My high school best friend got pregnant when we were in our early 20s, the baby’s dad was not someone she knew well and honestly handled the whole thing very well. He understood why she wanted me at medical appointments etc. just asked I tell him if there was anything urgent he needed to know.
They decided to try and make it work and were together for a few years, he always wanted to get married and have more kids but she turned him down.
I was there a lot, an “aunt” to their daughter (L) and very much loved them all.
When they broke up I tried not to take sides but obviously saw a lot less of L’s dad. I stayed pretty active in L’s life and mostly saw her on her mom’s weeks (they alternated for 50/50 time.
L’s dad got married and had more kids, and I was happy as that’s always what he wanted and L’s mom never quite forgave me for not being angry he moved on, so I saw L less.
About 7 years ago L’s mom also married. I went to the wedding and was thrilled to spend more time with L again, though I was uncomfortable with her new stepdad.
Turns out my instincts were right shortly after the wedding L’s mom picked a silly fight and blocked me.
I tried reaching out a few years ago for our 40th birthdays (only a few days apart) and got a not subtle message that I was a horrible influence and “had different values” and to never speak to her or her daughter again.
L is 21 now, studying at a university and I know bits of her life from mutual friends.
I miss her, I grieve the little girl I once never went more than a few days without seeing.
AITA if I reach out to her directly? Should I try and contact her dad (who I haven’t spoken to in a decade) instead? Or should I just let it go.
I’m pretty sure step dad is very controlling and conservative and he didn’t like that I’m the opposite but my friend used to agree with me!
I don’t have hopes of getting my friend back as she’s made her choice, but I hate my goddaughter thinking I just abandoned her!
TL/DR: my ex friend married an jerk and kept me away from my goddaughter I love, should I contact her now that she’s an adult or let it go as to not cause problems with her mom.
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My high school best friend got pregnant when we were in our early 20s, the baby’s dad was not someone she knew well and honestly handled the whole thing very well. He understood why she wanted me at medical appointments etc. just asked I tell him if there was anything urgent he needed to know.
They decided to try and make it work and were together for a few years, he always wanted to get married and have more kids but she turned him down.
I was there a lot, an “aunt” to their daughter (L) and very much loved them all.
When they broke up I tried not to take sides but obviously saw a lot less of L’s dad. I stayed pretty active in L’s life and mostly saw her on her mom’s weeks (they alternated for 50/50 time.
L’s dad got married and had more kids, and I was happy as that’s always what he wanted and L’s mom never quite forgave me for not being angry he moved on, so I saw L less.
About 7 years ago L’s mom also married. I went to the wedding and was thrilled to spend more time with L again, though I was uncomfortable with her new stepdad.
Turns out my instincts were right shortly after the wedding L’s mom picked a silly fight and blocked me.
I tried reaching out a few years ago for our 40th birthdays (only a few days apart) and got a not subtle message that I was a horrible influence and “had different values” and to never speak to her or her daughter again.
L is 21 now, studying at a university and I know bits of her life from mutual friends.
I miss her, I grieve the little girl I once never went more than a few days without seeing.
AITA if I reach out to her directly? Should I try and contact her dad (who I haven’t spoken to in a decade) instead? Or should I just let it go.
I’m pretty sure step dad is very controlling and conservative and he didn’t like that I’m the opposite but my friend used to agree with me!
I don’t have hopes of getting my friend back as she’s made her choice, but I hate my goddaughter thinking I just abandoned her!
TL/DR: my ex friend married an jerk and kept me away from my goddaughter I love, should I contact her now that she’s an adult or let it go as to not cause problems with her mom.
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> Would I be the AH if I contacted my Goddaughter now that she’s in adult knowing it may cause a problem with her mom and stepdad?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Your god-daughter is now an adult and no longer under her parents’ control. You are free to reach out to her independently. She might appreciate it.
NTA, the daughter is an adult now. If you want to reach out to her do it! But if she doesn’t want to have a relationship then don’t push it!
NAH. Gotta be a soft reach out.
NTA, but wait a while to contact L. If she is in college she is probably financial dependent upon her mom & stepdad. When (not if) they find out that she is in contact with you they could cut her off. You don’t want to throw so much drama into her life until she is out of school and working.
I think that your idea of contacting the father has a lot of merit. Assuming that he has stayed in contact with L all these years he can give you current information on L’s status and advice on how and when to contact her.
You’re an adult and the person you’re contacting is an adult right? So what’s the issue and why do you need our permission to talk to an adult?
That’s how I see it. It’ll be fine.
Say hi, I’m your old family friend. Remember me? I used to take care of you as a child.
I’m assuming you were there for those kind of moments.
And do whatever you want. Just make sure that young person sticks to their studies. And excels.
NTA for reaching out. However, if your goddaughter tells you she does not want contact, you have to respect that.
NTA…You’re an adult reaching out to another adult. Just accept what comes of it. Her decision is none of her mother’s business at this point.
NTA. She’s an adult so her mother no longer has a say. If it doesn’t work out, then at least you’ll know. Better than spending your time wondering.
NTA.
SHE didn’t kick you out of her life, her stepfather influenced her mother to.
You don’t have to respect a friend who no longer respects you.
No harm in, ‘I’ve missed you and wanted to say that if you were interested I’d love to keep in contact’.
She can ignore you or reach out as she chooses.
NTA. She’s a legal adult. No telling what she was told. I say for for it.
NTA she’s an adult now and can decide for herself. Also, if your feelings were right about her stepdad, she might actually appreciate having you back in her life.
NTA, but would advise proceeding with caution. Let the daughter take the lead after gently reaching out.
She’s 21, an adult. You’re not crossing any moral line by reaching out. Just keep it gentle, low-pressure, and respectfu
NTA. She’s an adult, she can choose to not respond or maybe she’ll be glad to hear from you
yes you are , since you were expplicitly asked not to
Your God daughter is an adult now. She can choose for herself who she has contact with. Reach out to her. There is also no reason at all why you shouldn’t reach out to her father as well.
You were friends and your ex friend cannot dictate who you can associate with.
She 21 and your friend doesn’t like you anyway so as long as you can deal with the consequences then try because she’s a adult now and can make her own decisions. However you might not like how L treats you if Mom didn’t talk nice about you. I would try.
Everyone is being dense.
I know my own mother would have already drilled it in my head that this lady aint family and this lady is xyz. If i had a good relationship with my mom and her ex friend who she hates tries and reaches out to me? I tell my mom and we’ll both go “ what an odd thing to do”.
Unpopular opinion, but you have to really think about it.
NTA. L is an adult now and she can make adult choices.
She is an adult and gets to make decisions on who to have contact with. Reach out and see how she feels. Updateme
NTA. She’s an adult now, her Mom doesn’t get a say in what relationships she chooses to have. Reach out to her.
NTA if I found out my mother was telling people to stay out of my life, there would be hell to pay. That is no longer her decision.
Contact your goddaughter
NTA. I think the consensus is that you should reach out. Let us know how it goes.
NTA, though you would be if you reach out and she is not interested in talking to you, and you persist. You should also consider that you’re putting her in a potentially tough situation, balancing between her parents and you. I would broach it softly, a card or note, simple, thinking of you, so proud of you kind of thing. If she responds, that’s her choice. If she doesn’t, let it be.
I was in a similar situation with my godchild. I wrote a card for his birthday. I told him I missed him and that it was not his fault that the contact broke off. That I would always be there for him if he needed me and some lighthearted anecdotes and wishes. He called me a few days after and we speak every once in a while now.
I try to never mention his mom, I will never ask him directly how she is (just a “how is life, how is everyone”) and I will never put him in the middle of the situation between me and his mom. If he ever asks, I will answer honestly but as neutral and short as possible.
NTA. A 21-year-old can decide for herself if she wants a relationship with you. I wouldnt give mom’s opinion a second thought.
I’m in a very similar situation, except for I have a daughter that’s the same age as my goddaughter. Her mother and I were best friends, and for reasons, it would take way too long to explain, she dropped me. The girls were about 9. Throughout the years they did keep in contact a little bit through social media once they had it. And right about the age of 18 my god daughter contacted my daughter and they’ve been joined up the hip ever since. She went off to college and her mother moved out of state at the same time. Her and I have reconnected, and she calls me mom. She has spent her summers with us, as well as Christmas. I watched her be born, and I watched her grow up.And now I get to watch her mature and grow into a fantastic woman. Your goddard is an adult now, you have one hundred percent full rain to contact her on your own. Do not feel guilty, because regardless of what you and her might have gone through, if she’s a good person she’ll just smile and nod when she finds out that you and her daughter are speaking. Because if it’s what her daughter wants, then it should never be an issue.
NTA for reaching out but be prepared for a negative outcome whether it be disinterest or hostility. You can open the door but there’s no telling what your goddaughter remembers and/or has been told if anything. You have no idea what the family relationships have been like since you were last in contact, so your opinions of the stepfather may or may not match your goddaughters. If you are extremely lucky, you can develop an adult friendship over time
NTA. L is an adult now. Go ahead and contact her, but be sensitive to any clues that the contact is unwelcome.
YTA. You were told not to contact her, so don’t. But you are both adults so no one can really stop you. Maybe it works out! Or, it goes horribly. So be ready for both.
NTA..your former friend is also ridiculous. She is angry L’s dad moved on after rejecting his proposals and desire to start a family? She is clearly the type that puts men before all else in a relationship so good chance her daughter could use some support
NTA in not wanting your goddaughter to think you just abandoned her. I don’t think I have a problem with a soft reach out–and I would make it in writing–but I would be extremely cautious with my words.
How long has it been since you’ve seen or spoken to L? It doesn’t sound like you just want her to know that you didn’t abandon her. Something in your tone makes it sound like you’d like to strike up a relationship with her again if she’d be willing. This is fine but do you want your relationship with your goddaughter at the peril that might come with the relationship she currently has with her mother and if so, why? My point is that your base intention is honest enough but wanting anything further sounds like it could be more for selfish reasons. It’s great to make sure you let her know she’s not abandoned. Hopefully you’re not subconsciously wanting to low-key sabotage your goddaughter’s relationship with her parent for revenge and/or your own benefit.
What do you want in the end of all of this?
She’s an adult, do whatever you wish. I hope you two are able to reconnect and build a good relationship.
Nta. But, I would reach out to dad first and test the waters. As someone else pointed out, if her mom finds out she’s talking to you, she could get cut off financially and emotionally. She doesn’t need that right now. You can ask dad to pass on a message to her just so she knows you still care about her. If she reaches out to you after that, great. But keep things on her terms.
Your halo is too shiny in your fairy godmother, I’m so open minded and helpful story.
I feel like there is a too much of the friend’s side we aren’t getting. You said your friend/the mom distanced herself from you for other reasons BEFORE the wedding.
Then you went to her wedding after not seeing her regularly for some time. She “picked a silly fight” after the wedding and used it as an excuse to block you and tell you never to contact her or her daughter again. That doesn’t sound like a silly fight from her side.
My guess is you have an ongoing issue, the mom gave you another try for old times sake (the wedding) and then realized she was right the first time.
Then you even leaped to “bad vibes from conservative controlling man” and blamed it on him. Was he controlling her already the first time she distanced herself from you?
What’s your end game? To “win” against your friend? What do you have to gain by chatting with a college student who you knew when she was little? She’s someone you used to know grow up and move on.
I agree with the recommendations for a soft reach out. Something like a social media message.
I just think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that you haven’t been in her thoughts the way that she has been in yours.
Not saying she didn’t probably miss you as a kid when contact was cut off. But that was a long time ago, she was young, and for many people their godparents don’t play an active/frequent role in their lives.
So only reach out to her if you can handle either a negative (in case her parents actively disparaged you) or what might be even more hurtful since this relationship clearly meant a lot to you – a lukewarm reaction of “oh yeah you’re my mom’s old friend. Nice to meet you”