Last night my husband opened up to me that he’s been feeling depressed and anxious. He thinks it’s seasonal depression but also acknowledged that us being “no contact” with his parents may be a prominent factor as well. The reason we’ve been NC with them for over a month now is because I finally snapped after three years of them disrespecting us as parents to our two children. They are manipulative and everyone in their family is afraid to rock the boat, largely because of MIL. She hates all of her son’s partners and firmly believes she is the only important woman in her sons’ lives. She tries to constantly roleplay as “mommy” to my children and enough was enough. My husband was on board with my feelings of wanting to distance ourselves from them. But last night he said something along the lines of-
“how many times can we keep having the same conversation with them about boundaries? They never listen, so at what point do we just drop it and simply keep a closer eye on them because they’re family? I miss when everyone was close and I don’t like this tension.”
Obviously I fully disagree. I don’t care if someone is family or not, if you’ve proven over the past 3-4 years that you have no intention of respecting me, why should I continue to surround myself and my kids around you?!
Feeling super frustrated…. My husband is spiraling, it’s affecting so many areas of our life now. I’m lost on what to do.
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Hmmm… my partner wished for peace with his brother awhile back. He remembers “a time when we all got along”… well I reminded him that he was the first one to warn me about his brother… then I waited. I stood back. I let him bring the kids, even one that’s just mine and not my partners biological kid, to see his brother in a kinda public setting and I made some comments and I listened. Now everyone’s no contact with the brother. My partner doesn’t wish there was peace anymore. He saw it for himself. I wonder if you might get your husband individual therapy? Then if he gets in contact with his family , then he might see that they’re toxic?
Seasonal depression?? It’s July…
He is upset he can’t change his family. He needs therapy to mourn the relationship. Tell him he is free to visit and see them on his own, without the children….
Couples therapy or at least individual therapy. He is more concerned with having people who disrespect you to your face and choose to be inappropriate with your children in your lives than he is with protecting the family he has created. He understands they are not healthy people who will respect and honor boundaries and his solution is to be more hyper vigilant and accommodating? Absolutely not.
He can have a relationship with his family, but he cant force you and the children to. You are absolutely within your right to say that not respecting your boundaries and your authority as a parent to YOUR children means they get no relationship.
Your husband is failing as a husband and father because he was raised to he a dutiful son. He needs to give it more time and actually take accountability for his role as a parent and partner. He needs to decide what is important to your nuclear family unit and learn to stand alone if his family refuse to respect any of you.
He needs therapy if he is this distraught over his nuclear family having freedom instead of living in the prison of his dysfunctional family of origin.
You were never close, you were rug sweeping to enable access.
Ask him why he’s ok with tension with his wife? Because that is what comes with contract with his parents.
Additionally, I’d tell him he’s can see his parents when he wants but you and three kids will be maintaining no contact until there is changed behavior because a boundary without consequences just a request.
I had this very same fear. I discussed openly about how my relationship with MIL is not going to be. Hubby is upset that we can’t move forward as a big unit but accepts my choices are for my own reasons and there is no discussion on it. I have no contact and have done for 2 years. I have had a very blunt conversation and laid every emotion on the line. Ultimately I said he needs to respect my choices and back my choices to be NC and defend me to MIL if necessary.
I however have agreed that they (in laws) can still have contact with my kidlet and one on the way as long as there is no mention of myself in a negative way, too anyone hubby included. Anything like that the call is done and strike one (3 you’re out). You say anything disrespectful to my kids, done and no more chances. We live abroad so it’s on face time majority of the time with occasional face to face.
We are planning to go see family in person next year and I have already been planning my rules.
Hubby will have to be on board for it to work. He needs to understand that he has CHOSEN to spend his life with YOU and have children with YOU. YOU should be his priority. If he cannot see that then I would suggest counseling.
His idea of “everyone being close” is skewed. It was when everyone fell in line and obeyed his parents. If he’s refusing therapy maybe he should go on a page here on Reddit about narcissistic/enmeshed parents and speak to the people there. Everyone is not close anymore because he’s not following the status quo of mommy comes before everyone. She (and FIL too) don’t respect the both of you as adults. They still see you as children who need to obey and that she is in control of your children when she’s around because she is The Matriarch
I think it’s normal for him to feel guilty. I’d have him start therapy, read some books on it that’ll help alleviate his guilt around the decision to go NC (Set Boundaries, Find Peace and Children of Emotionally Immature Parents are a good start. Good job keeping your own boundary! Wishing you all the best.
What is this “we,” shit? It’s not “we,” anymore when you’ve stated that you are no contact with his family. He can do whatever he wants. He can have whatever relationship with them that he wants, as long as leaves you out of it.
“Keep a closer eye on them,” means that he wants the behavior that they’re handing out. And he wants you to want it to…and not complaint about it.
This is a husband issue.
Can confirm this could end your marriage. A husband with zero backbone and a mil who thinks she’s entitled to your children and to disrespecting you at any turn— it’s no way to live and no way for your children to be raised believing is ok.
My ex husband of 13 years and I had the same conversation before we split. He picked mummy over his wife and children. Our children are no contact with his mother and have been for years, and they are no contact with their father now for 18 months. So he lost us all anyway. All to please mummy.
Can you get him in to talk to someone, couples counseling or similar. Can he maintain a relationship with her where you and the kids are separated entirely from her?
Not my mother in law, but my brother in law.
When my husband and I first got married (eloped), his brother and his wife had a three month old baby. We were over at their house helping out (we would stay days at a time to hang out and help), but one day the wife blindsided me by lying on me to their roommate and the two of them cornering me and screaming at me. I nope’d out, told my husband and his family what happened, and EVERYONE (besides his bro+wife) was on my side. I asked for an apology. That was it.
Months went by and they refused. We were planning a wedding celebration for the fall. As the wedding approached, everyone expected me to invite his brother and wife. I said only if they apologized. They wouldn’t. They did not attend the wedding.
Christmas came around and their son turned one year old. We were at my mom’s house and my husband called his dad to wish him a merry Christmas and all that, but when he came back, he was upset. I asked what was wrong and he said that he wants to be close with his brother again and it’s my fault for not forgiving him and moving on for the sake of the family. He wanted to see his nephew grow up and until I move on, he won’t be able to.
I was shocked because the entire time this issue had been going on (10+ months at this point), he had been completely on my side and even said that his brother needed to face accountability and that his parents always gave in, so his brother never learned boundaries, etc (his brother is actually a narcissistic psychopath, but that’s another story).
My husband asked me to message his brother and ask him to forgive me for not getting over the argument sooner. Keep in mind all I had asked for was an apology, but apparently that was too hard to do. So I did. His brother said he would be gracious and forgive me for the sake of the family, but only if I never spoke of the issue again. I said okay, whatever, I just wanted to make peace for my husband anyway.
But guess what? His brother STILL sucked. His brother STILL caused so much strife in the family that we are coming up on 4 years no contact in November. Abusive and manipulative family members don’t change. They won’t stop. You giving in and not maintaining boundaries just makes it worse. I know it’s hard, but after a certain point, NC is the only way to deal with them. For your own peace of mind and sanity.
I think that therapy would be a good first step. As messed up and emeshed your husband’s family is, he needs to be able to process his feelings and in a sense – grieve their loss. Missing them is not a crime, but, he needs to see how harmful they are to your relationship and family.
Tell him he is free to have whatever relationship with his mother that he wants, but the subject of you and your children are off-limits, and the NC still applies to you and your children.
I would also suggest marriage counseling for you both and individual therapy for your husband.
Couples therapy immediately. He needs to understand what he’s wanting and how it will negatively affect EVERYONE. I’m not sure he sees how destructive she is, especially if she’s been this way his whole life which I’m guessing she has. For his own mental clarity (and yours and your kids sanity) you need couples counseling.
Search Reddit for the Rock the Boat post. It details what that really means and is very enlightening.
It’s always a spouse problem when that spouse sides with their parents over their spouse. If he won’t do therapy, there really is no hope in anything changing. He doesn’t want things to change as that’s what he knows and what he is comfortable with. It’s a different take on the crab pot mentality where even he doesn’t want out.