My wife got made unemployed a month ago and she is struggling emotionally and mentally with the stress of finding of a new job but also with her health, she has had medical complications from giving birth to our 4 year old and she feels like she is letting us down, despite me telling her otherwise. She’s religious and she says all she can do is pray. Her healthy complaints have worsened – she’s changed to a vegan diet as she feels that processed food has impacted her and she’s constantly tired or nauseous. She’s seen a doctor and we know it’s nothing like a pregnancy and she’s having constant tests. Her job hunt has not gone well, she gets no responses from ads and the market is tough.
I have tried to be supportive, I make meals, I take care of our daughter around working full time as a secondary school teacher (So have only just gone on summer break) – I try to keep everything going but I find myself struggling too. I don’t know what to do or say without making things worse. I have no friends to lean on and no family to support us. My only family is my mother who is living in palliative care in Devon….so nowhere near.
Reddit? What is the best way to support her? I can’t afford a therapist for her and I really need her to get out this funk. I am running out of ideas.
Context – She was a HR worker in the finance industry in central London but we’ve lived in Essex since Covid.
Comments
Damn dude, that’s a rough spot to be in. No magic solution for ya, but empathy (not sympathy) is key here. Feeling heard can mean the world, y’know? Job hunt’s a beast, too – maybe suggest she looks into different fields or remote work? And about the vegan thing, check she’s getting all nutrients? B12 deficiencies can wreck you.
Above all, remember it’s okay to feel overwhelmed yourself. We’re only human, bro. Take it a day at a time. Stick in there, support her, listen 💪 you’ll pull through this together.
Honestly I think the number one thing that can help her is the proper diagnosis from her doctor. Tell her to go back to her doctor and make sure that he is addressing all of her problems. Sometimes doctors can only test one thing at a time. She can also get a second opinion at a different doctor.
Hopefully you have some anti-nausea medicine in the meantime. It sounds like she is feeling quite unwell and is doing everything that she can feeling this unwell.
At this point I would recommend that she tried to get in with a temp agency or a job recruiting agency. At this point it would be better for her to get any job whatsoever and then try to get a better one.
About the vegan diet – if it is making her nauseous, she should rethink what she’s doing. It might not agree with her digestive track, or the specific foods she eats are bad for her specifically… While vegan diet can be healthy, it isn’t if it’s not done correctly and it’s not healthy for every single person, especially those who have other health issues or food allergies/restrictions. She can eat a food that isn’t overprocessed without adhering to the vegan diet.
About other issues – if she isn’t aware of it already, unfortunately plenty of people are struggling to get a new job right now. She isn’t alone, and it’s not her fault. Of you can, try asking around people you know of if they don’t knwo about someone from her field that is hiring – internal hiring process would skip all the HR bs that’s prevalant nowadays.
Vegan diet? She’s probably not getting enough protein and that will make any health issues worse.
Unfortunately, you may need her to get out of this funk but you can’t *make* her get out of this funk. Make sure you are getting enough food and rest, so you have the energy to be patient as she works through this.
She may come to you for the n-th time asking the same questions, re-hashing the same worries, and you need to be able to respond with compassion and calmness *every single time*.
So sorry that you’re all dealing with this. The market is horrible right now. The best way for her to get a job is through an agency, temping /contracting OR using her network. I once hired someone from a Facebook post! I shared the job on my feed and someone in my network recommended his wife, who got hired. More people use Facebook than LinkedIn. Get her to post something online and ask if anyone knows of someone who can help.
As for her health, stress can make things much worse and had such a detrimental affect on your body. I hope things improve soon
She needs to be speaking with a therapist yesterday. Birth trauma translating into physical illness down the road is a real thing and on top of that she just needs more support than even you can offer. When I got laid off my husband was in the same place and I was sick too and therapy gave me the tools to be compassionate to myself and to let myself get help. I got on some great meds that also helped me return to normal eating patterns too because my blood sugar was just dripping all the damn time on my diets.
Basically nothing you can say will reassure her but keep saying it anyway and offer to go to a first session with her if she wants it but therapy is crucial in addition to medical intervention to help get your mind to a place where you can process the scary you’ve been carrying.
She needs purpose. Help her find volunteer work related to HR or finance. It’ll boost her confidence & skills, plus give her something to look forward to
You’re her husband. Ask her how she is doing, look into her eyes, dont critique, validate, nod, let her speak. hold her close, let her know she is loved, call her sexy, amazing, all those things that bring a smile to your face. Tell her the reasons you fell in love with her, why you love her still and why you’ll love her forever. Say it every day you get up, in the middle of the day and before you go to bed. Do it so much it becomes a part of her DNA. No amount of dishes and chores is going to replace being vulnerable with your wife.
There is also group therapy, therapy by donation, and health nd wellness coaching, any of these could be a cheaper alternative to Therapy.
Well…first things first. She is not going to “snap out of it.” I know you wrote “get out” but it’s essentially the same thing. She is NOT going to suddenly, magically, “get better.” She is not “in a funk.” She’s seriously depressed, to the point it’s affecting her health. Might very well be postpartum depression, which is no joke. You need to prep yourself for the fact that this thing is going to be a slog.
Second thing: you’re not going to be the person who gets her out of it. You’re way way WAY out of your depth on this one.
The fact that she’s looking for “magic bullets” herself is a major problem. A vegan diet isn’t going to fix anything, and if she does it badly it could compound any medical issues. I’m guessing it already has. And religion is not going to fix it either.
So first thing you’ve got to do is find out what kind of support (preferably free) is available to you. I take it you’re in the UK…there are lots of avenues for support, though I recognize they’re of variable quality. Among other things, you’ve certainly got Samaritans, and she should be talking to THEM…perhaps daily. They know the right way to shape a conversation so she gets some sense of empowerment back in her life. They can probably also point you to other resources.
But beyond that, uncircle the wagons. Look for as much help as you can get and use it. And be the person who convinces HER to use them as well, no matter how much her natural inclination is to resist. At that point, focus on figuring out how to marshall your own energy so you don’t exhaust yourself.
Tough road you’ve got, but people DO find the end of it.
Tell her to get the book called Cleanse to Heal by Anthony William. It will help her reclaim her health and change her life.
Has she had her iron and b12 levels checked? Simple blood tests can clear or do here. If she’s on a vegan diet there are nutrients she needs to find in plant based foods.
Listening and affection
You can self refer to NHS talking therapies. There is a waiting list but the sooner she gets on it, the better. They will offer CBT which may help.
To see what is available locally, put your postcode into http://www.HubOfHope.co.uk
It will show you all the mental health services and support available in your area
With regard to her health, I think it is really important that she goes back to the doctor – and that you go with her and go into the consultation with her. The evidence shows she is likely to be taken far more seriously if there is a man there advocating for her too. Which is ridiculous but it is worth knowing. Is she getting any headaches?
Have they tested her ferritin as well as her Haemoglobin? They often ignore the effects of low ferritin if people are not anaemic.
You said the birth left her with some health problems? Are they being sorted out or is she just expected to tolerate them?
I was on universal credit for awhile – after 9 months I got referred to a job club which was so helpful. I did all their workshops eg:self confidence, interview skills, you get access to the software firms use to sift through CVs and can use it to hone your own. Unlike UC they did not advocate for finding just any work, they encouraged us to find a job that suited us and really helped. Most of all it helped lift my mood and give me some confidence.
I wonder if there is anything like that she could access? I know she will not be able to claim benefits but you could see if this type of support is available.
Could she talk to her vicar? They may be able to provide some support – maybe there is a group she can go to at the church?
You need people around you. I don’t have family either. My friends are everything. Does she have any who she could see or who would come over?
Do you think she is depressed? This can cause incredible fatigue and the comment you made about her feeling she is letting you down points to her having very low self esteem at the moment. She may find a short course of antidepressants helpful if she is.
Aside of those things, encourage her to stay hydrated and gently active. If she can go for a walk each day in nature it can help to increase her mood and reduce fatigue. A mix of normal pace with some brisk pace is best but any walk is better than nothing.
You say she prays, would she consider meditation or mindfulness? I was a huge sceptic until I tried it and I do find it useful.
Finally, try to take this advice yourself – walking,drinking water, avoiding alcohol etc etc. The balance app is free for the first year and has a huge variety of guided meditations. It is very difficult holding it all together when your spouse is struggling, and you need to ensure you take care of yourself too.
I’ve found some resources that may be helpful:
https://essexwellbeingservice.co.uk/support/mental-health-and-emotional-support/
https://www.eput.nhs.uk
https://www.midandsouthessex.ics.nhs.uk/work/mental-health/
https://www.therapyforyou.co.uk
https://essexworkingwell.co.uk/latest-news-from-essex-working-well/mental-health-support-directory/
You said everything I would have suggested (make sure she and the kid eat. Help with chores) I’ve heard of an “occupational Therepist” I’ve not seen one but they would probably have recourses for you guys. Maybe shes not meant to be HR? I imagine that is a stressful job that would lead you to feel how she does-she spent all that time dealing with people who let others down in some way or teaching them not to! I can see that affecting her. Best of luck! Time will tell 🍀
A religious vegan? Yikes
Can you talk to her pastor, priest, however is in charge of the church she goes to? Maybe if he says the things you tell her, she will listen. If possible, maybe tell her to not look for jobs, just focus on health and the kid.
Other idea: say all this in a letter. It may hit if she reads it. Better if handwritten
You could just remind her that you are here for her, you won’t leave her side and that life is all up and downs and currently at the bottom between two mountains and that it does get better.
Reminding her of this stuff will give her confidence and reassurance.
Coming from the point of view of a sick , severely depressed, self blaming individual here…. You are doing the good stuff. For me, sometimes the ONLY thing that keeps me going sometimes is my husband consistently and calmly telling me it’s ok. He tells me it’s ok and it’s not my fault.. he knows I am sick, and even though he can’t see the disease, he doesn’t lose his patience with me..
My wife was having similar issues and discovered the source to be a dietary supplement, DHEA. She discontinued it and her symptoms subsided.
As for the other issues, she is in a learning and growth phase. The best thing we can do for someone in that place is to show up with love and support in service to that relationship.
Remind her that you’re a unit. When one falters, the other braces. That when (not if) she gets her bearings, you will need to lean a bit too. Kids that young can be very compassionate. More laughs & hugs all around.
I’m no doctor, and neither am I a nutritionist.
However, regardless of her health issues, balanced diet meals especially those rich in legumes, vegetables, fruits, poultry, fish, healthy fats from (olive oil, cheese, tuna etc), including grains such as rice and oats is ideal. Mediterranean type of diet is effective for both preventative and nursing illnesses.
Moreover, daily exercise (cycling and walking before none for Vitamin D) will boost her energy and help her with some feel-good hormones.
Also, I’m a believer myself, and I know God doesn’t want us to suffer in vain. He provides a way through every trial so that we can become wiser and stronger. Tell her not to lose her faith, but she must have a plan. According to James, Faith without work is dead.
Tell her to focus all her thoughts on a beautiful imagination of a suitable future at all times. This imagination will help her gather her thought frequency towards finding ideas that will help her with solutions to her job search.
I hope you guys find light at the end of this tunnel.
I’m no therapist, but I’m available if you guys need someone unconventional to talk to.
You’ve shown good empathy and courage to ask good questions. You don’t give context to your wife’s job loss. That you’re a teacher and can see your wife’s struggles is awesome. Cuddles and positive affirmations will do wonders too.
At this stage, your wife has multiple unwellnesses and dysfunctions. There are many levels to reflect upon: physical, emotional, and spiritual discomfort. The physical trauma of having a baby and suffering unwelness four years ago seems to have been unresolved, and things have spiraled poorly since.
Can your wife join a ‘ladies group’ (church, young mums, craft or hobby group)? She needs to find ‘her tribe’ within some like-minded people. Is there a gym, fitness club, or walking group where she can experience wellness success?
Rather than focus on the job hunting (which may aggravate negative thoughts/PPD, your wife needs to find purpose and joy in life without working. Is helping at a preschool, a church group, or a charity (op shop?) able to help her build her stamina and good spirits?
It sounds like you are doing everything that you can. It sounds like she needs therapy and to go back to the doctor and maybe get a full work up
Her religion is hampering her ability to move forward. Obviously praying does nothing.
She must realize that she is the only one who will find a job through actions not prayers.
She is solely responsible for personal motivation to maintain a healthy relationship at work & home.
I’m not going to lie to you – I’ve known many vegans during my long life and a few of them were sick from veganism and not getting enough essential vitamins and nutrients from a plant based diet alone. Vitamin B deficiency can wreck your nervous system. Please have her return to the doctor with a comprehensive bloodwork panel done and get her checked.
You don’t have to be a vegan to avoid processed food. Is she getting adequate nutrition? You can help her by using the app My fitness pal together and finding out if you both are meeting your protein goals. She can drink an Orgain (milk free kind) protein drink everyday and probably increase her energy level.
Has she had a mental health diagnosis of any kind? Depression can cause some of her symptoms. And some women experience PPD for more than just a few months after giving birth. Her Dr should be aware that she’s decided to go vegan as well. If her conversion of veganism isn’t properly managed, she could be deficient in certain vitamins & minerals needed to stay healthy. My daughter has a friend whose whole family is vegan and the friend has to take iron supplements because her vegan diet doesn’t provide her with enough iron on its own And it causes her to experience exhaustion when she’s low on iron.