I (50F) and my husband (48M) have a daughter, Danica (21F), who has been extremely independent her whole life. Danica began working when she was 15, and now she works part-time for a large corporation while pursuing her studies. We are extremely proud of her and how hard she has worked. We generally allow her to manage her own finances, and she insists on contributing monthly to family expenses with the money she earns. Danica occasionally likes to make pricier purchases, which I do not have any concern over, as I think they are sensible financial choices. Like last year, she decided to purchase the newest MacBook as her old laptop was on its last leg, and she wanted something reliable and long-lasting or when she bought a Marc Jacobs bag for work and university.
We recently went on a family trip with my brother and his family, who have two kids of their own, Tammy (20F) and Nick (23M). His kids and Danica aren’t exactly close, but they get along fine for the most part. I know that Tammy and Nick do not have any source of income besides my brother and have not worked a day in their life. During the trip, Danica would occasionally pay for the 3 of them for small things like drinks or food. When we were shopping, Danica bought a few items for herself and picked up gifts she wanted to bring back to her friends. During dinner that night, my sister-in-law (brother’s wife) told my husband and me that we were spoiling Danica too much with her purchases. We explained that Danica earned her own money, and every cent came from her job. Sister-in-law then proceeded to point and tell Danica that if that was the case, she shouldn’t be flaunting her purchases and items in front of her cousins, who don’t have a ‘cushy little office job’ and parents who ‘spoiled her into the person she is’. Danica apologised politely, saying that she didn’t mean to flaunt her things, but I could tell that she was upset and embarrassed. My husband stood up and shot back, saying that Danica shouldn’t have to apologise for her own hard work. I also pointed out that Danica has been financially independent since she was 15 and that we’ve always done our best not to spoil her. Sister in Law then proceeded to tell us that we weren’t teaching her how to manage her finances correctly and that all this money had turned her into a little ‘brat’. Danica excused herself to the bathroom and texted that she had gone back to the hotel. We had a tense back and forth for the rest of the dinner, and we came back to finding Danica crying in her hotel room. I call my brother, hoping that he is able to talk to his wife, but he explained that for the past few days, Tammy had been crying to her parents about not having what Danica had. She had been whining to her mum that she wanted the newest MacBook, as well, but she refused to get it for her.
Myself, Danica and my Husband have been getting calls from the rest of the family, some calling us A-holes and some who were willing to hear us out and understand where we were coming from. So AITA?
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I (50F) and my husband (48M) have a daughter, Danica (21F), who has been extremely independent her whole life. Danica began working when she was 15, and now she works part-time for a large corporation while pursuing her studies. We are extremely proud of her and how hard she has worked. We generally allow her to manage her own finances, and she insists on contributing monthly to family expenses with the money she earns. Danica occasionally likes to make pricier purchases, which I do not have any concern over, as I think they are sensible financial choices. Like last year, she decided to purchase the newest MacBook as her old laptop was on its last leg, and she wanted something reliable and long-lasting or when she bought a Marc Jacobs bag for work and university.
We recently went on a family trip with my brother and his family, who have two kids of their own, Tammy (20F) and Nick (23M). His kids and Danica aren’t exactly close, but they get along fine for the most part. I know that Tammy and Nick do not have any source of income besides my brother and have not worked a day in their life. During the trip, Danica would occasionally pay for the 3 of them for small things like drinks or food. When we were shopping, Danica bought a few items for herself and picked up gifts she wanted to bring back to her friends. During dinner that night, my sister-in-law (brother’s wife) told my husband and me that we were spoiling Danica too much with her purchases. We explained that Danica earned her own money, and every cent came from her job. Sister-in-law then proceeded to point and tell Danica that if that was the case, she shouldn’t be flaunting her purchases and items in front of her cousins, who don’t have a ‘cushy little office job’ and parents who ‘spoiled her into the person she is’. Danica apologised politely, saying that she didn’t mean to flaunt her things, but I could tell that she was upset and embarrassed. My husband stood up and shot back, saying that Danica shouldn’t have to apologise for her own hard work. I also pointed out that Danica has been financially independent since she was 15 and that we’ve always done our best not to spoil her. Sister in Law then proceeded to tell us that we weren’t teaching her how to manage her finances correctly and that all this money had turned her into a little ‘brat’. Danica excused herself to the bathroom and texted that she had gone back to the hotel. We had a tense back and forth for the rest of the dinner, and we came back to finding Danica crying in her hotel room. I call my brother, hoping that he is able to talk to his wife, but he explained that for the past few days, Tammy had been crying to her parents about not having what Danica had. She had been whining to her mum that she wanted the newest MacBook, as well, but she refused to get it for her.
Myself, Danica and my Husband have been getting calls from the rest of the family, some calling us A-holes and some who were willing to hear us out and understand where we were coming from. So AITA?
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> I am concerned that I may the asshole for not taking into consideration that my brother’s kids do not work and don’t have the same income as my daughter
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You’re not letting her do anything, she’s an adult with a job who spends money, like most adults. Tell your family member to stick it where the sun don’t shine and grow up. NTA, obviously.
So two grown adults complain to their parents about what a third grown adult has bought with her own money? Do they not realise how pathetic that sounds? NTA, your daughter has done nothing wrong.
NTA. Your daughter earned every penny & is entitled to spend that money on whatever she wants. Your sister in-law needs to teach her children to manage their jealousy & maybe earn their own money too.
Tammy can go and get herself a damn job if she wants what Danica has – and she can apologise to Danica while she’s at it – in fact I’d let your brother know you won’t be speaking to them again until that happens.
Protect your daughter
NTA. All of these people are adults. Sure, maybe it might be viewed as spoiling your child since you aren’t charging for rent or other costs of living. But that’s how your family functions and that’s fine. This story sounds strange to me because I would have assumed the conflict is between preteens or teenagers, not adults.
You posted the same content rubbish last year, but from the other perspective. Stop making shit up.
rich that your daughter is being called the brat when it’s your niece who is being a brat. entitled brat wants nice things? she can work for it herself. NTA
NTA-not yours or Danica’s problem if they are jealous. If anyone is a brat it is your SIL for mocking your daughter’s hard work and being able to afford the things she has. Sounds like your BIL and SIL have raised lazy children who expect to have things handed to them.
If your family has issues with it to bad. Tell Danica to be proud of what she has achieved. I would cut off the SIL until she apologizes and gets her act together.
Nice job on raising a wonderful daughter and productive member of society!!
ABSOLUTELY NTA, and I can’t believe others in the family are siding with your A relatives
Nta. Put some boundaries with those family members. Me and my husband wouldn’t put up with this shit. Your daughter needs to be protected. She’s a wonderful thoughtful young lady. Their lack of finance is not her problem. They need to apologies to her, especially the aunt. She should blames herself for her incapability to provide extra things for her daughter or for them not letting their kids have financial independence by getting a job.
An adult attacking a teenager shows she’s not at all an adult.
NTA, although I find your choice of language a bit odd. I don’t understand what you mean by “letting” or “allowing” your daughter to do things with her money. She’s 21, an adult, you don’t get a say in it? But because of that, it’s also obviously not your responsibility how she presents or uses her money, and there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with how she used it, so yeah, NTA.
NTA Your daughter is highly independent and deserves every bit of what she buys. She’s smart, resourceful, honestly what every parent wants their child to be. Your sister in law is just jealous of her success and that her children are not like that at all….which is unfortunately her fault due to the way she raised her kids.
Not only that but if her kids are asking for a MacBook and she does not want to buy it for them but wants them to earn it she should tell them to seek out their own job to work hard at what they want to acquire. They are 20 and 23 years old 🫢.
what is Tammy crying about like okay get a job then girl! did she expect Danica to work all week and not spend the money she earned from working?? some people have a gift for being so stupid
NTA. I’m trying to figure out a nice way to say this, but if their kids can’t handle seeing someone with a MacBook and a Marc Jacobs bag, which are nice items and not cheap, but also not exactly ridiculously expensive, they’re going to have a hard road ahead. A MacBook is something that can last for a pretty long time. Same with a Marc Jacobs bag. Plus it’s possible to buy both used or on sale. Or both. Nothing you’ve said makes it seem like she’s really “flaunting” her money or even engaging in over the top consumerism. And even if she was, she’s an adult and that’s her business. It’s not your place to control her. If anything, she’s teaching them a lesson they should have learned years ago: If they want more disposable income than their parents provide, they need to get a job.
A 20 year old crying to her parents about what she doesn’t have. A 21 year old having financial independence and purchasing her own belongings.
I think we all know who the “little brat” is in this scenario.
Please don’t subject your daughter to their emotional abuse anymore. She shouldn’t be forced to vacation, or hang out, with people who talk so poorly about her to her face and behind her back.
Your brother’s wife is a jealous bully.
Danica has every right to spend her own money on what she wishes. She should be congratulated for doing so well for herself at an early age.
The only criticism I have of you is talking about “allowing” or “letting” Danica do things.
Danica is an adult. It is not your decision any more.
But definitely in this conflict NTA.
Its a wonderful script/story, not that believable or relatable but keep submitting it to alternate places.
NTJ. There’s nothing you can do about the jealousy of others. It is what it is, unfortunately.
Absolutely 100% NTA! I’m proud of your daughter and the both of you as parents. Sounds like SIL is a jealous little beech who taught her kids nothing about life.
NTA
You’re probably wondering if you’ve given your daughter the right advice to protect herself against jealous and small-minded people, and it’s really hard when those people are related to you by blood, because obviously the truth is that Tammy is the spoiled brat and that Danica should ignore her and her mom, but you can’t exactly tell your daughter that her cousin and aunt are garbage people.
Obviously you’ve talked to your daughter already, but for anyone else in a similar situation, I think the key is to teach your daughter to develop a thicker skin, bc she will encounter other Tammies in life (albeit not related to her). “Tammy feels bad that she doesn’t have your accomplishments, and she focuses on the material indicators because that’s how success is often signaled to the rest of the world. The sad truth is, she’s not the only person like that. Some people get really hung up about having nice things and may resent you for having them. But that doesn’t mean you have to hide your successes either. It’s just information to help you navigate relationships with people like that. A worthwhile person will use their envy to motivate themselves to work harder. Be careful of the people who try to guilt you into giving you your nice things, because they are unwilling to put in the work and will expect you to do the work for them. They will also expect you to make yourself smaller for their sake. In this instance, they want you to hide your nice things and your successes, and that’s unfair to you.”
NTA at all. Yeah the things are pricey. But she paid for them herself. She shouldn’t be made to feel bad about the fact that others cannot afford it and get jealous.
NTA. Good that you had your daughter’s back in this, somw parents would have chosen to “keep the peace”. If theres still a trip, plan to visit places separately and they can do their own thing not being “flaunted on”
Is this even a real post??
NTA
NTA.. But your SIL and brother are massive ones. Great job on raising an independent, confident, responsible polite daughter. She sounds fabulous.
It sounds like your SIL should be looking in the mirror when she said those things. The brats are her entitled children who think they should have what a hardworking young woman paid for herself. Its also a real slap in the face she said all those things after your daughter paid for her kids to have fun. NTA. Never be ashamed of working hard and earning nice things.
If Tammy wants what Damica has tell her to get a job.
NTA. They’re being ridiculous 🙄. She works for her money and buys her own things – your niece is being an entitled little AH, and everyone siding with her is as well. She’s an adult and crying over Macbook. She’s wants it, she can go earn your own money and buy herself one.
Danica is 21, not a child. How she spends the money she earned is up to her. Her adult cousins, when they earn their own money, may also spend is as they wish. NTA.
NTA.
Went to Mexico with my cousins when I was 19. My cousin is an apple girlie who buys name brand stuff- but she worked for it! Our whole family consists of millworkers and lumberjacks – we celebrate when someone can treat themselves. Sure, I felt envy, but I knew where we came from and how people earned their goods.
Your daughter worked hard. Your SIL could have taught them about hard work and perseverance and patience but instead made it about herself.
Danica didn’t flaunt anything. She is guilty of nothing more than being financially astute and being generous towards her cousins.
If Tammy wants a new MacBook, she should get a job. Perhaps SIL feels bent out of shape that she hasn’t steered her children towards financial independence. Your brother needs to grow a spine and straighten his wife out, then brother and SIL should be apologising to Danica. Other family members who are jumping on the band waggon need to reel their necks in too. If they are so upset that your niece and nephew don’t have the same things as Danica, perhaps they should buy them and make the kids even more bratty.
SIL is a green eyed monster who got her knickers in a twist and is spreading her poison. Jealousy is an ugly thing.
Their daughter can go get a job too.
Huge nta. Big respect to you and your husband for raising such an independent and mature daughter.
The 20 year olds need jobs and to not whine so much. They are the brats
nTA – I’ll never understand how delusional family can be about money …. And what odd behaviors jealousy brings out in people
This is a clear case of envy.
Calling your daughter a brat because she works hard for the things she has is bullying.
The rest of your family needs told to mind their own business.
NTA. Post your answer to the family chat or FB if you’re petty like me. lol
And let bro know: since he has had the misfortune to have a snotty wife and has allowed her to raise 2 obnoxious entitled kids just like her, the next time y’all will vacation on your own. Life is too short to deal with idiots. Pffft
NTA. To the family members who chastise you for not babying your adult and financially sensible daughter, i suggest you reply as follows:
>It’s so touching to know you care about Tammy that much. I’m sure you won’t have a problem buying her a Macbook with that much concern. Should I tell Tammy, or will you?
NTA but your SIL is a huge AH, as well as your family members who are listening to a bully. It’s actually hard to imagine having a 20 and 23 yo who hasn’t worked a day in their lives.
YTA just for this:
>We generally allow her to manage her own finances, and she insists on contributing monthly to family expenses with the money she earns.
How nice of you to “allow” a fully grown adult to manage her own finances. But this seems to be a general problem in your family since your brother and his wife are of the same mindset. Tell them that they should tell their kids that they are adults now and if the want MacBooks and othr stuff they need to get jobs.
People who love the dark, hate the light. NTA. You daughter shouldn’t have to make herself seem smaller, so that others feel better.
NTA
to those who have an opinion, tell them to support your brothers kid.
She, your kid, and you raised her just fine.
(Ugh… brings back bad memories. Been there.)
Good luck!
> We generally allow her to manage her own finances,
She’s 21. Duh. YTA.
NTA. Tammy and Nick are old enough to get their own jobs and pay for things themselves.
NTA. My eldest daughter has a part-time job and saved up to buy herself a TV and a new phone. I will not have my child make herself small to make others feel better about their non-choices. It wasn’t an issue when she paid for her cousins meals/drinks. Her cousins should get jobs. They’re old enough to do so.
NTA your daughter is the exact opposite of spoiled. Tammy, on the other hand…
“whine, whine, whine, I want a MacBook” – who’s got the little brat now?!
You must be so proud of your daughter, well done to her for being so driven and responsible.
If anything, the cousins should look to her as an inspiration to get their act together.
Their attitude is not your (or your daughters) fault or responsibility. Hold your heads high and avoid them as much as you can.
NTA.
What you have created is a strong independant human, you have done what all of us parents hope to achieve.
What your sister in law has created is lazy jealous whingers which sound to be a mirror of her.
You’ve done well sir, and pass that on to your daughter that shes a roll model for the kids that I’m trying to bring up.
Tammy needs to grow up and her parents need to focus on that instead of bullying your daughter for being successful. NTA
Generally speaking, NTA. But a phrase early on made me think “whoa, hold up there”. It was “we generally allow her (Danica) to manage her own finances”. Um, she’s 21, an adult, and you should have no say in her finances. She’s working and paying her way, including rent presumably, so she’s doing well. SIL is an AH, it’s up to her to manage her lazy-assed adult kids expectations; e.g. “get off your ass and get a job if you want stuff”.
NTA
Your daughter is a grown ass adult who earns her own money and she’s entitled to spend it however she wants. Your brother and his wife are huge AH who need to get over themselves
NTA
NTA
Tell your brother it was his responsible to teach his kids – they should have job, they should know hot I manage finances, they should understand if you earn money you get to spend it. Tell him – his kids are the spoilt brats not your daughter, because his adult children are still “suckling at the teets of their mum”..
You’ve done well to raise a daughter who is financially independent and is the boss of her life. Be proud! Tell your daughter the internet applauds her for adulting successfully and that she has don’t nothing wrong.
Nta. This is where you need to go NC. I deal with this every time I have to interact with my in-laws. My husband has two siblings both married with children. However we are the only dual income household. Husband and i both make a nice amount of money. We don’t live luxurious but occasionally treat ourselves or splurge. Mostly on a nice vacation every few years. My BIL especially loves to voice his opinions on how we spend our money and how often we travel. Being the oldest my BIL has to be on top, he does everything better. For example he criticized the hell out of our new porch furniture (we had had our old stuff for several years and it was used when we got it), he especially loved ragging on my egg chair. A month later we are at a pool party at their house, and they got almost the exact same furniture as us just a different color. And he had TWO egg chairs! My sil and her husband struggle financially. If they achieve anything or get anything they can only be satisfied by trying to put others down. We got a house addition last year vs buying a new house (never giving up that 3% interest rate lol) they however couldn’t afford an addition, eventually they just decided to buy a new house. Honestly i was happy for them because they seemed excited despite the really high monthly payments. But boy then they started talking about their house and describing how much better it was than ours. “Oh our yard will be nice and level unlike the yard”
If it wasn’t for the fact that the kids get along really well I would have cut them off long ago, but i endure for my kids.
I don’t believe this is real. I can’t believe family members would think your adult daughter is wrong for having a job and living her life.
NTA. There is no need to subject yourselves to the inappropriate behavior your SIL is inflicting. Kudos on teaching your daughter responsibility. Now, another important life lesson is removing toxic folks from your lives. Your daughter deserves all your support.
NTA
Let me get this straight, a 20 year old woman is crying to mommy about not having new toys?
Girl, go get a job and buy your own shit!
NTA but you know that. Your niece and nephew are headed towards a reality check
You are not spoiling your child at all. In fact, you have raised an extremely independent, knowledgeable go getter who went out and got what she wanted. Your daughter has worked hard for her money, spent it on things she deemed appropriate and has every right to do so. She sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders and will do great things not only in her personal life but her financial life.
If your niece wants such things, she needs to earn money for them. It’s called a job. Your daughter knew what she wanted and went after it. Time for her cousins to grow up and start contributing to society. Then, they will hopefully have enough sense to save what they earn so they can buy the things they want.
NTA
NTA What utter nonsense this is.
NTA. Your daughter actually sounds quite generous — and respectful.
I’ve been the one who didn’t have the money, plenty of times, but I’ve never felt that gave me the right to police what others buy.
They are all adults😳
ESH.
your daughter was not financially independent at 15 because she bought her “stuff” herself.
NTA because it has nothing to do with you. Your daughter is an adult.
NTA. You guys raised a responsible and independent woman who is financially responsible. Tell everyone else to f off. Your SIL is mad because her children are leaches while yours is not. Its jealousy being taken out on you for their poor parenting choices. Why haven’t they ever had their children get jobs? Do they go to school? Its not your fault for her parenting perceptions.
No need to defend. Just let people think whatever they want. They’re the ones who are judging AND it’s reflects on THEM. Not you.
Your daughter is great! Let her know you’re proud of her and whatever she’s achieved on her own.
NTA. Good luck. Updateme
NTA – if anyone’s a brat it’s the adults crying that their cousin has better things when they’ve never worked a day in their lives.
Updateme
NTA – The hardest part about changing your stars and moving up a socioeconomic class, is this kind of hostility from family and friends. It’s a very hopeless and alienating experience.
When you offer to help, they say you’re flaunting; When you don’t, they say you’re flaunting.
You cannot appease these jealous types. They will do nothing but make your daughter feel bad about success and equate success with disapproval and loss of friendships.
If you want your daughter to continue being a success you must shield her from these types of people at all costs. Whatever you do, DO NOT teach her to make herself smaller or less impressive in order to make others comfortable.
This trait is particularly expected from women and people get mad, as you have witnessed, if a woman does not bow to their social expectations (meek, humble, ordinary, same as others). It feels like a direct threat, even offends them, and they want to correct the behaviour.
Jeez NTA