I’m not sure if this is the right place to share this, but I really need others advice and perspective. I’ve been in an on-and-off relationship with my boyfriend (35) for the past 3 years. He’s an alcoholic, and I honestly don’t know how to help him anymore.
He lies about his drinking, and it’s caused serious damage to our relationship. We used to live together, but I had to move out because of how bad it got. He’s had three DUIs, and no matter how many times he promises to change, nothing ever actually changes.
He’s been through a lot, he lost his mom at a young age, and his dad hasn’t been in his life for years. He doesn’t really have anyone else. That’s part of what makes this so hard. Every time I try to walk away, he threatens to kill himself. And I’m terrified that if I leave, he’ll actually do it… and I won’t be able to live with that guilt.
I feel stuck. I want to help him, but I’m losing myself in the process. I don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore.
Comments
Consider seeking professional help for him and prioritizing your own well-being first.
Okay, so first off, you’re not even remotely in the wrong, and a man threatening to kill himself is a manipulation technique. That’s not on you. Are you safe, do you have your own place to sleep away from him?
there is an herb called kava that can help some alcoholics.
I’m currently dealing with this with my best friend. He just got out of rehab and has already started to get on dating sites after him and his bf just broke up. And asking his potential hookups for booze. He was called out, yet continues to lie. Ugh. It’s so frustrating. But no matter how much we plead, cry, kick and scream, they will be the ones to ultimately do the work. You have to create the boundaries for yourself, and you can’t force it on him, or do the work for him. Until they hit THEIR rock bottom. Nothing changes. I’m sorry you’re going through this too. ); nothing is harder than loving an addict.
He’s basically blackmailing you because he knows it works, it’s delicate to address. Your life and well-being must come before his, if he ever did anything, that’s on him, not you, remember that. He’s dragging you down wasting his life and your own.
If he doesn’t attempt quitting alcohol himself or have strong reasons, this pattern continues in a loop. Be fair, be caring, but stand your ground when it comes to your own life.
Full disclosure: I’ve been sober for more than 26 years.
You can’t help him; only he can do that. Unless and until he decides on his own that he wants to quit and live sober, it won’t happen.
Prioritize your own well-being.
Are you gonna go down with the ship? Because the ship is going down.
If you jump ship, you’ll mourn the loss. But eventually heal and go on.
The listing ship aka the alcoholic boyfriend may against all odds right itself. Or not. Either way, you’d be back on solid ground. Whatever happens to him isn’t your problem.
As for him having a hard life…. welcome to the club, bud. There’s NOTHING unique or even very unusual about tragic circumstances. Everybody’s going through something. Not everybody drinks themselves into oblivion to cope.
You’re not responsible for saving him, especially at the cost of your own well-being. His addiction, his lies, and his threats aren’t yours to carry. If he’s truly suicidal, he needs professional help, not a relationship as a lifeline
He’s manipulating you. I can’t imagine a grown man (anyone for that matter) saying they will kill themselves to get the other person to stay with them. That’s just wrong.
I have some experience with people with addictions. They will change ONLY if they want to change. Nothing else matters. If they don’t want the change nothing can force it.
He’s dragging you down with him. Even if he does something to himself – it’s not your fault or your responsibility. What’s next? Later he will say “I’ll kill myself if you do/don’t do x”. It will keep escalating because they have control over you.
As others have mentioned – prioritize your health and well being first and foremost.
It’s time for you to make a choice. Get out of this situation… the sooner the better.
It sounds like he needs a life coach more than a girlfriend right now! That’s not just a bad habit; that’s practically a hobby! Just remember, you can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed. You deserve better than being his emotional handyman!
You should try to get pregnant. First look at the new baby and he will change overnight.
Our story is very similar. I dated a functioning alcoholic when I was 21 and he was 23. His mom is schizophrenic and left him at 12 yrs old and his dad got sent to prison for molesting his own daughter so neither of them were in his life. He would always threaten to kill himself whenever I’d try to leave. This is all a manipulation tactic. So I stayed for 5 years trying to change him for the better and he never did. One day he came home drunk and strangled me in my sleep. I left and never looked back. I suggest you do the same.
Love