My fiancé and I are holding a mini wedding in a couple of months. I wanted to do a courthouse union but agreed to do a mini ceremony with immediate family. Fiance immediate family is just his mom as his dad passed several years ago. We agreed he will also bring one of his aunts and uncles as well so it’s a bit more balanced with my family. His mom initially agreed but now she’s going back and saying she’ll just come by herself since she would rather invite all her multiple sisters or none at all. I really don’t want this as I barely know his aunts and they are all very huge personalities. Fiancé doesn’t want it to be just his mom and has been very sensitive and passive aggressive about this whole thing too. She is comparing us to what her sisters kids did for their weddings. Later on MIL guilt tripped me for doing things my way and called me selfish. I’m shocked and shaken. She also went off on me for not wanting to do a formal wedding and doing something so small- AITA? What do I do? I’m torn between caving in or just calling it off. There’s so much more but this was a breaking point for me.
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I think you’re allowed to be selfish on YOUR wedding day . Do what makes you and FH happy as you need to draw a line in the sand with her at some point.
FMiL has had her wedding day, if she isn’t happy with your decisions, she doesn’t have be there.
Just elope. If you guys give into her now you’ll give into her forever. Set the boundaries now.
Have the mini ceremony, invite the mom.
You said FH doesn’t want it to just be his mom- so you probably need to let him weigh in on what he wants. But what he actually wants, not what mil is whispering in his ear.
I’m curious as to why his mother watching her son get married with all of her sisters there too is important? Genuinely, what is her reasoning here? I suspect she is trying to find a way to be relevant, important, steal some of the spotlight, make her son choose her instead of you in some way on the day he is professing his commitment to you and I would ask your fiancé if he has considered that possibility. He will likely deny that she would ever do anything to hurt him and get angry with you.
Have you considered eloping several weeks before the mini ceremony? Just you and fiancé doing a courthouse ceremony and going out for a special dinner? Then do the mini ceremony with extended family? Would he be willing to do that in order to have the private wedding that you want?
Be sure to wait until the end of the day to let it “slip” that you and husband have been married for a few weeks. Or if you play the long game, wait until next year to mention celebrating your anniversary on the elopement date 😂
I think what your MIL wants isn’t very important (though to be honest, her request doesn’t sound entirely unreasonable), but what your fiancé wants is extremely important. If he wants his aunts or uncles there, he should get to have his aunts and uncles. If he just wants one or a couple of them, he should communicate that to them directly instead of running it through his mom. You don’t mention how big your family is, but it probably feels pretty lonely for him to only have one person there for him.
Just elope. Go to the courthouse and get married. Do a reception later, but get it over and done before she invites them, and you are stuck
I would postpone, honestly. You already compromised to do a mini ceremony and your MIL is calling you selfish. Your future- husband needs to explain to you what HE wants without his mom being involved in the decision making. It’s not selfish, it’s just not about her? And the fact that your SO sounds like he’s considering his mom’s feelings more than anything else is a red flag… did he want to invite his aunts before his mom decided she was too uncomfortable?
That is so beyond the pale. It’s none of her business and your wedding is YOUR wedding. I don’t even see why she would need to have all these people there that you barely know. I would just be like sorry, it’s an intimate ceremony! 🤷🏻♀️ Crazy MILs are the real bridezillas I swear.
My MIL is obsessed with wedding traditions too. My SIL had one recently that was very traditional and huge and she still had major complaints and changed lots of things last minute herself (like changing the song that played while the bride walked down the aisle, who the ring bearer was, saying her son’s step kids shouldn’t ask him to adopt them in front of everyone because it’s “trashy”, demanding special pictures with her because she’s the MoThEr Of ThE gRoOm”). She’s always saying we’re the last ones who can do it right and get married before we have kids. I can’t wait for her reaction when we get married at a courthouse on vacation, me in a black dress, and go on honeymoon. Lol!
Wow. She’s…..a lot. Ever notice that it’s the selfish people who usually call other people selfish?
Lucky you. You just got a glimpse of how your future life will look. Not many of us are that fortunate. Take a poll among this Reddit community and see how many of us would not have married into the family we did if we could have seen this behavior prior to our marriage. You are seeing up close and personal what your life with your future ILs will look like. It will be hell on earth. Please take advantage of this glimpse and do the right thing for yourself and your future.
Edit: Added “be”
… since she would rather invite all her sisters… That’s the problem right there. It’s your and your fiancee’s wedding and you can invite whoever the hell you want! I’d ignore her and do what you want to do.
As a point of clarification is it your MIL or fiance being passive aggressive and sensitive?
Oh this sounds quite like my experience. MIL and FIL thought we would have a larger wedding as “it’s not our wedding, it’s a family wedding”, so they invited family members on their side. After then sending us a list of additional guests they would like to invite, we told them we were having an intimate wedding with parents and siblings only. We were called selfish and my husband apparently does not have the same family values etc. We were then the bad guys because they had to uninvite people that we didn’t even discuss!
We had a really tough time with multiple arguments, tears and on/off no contact for a few months. It was so emotionally draining. However, I’m glad we stuck to our guns and did the wedding our way. They learnt to get over it but it’s still brought up every now and then even 1+ year after the wedding. We decided in that moment that we are not going to be push overs or people pleasers anymore. They were honestly still lucky to get the invite.
Yes you are selfish for wanting your wedding to be about you, I honestly can’t work out how they jump to these conclusions.
You say fiancé is passive aggressive about it, does fiancé want a big wedding and not know how to broach the subject with you? Or was fiancé all for a small wedding but needling and complaints from their mother made them change their mind?
I would ask fiancé who they are marrying. Is it you or their mother? Then ask them to justify why their mother’s comfort and desires are more important than yours on your wedding day. At the end of the day, a wedding is about the two of you, so both of your wants should be taken into consideration. But no one else’s.
You have a mil issue because you have a spouse who seems to be caving to their mothers wants.
Selfish? Well I would hope so! It’s your wedding. Let her come alone if that’s what she decides to do. Your wedding day should be about you and your fiancé not about what anyone else wants.
Elope—just the two of you. No favoritism shown to either family if you get married this way.
Your MIL is out if line. Your fiance should talk to his mother and tell her that if she can’t keep her thoughts to herself and she doesn’t stop the name- calling, she will not be attending the wedding. Set firm boundaries with her and uphold them.
You have a fiancé problem in that he’s putting his mother before you. That’s not a good sign for a successful marriage. Until he figures out that you’re supposed to come first in his life, don’t marry this guy.
You didn’t go into how your fiancé feels about his other aunts attending or how many people from your side will be there. How imbalanced is it going to be that few more people will make a difference? Also just because you don’t know them well doesn’t mean your fiancé doesn’t. Too much missing information for me to make a call.
If your Fiancé does not have your back, do NOT get married. Full stop, extra !!!. You want one thing, and he wants what his mom wants. This will never stop.
Put the wedding on hold until you can work this out. You say that you wanted a courthouse ceremony initially, but what did your fiancé want because you haven’t really talked about what he wants.
If this is a financial issue, then tell his mother you’re willing to have the wedding she is willing to pay for as long as you and your fiancé have full control.
If your fiancé initially agreed to a small wedding, but now he’s throwing you under the bus, you need to think carefully before moving forward . What you’re seeing now is a preview of what’s to come.
If you two can’t agree on what size the wedding will be, you two should not get married.
The fact that fiance is not backing you up here is a major red flag. Do not marry this person until you are on the same page with mIL.
Tell her if you were selfish, you would have eloped.
>Fiancé doesn’t want it to be just his mom and has been very sensitive and passive aggressive about this whole thing too.
Your fiancé’s mother is completely unreasonable, but you can’t fix this without his complete support.
Without his support, it’ll never end.
She’s had her wedding, now she wants to have yours. It’ll be the same if you want to buy a house or decorate one; get pregnant, raise children, buy a car, go on vacation, have a party, celebrate holidays, on and on.
Is this how you want to spend your life, with your husband passive-aggressively supporting his mother instead of his wife?
Fiance hasn’t got your back, call it off.
Call it off. I will give this time.
This is not your MIL wedding – tell your fiancé that.
MIL initially agreed now she’s throwing her weight around because is not what SHE wants.
Your fiance now doesn’t want to tell her mum now, because he wants to make her feel nice about her dreams.
I’d call it off.
If he can’t support you now when you’re not even if his wife yet, then he never will.
He’s already punishing you for not prioritising his mother’s wants for YOUR wedding – being all passive aggressive and shit.
I have crap like that. Either say what you feel or STFU.