So, I really need some advice on how to deal with intimacy issues in my relationship. My girlfriend and I have pretty different love languages. we’ve been together for 3 years. she’s all about physical touch and affection, while I’m more into quality time and giving gifts. The thing is, I’m not super comfortable with touch, and a lot of that comes from my past.
When I was younger, I had some bad experiences where both men and women tried to touch me in ways that made me really uncomfortable. Because of that, I’m super particular about who I let touch me and how it’s done. It took me a long time to let my guard down, and even now, I’m still cautious about it. My girlfriend is honestly the only person I’ve ever felt safe being intimate with, but I still get anxious when intimacy becomes the main way she shows love.
It’s not that I hate sex or anything—I do enjoy it, but I get overwhelmed when it feels like it makes up, like, 70% of our relationship. I’ve tried talking to people about this, but they usually just make fun of me or call me a coward because I used to struggle with porn addiction and hypersexuality when I was younger. That whole mess started as a way to cope with trauma and got way worse when I started dealing with depression.
I’ve been really open with my girlfriend about all of this, and she’s super understanding and never pressures me, even though I know it hurts her a bit when I pull away from her touch. Sometimes she gets a little frustrated because she just wants me to feel good and be able to show me love physically like I do for her. I feel guilty about it because it’s totally my issue, not hers, and I hate that she feels restricted because of my boundaries.
I’ve talked to her about wanting to cut down on sexual stuff to around 30% of our relationship instead of the 70% it’s been. I just feel really stuck because I value intimacy too, but my trauma and insecurities keep getting in the way.
TL;DR: I [19M] struggle with intimacy because of past trauma and a history of porn addiction. My girlfriend [18F] loves physical touch, but I get overwhelmed when it feels like sex becomes the main focus of our relationship. Looking for advice on how to cope with my past and build a healthier mindset about intimacy.
Comments
> I feel guilty about it because it’s totally my issue, not hers
So what are you doing to address this issue?
This would be exactly the kind of thing that a counselor or therapist could help you with. And unless you make the commitment to put in the work to find healthy ways to address the issues you have…the issues will remain, and all of the acknowledgement that they are your issues and not hers, will not help her out in any way.
So. If you haven’t already, go find a counselor or therapist who can help you address and overcome these issues.
You need and deserve professional mental health support.
You’re having a pretty textbook response to childhood sexual assault. This is how human beings often respond to that sort of trauma.
It sounds like you might have had some negative experiences talking to some adults in the past— and I’m so sorry that you didn’t get what you needed sooner—but as a young adult now you do need to keep trying. I’ve had some bad dentists but my teeth still need to get cleaned. Please have a think about what resources you’ve got to access therapy or counselling. You need it. You deserve it. That’s what’s gonna help you to show up as the kind of partner you wanna be.