A while ago my family (mom, dad and older sister) and I (19M) went on a trip to Europe. We had been planning it for the better part of a year, watched all the travel vlogs we could, researched places to go, made itineraries, the works. My mom and sister especially put a lot of effort into planning the trip and did a really great job at doing everything.
A few days before the trip I had an appointment with my doctor. Without going into too many details, he referred me to a specialist because he thought it might be cancer. He said that it was probably nothing to worry about, but it was better to be safe than sorry in the case that it was cancer. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get an appointment with the specialist until after the trip. My family was great and super supportive, and promised me that everything was going to be okay. I really didn’t want it to ruin the trip.
I like to think that I’m a pretty chill guy. I don’t let a lot of stuff get to me and I can usually put things to the back of my mind and not think about them. This time, I was worried. Even though the doctor said it was probably nothing, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was really wrong. I was okay when we were busy because I could distract myself, but in any downtime I kind of spiralled.
Whenever we weren’t talking and were waiting in a line, or on a bus driving somewhere, or at the hotel or something I couldn’t stop spiralling. It started with convincing myself that it absolutely was cancer, then to what treatment would be like, then to that I was probably going to die and before I knew it I was planning my funeral. I know, it was super dramatic, but that’s where my mind went.
Here’s where I might be the asshole. To distract myself, I downloaded a bunch of books onto my phone and read any time I started to think about it, aka any time I was left to think. My parents noticed I was reading and asked why and I told them, so they left me to it for a little while, but then my mom and sister started to make comments about how I wasn’t ‘present’. I tried to tone it down, but I couldn’t get it out of my head so ended up reading like six books in the couple of weeks we spent in Europe. Eventually, my mom and sister took to clicking their fingers in my face and saying that I was not present again.
I want to stress that I would only do this when we weren’t doing anything, so I put the phone away for all of the activities and tours (or when my parents were letting me have a beer because the drinking age is like 18 in Europe) and stuff. I also made sure to put it away when someone was talking to me. It was just when I had enough time to think.
We got back and I had my appointment and it luckily wasn’t cancer. My mom drove me to the appointment and on the way home she said something like “I bet you feel stupid for not being present on our trip”. I told her how scared I was, but we got into an argument and she said I ruined the trip. So am I the asshole?
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A while ago my family (mom, dad and older sister) and I (19M) went on a trip to Europe. We had been planning it for the better part of a year, watched all the travel vlogs we could, researched places to go, made itineraries, the works. My mom and sister especially put a lot of effort into planning the trip and did a really great job at doing everything.
A few days before the trip I had an appointment with my doctor. Without going into too many details, he referred me to a specialist because he thought it might be cancer. He said that it was probably nothing to worry about, but it was better to be safe than sorry in the case that it was cancer. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get an appointment with the specialist until after the trip. My family was great and super supportive, and promised me that everything was going to be okay. I really didn’t want it to ruin the trip.
I like to think that I’m a pretty chill guy. I don’t let a lot of stuff get to me and I can usually put things to the back of my mind and not think about them. This time, I was worried. Even though the doctor said it was probably nothing, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was really wrong. I was okay when we were busy because I could distract myself, but in any downtime I kind of spiralled.
Whenever we weren’t talking and were waiting in a line, or on a bus driving somewhere or at the hotel or something I couldn’t stop spiralling. It started with convincing myself that it absolutely was cancer, then to what treatment would be like, then to that I was probably going to die and before I knew it I was planning my funeral. I know, it was super dramatic, but that’s where my mind went.
Here’s where I might be the asshole. To distract myself, I downloaded a bunch of books onto my phone and read any time I started to think about it, aka any time I was left to think. My parents noticed I was reading and asked why and I told them, so they left me to it for a little while, but then my mom and sister started to make comments about how I wasn’t ‘present’. I tried to tone it down, but I couldn’t get it out of my head so ended up reading like six books in the couple of weeks we spent in Europe. Eventually, my mom and sister took to clicking their fingers in my face and saying that I was not present again.
I want to stress that I would only do this when we weren’t doing anything, so I put the phone away for all of the activities and tours and stuff. I also made sure to put it away when someone was talking to me. It was just when I had enough time to think.
We got back and I had my appointment and it luckily wasn’t cancer. My mom drove me to the appointment and on the way home she said something like “I bet you feel stupid for not being present on our trip”. I told her how scared I was, but we got into an argument and she said I ruined the trip. So am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. On a family trip I kept reading books when we werent doing anything to distract myself from a potential cancer diagnosis.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Dude, your family kinda sucks. I can’t even imagine being more concerned with how I feel about a trip than if my family member has cancer. NTA
NTA
My kids are your age. I can’t imagine even having gone on the trip. I would have cancelled and been calling everywhere every single day to get in on a cancelation as soon as possible.
No way would I be enjoying a vacation knowing one of my kids could have cancer.
NTA. But wow, your family really sounds like unconcerned assholes. Is this level of unkindness normal for them? Do you have a history of catastrophizing, which would desensitize them (but wouldn’t excuse their behavior still).
(I say this as someone who was referred to an oncologist and DID have cancer and went through treatment… so I know exactly how scary those pre-diagnosis days are. Glad it wasn’t cancer for you.)
NTA. Even without this huge thing weighing on you. Nothing wrong with reading during wait times.
Not the asshole. It was you mechanism of coping so your parent should understand. Why wasn’t your mom concerned for you???
NTA. You were understandably worried and you were only doing it while waiting around, so it wasn’t keeping you from enjoying the trip or spending time with your family.
NTA Glad you don’t have cancer.
It was your vacation too. Getting mad because you were reading and trying to relax is ridiculous.
It’s not your job to provide constant stimulation to others. As an introvert I would hate being treated like that.
Nta but your family are dicks. Wow.
NTA.
It’s hard to imagine a family behaving like that and saying something like that. So first of all, I am sorry to hear that. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Health comes first and it should always come first. You can always go to Europe again anyways, it is not a “one time thing”, whereas something wrong with your health could turn out to be a one time thing pretty fast.
It is fully understandable how concerned you were and they should have supported you much more. Glad to hear that it is not cancer. Best of health to you for the future!
NTA. First of all very glad to hear it was a false alarm and everything is ok, but I’m sorry you had to deal with that stress. Secondly, man, your family is awful.
You could have had CANCER and your family was upset because they thought you were… killing the vibe? I’m sorry but that is disgusting.
It’s one thing to try and help distract you from it to make you feel better in that moment, its another thing entirely to disregard your coping mechanisms and force you to do what they want to make themselves feel better. And then the audacity of saying “I bet you feel stupid” after getting the news it was a false alarm? That is sociopath behavior. You just got probably some of the most relieving news of your life and her immediate reaction is to guilt trip you about “ruining” the vibes of the vacation?
If anything you should be MORE of an AH, if my family did that to me they would never hear the end of it. “Empathy for Dummies” books as everyone’s Christmas gifts, “hey remember when you told me I was overreacting when I had a cancer scare?” every time they complain about any minor inconvenience, I’d be going scorched earth after something like that because what the hell???
NTA. Your mother’s comment…is at the very least insensitive.
NTA but your Mother is. To be honest, if this happened to me, the trip would have been cancelled and my kid would have been put first. Firstly i’m glad you are well.
You didn’t say if you had to wait for an appointment until after the trip as nothing was available or that you were told by your mother that the trip couldn’t be cancelled and you’d have to go on the holiday and then see a specialist when you came back. If it’s the latter then the woman is truly a sociapath.
You both argued after the appointment and were told that you had ruined the trip, no thankful words, no relief from having to worry about you throughout the trip from her, or any words of kindness at all?
And if worse case scenario it had been cancer what then? Your epitaph on a Gravestone saying ‘ He ruined our Trip’ … good grief!!
It really depends on whether this is a pattern of yours. Debbie Downer is insufferable on trips. Don’t be Debbie Downer.
NTA. Not even remotely! If you were seeing the sights, participating in activities, and chatting with your fam. Who cares how you spend the rest of your downtime on holidays? I do a fair amount of travelling. Just sitting and doing nothing in a new environment is part of the fun. On top of this, your fam should be supporting and comforting you during such a stressful time. Instead of snapping their fingers, why didn’t anyone think to check in with you, ask how you are doing, offer a hug, make light small talk to distract you from spiraling? I hope you are doing ok and have other more supportive people in your life.
NTA. Your mom called you stupid because you were concerned about cancer???
If anything, your mom and sister ruined the trip for being so concerned if you were ‘present’.
NTA But your mother definitely is. She wasn’t facing cancer; you were. You needed a distraction, and she didn’t help you at all. She just criticized you, which didnt help. She’s probably just not a compassionate person and it would help maybe to forgive her. But don’t take her criticism into your heart because she is wrong.
NTA. Even without a cancer scare, if you were only doing it in your downtime, where’s the harm? No one can be perfectly present all the time. You still saw all the sights. You didn’t ruin the trip.
NTA. You were reading to distract yourself, participated in the activities and you did your best to not let yourself spiral. I’m sorry you had such a scare, and I’m sorry your mom and sister were such unempathetic AHS.
NTA, I’m glad to hear it wasn’t cancer and I’m sorry that you had so much anxiety leading up to meeting with that specialist. Being anxious about a potentially serious and life altering diagnosis is perfectly normal, and people manage it in different ways. If they wanted you to be present, then they could have helped distract you.
It would not surprise me if, once the air clears, it turns out she was also very worried about you, which impeded her own enjoyment of the trip, and now she’s projecting her complicated feelings about the good news onto you. It’s not a rational response, but it is a human one, and regardless she owes you an apology.
I’m glad everything turned out okay. ❤️
NTA—finding a healthy distraction is exactly what you’re supposed to do to quiet negative thoughts. I’m sorry your family couldn’t be bothered to worry about you.
NTA…. you’re 19 and were told you might have cancer!!! Of course your mind kept spiraling…. your family’s job was to help keep you from spiraling by distracting you in any way possible as often as necessary!!! Constantl benign chatter, comments to look at this or look at that as soon as they see you start getting quiet and thinking to much.
Wow you were present during activities and were reading and not even mindless scrolling. You are very mature for your age, sorry about your mom. NTA
NTA. I’m glad it turned out not to be cancer. One of the scariest phrases from the doctor is “It’s probably nothing, but…”
I give your mom a Y T A, however.
I wish people would stop saying one person doing something minor that is easily overlooked “ruins” their trip, wedding, birthday, etc.
It’s not the person reading or wearing glasses or being “too quiet” who ruins things. It’s the controlling harpies who screech about it incessantly who ruin things.
(Doesn’t apply to obvious assholes who wear white or face-smash cake, of course)
NTA, and I’m sorry that your family is reacting like this. Your reaction is totally understandable.
Tell your mom, “A potential cancer diagnosis ruined the trip for me. I was trying to deal with my fear and anxiety without being disruptive. I’m sorry that dampened your enjoyment, but I think crying or talking about it would have been a bigger fuss and a worse situation for you. Please stop discussing it with me.”
If she continues, come back with, “In the end, I did the best I could, and your disappointment is your emotion, for you to deal with. Please stop discussing it with me.”
Consider going to a therapist once or twice to help you process the experience.
Also, six books is a totally normal number to read on a two-week vacation. NTA, glad you are OK!
NTA – and good use of reading to distract you from excessive worry. ANYONE would be freaking out during the wait to see the specialist.
NTA. I’m glad it’s not cancer and I’m glad you found something to try to distract yourself when you were worrying. Your parents should have been comforting you and letting you have your own way of dealing with that scare. The time waiting for a specialist and the time waiting for your fears to be confirmed or denied is exhausting for everyone involved.
NTA. I’m surprised that your parents weren’t also as worried as you were about a possible cancer diagnosis. Are they usually so wrapped up in themselves that they just DGAF? I’d also be out of my mind with worry about you & trying to find ways to keep you distracted once you told me that was why you were reading so much. Holy cow. I just can’t with some people. You did nothing wrong. Your family though, wow.
NTA. I think you handled it well.