My husband (28M) and I (27F) come from two different cultural backgrounds. My husband was born in China and moved to America, where we live, as a teenager. He came to live with his aunt.
As a result of this, I almost never saw his mom except through video calls. I had seen her in person only at major milestone moments where she flew from China to see him. I also saw her when I studied abroad in Beijing. I do like her, she is very nice. However, we saw each other in person about 5 times before she moved in with us.
This is a cultural norm for my husband, but not for me. Nevertheless I was happy to do it. I have become advanced in spoken Chinese and I have spent years studying both the language and the culture. I am pregnant and will be giving my son a Chinese middle name and raising him in the culture. My MIL will be watching him when I go back to work. In return she lives with us and we cover all of her expenses.
My MIL has lived with us my entire pregnancy. This is not at all how I wanted things to go and I thought we’d agreed she’d move in closer to the due date or after the birth. But I swallowed this because she’s doing us a huge favor and I genuinely am grateful.
The problem is that she is, well…not making my pregnancy pleasant. She is constantly giving me comments about how I shouldn’t be drinking cold water or eating cold food because I will kill my baby. She thinks he will die if I am too happy, or too Anything. I have gently told her that constant feedback of this type makes me anxious but it has not stopped. I am triggered by it as I have had a prior miscarriage and she knows it. I do my best speaking Chinese with her, but she often enters the room and interrupts a conversation my husband and I are having to speak to him in a dialect I don’t speak. I know she’s talking about me because I recognize my name in this dialect.
It has gotten to a point where my husband and I went three months without having sex because I didn’t feel comfortable with how often she’d keep coming around the corner. She’s rather demanding of my husband’s time and everything’s always very urgent. She invites herself on our dates. I have desperately tried to be a good daughter in law and I desperately want her to not resent her only child marrying outside of his culture, but in truth, I am struggling. It’s had a very negative impact on my marriage to the point where we started counseling. My husband doesn’t want to be the middle guy, which I respect, but I do wish he would stand up for me or set boundaries. Recently I was in the ER for a scare with our baby and he spent the entire time texting his mom because she was freaking out about it. Not comforting me, who was also freaking out.
She left about two weeks ago to visit her sister. I have felt so much more relaxed and it’s like an overnight switch with my relationship with my husband. Back to frequent sex, back to feeling comfortable. The reason she went to visit her sister is because their mother is sick. Grandmother in law (GIL) ended up needing to be placed in a nursing home. My husband and I suggested to MIL that she remain down there until baby was closer to birth so that she could visit GIL more often and so we could have more of our own space. She ignored this entirely and told us she’s coming back in two weeks.
I am empathic to her situation, I truly am, and I feel terrible that I’m so upset. But I am grieving the pregnancy I wanted to have. This is very bad for my mental health and for my marriage.
I don’t know what to do. It feels like nothing I want matters.
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Your husband needs to speak up and set major boundaries with her. After all you guys are the ones helping her out immensely. You are covering all her expenses she should respect you that’s a no brainer. You need to have a serious convo with your husband bc when baby is here it’ll only get worse.
Tell Hubby it’s not working. His response will tell you whether it’s worth staying. He shouldn’t be the ‘middle guy’ – she’s his family and he should be right out in front telling his mom to stop torturing his wife. This may be perfectly fine in her culture, but it is not fine in yours. You don’t have to put up with it, because you can walk away. And he shouldn’t put up with it, for that same reason and many others.
This will get a billion times worse once your baby is born and she will not respect your parenting decisions or boundries. Good luck to you but this is only going to get worse. Is she expecting to be in your delivery room? You need to set up real boundries.
He needs to think he will lose you if he doesn’t do anything. Go live with your parents, sleep in another room, stop washing his clothes, cooking his meals. He needs to know you are extremely serious. Do not be a doormat, this is the hill you die on!
OP, do you have family? If so, go stay with them and have the baby there. If you and your husband end up divorcing, you won’t be able to move with an existing child. But you can go while you’re pregnant.
Consider it a break from your MIL, so as not to stress out the baby. But you may just find that you prefer it better there. Or, if she gives up and leaves, maybe you have your house back. There’s no way to know how it will go, but I do know that living with her is going to affect your pregnancy, your very vulnerable postpartum, and eventually your parenthood.
Don’t let her put you in a backseat to your own life.
Well, as long as you don’t speak up for yourself, nothing you want will ever be considered. Talk to your husband. Explain to him how you are disrespected in your own house, when his mother enters the room you’re in and start speaking in a language you don’t understand. She can and should speak a common language.
While you say you want your child raised with the culture of your husband, do not forget your own. You, and your husband, together, decide what goes in your household. Not your MIL. Not your MIL and your husband.
Don’t suggest to your MIL she stays elsewhere longer. Tell her. If she enters the room and interrupts the conversation you have with your husband, tell her. If she starts speaking a language you don’t understand, tell her. And if she doesn’t alter her behavior, call her out. She will not like it, which is fair. You don’t like how it is now in YOUR house, and her happiness is as important, if not more important than hers (especially if you’re pregnant).
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My husband doesn’t want to be the middle guy, which I respect, but I do wish he would stand up for me or set boundaries. Recently I was in the ER for a scare with our baby and he spent the entire time texting his mom because she was freaking out about it. Not comforting me, who was also freaking out.
Your husband doesn’t have to be the middle guy, he needs to stand by you. That does mean forsaking his mother, as he did when he spoke his vows. His mother is an adult, and should deal with her emotions herself, while he cares for his wife with an actual physical emergency.
Cultural norms are a powerful thing to overcome, not just for your husband, but also for your MIL. She expects a lot more respect from you simply because she is older and that is the norm in her culture. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t mean well, or that she is not capable of change. But you do need to speak up for yourself, and at least carve out a bit of space for yourself, and space for your nuclear family. That will be a tough sell to her, as you have clearly chosen the (for her) traditional multi-generational household.
What you have been doing the past months, stepping aside and silently suffer all boundary stomping is not going to work for the next 20 years. Find common ground. Get your MIL some activity outside the house as well, so you have time to spend with your husband as a couple. The biggest plus of having an extra adult in the house is that there is childcare available. Use that to do the things YOU want.
You may need to give your husband an ultimatum. You DO NOT have to live traditionally as your husband was raised. You CHOSE to adopt this lifestyle. He has failed to support you. His mother has failed to act decently. Using her dialect to talk about you – in any culture that is rude.
Your husband is allowing his mother – who ignores your wants/needs – to control your home & lives. If he refuses to stop, then refuse the situation and your MIL’s presence. Point out that he is not in the middle – he’s enabling a bully.
If you do nothing, nothing will change. I guarantee that as annoyed as you are now, pales in comparison to how it will be once the baby is born.
stop worrying about how she feels because he married outside his culture. Start thinking about your culture. Is this how women are treated in your culture?
husband is not in the middle. He chose to make a life with you. So, he should choose you. Period.
no one tells me in my own home, they ask. Home is your safe place, if it makes you uncomfortable, you are not safe. But is a non starter.
Shut her down each and every time. Be rude if necessary. “what did you say?” “Sorry, we are busy right now.” Husband needs to do this also.
And realize that free childcare is not free. N
OP you just need to tell him, if she comes before baby is born, I’m going to my mums. no ifs or buts
tbh you should have at least the first 2 weeks post birth by yourself and partner. if your mum could come, that would be nice. but not the person who stresses you out in that extremely vulnerable period. I’m worried that you will develop severe pnd if subjected to that kind of stress at that time.
tbh in your place I wouldn’t allow her to live with me ever or long term care for my child. her parenting style will be totally different to yours and what you are experiencing now will be nothing compared to the problems you will have with her caring for your baby in ways you find unacceptable.
best she remains living in China and you manage with usual childcare options
If she comes back, you will be miserable. If you think it’s bad now while you are pregnant, just wait until that baby comes.
What “huge favor” is she doing you? She’s moving into your house, all expenses paid, and gets to watch your baby all day, every day. Even if that wasn’t her dream as a grandmother, she’s getting paid handsomely to do so. There is no favor there. At best, it’s quid pro quo.
Also, husband is telling the wrong person he doesn’t want to be in the middle, and he’s not in the middle. He’s coddling and entertaining her crap, allowing her to talk about you IN YOUR HOME, IN YOUR FACE, IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE, which is like insanely disrespectful. He spent time in the hospital with his extremely worried wife, who has already lost one pregnancy, and chose to spend that time consoling her. He is not even close to being in the middle and what he is saying is that he wants you to suck it up, for his comfort. That is not okay.
You need to speak up and force your husband to do something. You keep saying he refuses to do it. Don’t give him an option. This is going to get so much worse after the baby is here. You need to tell him that things change and he handles his mother or he loses you and his marriage. If you can afford to house and feed another person can you not pay for childcare or even for her to live somewhere else and still help in your home?
Honestly though if she is crossing all these boundaries now will you really be comfortable with her listening and abiding by the rules you put in place for your child? Especially if she believes all of these wives tales she might also have beliefs that are outdated about infants and could cause harm to your baby.
Nothing you want does matter. Welcome to the rest of your life and worse if your husband doesn’t get his priorities straight and/or get some counseling.
Free childcare is never free. And do your really want this looney toon more or less raising your child? Cause you know she’ll take over. And she’ll put all her fears and superstitions on them.
“Recently I was in the ER for a scare with our baby and he spent the entire time texting his mom because she was freaking out about it. Not comforting me, who was also freaking out.”
Did you bring this up in therapy?
You are never going to meet her “needs” without making yourself miserable. I think you should get comfortable with the idea that she is not ever going to get along in the way you may have previously imagined.
“H, I can tell when you speak in <dialect> you are talking about me with your mom. For the record, I would NEVER talk about you with anyone, even my parents. My trust in you is eroding.”
This sounds like a hugely cultural thing. I’m not saying that excuses her behaviour but there are likely expectations that you are not familiar with despite learning the language.
Has your MIL talked to you about confinement post birth? I get the feeling that is something she will push on you post birth and if her suggestions during pregnancy already aren’t helpful…
If your relationship is transactional (she’s providing childcare) AND she lives with you I think this will be very difficult going forward.
Is there any way either (or both) of those things could change?
Really consider whether you want her taking care of your baby. Will she follow the rules and routines you put in place? Or do what she thinks is right? Another thing to consider is her physical capabilities. I think a lot of new parents don’t consider whether their parents or in laws are actually capable of safely doing things like walking while caring a baby. Or even getting on the floor and chasing after a toddler! This may not be a viable option long term.
I highly recommend getting on some daycare center waiting lists so you can have alternative child care lined up. If you don’t end up using a daycare center you just lose the registration fee (usually like $200). But if you make that decision last minute and don’t have a spot lined up you’ll have to deal with scraping together some kind of childcare solution or will be stuck with your MIL.
You have a husband problem.
If you don’t feel supported now it will only be worse once the baby arrives. Maybe MIL means well, but your needs shouldn’t be neglected in favor of her comfort. Your husband supporting his Mother, instead of his wife in the hospital, is the dealbreaker here.
Talk with your husband as you two needs to be a unit before MIL comes back. You also need to decide if you are willing to live this way for the rest of your life. If not, tell your husband what needs to change and ask if he’s willing to make those changes.
Ugh, this sounds like absolute torture.
Something is going to have to give, or your marriage is going to implode. I get “cultural norm,” but that shouldn’t mean you having to just play nice while MIL acts like this.
This might sound extreme, but would it be possible to upgrade your living arrangements, and have MIL in a separate MIL suite? That way she has her space, you have yours, and you have more leverage to enforce your boundaries. If you can establish this, she needs to not just be walking in whenever, she should be checking to see if it’s a good time. And she needs to accept being told no without getting an attitude about it.
She also needs to quit with expecting everything to center around her every whim. That trick with walking in on a conversation and derailing it, especially using a language that cuts you out, is flat out rude. The fact that you can tell that she’s referring to you while you’re standing right there, makes it that much worse. Your husband needs to be holding firm on that bit as a bare minimum. “Mom, we’re not going to stand here talking about baby-totoros with her standing right here. If you have something to discuss, ask her yourself.” And if it’s more of that “can’t do basic nonsense or it will hurt baby,” he needs to shut that shit down. “Our doctor says that’s not a concern, we’re not discussing it further.”
It isn’t ok that your husband’s cultural norm supersedes your own culture norm.
I think you should stop being ‘grateful’ and start thinking carefully about what you’re in for if she is the live-in childcare. She will be making the decisions on childcare and expecting you to go along … that much is obvious, even without baby here yet. She will not be taking your parenting direction but instead demand your acceptance of hers.
Please stop ‘desperately’ trying to be a good DIL and start thinking about what this woman is doing to your marriage. Husband doesn’t want to be ‘the middle guy’ and he shouldn’t be in the middle — he should be managing his mother. Be honest with yourself … Husband is quietly hoping you will go along with whatever his mother wants. Is this the life and marriage you want?
Living with her and having her care for your baby is NOT going to work. Send her back, now!
Please, send her back. Tell husband you’ve had a taste of what the future with her looks like and you are not going along with it. Was this your husband’s plan to begin with? MIL isn’t doing you a ‘huge favor.’ Rather, she is housed and paid for, she has unlimited access to her son and she’ll soon have unlimited access to her grandchild. Who is doing the favor here? I think she’s thrilled to be in control, of everything!!!
And Husband needs to stop allowing her to interrupt conversations and speak in a dialect you do not understand — that is beyond rude and your Husband is allowing it.
Couples counseling may help but more importantly, Husband needs work in recognizing the toxicity of enmeshment.
Please update us — you have a long road ahead.
On the cultural argument, let’s assume that culture says you should revere, respect, and honor your elders. Let’s assume that it is culturally normal for the mother, especially if she is not partnered, to live with her oldest son where her daughter-in-law will be expected to care for her for the rest of her life. After all she’s earned it right? She raised a wonderful family and made lots of sacrifices. This results in multi-generational households where the elder mother is very involved and enriches the lives of her son, her daughter in-law, and her grandchildren passing down recipes, rituals, spirituality/religion, holiday traditions, etc.
All good right?
…but record scratch, what happens when MIL didn’t actually raise her son into adulthood? What happens when the MIL turns out to be abusive? What happens when the MIL tells her post-miscarriage pregnant DIL that she’s going to kill her unborn child with cold water? What happens when the MIL denigrates her DIL to her son in a language DIL can’t even understand? what happens when MIL interrupts her son and DIL while they are having sex? What happens when MIL insists her needs are met before anyone else’s?
Is it in MIL’s culture that she should abuse her DIL? Is it part of MIL’s culture that she denigrates her DIL? Is it part of MIL’s culture that she should ruin her son’s marriage? no, I don’t think it is.
We have got to stop using culture to justify abuse. “Culture” only works when both sides follow the social contract. This MIL is not doing her part. social contract broken. OP, please do not take on the burden of this social contract when your MIL is the one who broke it.
Your JNMIL is the other woman. It’s only going to get worse. Get rid of her, or get rid of them both, it’s the only option.
If your husband is stuck in the middle he is failing at marriage. Have him re-read your marriage vows carefully; he should be supporting you in all things and put no one before you.
You’ve got a husband problem. He needs to be reminded that he’s not supposed to be in the middle, he’s supposed to be on your side as YOUR his wife. He’s supposed to be supportive especially right now as stress in the mother is bad for the baby before and after birth. His mother being your childcare doesn’t give her free reign to be rude to you
She is already trying to take over your pregnancy, and your marriage. Do you really think she won’t take over your baby when they are born? That’s what I’d be talking about in counseling… that you’ve had your privacy taken, your bonding time with your husband, your autonomy to be able to make decisions about what you eat and drink and do without constant critique… how is this healthy for you or your marriage?
Start sending her to her room. Tell her she’s bothersome and it’s time for her to go to her room. And to shut up already.
You made a huge mistake in letting her live with you without knowing her.
Either she leaves or your marriage is over. She isn’t the type of person you can live with and allow to influence your child and come out of it with positive feelings.
Sorry this Happened to you
This isn’t your responsibility to fix, it’s your husband’s. You’re growing an entire human in you, the least he can do is deal with his mother. He should be clear about boundaries. And rethink the whole living situation with your MIL in general.
If you’re struggling now, imagine how you’ll feel when you’re post partum and trying to get to grips with motherhood and newborn life. Your mental health needs to come first.
I hate to say it but if you don’t grow a spine and lay down some serious boundaries when this baby comes your MIL will be raising it. Your husband is never going to stand up to her. You need to make a choice here. YOU will lose your child to her over this !!!
I would be really concerned that MIL will become the primary parent to your child. I would quietly set up a ‘plan b’ about where to go and what to do when your child arrives if she tries to stop you bonding with your infant properly. Your husband needs to understand the seriousness of your situation and the risks to your marriage if he doesn’t learn to manage his mother better.
Is there any way possible that YOUR mother could move in for a few weeks after your son is born so that way your mom can put his mom in her place and be there to be a support for YOU. And if not your mom, another family member, such as an aunt or a friend, who you know will be a support and backup for you?
What effort has your husband made to your language and culture? He also ignored you while you were in hospital to comfort his mother.
Probably time for some traditions to end. If she’s not a positive in your life and marriage then she can’t be allowed to stay.
Like, it’s 2025. Culture evolves and adapts to modern living and relationships. Notice how MIL isn’t traditionally having GIL live with her so MIL can look after her? SIL took that on? So are you eventually expected to look after MIL in old age when she didn’t do that for her mother? Makes you think.
Unfortunately, if she’s saying old fashioned things as advice during pregnancy, it’ll be the same when your baby is here. And, this is an awful way to start motherhood, with having someone critique every thing you do.
Your husband definitely needs to nip things in the bud now.
Your family of 3 (husband, you, baby) is half Chinese, half your culture. It is important that your culture is honoured too. And, times change. Many things that were done when our parents had kids are considered dangerous now. Eg I was a chucky baby, so advice was lie me on my tummy to sleep. That’s now considered dangerous.