For context, I am a highschool student currently. I am very involved in extracurricular activities: I volunteer at 2 organisations regarding elders and justice-related work, especially debates, but I also volunteer for festivals and such.
I want to highlight the fact that nobody helped me get where I am and al the work I did was 100% my own merit without external support. I just wanted to do something with my life and put many hours in building my experience and portfolio.
My problem starts with the fact that people started to recognise that I am a very involved person and I know how to market myself in order to be accepted to programs such as Erasmus+ exchanges and others that are fully funded by the E.U. but also minor positions in organising teams for small projects.
One thing that I didn’t expect was that people really close to me and other people I know started being weird to me. I have 3 examples for this kind of behaviour and I need some external points of view for this.
- One time I got accepted for a 3 day program in Bruxelles funded by the EU thru one of the NGOs that I volunteer at. I was really happy and so I called one of my closest friends in order to tell them what happened because there were only 3 places available for this one. FIRST thing she told me was “why didn’t you also tell me so I could sign up”.
My heart dropped instantly. Well mind you, she hasn’t volunteered in her life and has no interest in doing so, but she only wanted the “vacation” that came with it.
At that time I didn’t know what to tell her butI basically tried to switch the topic because I was very uncomfortable with that response
- Recently I got accepted for a camp in regards to the legal system made for teens. I did not tell anyone because of what happened in the first story and so I only told people when I knew I was accepted.
One of my oldest friends replied to the announcement that was published on the official account of the organisation that organised the camp and asked me if I can also “take her” there next year… .exact words) When I suggested that she sign up next year just as I did she ignored my messages and only replied to me when I sent her a tiktok.
- In may I went on an Erasmus+ project basically for free in Spain for a week, during school time. I Couldn’t have peace for about a month because people that I’ve only talked to like 2-3 times came to me to ask me how I did it and asked me to send them links to sign up.
I am really annoyed at this because spent days looking for methods to sign up and links on Facebook and so on, but people just expect me to give it to them directly
I feel really conflicted about this because people expect me to just give opportunities to them on a silver platter, when they’ve done nothing to help me or anything like that, but because they’re my friends I can’t in t outright reject them and I also want them to work for these things, just like I did.
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For context, I am a highschool student currently. I am very involved in extracurricular activities: I volunteer at 2 organisations regarding elders and justice-related work, especially debates, but I also volunteer for festivals and such.
I want to highlight the fact that nobody helped me get where I am and al the work I did was 100% my own merit without external support. I just wanted to do something with my life and put many hours in building my experience and portfolio.
My problem starts with the fact that people started to recognise that I am a very involved person and I know how to market myself in order to be accepted to programs such as Erasmus+ exchanges and others that are fully funded by the E.U. but also minor positions in organising teams for small projects.
One thing that I didn’t expect was that people really close to me and other people I know started being weird to me. I have 3 examples for this kind of behaviour and I need some external points of view for this.
My heart dropped instantly. Well mind you, she hasn’t volunteered in her life and has no interest in doing so, but she only wanted the “vacation” that came with it.
At that time I didn’t know what to tell her butI basically tried to switch the topic because I was very uncomfortable with that response
One of my oldest friends replied to the announcement that was published on the official account of the organisation that organised the camp and asked me if I can also “take her” there next year… .exact words) When I suggested that she sign up next year just as I did she ignored my messages and only replied to me when I sent her a tiktok.
I am really annoyed at this because spent days looking for methods to sign up and links on Facebook and so on, but people just expect me to give it to them directly
I feel really conflicted about this because people expect me to just give opportunities to them on a silver platter, when they’ve done nothing to help me or anything like that, but because they’re my friends I can’t in t outright reject them and I also want them to work for these things, just like I did.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I gatekept information regarding how to sign up for multiple events for volunteers.
2. Because I should help other people but I think I was selfish
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
>people expect me to just give opportunities to them on a silver platter
INFO: Is telling someone how to sign up for something giving them “opportunities… on a silver platter”?
To me it is not. To me this would be very easy and quick: “Just go to website X and click link Y and fill out form Z”. Big deal. That isn’t you handing them an opportunity. It is you answering a question.
It sounds like you are a good kid with a good work ethic. Do you know what happens to people with good work ethics? They succeed at life, and then people who have more trouble doing so come to them and ask them how they did it. That is what is happening here; your peers recognize you as someone with their shit together, and they are trying to emulate you.
Sure they don’t see the effort that goes into it, and sure they probably think that they’d be able to do the same. But, they won’t be able to. So, what is the harm in telling them how to apply for things? Be a mensch, give them the info, let them fail, enjoy your life.
I mean, in the first case you could have just said something along the lines of “oh, I’m sorry, it’s only for people who volunteer through this organization. I can help you register to volunteer for next year though!”
As for the others, I would say “Hey, I would love for you to come volunteer with me, and then you can do it too!” And give them the link and then they have the responsibility to do the rest. Once they realize there is work involved, I suspect the issue will end.
Why not head the problem off this year and say “Hey friends, some of y’all have expressed interest in joining the volunteer activities I do to have some cool opportunities to travel too. If you’re interested, I would love to have a “volunteer day” where I can help you learn how look for volunteer opportunities you’re interested in! We can have a volunteer party!” And then schedule a day, and if they show up good on them and good for you.
Not everyone knows how to be a self starter. You can help guide people to find opportunities for themselves, without having to actually do all the work. It’s good practice, and I’m sure the places you volunteer for would love to hear how you’re working to recruit more volunteers!
NTA. Your friends are immature high schoolers, which is to be expected bc you’re all high schoolers. You’re the exceptional one. They may not have the maturity to recognize how truly next level you are.
Well, you don’t need to bring them along on your trip. And it’s not your job to tell them about opportunities like that. But you could easily send them the links to sign up when they ask. They’d still be doing the work to apply; it’s not like they’d automatically get in after signing up. That third one isn’t a big deal; all they’re asking for are the links and then they’ll do the rest. It sounds like you pride yourself on being the only one to do these things and you don’t want them to do it too.
NTA, it sounds like if they did the minimum amount of research, they could have found these programs and opportunities themselves.
NAH. Just answer honestly and say, “I’m a very ambitious person, and I didn’t want any more competition than I already had.” If they want to pursue opportunities like this, they need to put in the effort to research them rather than waiting for someone to hand them over on a silver platter. The true gatekeepers are the program directors who sift through the applications award them.
That having been said, if you don’t want random people coming up to you to ask for more information about these programs, maybe quit bragging about your participation in them. It’s only natural for people to want to follow the same trail that you’ve blazed when they’ve seen where it leads. If you don’t want to be a leader, then don’t try to lead.
NTA; however, don’t confuse “opportunities” with accomplishments.
If someone asks for a link so that they, too, can apply for something, it’s no sweat for you to graciously provide it to them. This is their opportunity to apply. However, in light of how little effort those individuals put into finding the link in the first place, they probably won’t apply and, thereby, waste whatever small chance they might have had to go. == And IF they happen to apply, they will be nowhere nearly as qualified as you are. After all, you put in the time and effort that made the organization in question select you to go. Your friends are simply not as competitive as you are.
Opportunities as easy to share. Being chosen takes a whole lot more.
ESH- I guess, but only a little bit.
Them- because they apparently only want to volunteer, if there’s a ‘vacation’ involved.
You- In your last paragraph you call these people your friends. It’s odd that you’re all about volunteering and helping others…unless they’re your friends. It’s not your job to tell people about the opportunities you’re applying for, but refusing to send links, when they ask, because you didn’t get help, so why should they, is not very giving.
NTA. Take them out for coffee and walk them through all the baby steps you went through to get where you are. Let them know that there isactual work involved. They may find causes that they believe in and get involved. I would really deliver the message that you have to contribute before you get opportunities.
NAH – Congratulations on working had and cultivating amazing opportunities for yourself. As a HS student though, are you really surprised that other students want to get in on it? Especially if you are calling all your friends to talk about your next trips. I would very strongly suggest that when asked you say ” XYZ is an amazing place to volunteer. Here is their website”. You do not have to help them apply, nor will they get picked if they have zero resume to back their application. It’s also natural for someone (of any age) to say “I’ll hop in your suitcase – or OMG how amazing – I would love that”. It’s not a slight on you – it’s them realizing they are missing out on some really cool things. So, take a breath, don’t be so defensive, and perhaps you can nudge your friends into the entry point to begin their own charity work. I’m assuming – as they are your friends – they have some good qualities that may be an asset to some of the volunteer opportunities available.
NAH – But I also think you are taking their responses too personally. Especially in the third case. These people likely just learned this sort of thing is possible, so they are asking. It is neither offensive nor an insult nor trying to take something away from you. I find questions like that to be entirely normal and not excessive.
You can answer with “Sorry I signed up months ago and dont have those links anymore. I remember it took some googling, but they should be public.” or give links to them. As you wish. They are not asking you to fill out their forms or something.
I would treat the second one as a joke, but yours “you can sign up next year” was exactly the correct response.
I think you’re overthinking it. When people see someone having cool experiences, they are simply curious about how they can partake. Obviously they are missing the piece of the puzzle that involves the volunteering and charity work that unlocked these opportunities for you…they don’t know what they don’t know. It seems like you’re mad at them for making faulty assumptions or having genuine curiosity and interest, which I think is a bit AHish of you.
Maybe they are also AHish, if they know the work involved and somehow expect to have access to these opportunities without doing the work. If so it would be ESH for me.
I think you should learn some simple responses. Your heart didn’t need to drop when your friend asked you why you didn’t tell her about the opportunity in your first anecdote. That response makes you seem oversensitive and reactive. Why didn’t you just say “Oh well I only had access to it because of the volunteer work I do.” A single sentence clarifies it. For those who want to be ‘taken along’ you can laugh that off, and say something like “No guests allowed unfortunately. I was granted the opportunity after volunteering with the organization so that would be the best place to start if you’re interested for the future.” When people ask you how you got these opportunities, you should be prepared to explain. They aren’t AHs for simply asking, even if they are in for a big wake-up call when they realize how much is required to qualify.
NAH. It’s great that you’ve done so much, which creates cool opportunities for you. Your friends can be forgiven for not understanding what it took you to get those opportunities. You can tell them the steps, and chances are most will not follow through.
You also might find that you develop a new set of friends who are also doing the things you are doing. People you have more in common with. Nothing wrong with that.
NTA. I wish I had a solution to this. I told my best friend about a job at my company. He was going nowhere working hourly and a crappy job. Wrote his resume for him. He got the job, gained a career and worked there thirty years. Did he thank me? Never. Beyond that, as I continued to to climb the ladder he broke off our friendship after over twenty years. People suck. Get a helmet.
Gonna go against the grain here and say YTA.
This sounds borderline insufferable.
“Hey friends, did you guys know I work really hard, like, harder than all of you and did it all myself? Well, I’m going to Spain next week!”
“Wow, cool, where can I sign up?”
“Errr…”
Like, why not just give people the link and let them have the information about the opportunity? Like I feel like it doesn’t come from a place of good intentions at all, because I have to start thinking that the issue might not be that you’re “handing” them the opportunity, but that you’re afraid they might sign up and get in just like you did with half or none of the work, especially since a lot of programs often need attendees to retain funding, and if they’re obscure just telling somebody where to look could be half the battle.
It’s cool that you have a good work ethic, but when you stress the selfmade aspects of it, I have to wonder if what you’re doing is really about being involved or about yourself. Honestly, I can’t really say more without knowing more about you, but for some reason I have a gut feeling about this.