I had to move back into my mom’s house as one does when a relationship doesn’t workout which I’m grateful for because I have a roof over my head. The thing is though, I’m 26 and am back in my highschool bedroom. At least 2 lately 3x a week I come home to my room scrounged thru I’m talking bout to the point it makes my room look scattered, messy and one time even my garbage can was looked thru and just left out on my carpet floor. I’ve never confronted my mom or her fiancée of any of this except the trash and my mom ignored the question and just went onto ask me why I had certain things in there instead of answering why it was looked thru. I know this is her home and her rules and I know she’s doing me a favor by letting me stay but I feel untrustworthy and weird coming home knowing all my stuff been looked thru even tho I don’t know what she could be looking for? Is she just trynna look for sumn to get mad over & kick me out ? I don’t wanna disrespect their home but I also don’t like the feeling of being patrolled at this grown age 😩 am I wrongf ? Should I just keep letting her snoop and clean/reorganize my stuff and act like I don’t notice? Or should I say something.. like I said it happens multiple times a week and her BD lives here too so it could be him as well. I just don’t know if it’s my place to say something or not
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I had to move back into my mom’s house as one does when a relationship doesn’t workout which I’m grateful for because I have a roof over my head. The thing is though, I’m 26 and am back in my highschool bedroom. At least 2 lately 3x a week I come home to my room scrounged thru I’m talking bout to the point it makes my room look scattered, messy and one time even my garbage can was looked thru and just left out on my carpet floor. I’ve never confronted my mom or her fiancée of any of this except the trash and my mom ignored the question and just went onto ask me why I had certain things in there instead of answering why it was looked thru. I know this is her home and her rules and I know she’s doing me a favor by letting me stay but I feel untrustworthy and weird coming home knowing all my stuff been looked thru even tho I don’t know what she could be looking for? Is she just trynna look for sumn to get mad over & kick me out ? I don’t wanna disrespect their home but I also don’t like the feeling of being patrolled at this grown age 😩 am I wrongf ? Should I just keep letting her snoop and clean/reorganize my stuff and act like I don’t notice? Or should I say something.. like I said it happens multiple times a week and her BD lives here too so it could be him as well. I just don’t know if it’s my place to say something or not
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I came home and felt annoyed that my belongings and safe space was looked through
(2) because it’s not my home nor do I pay rent so I might just be acting entitled to this space
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
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NTA. “Her house, her rules” doesn’t extend to rifling through your trash like a raccoon. That’s just weird.
If you’re paying rent then say something. If you’re not paying rent then say something.
NTA but sounds like you should be making plans to get out of there as quickly as possible.
Very creepy. The boyfriend might be looking for a sexual reason, and she looks to make sure he doesn’t find anything. Underwear, condoms, birth control, anything sexual. This is especially true if she didn’t used to do this.
I’d move out immediately. Look for someone sharing a house or an apartment to keep the rent low.
Do a background check on the boyfriend. They don’t cost much online.
NTA. You need to clarify ground rules for your stay. Maybe Mom says no drugs or something specific in the house, figure out what she doesn’t want in the house, and in return, she treats you like the adult you are and respects your private space. Full stop. You are not a child anymore, and she doesn’t get to treat you that way. She can absolutely have ground rules for you to follow, but going through your stuff every week is a gross invasion of privacy.
I would be careful how you approach this though, depending on your parent. You might want to find another place to stay if you two can’t come to an agreement. But absolutely try to communicate and figure out what and why these things are happening.
Oh man, this one is sneakily really complicated.
If you’re staying with your mom as an adult, ultimately you have to abide by whatever terms she puts down. It’s her house and you’re able to leave whenever you want, so really the main limiting factor is what you’re willing to put up with. You have more leverage to make demands if you’re paying rent but it sounds like you aren’t, so really you can just make requests.
That said, what’s happening here isn’t above-board at all. The implicit understanding of giving someone a room is that they have a reasonable expectation of privacy, which means your mom needs to be explicit in describing how much privacy you actually have. Her evasive responses are not ok: she needs to tell you in no uncertain terms what’s going on here.
Now, it could very well be your mom doing random checks, but my bigger concern is that it’s her babydaddy being creepy. Maybe he’s trying to score some weed or money from you, maybe he’s hoping to find sex toys or your underwear. You’ll know better than us what he might be looking for. The fact that your room was left in a mess and her weird responses makes me think it was him rather than your mom (maybe she didn’t know he was doing this and got flustered), though again, you know them better than us.
I’m going to go with NTA, because it’s totally reasonable to expect some privacy when staying at your mom’s house and she should have told you up front if you weren’t going to get it. If I were you, I’d be making plans to move out ASAP. Something weird is going on.
NTA The problem is that even though you are right I don’t see a way to stop her/them doing this crap. If they can’t be talked into respecting your privacy then all you can do is take preventative measures and move out as soon as you can.
The idea that if you stay in your parents’ home as an adult you have to live as a minor with no rights or expectation of respect or privacy is BS. The problem is that they can enforce their will through the threat of kicking you out. If they aren’t interested in keeping a good relationship with you going forward then you don’t really have anything to bargain with.
I would try talking to your mother and explaining that a relationship with an adult child living in the home cannot be viewed and treated in the same way as a minor child living in the home. It’s not healthy and her doing this is damaging your relationship. If she can’t see that, refuses to, or doesn’t care, then all you can do is not leave private things in your room and get out when you can.
NTA – but it’s beyond creepy. Get out fast!
If you’re paying rent buy a lock for your door. Either way you need to speak with them and make them answer.
NTA.
When you’re living somewhere for free you can’t be too fussy, but looking through your things is out of line.
She might be looking to make sure you’re not doing drugs, or he might be searching hoping to steal your drugs. Or just being nosy about your life.
I wouldn’t confront or accuse, but you can certainly keep asking questions:
“So, what did you two find in my room today?”
The other thing you can do is to keep your room as neat and tidy as possible, so that it is obvious when they’ve snooped. You could even empty the trash can every time you leave the house. Make the room very boring to search, and they will probably stop looking.
I would say something. Normally when a space is mine my things shouldn’t be moved around in it because sometimes things won’t be where they’re supposed to be later.
I would gently mention that something was moved around in my room and that it took a while to find it again.
Are you bringing things home you shouldn’t? Remember your mother is doing her best.
It sounds like they’re looking for the booty and being investigative.
Leave the trash for them in an easily accessible place with a lid on it. So they know you don’t want them there.
But me personally I would just let them go through it until they learn there’s nothing to hide.
Just gently mention things were moved around later if you notice anything and it took you a while to find it.
YTA
You’re back living in Mom’s house. Clean your room and abide by the ground rules
This is not okay. It’s not okay for a guest. It’s not okay for an adult temporarily staying in your house. I would never think it was okay to treat another adult like this, unless I was worried about something that was dangerous for my children.
nta
but I’d try to find some locker thing to rent (not sure about the word in English), not a complete garage, something smaller, also I’d get a bank locker thing (the ones inside a bank, not the cheap ones outside of the bank some banks seem to offer) and store there all important papers, certificates,… and get screen codes for phone… but also for all apps including browsers, automatic deletion of browsing history, get a tax pin, check and freeze your credt score and so on. Get legal advice at a center for… however they are named in your country for youth, or family, extortion,… what else you should do to be save
never trust people who do not respect your private things, those are way too often the same ones who steal, destroy reputation or do other things with long lasting damages
NTA. Even if you are living there for free, it’s AH behavior to go through someone’s things and leave trash around. I would keep that room looking like a freshly turned hotel room, nothing personal anywhere. Leave no trash, take it all with you when you leave the house. If you can afford a storage unit, keep everything there and only have a bag of clothes and a bed at your mom’s.
NTA, but maybe she’s concerned that you’re closer to 30 years old than 20, and think that “trynna” and “sumn” are words.
NTA, but you just need to move out as soon as you can. It’s her house, and you are not a tenant, so you lack any legal entitlement to privacy. If you have somewhere else you can stay or the ability to move out, then do so. I’m petty and would go through their room if left alone in the house. Play the same ignore/question game, but only if I can immediately move out or have already done so, and this was my last act to sever those family ties. You might get kicked out for doing the same thing, hence why I would only do petty stuff if I’m sure I do not mind burning the bridge and have a backup plan/place.
I would be willing to take pictures of my nicely organized room and come in to record whatever mess they left me to send to the family group chat or post online (nothing like a little shaming). Only do these things if you have gotten your stuff out and don’t plan to come back to this house. See what’s missing, if anything.
You should at least ask why she’s looking through your room before. It may not even be her doing it. We’re they using the room for something else before you moved back in. You need to talk to your mom before you decide what expectations you should have. NTA
NTA…Did you ask your mom why they are going thru your room? What exactly are they looking for?
Are they looking for cash? Looking to steal from you?
I would be getting a camera and putting in my room. One with sound. That they are unaware of.
You should be able to have privacy in your own bedroom. Put a lock on it.
When my son moved back after college I went in his room to pick up wet towels and food…because disgusting. The second month I presented him with the monthly pest control bill and receipt for new towels due to mold. Never had to go in his room again. NTA…unless you’re creating a disgusting space in their home.
She doesn’t think you’re a drug dealer does she? Or maybe her partner is looking to steal some money.
NTA!
You said “her BD lives here too” so I’m assuming there’s a kid somewhere? Some of it could be the kid just saying. But with her answering a question with a question she obviously knows it’s happening at the least. It’s not unreasonable to expect to have basic privacy respected.
I do wonder though how you behave in life in general. If you go partying clubbing or all night, then she might be looking for first clues of a serious problem. Like many I thought it could be him for creepy reasons, too. Or maybe HE wants you out and is trying to find evidence to support that. AGAIN IT’S STILL NOT ACCEPTABLE.
I suggest you start quietly looking for your own place, probably with roommates to make it financially easier to get out faster. Don’t say anything until it’s actually happening. You can TRY having a discussion with your mom again about why the raiding and what she’s expecting to find and explain how scary and frustrating it is to come back to that everyday. It sounds like prison cell raids but daily.
You’re 26. Stop spending ANY amount of time on thinking about this and get a damn job so that you can move the fuck out of your parents way/house. Fuck that would be so annoying for a 26 year old to move back into my house and then start complaining
Nta id live in my car before i dealt with that one more day.
Just tell her that you hid the drugs in her room
Also, she’s not “doing you a favor” she’s your parent and regardless of how old you are she should be helping you in times of need. I know not everyone thinks this way, but I can’t imagine treating my kids like this. The ONLY time I searched my kids rooms was when one kept stealing pocket knives and matches which stopped and whenever I’m looking for someone specific like a single shoe. Still beyond me how they can lose a shoe inside the house.
Also also, “her house her rules” in reality means things like no overnight guests or you having household chores/contributions. Not “you stay here and don’t complain about anything ever and just accept it”.
There’s this thing you can get for your door that requires a key to open it….highly recommended. 😉😉
Can you put a lock on your door? If she won’t allow it then that means YES she wants you out! Sorry OP. Get a lock box for your personal documents and valuables.
Put the things you don’t need on a daily basis in locked suitcases or tape-sealed boxes. Your mother is a snoop and she isn’t even trying to hide it. You are stuck living there, so simply make the room less interesting to her.
NTA but you don’t have a lot of choice.