My 75 year old dad has recently begun hormone therapy to treat his prostate cancer. According to a men’s health specialist doctor that my sister recently dated, cardiovascular complications are far more likelier to kill my dad than the cancer itself if he goes on hormone therapy. He will have to offset this risk by eating super healthy, completely cut out alcohol and do high intensity exercises such as weightlifting and anything involving cardio to stop his muscles from wasting away from the lack of testosterone. It’s worth clarifying that I am not here to seek medical advice for my dad – I am here seeking advice on dealing with mum’s abusive behaviour towards my dad. She has spent decades shaming and degrading my dad for making poor health decisions such as eating fatty and sugary food and drinking whenever he has the day-off from work. I am aware that my dad eats fatty, fried and sugary foods such as cakes, doughnuts, sausage rolls and fried chicken at least semi-regularly. Whether these are incredulous exaggerations or legitimate observations remains ambiguous to me. I am aware that my dad doesn’t work out but I am also unaware of how physically demanding his skilled labour job actually is, that being a hospital orderly at our city’s hospital – a job that my dad has been in for well over 30 years at this point. Whether he gets enough exercise for his age is something that I can’t fully verify as I am obviously not around him 24/7.
My default position regarding the health issues of close friends is that I like to be hands-off as much as possible. I have one close friend who has had problems with alcohol who mentioned to me a few years ago that he was aiming to cut down his drinking to thrice a week and only stick to red wine (long story short, he never achieved that). Unless if he explicitly asked me to be his accountability buddy, I didn’t feel it was my duty to intervene and query and police his lifestyle habits. I also have another friend of mine who is short and scrawny whom I personally feel would benefit from lifting weights, yet I don’t feel it’s my place and duty to give him unsolicited lifestyle advice. I am very ambiguous regarding my father however. He is very complacent and is someone that is very conflict avoidant. He insists it is better to “walk away” when mum has abusive tirades, which has not solved shit in the nearly 30 years I have spent alive. My mum has a number of other bones to pick with my dad: buying sub-par products, allegations of blowing money on sex workers and church, being reckless with payments to trades people for recent household maintenance, leering and chatting up young East Asian women online and IRL (I can confirm this is at least partially true).
I am rather pessimistic at this stage. I think his toxic, sorry excuse of a marriage is irredeemable and hasn’t made him a better person and I don’t think it’s going to help him fight cancer and other health ramifications and complications that may stem from it. I have asked him several times already whether he has considered getting a divorce and moving out but he seems to be more concerned with convenience and complacency than making drastic changes in life. My mum is paternalistic at best and belligerently controlling at worst. Neither of these attitudes are going to enable anyone to avert health crises in whatever sort of relationship. Worst of all, there doesn’t seem to be any support from our extended family (at least to my knowledge). Our relationship with my dad’s extended family is rather superficial and our interactions go only as far as catching up at special occasions such as birthday parties, wedding anniversaries, weddings and funerals. Our relationship with my mum’s is non-existent because 1) sheer distance – they live far away in my mum’s home country and 2) there is a language barrier and 3) intra-family dysfunctionality on their part.
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Hey, I just wanted to say how sorry I am you’re going through this. It sounds like you’re carrying a lot—your dad’s illness, the emotional dysfunction in your parents’ relationship, and the uncertainty about how much to get involved. That’s a massive emotional load.
Your instinct to be hands-off with friends makes sense—respecting people’s autonomy is important—but this situation seems different, especially since your dad is both physically and emotionally vulnerable. It’s not just his health at stake, it’s also the environment he’s living in, which sounds toxic and unsupportive when he needs stability the most.
You’re not responsible for fixing their marriage, but you can be a stabilizing force for your dad. Just being there, showing compassion, maybe even gently encouraging him to take care of himself—not in a judgmental way, but more like, “You deserve to feel better and be strong for yourself.” Sometimes just having one supportive person can help someone break out of that emotional paralysis.
As for your mum’s behavior, it’s okay to name it for what it is—abusive—and also acknowledge that change probably won’t come from her. But you can set boundaries with her if she’s being destructive around you or your dad.
Lastly, maybe don’t give up on the idea of external support. A social worker at the hospital he works at or even a men’s support group might be able to give you some resources or emotional backup.
You’re in a really tough spot, but the fact that you’re thinking about this and looking for insight already says a lot about your character.
What you are describing is painful and complicated, and it makes sense that you feel pessimistic. You’re watching your father deal with cancer while trapped in a toxic marriage, and you feel powerless to intervene. The fact that you are even seeking advice shows that you care deeply for him, even if you can’t change every part of the situation.
This is a lot to carry alone. Adult children of dysfunctional families often feel like they must “rescue” their parent.
Your dad may never leave your mum. He may not radically change his habits. But you can decide not to get consumed by their dysfunction.
Have you thought about joining a support group or seeking therapy for adult children dealing with toxic family systems or caregiving for a sick parent?
My mother drove my old man to the grave during this process because all she was worried about was her dream house she was building