Hi everyone,
I’ve been in a relationship for just over 3 months with my girlfriend (18F). This is my first ever relationship, and I’ve genuinely never loved anyone this deeply before. She’s amazing, and I feel so lucky to have her.
The problem is, I’m insecure. I lack confidence in myself, and that leads to trust issues. I’m not talking about yelling or controlling behavior, but small doubts, unnecessary questions, and anxious thoughts that slowly eat away at the relationship. And it hurts her. Today was another example of me screwing up.
She was hanging out with friends at someone’s house and sent me a few voice notes. Based on the background noise, I was sure she was outside. I asked her if she was lying to me. She told me she was indoors but hesitated to send a photo right away, saying she doesn’t like taking pictures when she’s with people. That only made me more suspicious, even though she eventually did send a photo. At that point, I realized how unfair and toxic my reaction was. I felt like absolute crap.
To give some context, a few days ago I had told her that I didn’t feel entirely comfortable with her going out to clubs or party-type places. It’s something I’ve been trying to work on and let go of, and I had promised myself to stop acting insecure about that. But today, when I heard the background noise, I panicked. My mind jumped to the worst-case scenario: that she was hiding something from me because she didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable about where she really was. Even though there was no solid reason to think that, I let my fears take over.
On top of my insecurities, I tend to overthink everything. Normally, I’m a pretty confident guy. I’m social, independent, and stable. But with her, it’s different. I care so much, I love her so much, that I just start imagining bullshit. My brain fills in the gaps with worst-case scenarios. And the more I care, the more I fear losing her — which ironically pushes me to act in ways that could actually drive her away.
This isn’t the first time I’ve doubted her without reason. She’s never done anything to make me question her — quite the opposite actually. She gives me love, attention, and honesty, and I respond with doubt and anxiety. I can tell it’s hurting her, and it kills me. I told her I want to have a serious conversation about this the next time we talk. I’m aware of my flaws and the damage they’re doing, and I really want to change.
Has anyone been through something similar? Do you have advice for overcoming insecurity and overthinking, and becoming a more trusting, confident partner? I don’t want to keep sabotaging something so beautiful.
TLDR I’m in my first relationship (21M & 18F), and I’m very insecure and tend to overthink a lot. Today I hurt my girlfriend again by doubting her, even though she hasn’t done anything wrong. I panicked because I had told her I felt uncomfortable about her going to clubs, and I feared she was hiding it from me to avoid upsetting me. I realize now that I was just imagining things because I’m scared to lose her. I want to stop ruining the relationship with these patterns. Any advice?