TW: Food weirdness / disordered eating (not mine)
Saw a post on here about a MIL body-shaming someone and it made me think of my MIL. I wasn’t gonna hijack the comments but I’m STILL thinking about her and her food weirdness, so here we go. I am so glad I found this sub because this shit is wild
I’m pretty sure my MIL has some kind of eating disorder. I try to say that with empathy because it’s clear it has dictated her entire life. But she weaponizes the hell out of it.
Their whole family is obsessive about food and “wellness” because of her. She and her husband both retired early, she was a quack pseudoscience practitioner (literally not even licensed where we live), he built up and sold a few fitness-related businesses but he’s fine. He’ll drink a beer. He’ll eat fries. She talks about bloat like it’s radiation. Both sons now work in fitness too.
She trained both boys herself. Like literally trained. Ran drills with them, designed their workouts, managed their food excessively as teenagers. Not in the way a mother cooks for her children. I’d bet money my BIL also has an eating disorder beyond the average “gym bro” shit
My husband is the golden child. Congrats to me. He’s the one who gives me shit for buying Diet Dr Pepper but will still take a sip when we’re out (“just a sip, babe” IT IS INFURIATING). Between him, MIL, and BIL, he is the most sane one which I realize is not saying a lot but also kind of is if you knew these people.
For context, I’m in good shape and active. I work out because I like how it makes me feel. But I also I eat what I want. I don’t spiral if I eat something “not clean”. Food is just food.
Meanwhile MIL cannot shut up about it. Every other conversation turns into some sermon about how “real women eat real food” which is always said with this little pity smile like I’ve ever once ordered a salad to impress anyone in this family. Ironically, BIL’s latest ex was extremely thin (shocker) but she never got the brunt of the sermons like I do.
It would be funny if it weren’t so fucking exhausting. She’ll order something performative that’s both “real food” and “clean” from the menu, nibble like a pet mouse, and then spend the rest of the meal poking around my husband’s plate like it belongs to her. I have literally seen her pluck a single crouton out of his salad with her fingers and pop it into her mouth like that a normal thing to do. NOBODY AT THE TABLE BLINKED.
She always has a glass of white wine, though. That’s the one exception. Food is strategic, wine is constant.
The worst thing, the thing that lives rent-free in my head, was this lunch last year. I was pregnant, we’d just come from an OB appointment she asked to tag along to (don’t ask me why I said yes), and we went out after. She ordered tuna steak and an herbal tea with some unhinged specification about the water being exactly 160 degrees. Barely touched her food. What she did do was ask my husband if she could try a bite of his burger.
Except she didn’t wait for him to cut her a piece (which already would have been weird IMO). She picked up the burger and bit into the exact same spot he had just bitten.
I need to be clear. I watched my MIL eat from the still-warm bite mark her son had left. While I sat across from them, visibly pregnant, but feeling like human furniture.
My husband didn’t even blink. I was the only one disturbed. I brought it up on the drive home like “I can’t believe your mom did that” and he looked confused. “Did what?” I had to spell it out. “She bit from the same spot you did.” He shrugged. “So? She’s my mom.”
That was a fight. He tried to frame it like I was the one being weird, said something like, “Are you not gonna share food with our kid?” And I told him yeah, not like that I’m not. Not when she’s twenty-four. And married. And expecting a baby.
Anyway, I’m happy to report he’s since returned to therapy and doing a lot better. This would never fly now.
Another time we went to a hockey game. FIL bought snacks for everyone. MIL took half a pretzel, made a little performance out of “indulging.” Then FIL handed popcorn to my BIL, who had pulled a muscle the week before. Not a big deal. She immediately goes, “popcorn? He doesn’t need salt. His body’s inflamed”
She said it like he was on death’s doorstep and the sodium was gonna finish the job.
The latest was earlier this summer. FIL is obsessed with his outdoor pizza oven and invited us for dinner one night. On the drive there I told my husband I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen him eat pizza in the 2 years I’ve known him. He denied that vehemently and when we showed up, he said, “hey, [OP] says she’s never seen me eat pizza, isn’t that crazy?” MIL immediately goes “he does eat pizza, just not gas station pizza”
She often uses “gas station” or “trailer park” as descriptors around me which I know are 100% digs. I believe this woman genuinely resents me for growing up poor and having the audacity to marry into her wealthy family.
Anyway, eventually she offered me the last slice. Smiled and said, “you’re not one of those salad girls, please, take it”
I had given birth less than four months ago.
I’ve thankfully never really struggled with body image or food issues but this hurt because I knew what she was doing.
My husband shut it down, to his credit. Told her, “Don’t talk to her like that.” She did her usual “Like what?” face. Same one he used to do before therapy. Then she launched into some unhinged rant about full-fat cheese and turkey sausage protein like she was writing a paleo cookbook out loud.
He interrupted and told her again, “don’t comment on what my wife eats.” She doubled down. “I wasn’t! I meant it as a compliment! I’m not a salad girl either!” Like okay. Fucking rich coming from the woman who takes 3 performative bites then hovers over my husband’s plate the rest of the meal. Eventually she crashed out and was like “god when did we all get so sensitive here”
It’s all projection. Or it’s control. I don’t know. What I do know is that she never just eats normally. Every bite she takes has to be someone else’s or be a performance. And if it’s not that, then it’s some whole monologue about “fuel” and “gut health”. She’ll literally monologue about the benefits of steak and red meat (knowing I don’t eat it myself, just preference) for women because of the iron, nibble hers, and then pick at my husband’s sides the whole rest of the night. (He wouldn’t let her pull another burger bite stunt but struggles with the picking/grazing boundary still at this point. Progress. I’ll take what I can get for now).
Anyway this is my super long rant about a toxic wellness/diet culture brain rotted MIL who makes every shared meal a personal level of hell we’re all invited to.
Advice/even snark (lol) on how to handle her in these moments welcome. I struggle with speaking up around her because I am a quiet person and she is very domineering.
No advice needed on her being around my daughter. I know exactly who she is. She’s a terrible influence for body image and diet culture, and yes, I recognize my husband has the capacity for that too. I know what needs to be in place when my daughter starts solids and gets older and can pick up on this food obsession. There will be boundaries. There will be distance. And there will not be another generation of salad girl rhetoric, not on my watch.
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Dh is deep in the FOG with this. Is he making progress?
Good Lord that woman sounds exhausting. I’m so sorry you’re stuck with that level of crazy! As someone who’s got a family on the other end of the food crazies spectrum, I don’t really have much to offer in the way of snark. The only thing I’ve found that works with people who are weird about food is to straight up call it out: “Why are you being so weird about my food.” “Since when is it your business what I put in my body?”
Question: does she pick off of everyone’s plate or just his? Does she ask first? Can you start having him sit farther away from her to see what she does?
Ooooo I’d start shit at every meal we have together. When ordering “oh Mil, what looks good to you on the menu? One non-salad girl to another, you should get that tasty burger DH had last time. I saw how much you dug into it!” Ad nauseum. Whoa mil! I’m surprised you’re having a full glass of the white today! And a second glass? How many calories is that?! And so on.
You may know this already, but the type of eating disorder this resembles is called orthorexia nervosa. It is presently a “proposed” disorder, meaning it is not yet in the clinical diagnostic manual, but there is plenty of research on it and it will likely be in there soon.
As far as the rest of the behavior, the manipulation, gaslighting, bullying, etc., you’re right it’s straight up narcissistic power and control. That doesn’t come with an ED, it’s just her being terrible. Sorry you have had to put up with it.
Honestly, I’d refuse to do anything surrounding food with her. You don’t want LO growing up with a complex or issues because of MILs issues.
If food is unavoidable, “I didn’t know you were a nutritionist.” Or “Only those with certified nutritional education should dictate how others eat …when asked..”
Because I’m the world’s pettiest baker, I would always show up with a pan of unfrosted gluten-free vegan brownies for the family and ONE big gooey frosted walnutty regular brownie for myself, then sit at the far end of the table and consume it with orgasmic levels of ecstasy. Too bad she can’t have what I’m having.
Eventually it will catch up to her. Thanks to her eating disorder, my stepmother lost all her teeth, and her spine has pretty much collapsed. She’s had numerous falls that have damaged her brittle bones and once passed out, fell, and gave herself a brain bleed.
We’ve not spoken in many years. Her control over the food she and everyone else ate was problematic when we were in contact.
Distance. Work on your husband with therapy and developing a healthy relationship with food.
Wonder what she eats when nobody is watching?
Did you see the recent study of how much pesticide residue/forever chemicals are in wine? ….your JustNo isn’t so “clean”.
I think I would find the study, and send it to her, just for funsies.
Every time she picks at a side one of you should loudly say “Oh did you want some? Here let’s put some on YOUR plate.” and “If you like xyz so much you should have ordered some!”
When she’s being weird I would just get up and leave. Don’t play her bizarre game. And good for you for recognizing that’s she’s a threat to your daughter’s well being.
She is a walking textbook describing all the eating disorder variations. She definitely has an eating disorder and it spreads from proximity to her insanity.
Now I’m picturing DH deciding to mess with MIL next time by ordering exactly the same thing as her so she can’t eat off his plate. Bonus: “Mom, this is really good, why aren’t you eating yours? Mom, be careful, you know it’s not healthy to drink wine on an empty stomach, you need to eat something!” etc.
I am so glad you decided to keep your child away from this dysfunction. I wanted to just tell you about an interaction that cemented a lot for me while I was pregnant with my first child. I eventually went NC for many reasons.
My mother and her lackey (my cousins wife) both suffered from ED (anorexic) and made every meal a performative minefield, as well. They both have personality disorders, which your MIL seems to just lack a diagnosis given her behavior.
We went to a famous chili dog place. My cousins daughter, who was babysat by my mother, was age 4. She began to make this big production around the food and how she would get fat and essentially be worthless.
My mother’s family only values beauty, and I was treated like dirt when I would gain weight. My mother would withhold food as a child because I looked chubby. I am so glad your husband had you to get him in therapy.
Your MIL gives you a hard time regarding socioeconomic differences because she lacks self-esteem and class. Money does not give you class, and biting from a person’s burger in public or picking from their plate makes her a fricking heathen!
Next time she eats off of your husband’s plate, tell her that’s only how you’re supposed to gas station food.
My in laws like to make very uneducated comments about food and dietary choices as well. It’s tiring.
She asked when did people get so sensitive? Lady, you’re the one being hyper sensitive about what everyone else eats! What a hypocrite. Rules for thee, not for me.
Your husband needs to treat her the same way parents treat the annoying kid that tried to blow out other kid’s’ birthday candles: Cover her mouth or seat her far away from her target. Lol
I’d straight up the next time she makes a comment “I can’t take a person who thinks air is a food group seriously. Like you’re an almond mom cubed…..seriously though I didn’t realize wine was a perfectly acceptable food group either. I’ve come to the conclusion you’re just a control freak who uses food to control everyone around you. (*take a bite of whatever you’re eating look her in the eye) too bad I see you!” And then just ignore the narcissistic tantrum….they can’t stand when they can’t get under your skin!
I’d turn a hard left conversation wise next food lecture. Her -so you’re a salad girl? You-where did you get that top from Gladys? Don’t engage, deflect. She will ALWAYS be talking, main character syndrome. At least make it a game.
Operant conditioning. Let her know that this behavior is really annoying and that you’re going to have to take a break from it, “God Linda, I’m so tired of hearing your unhinged, unsolicited comments about what everyone does and doesn’t eat. I need a break.” Get up and take a walk. She brings it up again at that meal or the next, “Lord Linda, not the food again.” Look at your husband, “Babe, I’m going to have to sit the next family meal out. This is dysfunctional and I need a break.” Any time she does the behavior, you withdraw attention. When she can behave normally, she gets normal frequency of visits.
For my MIL it’s gossiping and weird judgmental comments, but this works. I know what’s going through her judgy little head, but she mostly keeps the bullshit inside.
Sadly my family and my husbands family are like this, although not quite as bad but almost as bad.
My family specifically loves food, all food, and eating, but is hyper fixated on weight. So we eat a lot, but it’s a lot of vegetables and salad and stuff. And near constant conversations about weight. It came to the point where I had to ask them to stop and specifically say it was making me feel bad. Sadly they just can’t because their brains are rotted on this stuff like you said.
My husbands family loves fad diets, and it’s always the weird passive aggressive, holier than thou talk. Hours at the gym, bland food, and whatever ingredient is the worst for you at that time.
I’ve worked so hard to just love my body and be happy regardless and I hate that people who “love” me are working against me. Fortunately avoiding these people is super easy for me but when they’re around, I feel like they don’t have anything else to talk about and I’m heavier so it’s uninteresting at best.
“Doesn’t alcohol cause inflammation?”
It sounds like she has crossed boundaries way too many times regarding her food comments. Redirecting her hasn’t helped. I think it is time for consequences. How about you stop sharing meals with her altogether?
This is a really good boundary to set now, before your daughter is old enough to understand what she’s going on about.
This is so performative, as you say. It’s like the jokes that broken cookies have no calories or food from someone’s plate has no calories.
Reading that just wore me out. She’s exhausting. I’d call her out every single time she orders her oh so healthy tuna steak and ask her why doesn’t she just get the burger she clearly wants 🤔 And when she protests, tell her we all see how you dig into someone else’s meal EVERY SINGLE TIME. Just get the damn burger 🍔
I’d minimise the meals out or with her.
She’s unwell.
I remember listening to my JNMIL make comments about every meal and every calorie. She was at least 75 pounds overweight, but would criticize my food choices at every opportunity. It drove me mad.
My MIL does this passive aggressive bullshit too. Very good at framing it so she looks innocent. I’m a size 8, and apparently it’s “not healthy to be so big”. I’d rather be fit and healthy than skeletal, hunched over and with Swiss cheese for bones.
Your MIL sounds like a piece of work. You’re handling it well, especially getting your hubby on the same page. For future meals, maybe just prep your own food and don’t engage with her food lectures. When she starts, calmly change the subject or excuse yourself. You’ve got this, and protecting your daughter from her toxic influence is priority one..
I agree with the comments of not going out to eat with her anymore. Don’t indulge in the performances if you can avoid it – sounds like you can’t, though.
My MIL is kind of like this but is very self-deprecating which is very annoying because it comes across as fishing for compliments. She’ll also scrape bits of food off a non-stick pan with a fork while eating out of it so not like anyone views her as an authority or anything.
I’m sorry that you’ve had to endure such behaviour from both MIL and DH but it sounds like he’s getting help at least.
OMG OP! I could snark on this B all day! Thank you for bringing this delightful tale of disordered eating and performative behavior. Please, at her passing, donate her warped brain to science! 🧠
I’m not a food or drink ‘sharer’ (even with my husband, no idea why) I hate it.
At most, I’ll break/cut off a piece or sip from the rim vs someone’s straw if absolutely pushed, but I never enjoy it or appreciate the ‘little taste’ people seem to insist upon (and I REALLY don’t get the thrill some people seem to have for touching other people’s food).
That being said:
I feel like you’re over focusing on the ‘took a bite in the SAME SPOT’ issue when there’s so much more that should have received that level of anger.
A lot of EDs are control based, and it appears as though her need for control exceeds her own body and choices and has permeated the entire culture of her family.
This will absolutely taint your child’s life.
A good boundary would be no more events like ‘casual dinner’ or ‘let’s grab lunch’.
If she comments in your food or touches someone else’s plate (‘grazes’ or ‘takes a taste’) the conversation and visit ends.
This is difficult to enforce because it means making everyone uncomfortable and inconvenient, it means immediately calling for the check if at a restaurant when her little hand sneaks over to ‘snatch’ a crouton.
It means gathering your kid, bags, husband, and instantly leaving when she plops down and snarks at your weight or snack choice at a sporting event (even if it’s far away and an expensive trip).
When she shrilly asks when everyone ‘got so sensitive’ the response is ‘when our child was born and we realized your disordered eating/illness will inevitably shape and destroy her relationship with her body and food. We are breaking the cycle’
Wouldn’t it be funny if you ordered the same thing as MIL next time and then made your DH switch w you bc you didn’t like it? I’d love to see her short circuit when the plate she tries to pick from is EXACTLY the same.
Maybe you could ask for that as a birthday gift. I bet even the therapist would be curious what she would do in that situation.