I (18F) ‘woke up’ from my month-long psychosis. I got diagnosed with schizophrenia. In January, I had a baby; he was stillborn. That, along with my childhood abuse + trauma, pushed me into my psychosis. My mind made fake, essentially, happier memories to distract me. One of them was my boyfriend, who’s the father of our son. I assumed that we were childhood friends that fell in love and got into a relationship. That was wrong.
My boyfriend admitted that it was never his real intention to date me. He was already in love with his girlfriend, and they were trying to get their families in agreement (of being matched). However, they couldn’t go through with it, because I was pregnant. I don’t remember how I got pregnant, other than waking up in his bed after a party my family and I attended. His family pressured him to date me, so it wouldn’t be so dishonorable (we come from a traditional Asian community).
Anyway, my parents have been comforting me now that I know what happened. I’ve been crying so much. I feel like everything I’ve known is a lie. I am so disgusted with myself. I can’t believe that I forgot my baby. I keep getting nightmares about it. My boyfriend is staying with me; maybe it’s because he’s pitying me. His love + treatment of me is different than the love for his ex-girlfriend (who is still in his life). I’m going to therapy now, but I still keep getting nightmares. How can I move on without feeling guilty?
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Waking up from psychosis is whiplash. Grieve hard but drop the guilt your mind saved you.