I wish my mother would just die.

Trigger warning. There is topic about child SA and abuse ❗
I don’t even know where to begin, My hatred for my mother started at a really young age. As far back as I can remember, she’s your typical male centered pick me , shed do anything for a man’s validation. I have one specific memory where I looked at my mother with so much confusion and hatred. I was probably between the ages of 5 and 7, when I had done something to upset my father and don’t remember what it was But it was bad enough for him to hit me as hard as he could like the metal end of a fly swatter leaving a welt on my leg, I ran to my mother for help and she sat there and let it happen. I remember feeling so hopeless so unsafe and confused and it only got worse from there. Eventually my father did things like abuse me worse and rape me my mother did nothing about any of the abuse. And always made it about herself and that she had a harder life than me so there was no reason for me to complain. Especially because he was what was providing us with food and water and shelter. Anyway, long story short, at the age of 15 I reached out to a social worker for DCFS. I asked to be removed for my home because I was experiencing some abuse between my mother and father. I managed to successfully get removed and didn’t speak to my mother for almost 9 years. After 9 years I decided I wanted some sort of connection. Maybe not necessarily a mother-daughter relationship but just something. I have a son now. He’s 15 months. I married and I have a beautiful life. My mother came to visit and as she’s picking up my son I tell her to not kiss my son. She replies with okay I won’t and as soon as she has him completely in her arms she goes for a kiss on the face. I ripped him out of her hands so quickly. And of course she played the victim card and started crying and saying well if I die tomorrow. I don’t want you to regret not letting me love up on him or possibly get deported. I replied with. I don’t care if you die tomorrow. Do not kiss my son. And all the memories of every time she disrespected me. Abused me. Hated. Me. Brought a knife up to to me and told me to kill myself. Sexual abuse I endured with her. The ignorance, the obliviousness to the sexual abuse that was going on between my dad and my brothers and me. Everything came flooding in. And all I could see was red. I hate my mother and I wish you would die. There’s more to the story, but I don’t want to make this too long. I went through hell with my mom. And I’m so tired of her existence. I’ve never felt this kind of hatred towards anyone in my life before and if anyone knows me, they know that I am not one To be so bothered by someone, But my mom has a way of getting to me.