Myself (30F) and my partner (27NB) are professional musicians.
On 25/10/25 we have a gig that’s an all day type festival thing. Since this is the first gig that my parents had a chance of actually attending, and with my sister having recently finished high school, we queried if they wanted to come see it. This was posed back in May when our gig was confirmed.
Back then, we stressed to them that the week leading up to the event would be stressful for us, and that those dates aren’t dates that we are available.
Important to know is that my partner has chronic fatigue, and that we plan meticulously around that to ensure that they can keep their professional commitments and promises.
My mother and I spoke yesterday, 29/7/25 and she said they were interested in booking 22-26/10 and were currently looking at plane tickets to do so.
My heart immediately sank, because my mother is very intense on the “let’s do things together!!!” when she is visiting.
I reminded her of the previous conversation, the chronic fatigue, and that we would be busy with rehearsals and final preparations/checks on those days, such as packing vans, ensuring all instruments and tech are perfectly set up, and organising our merch for the gig.
She reacted negatively, exactly how I knew she would.
Couldn’t we just hang out during the evening, we could go out to museums before rehearsals (opposite end of where we would need to be), sightseeing, going to the beach would be relaxing, etc.
I gently, but firmly, reiterated that we are not available those dates and suggested that they look at the dates I had discussed with my dad, 23-29/10 instead. That would give them time to land and decompress from flying and would give us a few days after the gig to do all the things she wanted to do.
She got upset, stating that she would have to use two days of holiday, instead of one, started complaining about how my dad doesn’t take his holiday in the summer, so he has a lot of holiday left, but she does not.
I emphasised with her situation, but also held firm on the boundary that 22-26 are days where we are not available. I explained that if those are the days they are coming, it would potentially be “hello” and “goodbye”, at most it would be brunch in the mornings but that we would be unable to join any of her usual sightseeing.
She ended the call with a parting statement of “well maybe we just won’t come at all then” which broke my heart, because I really wanted them to come see our gig and I was really looking to seeing my dad.
Am I the asshole here for setting and maintaining this boundary?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
Myself (30F) and my partner (27NB) are professional musicians.
On 25/10/25 we have a gig that’s an all day type festival thing. Since this is the first gig that my parents had a chance of actually attending, and with my sister having recently finished high school, we queried if they wanted to come see it. This was posed back in May when our gig was confirmed.
Back then, we stressed to them that the week leading up to the event would be stressful for us, and that those dates aren’t dates that we are available.
Important to know is that my partner has chronic fatigue, and that we plan meticulously around that to ensure that they can keep their professional commitments and promises.
My mother and I spoke yesterday, 29/7/25 and she said they were interested in booking 22-26/10 and were currently looking at plane tickets to do so.
My heart immediately sank, because my mother is very intense on the “let’s do things together!!!” when she is visiting.
I reminded her of the previous conversation, the chronic fatigue, and that we would be busy with rehearsals and final preparations/checks on those days, such as packing vans, ensuring all instruments and tech are perfectly set up, and organising our merch for the gig.
She reacted negatively, exactly how I knew she would.
Couldn’t we just hang out during the evening, we could go out to museums before rehearsals (opposite end of where we would need to be), sightseeing, going to the beach would be relaxing, etc.
I gently, but firmly, reiterated that we are not available those dates and suggested that they look at the dates I had discussed with my dad, 23-29/10 instead. That would give them time to land and decompress from flying and would give us a few days after the gig to do all the things she wanted to do.
She got upset, stating that she would have to use two days of holiday, instead of one, started complaining about how my dad doesn’t take his holiday in the summer, so he has a lot of holiday left, but she does not.
I emphasised with her situation, but also held firm on the boundary that 22-26 are days where we are not available. I explained that if those are the days they are coming, it would potentially be “hello” and “goodbye”, at most it would be brunch in the mornings but that we would be unable to join any of her usual sightseeing.
She ended the call with a parting statement of “well maybe we just won’t come at all then” which broke my heart, because I really wanted them to come see our gig and I was really looking to seeing my dad.
Am I the asshole here for setting and maintaining this boundary?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I might be the asshole, because we could technically make the time to see them, it would just be not great for my partner. I was really looking forward to seeing my dad as well, and I know he was also looking forward to the visit.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA You have a shiny spine and used it. It’s unfortunate she won’t budge. I’d go lc/ nc with her. You should not be the only one facing consequences.
NTA, your mom doesn’t understand your boundaries, and the dates you picked includes days after your gig so you could spend time with your parents, its on her i’d say
NTA; you are trying to be focused on your gig and on your partner’s well being. Your mother does not seem to “get it;” or possibly, she thinks that her extra day of vacation is more important than your scheduling.
However, this is an invitation, not a summons. Your mom has every right to decide not to come for any or for no reason, You might want to focus on, at least, getting your father to come so that someone from your family is there to see, and to record, the event.
NTA this is your job it is not a hobby it is not for fun you gave your mother to the dates that you would be available for them to visit.
And it sounds like your mother is more interested in doing what she wants to do rather than actually visit and is upset that you won’t put your job or your partner side to do what she wants
tbh if it comes up again and she pulls that well we might as well not come then I would respond with that sucks but I understand perhaps we can have a different time to visit in the future
You set clear reasonable boundaries and offered alternative dates It’s not your fault she doesn’t respect them.
NTA. I think if I was you then I would just tell both your parents how you feel one final time. Something along the lines of it would mean a lot you if they came on the dates that you mentioned because they would see the gig and also you could spend time with them. It would be nice if they could see the gig but unfortunately you will not be able to spend as much time them before hand because unfortunately you will be preparing for the gig which is a lot and it means a lot to you so you want to go as well as possible. Tell them you will be disappointed if they dont come but you will respect any decision they make and then leave it there. At least you have put your feelings out there in a clear and concise way. What they do with that is on them… and what you do as a result is on you.
Best wishes for your gig, hope it goes well and your parents are supportive 💙💚💙
NTA. You are allowed to say these are the days that suit. She’s allowed to say that those days don’t work for her. It’s obviously very disappointing to think that you won’t get to see them. I suspect she’s testing your boundaries to see if you will budge. I would just let her have time to cool off and have a think about her priorities. If she wants those dates, she won’t be getting quality time. I think you need to be prepared for her still booking those dates and trying to pressure you when they’re over. So keep reinforcing your availability to anyone coming on those dates, especially before they’re booked. I would let your dad and sister know as well.
NTA You are doing great!! You may not always get the full result you want but you must still be firm about your needs and capabilities.
Stay consistent and over time she will either learn or you’ll have to limit contact.
A good phrase to repeat “that doesn’t work for us”. I tell passive aggressive people things once, then gently remind them “Just a reminder that that doesn’t work for us.” Then the third time “Since I explained to you that this can’t work for us, and I already reminded you about our schedule, it seems like maybe you are intentionally planning something that you know will cause a difficult and unpleasant situation. Did you want us to be exhausted and stressed?”
Long run, she’s probably just selfish and wants you to put her wants above your partner’s needs but you can be firm and not be the victim of it. Once she figures out you are not a good mark, she will go pick on someone else. Compromise with her and you’ll regret it for a lifetime.
NTA
Your mother is annoyed that she can’t control you. She’s refusing to compromise but demanding that you do. It won’t impact her holiday if she can’t see you but it could significantly impact your partner if you do meet up and she’s unwilling to take that into account. I would suggest not speaking to her about it again, if she brings it up simply say “You already know those dates don’t suit, nothing has changed on my end. Are you willing to change your dates because if you aren’t there’s nothing to talk about”. And I also wouldn’t bother meeting her if she sticks with the original dates, she can’t control everything and she needs to know that.
Absolutely NTA. You were clear on the dates you could be available and your mother ignored it. You didn’t say you would have no time for them, just that it needed to be after the event. It’s extremely rude of her to expect otherwise, just because it’s more convenient for her.
NTA. As long as you dont give in to her, she doesn’t have control. Stay firm, you’re doing the right thing even though it hurts.
NTA- and I have a few reasons. one you have to plan not only around the gig and the dates you have set up, but also to keep in mind your own limitations.
Also Even though she is upset you had these planned at least a month or so in advance and told her about it so she could plan too. Then she springs it on you like you hadn’t told her. Which again you kept to the limitations you had set. Not just for yourself, but for what you are doing.
(after reading the OP)
Still NTA Even with being able to make the time, it doesn’t give her the right to step all over the boundary you set just to make it so you have to make the time to do so. As you had given her the time to make the plans so things lined up so you could spend the time together without stepping over the lines to get there. your boundaries and emotions on this one are valid. just because some else says jump in the middle of what you are doing “Doesn’t” mean you have to.
nta
NTA I don’t get it if my adult children tell me no I can’t those days I say ok what dates work for you. They don’t even own me an explanation. Your mother is making drama for nothing
She’s playing the “my way or the highway” thing. She is also trying to manipulate you to bending to her dates by threatening to not come at all. If she is going to act this way, perhaps they should come when you are not as busy. These dates are now going to be sore spot for her and you are going to be too busy to play damage control
NTA.
It seems to me that your mom just doesn’t care about your partner. Like at all. She doesn’t include your partner in her plans, she doesn’t care about their wellbeing, or the fact that they need to recover and decompress from the gig. She just thinks that she wants to spend time with you, and with not your partner as well.
No, definitely NTA. I’m a parent of performers: I’d change my plans at the slightest hint that I might be an inconvenience. The time for your parents’ proud moments was when you performed as a school student. As for wrecking your preparation, no, no, no!
Has your partner been going the therapy for thier ‘chronic fatigue’. That’s more often linked to mental health issues rather than underlying issues. I ask because that seems so extra to have to schedule around I think you’re both TA. Your mom for not being flexible and you two for being melodramatic.
NTA
Oh, absolutely a massive jerk move to expect your parents to work around your super stressful professional musicians’ glamorous schedule, especially when your partner’s chronic fatigue means you’re running a mini music festival marathon. I mean, who wouldn’t want to spend their precious evening going on museum trips and sightseeing expeditions while you’re busy packing vans and checking merch? Unreasonable to politely suggest they just pick dates when you’re free and not stuck in rehearsals. And your mom’s dramatic ‘well maybe we just won’t come at all then’—classic Oscar-worthy performance there. Saying ‘bypass mom, talk to dad’ is the way to go if you want to avoid another round of vacation sabotage.”
NTA.
You set a boundary and she tried to bulldoze right over it. Regardless of the very good reasons for your boundary, you don’t actually need a reason; a boundary is a boundary and she ignored it and succeeded in making you question yourself.
NTA. But why can’t dad come without your mother? They are adults and presumably can travel alone.
NTA at all. You wanted her to come support your music and she’s trying to make it a vacation. You and your partner don’t have time. She needs to stick to the original dates and stop trying to guilt trip you. Good on you for sticking to your boundaries