Problem: I recently found out that my boyfriend’s mom doesn’t like me. Is it okay to just be civil with her?
Context: My boyfriend is the breadwinner. He pays for his sibling’s tuition, the internet, sends money weekly, and is just one chat away whenever they need something. Does his mom work? Yes, she does. But she’s buried in debt, so my boyfriend ends up covering almost everything.
He also told me before that whenever his scholarship money arrived, it would go straight to his mom. Aside from that, he would always give her money even when he was still a part-time student.
We’re also living together now because it makes more sense for him to stay here in Metro Manila since this is where he works. We split the bills 50/50, though he covers more in some areas since he’s on a hybrid work setup and consumes more electricity and food.
I only recently found out from other people that his mom doesn’t like me. She even recruited others to badmouth me, saying that I’m manipulating her son and that all his money goes to me.
My bf often vents to me about how he ends up shouldering almost all their expenses. Whenever he goes home, he needs to bring a big amount of money because he pays for all the groceries and food. His sibling got into an accident two years in a row, and of course, who else would cover the medical expenses but him?
As his girlfriend — not even his wife — I just listened and supported him. I never advised him to stop giving money. He learned on his own to set boundaries, especially after his mom lied to him to get money. He handles all his finances; I have no access to his bank accounts or anything else.
Is it okay not to try to please his mom and just be civil? Like, I’ll still be respectful, but I don’t want to bond with her. Would it be disrespectful if I leave whenever she visits and only come back once she’s gone?
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Ik everyone needs validation so I’m gonna do that and say yes it’s fine. But I also feel it important to remind you that you’re the only one who can set your own boundaries and lines and you certainly don’t need anyone’s permission to stay the fuck away from someone who clearly doesn’t like you. Do whatever you feel is right.
of course you have the right to protect yourself from someone so openly hostile towards you.
But your post contains many red flags. Are you sure you want to continue a relationship with someone who appears to be solely responsible for his family’s financial needs? Especially when they are obviously threatened by you and your potential to end the gravy train.
And does he know she said these things about you? has he done anything about it?
Do whatever you feel you need to do to make interactions more tolerable for yourself. Distance, keeping it civil, etc. I have a similar FMIL, and I info diet her heavily. She doesn’t like me, because she sees me encroaching and as competition. Remember any info you share could be used against you or spun to confirm her own negative bias.
Sidenote:
You’ve got to consider if you want to build a life with someone like that. Marriage usually entails joint finances. Do you want your joint income going to support someone who is a grown adult, debt-ridden, and reliant on her son for money? Asking you to look ahead further into the future and see the potential risks of this. It’s on him if he’s enabling her poor finances. Also a bit of a red flag if he’s giving out funds when he’s struggling himself (previously when he was a part-time student). Be on the look-out if he does this at his own expense, later it’ll inevitably affect you. I’m in a very similar boat, but staying wary and considering a prenup to protect myself with my future husband if he can’t set financial boundaries.
How old is everyone?
If it’s any consolation, she isn’t going to like any of his girlfriends because it’ll be taking money away from her.
Do what you need to look after yourself.
You need to talk to him about this. He needs to know what his mother is saying about you and how you feel. I personally would never build a future with someone who is shouldering the financial burden of his parent and sibling. That’s a lot of baggage.