Gonna try to keep this short. I 17(f) have a younger sister 14(f). Over the past year or so I’ve noticed habits regarding eating that my sister does, but most recently it has definitely gotten worse. She barely eats, works out a lot, and when she does eat she picks at it and takes off the “bad” parts like bread. Both my sis and I were definitely on the chubbier side when we were younger, I mention this because she frequently states “I can’t believe I was that fat” or “I’ll never be that big again”. She has told me she is glad she is no longer a size medium and constantly saids she looks obese. Just today I noticed she took something out of the fridge to eat and saw the calories and put it back saying “it’s too hard to make”, in an attempt to help her she got incredibly defensive and said she didn’t want it anymore. She’s noticeably lost weight too and I did similar things when I was her age and while my mom pointed it out she also just turned a blind eye. There’s no way she doesn’t see the signs.
So we go to our physician in august. I’m really contemplating saying something to them in private about it but I don’t want to hurt my sister in doing so. I mean if they see a significant decrease in her weight chart maybe they’ll say something but honestly I feel like it may just be chalked up to her growing and getting older. So WIBTA if I told the doctor?
edit: It seems theres a lot of conflicting responses. Trust me I know I’m not a doctor but i’m just really worried that’s all.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
Gonna try to keep this short. I 17(f) have a younger sister 14(f). Over the past year or so I’ve noticed habits regarding eating that my sister does, but most recently it has definitely gotten worse. She barely eats, works out a lot, and when she does eat she picks at it and takes off the “bad” parts like bread. Both my sis and I were definitely on the chubbier side when we were younger, I mention this because she frequently states “I can’t believe I was that fat” or “I’ll never be that big again”. She has told me she is glad she is no longer a size medium and constantly saids she looks obese. Just today I noticed she took something out of the fridge to eat and saw the calories and put it back saying “it’s too hard to make”, in an attempt to help her she got incredibly defensive and said she didn’t want it anymore. She’s noticeably lost weight too and I did similar things when I was her age and while my mom pointed it out she also just turned a blind eye. There’s no way she doesn’t see the signs.
So we go to our physician in august. I’m really contemplating saying something to them in private about it but I don’t want to hurt my sister in doing so. I mean if they see a significant decrease in her weight chart maybe they’ll say something but honestly I feel like it may just be chalked up to her growing and getting older. So WIBTA if I told the doctor?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel I WBTA because maybe im just overreacting and its not as big of a deal as I’m thinking. I also don’t want to hurt her more by saying something.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
you would not be the asshole. this behavior is concerning, and could indicate eating disorders. you can broach the subject with your doctor, however keep in mind your sister may deny anything is wrong
NTA, your sister kinda sounds like she has an ED/body image issues and She probably should get help for that. Your sister is probably gonna be mad tho. It could get dangerous if left untreated.
[deleted]
NTA at all, PLEASE bring this up to the doctor. EDs can be deadly. Probably ask the Dr to not disclose that you raised the concern, so your sister doesn’t misdirect anger at you.
NAH.
I think telling the doctor privately is a good idea. They know how to handle these things carefully and can help if there’s a problem. It’s better to speak up now rather than wait and hope things get better on their own. Your sister might not realize how serious this is, and early support can make a big difference. You’re doing the right thing by looking out for her.
NTA. 14 is a really turbulent age for self-image (particularly for girls) and it’s probably better for the doc to know. There won’t be fireworks and balloons or anything, the doctor will just probably low-key order some tests to confirm it and use that as the basis for the diagnosis, leaving you out of it entirely. But they can’t help if they don’t know.
YWNBTA. These are very serious symptoms that should be addressed but I’m not sure a doctor is the best route. Especially if it’s just your GP. I would try to talk to your family about it or even your sister. Provide any support you can. Comment positively and don’t use any fat shaming or body shaming language around her. Challenge it when it comes up. Don’t count calories. Don’t contribute to the system of this very real societal issue, especially around her. You may not be able to change her habits completely but she will actively see her older sister challenging the norms
Soft YWBTA. This is clearly coming from a place of concern, but you aren’t a parent and you aren’t a medical professional. Spend your Dr visit discussing your own health. The Dr is going to weigh your sister, and check her height and compare it to where she was and where is she in terms of averages for her age/height. They will order blood work and other tests if needed and if problems are found the Dr will discuss it with your sister (and maybe with your parents although a 14 year might actually have a right to complete medical privacy in some countries). It is not as if the Dr can discuss your sister with you, that would be a breach of her medical privacy.
YWBTA
You are a child yourself and need to leave this to the adults. If you want to talk with someone about your observation, you need to talk to your parents. It is not your place to speak to a physician about your sibling in this way and they will tell you that.
Also physicians are well aware of eating disorders and will be checking in with her if need be.
Treatment is extremely difficult and these behaviors are often rooted in unhealthy family dynamics. Reporting in to a doctor about this may be just the sort of thing that is at the root of the problem. Just stop.
Be there for her. Give her positive reinforcement. Speak to your parents. But do not pressure her because you will just make it worse.
YTA. You are not your sister’s parent.
NTA
That’s textbook eating disorder, and you have every reason to be concerned about your sister’s health.
Your doctor can’t discuss your sister’s medical care with you without violating HIPAA (unless you’re her guardian, and even then it depends on state law).
But YOU are not prevented from informing the doctor of this information so they can have a necessary conversation with his patient about this.
Just don’t get your hopes up that the doctor will get through to her. Many ED sufferers are not aware that their behavior is pathological, and the doctor may not be able to convince her otherwise. He may refer to counseling or similar, though, because while a GP can treat the physiological consequences of ED, ED’s are a mental health issue, and that’s kind of outside a regular doctor’s expertise.
YWNBTA for being concerned and bringing it up, but understand that 1. you’re a minor, not her guardian and 2. the doctor can’t really act on the information or discuss it with her due to privacy laws. Bring it up to your parents, they have to be the ones to handle it.
YWBTA – even if somehow you magically get the pediatrician to go down this path (which is highly unlikely), this is work for a therapist. If you need to say anything to someone, you have to turn your attention to your parents since they will need to arrange for your sister to see someone trained in this area. And by speaking to the pediatrician, you will torch your relationship with your sister. Hell, you did similar things at your sister’s age. What did you do to get through and come out the other side?
NTA. Tell the doctor, tell a teacher, tell any trusted adult who could help. You would rather have a mad sister than a seriously ill sister.
I would tell a Doctor. Your body attacks muscles for protein when you starve yourself. The first things to go when you starve yourself is muscle mass, then it moves on to other things and fat. Things your organs need to function. So she is scerwing up her body right now, which will amke maintaing a healthy weight in the future, much more difficult.
Also, working out and not eating enough is quite literally, one of the fastest ways to get injured (especially long term) because you are over excercising.
She has (or is starting to have) an eating disorder. This needs to be taken care of now especially since pro ana bull and pro limia bull are rampant on socials and specifically targeting certain age groups in women. So that on top of her own self esteem issues are no bueno.
NTA. But have you tried taking to your mother about this? That seems like the logical next step. Eating disorders can be debilitating and even life threatening. Early intervention can prevent a lot of problems.
If there’s a health or safety situation you are concerned about with your sister, you are right tell an adult you trust. Always.
Be prepared that the medical staff probably can’t give you details if anything is acted on. That’s not a commentary on whether you did the right thing. It’s just health privacy law.
YWNBTA
You’re a good sister for being concerned about her.
NAH
Your younger sister is developing some worrying behaviors, possibly ED, but while you’re justified to worry, it’s not on you to fix her. IDK if a medical doctor is the best person to tell, they likely can tell if there’s something wrong, but your sister’s not gonna listen in a 15 min visit anyway. If she has developed an ED, she needs directed therapy.
Pay attention to how your mom or relatives talk about your sister’s (and your) body/clothing – correct them hard if it’s at all negative. Try to figure out her social media sources, celebs, etc – they’re all on ozempic and are unrealistic plastic bodies, it’s especially damaging for a teen but she might not realize that. Reinforce her current and past self as beautiful and positive, “I can’t believe I was that fat” = “no, you were so cute!” This is definitely a situation where she will recoil and double down, so it’s your job to be supporting and talk with your parents/ friends, but not directly push for her to change.
NTA. Read up about Orthorexia. It might be that or just anorexia. Either way, please mention it to the doctor.
>Orthorexia nervosa is an emerging and controversial eating disorder characterized by an obsessive preoccupation with healthy eating and an extreme fixation on food purity.
NTA. Consider talking to her first though
You are absolutely NTA for saying something to the doctor. I’m 62F with 2 adult children and I strongly feel you are looking out for her.
Have you tried having a serious conversation with your sister about this? Would it make more sense to try and get her to talk to her doctor with you as support instead of behind her back?
NTA you should tell your doctor any concern you might have in regards to your sisters health. They don’t see y’all’s everyday life and her habits. The way she’s eating and acting could cause her to drop weight more drastically in the future and you helping them catch it now could help prevent that.
In high school I had a friend whose mom was a pediatrician. She didn’t notice her daughter required hospitalization for anorexia until my mom pointed it out. Not everyone notices this sort of thing so you absolutely should tell your family doctor about your concerns.
NBTA, a decent doctor will note the weight loss and hopefully ask if it’s intentional. You’re both old enough that you should get pulled aside for private teen conversations, and that would be a time to disclose. Please know that while you can tell the doctor, patient privacy rules still apply to siblings so they probably won’t tell you anything.
I wouldn’t.
It’s really well intentioned but this is not just a simple thing as a doctor knowing and helping. If anything, this could lead to doing the exact opposite in helping.
I think you may want to take this up with your parents actually and how to approach it gently to her with empathy and without any threats.
People with anorexia do NOT want to be found out or discovered, it’s rooted in extreme shame and trauma.
Doctors play an important role but a small one. You have to start with her first and safely help create systems. Going behind her back won’t help, please ignore the advice of those saying otherwise in this thread (I have worked with some people in this field)
NTA. I had an eating disorder for years and I was absolutely lying to my doctors about it. They can’t really force her to get help but with the facts they’ll be able to guide her to it if they’re any good.
Say something now, your sister has an ED or at the very least is well on her way to having one.
This isn’t something you wait on especially with her age.
NTA. Of course, you should confide your worries to the doctor. He or she might decide she’s fine or they might intervene and get her on a healthier regimen.
YWNBTA
Speaking as someone with a background in mental health, it is very important to make sure that you speak with your parents, and the family physician regarding what you’ve observed about your sister’s eating habits, and self talk about weight gain.
Disordered eating is first, and foremost, a mental health concern, and if not addressed early on, can turn into a lifelong problem. Which can result in several significant physical health side effects.
NTA
You’re telling the doctor in confidence in the best interest of your sisters health. I would just ask the doctor to not mention it was you (not sure if they can or can’t if you’re telling them during your own appointment.) They can take it from there. 🩷
I worked for a family doc and patients do this A LOT when it comes to family. By you having the convo with the dr, it will allow him to observe her and ask her proper questions to see if she really has an issue. He will also make it appear that he came up with this all on his own, not you telling him.
It seems like you love your sister and want what’s best for her. In the meantime, I would not bring up her appearance unless she asks. And then be cautious with your answers. Good luck!
As a kid, you probably have seen Eugenia Cooney on Tiktok. You WNBTA if you saved her from….THAT. And this is how that starts. She wouldn’t thank you for you telling the doctor, not right now. But when shes STILL ALIVE AT 30? She will. Do it. She needs someone to care enough thst they step out of their comfort zone.
People in the comments saying it is a breach of privacy is making me laugh. You are 17. Your sister is 14. It would be a REAL breach of privacy if you were both over 18. Tell you doctor. Please. I am begging you. EDs are so very dangerous, especially on young girls. You could be stopping something before it happens or gets worse.
would you rather have a sister mad at you for ignoring her privacy or a dead sister? EDs are really scary
NAH.
Sorry I realized I was wrong and deleted my comments, when I should have edited them.
I was too focused on the fact that it is the parent’s responsibility and not a sibling’s, to inform the doctor about a minor’s eating habits.
But you would not be harming ANYONE if you talk to the doctor.
You wouldn’t be an asswhole but can I warn you your sister will probably feel extremely betrayed and defensive and it may stop her coming to you in future with this. I would try and find a moment to encourage her to chat to the dr about it and if she says no explain you are really worried and let her know you’re going to bring it up. Making her feel as if she has a choice in how things go down will definitely make it easier
YWBTA — light yes to being this. There are so many different ways to go about this than just running to a shared doctor. Doctors have certain regulations they have to follow to protect a patients privacy and information. I understand that you are worried and it is very much ok to worry and care about your sister. Just a bit of caution because meddling in someone’s medical stuff and feelings can cause a lot of distrust and feel like medical 🍇 this absolutely can cause many problems. It sounds like even if this is a problem she’s not so under weight that it would be considered a problem at this moment. It may even get turned around on you if she’s a bit smaller “oh she’s just jealous” this whole thing will strain both of you more.
I would suggest 2 things depending on your relationship and what feels best. Sit down and have a talk and tell her about how you struggled or what you went through at her age. Ask her if she’s ever felt that or been going through it. Doing it this way you become an ally and someone to talk to and be closer with and as you grow up this is so important. Other option. Start cooking and making things together! If you want recipe ideas I can post them in the comments but take this and make it fun! Tell her you’ve found an amazing recipe for great brownies that taste amazing and are actually healthy! If she’s a carb or cream sauce lover tell her you’ve found a recipe to make Alfredo sauce you want to eat by itself and absolutely can without guilt because it’s just eating cauliflower give her the food and stuff anyone will crave and want to binge without the guilt. This absolutely can be a fun bonding activity for both of you to explore. You know you are guiding and teaching her how to be crazy healthy and eventually her food fears may go away. If they don’t go away away then you know she can eat properly without starving. She’s 14 it took me so long to find recipes and a healthy relationship with food so I didn’t have to battle what turned into an eating disorder. Tempt her with good recipes like next time let’s make ___ eventually she’ll start asking to make stuff or do it on her own and it becomes her idea and not something like her medical or personal boundaries getting stomped on and crossed. She will shut down and things will get worse if you ‘go above her head’
YTA
Talk to your sister.
“Hey, I noticed XYZ – are you doing ok?”
“Hey, I noticed XYZ – do you want to learn to make some healthy meals with me?”
“Hey, I noticed XYZ – mom doesn’t keep a lot of healthy options in the house, do you want to sit and make a short list with me to ask her to get?”
“Hey, I noticed XYZ – do you want to go on walks with me in the evenings after dinner?”
If she expresses the desire for help or feeling overwhelmed then encourage her to talk to her doctor. ED treatment only works if initiated by a patient who recognizes they have a problem.
NTA tell the doctor and maybe mention it to your parents as well
try to help build her up. this all starts w confidence. dont make it noticeable, but throw her a bone every now and then. “that color looks really good on you” or even “you look nice”. its small, and she may think youre mocking her at first if you dont normally do it, but it will help in the long run.
edit to add: dont push her. just stay by her side, you cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped. so wait. she will need it one day. for now, learn her safe foods that shes sticking to and make sure she always has some.
Maybe.
You never said she’s underweight, or weak or sickly looking. She’s eating less, working out more and doesn’t want to be fat. None of that is inherently bad.
The only thing in your post that indicates a problem is the anecdote about her saying something was too hard to make, but you think it was really about calories.
You have replies claiming this is “textbook eating disorder” but your post doesn’t contain any actual concerns other than a hunch.
NTA, and everyone saying this is a “privacy breach” is dead wrong.
Medical privacy and HIPAA laws concern the professional’s disclosure of information, not yours. If a medical professional were to disclose somebody’s information to you, that would be a breach of privacy.
Your sister is likely in crisis, and the responsible thing to do would be to inform her doctor. Healthcare providers are classified as mandated reporters, it’s literally in the job description to help people in crisis if they get a tip.