I (41 F) have been dating a guy (46 M) for several years. Last year we took a break for about 6 months. In that time I did not date anyone else (he did) , but was working with someone who showed unreciprocated interest in me. This coworker was moving to another state and asked if I wanted to adopt his cat for my kids, and I jumped at the chance. We’d always wanted a cat and it just seemed like a great opportunity. I lost contact with this coworker pretty quickly after he moved.
My relationship with my boyfriend is really great, but recently he told me he hates the cat because it came from a guy who was using it to try and sleep with me. He said he didn’t want to even feed the cat when I’m gone, as it just reminds him of this other guy. It’s just a cat, and I literally never think of the coworker who gave him to me. I told him I’d never get rid of the cat to make him feel comfortable. Not just because of the cat, but because I won’t be in a relationship where I have to prove my love by unnecessary sacrifice or pain. He said I’m choosing a cat over him. Am I the asshole for thinking this whole thing is stupid and weirdly childish?
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I (41 F) have been dating a guy (46 M) for several years. Last year we took a break for about 6 months. In that time I did not date anyone else (he did) , but was working with someone who showed unreciprocated interest in me. This coworker was moving to another state and asked if I wanted to adopt his cat for my kids, and I jumped at the chance. We’d always wanted a cat and it just seemed like a great opportunity. I lost contact with this coworker pretty quickly after he moved.
My relationship with my boyfriend is really great, but recently he told me he hates the cat because it came from a guy who was using it to try and sleep with me. He said he didn’t want to even feed the cat when I’m gone, as it just reminds him of this other guy. It’s just a cat, and I literally never think of the coworker who gave him to me. I told him I’d never get rid of the cat to make him feel comfortable. Not just because of the cat, but because I won’t be in a relationship where I have to prove my love by unnecessary sacrifice or pain. He said I’m choosing a cat over him. Am I the asshole for thinking this whole thing is stupid and weirdly childish?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my boyfriend I don’t want to get rid of my cat because another man gave him to me and it makes me boyfriend jealous. I might be the asshole for making my boyfriend feel like I’m choosing a cat over him
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Keep the cat. Lose the guy.
NTA. girl LEAVE HIM. this is manipulative behavior starting to form, your coworker wasn’t trying to sleep with you, this guy reeks of insecurity. this is just the beginning. give into this and he will constrict you even more
Tell him you don’t have enough duct tape to deal with his fragile masculinity. The cat stays–it belongs to your children.
Edit: NTA
That cat has loved you loyally. Which is more than your bf has done.
>“He said I’m choosing a cat over him.”
You sure are! And it’s the right call. Keep the cat, dump the man. NTA
Don’t be surprised if you cat disappears or is injured or even if it somehow gets killed.
In case you can’t see them let me help you → 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA. The cat sounds better than the guy! Guy wouldn’t even feed it if needed?! He’s 46! Children aged 4-6 wouldn’t even be like that.
I think you should actually choose the cat over him.
Seems like this thing has run its course.
The problem.with the cat is his problem so let him go.
NTA
The cat was the prize all along.
If he’s willing to even think about abusing (starving) a cat you got from another man, then how the hell can you ever trust him to be alone with your kids (assuming they came from a previous relationship).
Regardless, he is a danger to that cat if you keep him (the man) around, and the cat deserves better than that. Don’t let him convince you you’re “overreacting” or that it was “just an offhand comment”.
When people tell you who they are, believe them. The first time.
ETA: in case the take-home point here wasn’t clear –> keep the cat, dump the guy. Yesterday.
NTA – you’re not even in contact with the guy who gave you the cat. He is being irrational and jealous.
Nta 🚩 not enough reason to kick the cat. But you can kick the man.
Nta. Your bf is nearly 50 years old, tell him to man up and stop acting like a little ish. Its a cat for god sakes.
nta
NTA. Purrfectly acceptable to define and firm and reasonable boundary here. I am biased and would have picked the cat anyway, but you had a very healthy way of framing that boundary: I won’t be in a relationship where I have to prove my love by unnecessary sacrifice or pain.
He can choose how he wants to use that information, but you’re not choosing anything.
NTA. If he is that jealous of a cat he is not good BF material.
Reads the part back to yourself where the 46 year old man can’t make himself feed a cat because the previous owner may have wanted to sleep with you.
Read it over and over until it really hits you how children, manipulative, and absurd it is. Then realize how twisted it is to refuse an animal FOOD because of it and convince yourself to love yourself more than putting up with this.
NTA. The guy is trying to control you. Don’t fall for it. He’s shown you who he is, believe him.
So you adopted the cat during a time period when he was fucking other people, and he feels threatened by the cat?
NTA. Keep the cat and tell the guy to sod off.
NTA
He’s trying to see if he can get you to compromise yourself and your kids for him. (it will only continue to get worse if you capitulate)
Keep the kitty, dump the man sized child.
He doesn’t want to feed the cat, because it reminds him of someone who wanted to sleep with you.
How about your kids? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure someone did sleep with you…
NTA
NTA. cats>people the majority of the time (mostly joking. mostly), but definitely in this case. your bf sounds like a dick. keep the cat, if he’s got an issue with it he can go. you love that cat, i’m sure your kids do too
NTA. I chose my cat over a toxic girlfriend once and I have literally never regretted it. I love my cat and he loves me. Choose the cat! Your boyfriend honestly sounds like a jealous loser.
This guy is a control freak. Next he’ll stop u innocently going out with male collegues or talking to a man serving you in a shop. Dump him. The guy is a nutcase. Neither the cat or your kids deserve to suffer at his hands. NTA. Dump him now.Keep the cat.
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Nta, keep the cat, return the man to the wild.
NTA
Choose the cat.
NTA. Get rid of the bf not the cat.
NTA “I will abuse this cat if you’re not around because it used to belong to someone who found you attractive”
NTA. Your logic is sound. Stick to your instincts.
HTA.
Boyfriends are a dime a dozen.
Cat friends are worth the effort.
If you disbelieve, cross post to r/cats
When there is an ultimatum involving animals, always choose the animal.
This is almost as ridiculous as that one dude who wanted his girlfriend to get rid of all her lingerie/underwear because someone else already seen her in it.
Wow I love this line: “I won’t be in a relationship where I have to prove my love by unnecessary sacrifice or pain”
Please don’t leave him alone with the cat. I guarantee the cat will accidently get out when he’s alone with it. Not sure what about this guy is so great. He hates the cat cause he thinks the guy wanted to have sex with you while he was actively out seeing one or more other people. And when the other person, people or he got it out of his system he comes back and acts like you should up end your kids by getting rid of their cat because he’s returned like he’s the end all be all of your life. Did I miss anything?
NTA, choose the cat and send your boyfriend on his way.
His request was so silly it’s beyond belief.
NTA
“If you choose to see it that way, that’s your choice. I see it as you being immature, petty, and controlling.”
NTA…unless you get rid of the cat.
I really want you to understand this…you are in a relationship…with a grown man…who is jealous of a cat. Keep repeating this until you understand the ridiculousness of his whining. Then dump him. Then he will be the guy who got dumped over his jealousy of a cat.
So this guy is willing to abuse an animal to act out his jealousy. That’s awful in and of itself, but it makes you wonder, what else might he be willing to harm out of jealousy? What about other emotions – anger, frustration, disappointment? Will he abuse innocents because of them, too?
And that’s without even getting into the fact that he wants to control your behavior that is completely innocent (having a cat) to appease his jealousy. That’s abusive thinking there, and abusive thinking rarely stops at thinking.
NTA.
> He said I’m choosing a cat over him.
No. He’s choosing to try and control you with a cat.
Does he also want you to abandon your children because they remind him of another man?
Huge red flag.
NTA, no man worth sacrificing a cat over
NTA
Tell him “yes, I’m choosing the cat over you. Thanks for making it an easy decision”
NTA
This guy sucks. Why would you want to be someone who would punish an innocent animal because of who provided the animal to you? That’s ridiculous. The fact that he even says that to you is a huge red flag. Dump his ass, enjoy the cat, and thank the cat for showing you how truly awful this guy is.
NTA, your family is attached to this pet, and it would be traumatizing to lose it for a petty reason. Dump the BF and keep the cat.
NTA
This kind of ridiculous jealousy isn’t normal.
Please ditch the boyfriend.
NTA, what a stupid reason! Regardless of the situation, a cat is always the better choice over a man that hates it.
NTA. Cat stays. BF out. Besides, I upset the coworker wouldn’t take the cat with him while moving to a different state. Cats are part of the family. I can’t imagine the trauma of being given to a new family and after you adapt having to deal with the threat of the boyfriend abusing the cat when you are gone. Please do not ever leave the cat with your boyfriend. If you travel, please make sure to find care for the cat. The boyfriend will never treat them right. He sounds pretty petty. And please continue loving this cat and giving him lots of love. He went through enough, and enough is enough. I’m glad you kept him.
You’re not “choosing the cat over him”. He’s choosing to break up with you if you don’t dump the cat. That’s totally his choice.
The cat will always love you unconditionally because you’re there for him.
You need to get rid of the insecure middle-aged baby.
He’d put your cat at risk to manipulate you ibto getting rid of somebody you love just because he sees them as an ex thing.
If you give in, it will never end and he will just continue to make you smaller so he feels better. If you don’t, the tantrums will get worse and he might actually do something to the cat, open the wrong door or purpose.
This is over the top jealousy. I would g be surprised if it turns into dangerous jealousy. Get out now and don’t look back.
Keep the cat.
NTA he’s yuck
Next, it could be your kids because they are the result of you having sex with someone else.
He just doesn’t like cats and is pushing his boundaries.
Nta. Please watch out for the cat’s safety. He may try to do something to/with it. Get rid of him before he gets rid of the cat.
NTA- girl. He already broke up with you once to date someone else. You’re not a high priority to him. Ditch this loser, and keep the cat.
NTA. Cat > weird dude jealous of a cat
Dump the loser and buy kitty some nice treats.
Your boyfriend is an idiot and needs to grow the f*ck up. NTA the cat is innocent and a responsibility you assumed voluntarily.
your 46 year old boyfriend is behaving like a child and trying to use an innocent animal as a means to control and manipulate you – none of which is okay.
keep the cat, ditch the boyfriend.
NTA
NTA. Choose the cat, this guy sounds super-insecure and you’re not his therapist. We all know cats are AHs, but at least they’re cute, fuzzy, and will usually cuddle with you.
“No I’m choosing my children’s happiness over your insecurity.”
NTA he doesn’t sound like he cares about you that much.
Its never a choice.
Its just always the cat.
Makes me think of the meme I saw where it goes “my husband doesn’t like my cat, so I killed him” makes you think theu killed the cat, shuffles in the husband’s dead body
NTA. No you’re not choosing a cat over him, he’s fixating a cat over you. It’s an innocent animal. Hell, he doesn’t even realize that if you wanted to boink your coworker you would have, but you didn’t, while he went out and dated other people. This guy sounds like a prize.
NTA. What a thing to try and choose to control. You split from him once. Look back at that and remember why. Maybe it was for the best.
Good luck to you and the kitty!
NTA. If anything this was a good test to show you how much of a jealous, insecure and controlling person this man is. Fly away op. Fly away.