am i doing anything wrong?
hi everyone, idk why, but it’s very easy for me to feel guilty about things for no reason. but i don’t know if the guilt makes sense in this situation. for context, i have very strict parents who give me very little freedom. i’m a university student who pays my own tuition and i’ve paid my parents like 20k in rent already at 19 years old. they also take most of my paycheque that doesn’t go towards my tuition away. therefore, i’m thinking of making a new bank account and having a secret job that i don’t tell them about. i feel bad hiding things, but there’s just some things that i feel like they won’t understand… and since i’m an adult, i feel like i should be able to make this decision by myself. i’m not even doing anything wrong. idk i hate lying about stuff but they’re not letting me be open about this with them. they want me to go into debt for university even tho when i worked in high school they told me that “i didn’t have to work” – so they never told me they needed rent. yet i still paid them. i was saving money for tuition. and it’s not like i am taking advantage of them either, i paid them so much in rent already… so should i feel guilty about having a secret job… i hate lying. i wish they’d let me be open with them.
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am i doing anything wrong?
hi everyone, idk why, but it’s very easy for me to feel guilty about things for no reason. but i don’t know if the guilt makes sense in this situation. for context, i have very strict parents who give me very little freedom. i’m a university student who pays my own tuition and i’ve paid my parents like 20k in rent already at 19 years old. they also take most of my paycheque that doesn’t go towards my tuition away. therefore, i’m thinking of making a new bank account and having a secret job that i don’t tell them about. i feel bad hiding things, but there’s just some things that i feel like they won’t understand… and since i’m an adult, i feel like i should be able to make this decision by myself. i’m not even doing anything wrong. idk i hate lying about stuff but they’re not letting me be open about this with them. they want me to go into debt for university even tho when i worked in high school they told me that “i didn’t have to work” – so they never told me they needed rent. yet i still paid them. i was saving money for tuition. and it’s not like i am taking advantage of them either, i paid them so much in rent already… so should i feel guilty about having a secret job… i hate lying. i wish they’d let me be open with them.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I HAVE A SECRET PT JOB FROM MY PARENTS. 2. I AM NOT TELLING MY PARENTS ABOUT MY SECRET PT JOB.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
you need to be able to take care of yourself and plan for your future. your parents have already financially pulled the rug out from under you once, you have no reason to trust anything they tell you concerning money anymore. so it’s better to keep that part of your life private.
Protecting your peace and securing your future is not a betrayal to anyone who sincerely cares about you. That’s control, not love. Some parents don’t understand the difference, but forgive them for their shortcomings (they’re human) and do what you have to do. Sometimes silence is your strongest weapon.
NTA man reread this and see how messed up the whole situation is for you
NTA.
Have you considered putting some of your earnings into a Roth IRA?
Your current job may also let you split your paycheck between multiple direct deposit accounts.
Just do not lie to the IRS.
Nta if you’re paying that much why not just leave and do roomshare
Get a separate account, update your employer, move out. For what you’re paying, you should be able to get a room at least.
Do your parents tell you everything about their financial decisions or information they consider personal? I would think not. As an adult, which at 19 you clearly are, the choices you make are your decision and frankly no-one else’s business but yours. As an adult, like your parents, you are not at liberty to have to divulge everything you do to your parents nor do you need to seek their approval. Make the choices that are right for you. Your life is your own and the choices you make now are important for your future. There is no need to be anxious or beat yourself up for not choosing to tell your parents every move you make. You’re not obliged to.
Don’t forget to be kind to yourself and do your best to make wise choices. Do your homework and seek advice from qualified professionals before making any concrete decisions especially when it comes to financial transactions and don’t forget to make time for fun. Getting out and about with friends helps reduce anxiety and improves our overall mental health too. Remember life is always better when you find a good balance and stay true to yourself.😉
NTA. Are they seriously your parents? Do they belong to the mafia? I mean taking the paycheck you get after expenses, dictating your life-style choices, feels more like mafia family instead of normal family dynamics.
NTA
Have you considered moving out? This seems like a pretty extreme situation.
Those are not parents! Open a bank account they know nothing of, put all your money there, move out fast as lightning and never look back.
NTA
They are financially abusing you. The reason you feel guilty about doing this is because they have trained you to be. There is absolutely no way your parents should be controlling your finances this much. They’re sucking you dry to keep you compliant and within their control. Parents are supposed to get there children to the point that when they become adults, they can leave and make their own way. They clearly don’t want that for you. Get the job, keep the bank account secret, and get the fuck out of there. Best of luck.
NTA. You are paying your parents rent and they are still taking money on top of that? Is that what I read? This is what financial abuse looks like.
You are an adult now. Here’s one of the things about being an adult. You get to choose who to share with and what to share. If your parents are soaking you for whatever money they can extract from you, you don’t have to be open with them. In fact, your best course of action is never share anything, especially if it is related to finances. Start practicing the evasive answers and start realizing your parents do not have your best interest in mind when they take your money.
Get your own bank account. Start planning, in secret, how to get away from the people who are holding you down.
Remember, abusive parents control through fear, obligation, and guilt. Those are the lies they use to manipulate their victim. Whenever you hear something about “you owe them” or “they raised you” or “we are your parents” or whatever as justification for their actions, see the lie for what it is, manipulation.
You’re in college, see if they offer free counseling. Start unwrapping the baggage your parents have loaded you down with. The baggage that makes you feel guilty for wanting to be an adult and set adult boundaries with your parents.
NTA.
You’re an adult. That means you are not required to tell your parents anything you don’t want them to know.
It is reasonable for parents to ask kids who are over 18 to contribute towards their upkeep. Water and energy bills and mortgages are expensive. However, few parents make kids who are students pay rent. And you have paid a huge amount in rent.
It sounds like you could rent a room elsewhere for less or the same as what you pay at home. If I were you, I would move out.
Yes, hide your bank accounts and money from them. They are not on your side. They want to take your money and have you go into debt.
NTA Make a new bank account alone, update your employer with your account and have your paycheck go to your solo account. You are an adult. Move out of their house and support yourself.
Your parents are taking advantage of you.
If they really cared about you – the way that parents should – they would not ask you to pay rent and would encourage you to save your money and focus on your education.
The only exception would be is if they had genuine financial struggles, but even then, the onus is on them to make changes and maybe ask for a small portion of rent, not 20k??
It sounds like they are emotionally manipulating and controlling you. I urge you to do some research on parental control. Set up your own bank account and make sure ONLY you have access. Check your other personal accounts health, vehicle, tax etc and make sure you are the only person who has access to them. Collect your important documents and put them in a safe place. You never know when you might need them.
It sounds like you work hard, and you are a smart cookie! Start preparing yourself for an inevitable fallout for when your parents find out and be ready to go if you need to.
I wish you all the best, truly.
Set up you a separate account. Make it is paperless and password protected. If they somehow find out tell them it is a saving account for emergencies. Ynta. As an adult you are trying to plan for your future
NTA but their parents are huge ones. I highly recommend getting the new bank account anyways and just transferring all your money there your parents should not be charging you that much in rent nor should they be controlling what you do as an adult I don’t care if you live in their house. But if you’re already paying that much in rent I highly suggest saving up as much as you can and then moving out cuz right now all you are is a paycheck to your parents and someone that they can continue to try and control. Heads up they’re probably going to freak the fuck out when you try and break free from them but it is going to be the best for your mental health and for your future.
Wow sounds like a very unfun situation. Take the job and save up to move out. They sound controlling. NTA.
Please go talk to your college about gaining full independence fron your Parents.
NTA at all. Get your secret job and new bank account and save as much as you can for your future. Also, look into moving out as soon as you can so that you can live freely, without them breathing down your neck.
Get a job, save as much money as you can and move out on your own! These parents think they are doing what is best for you but your independence is important! You don’t want to be under their control! They seem very controlling!
NTA – you’re an adult and what you’re considering is… Just none of their business. Knowing wouldn’t be useful to anyone.
Don’t be surprised if they figure it out. So long as your grades don’t slip and you take care of your mental health, don’t bother feeling bad. Probably you should think about just moving out.
I think you should try to get on campus housing if it’s offered. How upset will they be if they find out about it?
NTA nope don’t tell them, wtf 20k my dude. I would have left after they told you gotta pay rent. Hope the just took that money and put it in an account for you honestly. But all these posts have taken away my belief in parents. Move out a long time ago
NTA
Your parents are taking advantage of you. It really hurts when we learn that our parents are doing some stuff that really isn’t in our best interests.
You can love your parents, you can do your best to follow their rules, but right now, you are an adult, you are your own person, and you have to start planning for your future.
Your parents are much older than you. They have much more experience. Technically, they should be smarter than you, right? They should be making better choices based on their experiences, right? The fact that they gave birth to a child and are raising that child based on their wisdom and experience means that they should be raising you with good values, right?
So shouldn’t they be teaching you good values about Independence, managing your money, and planning your future?
Doesn’t it make sense that you should have your own bank account, you should be fostering your Independence, planning your future, and saving your money, based on the values that your parents taught you?
Unfortunately, your parents want to continue maintaining control. But that conflicts with the values they taught you. So right now, you have the intelligence and Independence to do the right thing, start planning for your future, start living according to the good values you were taught, even though that means your parents will no longer have the amount of control they used to.
This is perfectly normal. A lot of parents aren’t ready to give up that control, and that’s okay. They don’t have to know. You’re still doing the right thing.
NTA