mom (57F) gave me (30F) graduation gift 3 months after i graduated nursing school. she kept saying she was sending me my gift but it just never came, until…
on the phone the other day she was bragging about getting my girl cousin and really pretty dress and a bunch of other things for her high school graduation. i said “wow, i haven’t even got anything from you!” to which she said “what?? i dropped that off weeks ago. i’ll check the tracking.” then she proceeded to try to gossip about my kid cousin, the same mentioned above and was picking apart her body, her face, her outfit in an innocent picture that my cousin sent her. i politely told her i don’t want to talk about this person like that and the convo was promptly ended by her.
two days later, i get a package in the mail.
i open it – it’s a faux chanel purse, and it’s a bad one. I’m not even against fakes but this one is truly not even close to good quality. also, she USED the thing!! it’s fully been worn in and the corners are bent.
she also gave me a puzzle. i have never have had an interest in puzzles whatsoever. no card.
i’m not sure why but it felt like just a bizarre gift. i want to give her the benefit of the doubt but she spends tons of money on herself. this is definitely a pattern, she has always given me hand-me-downs of hers as gifts or items she waited to long to return after deciding she didn’t like them. she also gives me old candy (i’m talking expired for years).
would i be the a****** if i just told her that was an odd gift? it’s truly been bothering me. and the no card thing from my own mother on my COLLEGE GRADUATION is just a little weird.
A little bit of background here: she lives at her parents colorado home with no bills. She gets a healthy alimoney check from my father, her ex, monthly, and has for 10 years. she doesn’t work.
she is obsessed with how people view her, always has to drive a nice car, wear nice clothes and won’t leave the house without makeup on and done up to some degree. she had told me to go to med school all throughout my nursing school journey and prior.
TLDR: my mom sent me a used faux chanel purse as grad gift 3 months later and i am not sure if i should just be gracious and thank her kindly, or start a war titled “Chanel-gate.”
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mom (57F) gave me (30F) graduation gift 3 months after i graduated nursing school. she kept saying she was sending me my gift but it just never came, until…
on the phone the other day she was bragging about getting my girl cousin and really pretty dress and a bunch of other things for her high school graduation. i said “wow, i haven’t even got anything from you!” to which she said “what?? i dropped that off weeks ago. i’ll check the tracking.” then she proceeded to try to gossip about my kid cousin, the same mentioned above and was picking apart her body, her face, her outfit in an innocent picture that my cousin sent her. i politely told her i don’t want to talk about this person like that and the convo was promptly ended by her.
two days later, i get a package in the mail.
i open it – it’s a faux chanel purse, and it’s a bad one. I’m not even against fakes but this one is truly not even close to good quality. also, she USED the thing!! it’s fully been worn in and the corners are bent.
she also gave me a puzzle. i have never have had an interest in puzzles whatsoever. no card.
i’m not sure why but it felt like just a bizarre gift. i want to give her the benefit of the doubt but she spends tons of money on herself. this is definitely a pattern, she has always given me hand-me-downs of hers as gifts or items she waited to long to return after deciding she didn’t like them. she also gives me old candy (i’m talking expired for years).
would i be the a** if i just told her that was an odd gift? it’s truly been bothering me. and the no card thing from my own mother on my COLLEGE GRADUATION is just a little weird.
A little bit of background here: she lives at her parents colorado home with no bills. She gets a healthy alimoney check from my father, her ex, monthly, and has for 10 years. she doesn’t work.
she is obsessed with how people view her, always has to drive a nice car, wear nice clothes and won’t leave the house without makeup on and done up to some degree. she had told me to go to med school all throughout my nursing school journey and prior.
TLDR: my mom sent me a used faux chanel purse as grad gift 3 months later and i am not sure if i should just be gracious and thank her kindly, or start a war titled “Chanel-gate.”
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) the action i took is not thanking my mother yet for her gift. that action might make me an asshole because it makes me look ungrateful and rude. should it come up, i want to tell her my true thoughts but does that make me a jerk?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Come on, you’re 30 and acting like you’re half that age.
Gonna have to go with YTA. You’re sounding a little ungrateful and entitled. You’re not owed a gift of any description in my opinion. I could maybe excuse that of a teen but not of an apparent grown woman.
Don’t think anyone is the asshole. It’s bizarre sure but dont think its worth making a stink about.
I mean, yeah it was a bad gift. But generally from an etiquette standpoint at least, and general adulting, it’s not suitable to demand gifts, ask for or about gifts, or criticize gifts received. You aren’t obligated to use it. Just donate it and move on.
You’re 30. Your cousin is a teenager. Grow up a little. I think you need to move past feeling entitled to gifts and expecting to ‘confront’ a gift giver over their gift being bad is AHish.
Getting bad gifts is a weird experience. You just say thank you and move on. YTA for doing anything else.
NTA. You wouldn’t be the asshole because thats a truly weird gift and not normal (no gift is better than one that is done with so little thought).
However, I wouldn’t bother confronting her if I was you. Your mother has a pattern of behavior that doesn’t look like its going to change. Perhaps, instead, you can recommend she make donations to a charity in your name for future “gifts” – if she does it great. If she doesn’t at least you aren’t stuck in the place of trying to pretend gratefulness for her unthoughtful gifts. Part of growing up is realizing that you can’t control things and finding ways to maintain your happiness despite. Your mom appears to be materialistic and selfish – and accepting that now will likely save you lots of future grief.
NTA. She took 3 months to pull something from her closet after boasting all three months that she had gotten you a gift? It seems like she said she got you a gift so her image wasn’t tarnished as the mother who doesnt care about her daughter’s achievements and after so long, she made it easy on herself by shopping in her own closet.
NTA
Text her you need the receipt, just that. From the sound of it, her wheels will keep on turning, and she will just make herself anxious. I would though just call her and tell her, you know what, just send me an appropriate card for the occasion, and we will never have to worry about gifts ever again.
Send it back. Tell her she must have confused YOUR gift with her pile of things to give to Goodwill!!
No one is the asshole. Put aside the bag and the puzzle. You can send them back to her on Mother’s Day!!!
Witha very nice card, of course.
Regift it back to her for christmas. No card. No explanation. When she says something just think oh i thought you sent it to me by mistake. I used fake hand me down isn’t something a lovely mother usually gives for a graduation gift.
Or I would post a post on social media gushing about your dad supporting you through med school etc. It’ll get round that you didn’t do one for her. Then when she asks I’d just say it’s hard to swing a lack of support and a used fake bag. How would you like me to swing that?
YTA. I could see being slightly irked about it but to be actually upset is wild. This must be those rich people problems because the only thing i got for graduation was a bill lol.
I think your feelings of irritation at the lack of acknowledgement from your mom are valid. But you’re an adult, let go of the gift expectations. Your mother sucks at giving you gifts, stop looking for them from her. Sounds like the gift she got your high school age cousin had as more to do with making herself look good as the actual event/person.
I don’t think you would be an ah to tell her it was an odd gift but it will either fall on deaf ears (she’ll hear what she wants out of it) or she’ll use it to be dramatic.
Stop engaging with her on it and buy yourself something nice. NTA
Tell her you think she must have sent her Goodwill donation by mistake
I dropped it off for you?
That was a sad little “gift”
ESH
Your mother shouldn’t have lied to you and dragged it out, she should just have admitted forgetting.
That said, gifts are not obligatory, even from your mother, even if you see her as living the easy life and only caring about her looks and public opinion. None of that matters to the gift situation. You’re not entitled to gifts and causing a stink over it is AH behavior.
Return the purse to her and tell her not to bother with fake gifts. Congrats on your graduation
YTA, let it go. My mom gives terrible gifts too, stuff she can’t return any more either, she doesn’t see anything wrong with it. It’s how she is and she’s not going to change. I just take the things she gives me that I don’t like to goodwill. Bottom line, you’re an adult, you aren’t owed presents anymore.
YWBTA. She sent you a gift and that’s the point. It’s a crappy gift, and she should be embarrassed, except you say that she’s been doing this for years. And you also say that she spends on herself, but it’s clear to me that she won’t spend anything on you.
I’m sorry that your mom is like this. You’re not alone: a famous Hollywood actress once sent her daughter a birthday present and Christmas present: a pair of gold hoop earrings, one in each box. That was a middle finger to her daughter. I think your mom is more thoughtless than vindictive, but maybe I’m wrong.
ESH. you’re a 30 year old woman, you shouldn’t expect fancy gifts and i think that complaining won’t do you any good.
HOWEVER, she is in fact your mother, and to give your daughter a shitty gift like that is awful and she is too grown to be living with her parents and relying on them like that.
ESH.
You shoulda gotten a better gift from your own mother for such a monumental life achievement.
But… Wanting to confront her about it and expect a gift for living your life and bettering yourself isn’t exactly reasonable either. You didn’t graduate for your mom’s “good job”… Your gift is being able to get a job in your career field. No one owes you anything.
Send them back
What’s the outcome you’re seeking — an explanation? Shame? This post is ostensibly about a bad gift, but the real problem is that it sounds like you just really don’t like your mom. And that’s what you really need to deal with.
I would make a Facebook post and tag her thanking her for the gift of a used purse and puzzle for your graduation. Embarrassed her, lol
Accept graciously, donate it.
Def not worth any fight over. Do not mess with your relationship with your mom. [My mom passed away way too early, thank goodness we were always good with each other]
It is an important relationship.
Grow up! You are 30 years old and your mom doesn’t owe you anything. Get over and move on.
Lol if she’s obsessed with how she looks, post it on social medial tagging her. “OMG mom! Totally worth the 3 month wait for my graduation gift. A cool faux Chanel purse that you’ve already worn in for me, and a puzzle I’ll never make! #blessed #loved “
NTA. However, what are you hoping to achieve by confronting her about the gift?
You admit that this is a regular occurrence for her. Bringing this up isn’t going to necessarily change her behavior. She will continue to prioritize herself as she has for the last decade.
As for why she would encourage you to go to medical school and not congratulate you for it? Well, she feels SHE looks good that her daughter was successful. She won’t spend money on you because she doesn’t feel the need to impress you. She takes for granted that you’ll always be there. This is why she’ll get your cousin a gift and not you.
I’m not saying don’t bring it up but I am saying know what your end goal is, because to get her to appreciate you and congratulate you in a real way is going to take a lot more. It’s more likely you’ll have to go no or low contact before any change happens.
Keep it and gift it back to her for christmas.
YWNBTA, maybe do a thank you Facebook post and tag her in it, just got my grad present from mum…. And a photo
Sounds like you’re going to the butcher shop for vegetables. They only have parsley. From
What you’ve said about her it’s unrealistic expectations at this point making you miserable. Grieve who she is and the little she can provide.
If she “dropped it off weeks ago”, she can’t check the tracking. 🤷
You really value objects more than family?
YTA. Let it go.
Cool. Christmas present for mom check
YTA. This isn’t worth a confrontation. Donate the gifts and move on.
I think the problem is that you are making it about the gift when it is really about:
A) you are disappointed in her saying she will do something for you, and then not following through. You don’t deserve this, but the fact that the post revolves around the gift is offputting.
B) She doesn’t know you well enough to get you something you care about (even if it is small.)
You are going to have to accept that your mom does things to make herself look good. That is not your fault, you did nothing wrong. Saying she will get you something, and talking it up, makes her seem like a good mom who is celebrating her daughter’s accomplishment. The lying about sending you something says it all. She can’t even pretend to have forgotten “whoops, I’ll get that in the mail right now, sorry”.
She’s emotionally immature and her parents are still enabling that. You should stop chasing her love, take a step back, and work on learning how to grow beyond what she will ever be.
NTA but don’t bother saying anything. It won’t matter. She will gaslight and invalidate you further and make herself the victim. Maybe it’s time to
Go low contact.
NTA. I can’t stand getting a bad gift. It tells me the person who gave it didn’t know enough about me to give me a good gift. Pawning trash off as a gift is terribly rude. The mother is self centered and clearly doesn’t like her daughter. So not the asshole. The mom is the asshole for being a bad mom.
Me? I would just send it back and tell her she should keep it.