I cant keep going anymore, its really starting to be too much

I already typed this once and it didn’t post, and maybe thats a sign. I can’t even vent here. Left to deal with everything by myself till the bitter end. I’m struggling with a lot in my life my family, my friends, my relationships, my job. All of it. I try to do big and little things in my life to bring any sort of happiness to myself. I got a car, I’m starting a business doing something i enjoy, i treat my self once a week to various things. But no matter what i do it just feels like fleeting moments and then everything just comes bearing down on me again. I’m tearing up as i write this. I can’t talk to anyone about these feeling i’ve tried and i just get ignored. Even though everyone tells me they’ll be there for me. I’m overworking my self in hopes of distracting me from everything going on but it just doesn’t seem to help anymore. I really just want this to end, im tired of this numb feeling in both my head and heart. I feel like i lost the will to keep going. Like my eyes lost that spark that made me who i am. I try to be the person everyone wants me to be but in doing so i’m losing track of myself at this point. I feel bad because I don’t want to offload all my pets and projects solely on to him, so i’m trying to find someone i trust to take over for me. But we also talked and i told him to sell off whoever it’ll be okay. I just cant keep doing this. I hate this feeling and i hate myself. I pushed away the only woman i will ever truly love. She meant the world to me and honestly even it was all my fault. I should’ve never been scared of committing myself to you, i just had so many conflicting feelings with growing up with my parents and watching their relationship, your cheating on me really hurt me too i was scared it could happen again and honestly was thinking about my own feelings, i wanted so hard to be happy either you but it was hard. You never truly understood how difficult that drive was for me up to three times a week. It was a lot, especially the drives home by myself at that time i almost crashed several times thats why i wanted you to spend the night with me instead. Then when i moved and finally got a bed for us to share. I built my life for two and you brought that down before it could happen. And you were right to do so. We were both struggling and neither of us were helping the other. A lot was my fault. But when i first met you i truly meant what i said i really don’t wanna live without you. I hated my last relationship and it made me realize what i lost. I love you and i always will. This isn’t some 10 step plan bullshit Dave Strider (if you ever see this i hope you’ll know its you thats what you went by when we first met in English class, i still remember that day all these years later. I still remember sitting behind you all the time in english every kiss we shared, i remember everything good and bad), and i swear it never was, it was me just trying to be honest with you for once. I love you and always will. I really hope you’re happy you deserve it after the life you’ve had. Whelp this is about it i’m in the process of finalizing my things in my personal life, and getting what i need once i do i’m
out ✌️