonable request.
Encourage her to do it in public and do not intervene with the fallout.
Because it is embarrassing to have a relative that talks like they are drooling to be a member of the ku klux klan.
It IS silly you can’t read the word from literature lol, what the hell?
Explain that freedom of speech ≠ freedom from consequence
She can call a black person a ginger (anagrammed for humour) and the state will not arrest her and put her in prison but the black person in question may punch her in the face
Freedom from state action, not street justice
I work with alot of old white people and from my experience directly confronting them with their racism doesn’t really do anything. I rather watch my own language (sometimes they adapt certain words) and tell them about or introduce them to people I know that are originally from another country.
My mom was a lot like your mom about 5 years ago. I said, you can say whatever you want but you taught me that what I say and do communicates to others what type of person I am – and using these words communicates to others that you hate black people – if that is what you want to communicate, that is your call. No one is stopping you (but someone could decide they find it offensive enough to physically or verbally intervene).
I said – I dont believe you taught me to judge people by their skin color, and so it is weird to me that you prioritize some right to say whatever you want over displaying the values you taught me in your speech. I dont want to be around someone who conveys to the world that they hate minorities – because I don’t agree and you are ultimately in bed with the company you keep.
She really responded to that – and we havent had a problem since.
mind you – it also required that I really scaffold to her how yes, she could say things in her youth that now arent acceptable. she could decide that she doesnt want to grow with the times – but the times change and refusing to learn how your actions come off to others now doesnt excuse you from the consequences – here being understood as a racist.
EDIT: Also shout out tonthe advice about setting a boundary that you won’t be mistaken for a racist and will need to leave if she is using those words.
If a racist isn’t willing to see why racism is wrong and continue to use slurs and derogatory language openly, then they’re a self admitted racist. Using “Freedom of Speech” as an excuse to take other peoples freedoms away.
Sorry. Your mom is a racist.
“Let’s not use words that are used to hurt people,” but honestly, she’s probably not gonna get it bc she doesn’t want to get it :/
People shouldn’t use slurs.
But, she isn’t wrong in saying if they use a slur against her it is only fair for her to return the favor.
We don’t get to pick and choose which slurs are acceptable.
Context and setting. I have a large friend group of various diversity, we’ll all use slurs in conversation and nothing meant by it as it’s friendly in context and we joke with eachother. But your mom is right, if cracker is being used malicious I don’t know anyone white who would be ok with that, same on the flip side. You’ll find yourself in bad situations if you allow people to maliciously use slurs against you.
Move out, problem solved
She won’t ever change
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this with your mother. She doesnt even want to listen and frankly sounds borderline narcississtic.
A) it’s the intent that matters. A way of saying “bro” on the one hand, a derogatory term on the other
B) Just because someone uses a term that offends you doesn’t mean it’s okay to do the same AKA just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
C) If for no other reason, tell her it’s about her safety. It doesn’t matter who you offend – black, brown, white – some people will beat your ass. Self preservation may be the only thing that gets through. Show her videos of people getting knocked out so hard they start to have a seizure.
You don’t explain anything. When you grow up and pay your own way you can decide if you want to be around or not. Until then you quit complaining and be grateful that you have a mother that will take care of you.
Bluntly.
Anyone can but no one should.
Find stuff that makes her feel extremely hurt, and call her that any time she uses a racial slur.
I wouldn’t worry about controlling what people say.
Focus on controlling yourself and your emotions.
You don’t decide what people can and can’t say.
I’m not suggesting you do this, but I kind of wonder what she’d do if you just kept referring to her as a liberal snowflake in every situation possible regardless of context. If she asked why, you’d just make stuff up. Most racism is based on fictitious info anyway.
I think it would be interesting as a social/thought experiment, but detrimental to the life of a minor living with a racist.