I took care of both parents. ( It’s enough to make you glad there’s only 2 parents. ) They had cancer. Mom died 8n 2017.I have a sibling, but he hates me. Not sure why; he’s the one who abandoned them and did nothing but drink and drug. Dad was an alcoholic with cancer.
I guess I thought I would feel differently, but I don’t feel anything. About anything. That’s concerning to me. Shouldn’t I feel something besides freedom??
I do notice my PTSD is kind of awful lately, and I can’t stand to see a doctor due to fear and anxiety. I’ve tried. I can’t do it anymore. I’m just waiting to die. Husband is having a hard time dealing with the jokes and dark humor, but I don’t know what else to do. What is wrong with me??
What is wrong with me, that I feel free, rather than being sad and grieving after my dad died?
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I think part of it is when you see it happening over time vs a sudden death, your brain reacts differently.
I didn’t fully comprehend the death of my father until a month after it happened and broke down crying. I was pretty normal before that.
Everyone griefs a bit differently.
Caregiver burnout is a real thing. It’s completely normal to not feel totally wrecked when you watch someone deteriorate over the years and slowly succumb. Your mind has been processing it for a while now. And you’re probably exhausted. There is no one way to grieve. There is nothing wrong with you at all.
I’ve had my life turned upside down by two neuroligiclly declining parents. Both were and are abusive to me. I truly look forward to not having the burden of worrying or caring for them. (part of you’re deal is guilt but you also have to acknowledge the strain it put on you which you weren’t really allowed to do when caring for them – now your brain and body are adapting to less stress and that’s a positive thing to happen)
I also cared for both parents. My dad’s illness was over in about 2 years but before he died my mom had mini strokes that led to vascular dementia. She lived 8 years longer than he did. It was a relief when it was all over for both of us because she could not do anything for herself and it was getting to the point when I could no longer take care of her. There is something called anticipatory grief and I grieved a lot prior to her death as well as after although I was relieved that it was over for both of us. And like you I felt that I was finally free from that responsibility. Because I feel that when you’re in this situation your life is literally on hold and when it’s over you are free.
My wife died after a stroke that left her barely conscious. She could see but not talk recognize our kids
She had strokes before and we’d known it was a possibility
She lived for over 9 months ambit in vegetative state
It was a sense of relief when she passed
And it took me five years until I felt back to normal
She wasn’t in pain but any awareness was trapped in a body that drive me nuts
Take care of yourself
Nothing.
I have C-PTSD from my childhood. My mother was extremely abusive. When she died (at age 98), I didn’t know how I’d react. I didn’t shed a tear. I didn’t feel sad. I felt relieved more than anything. If you see a doctor, they could probably help you with your anxiety. I’m on a lot of meds and supplements; they all help a LOT.
Its a rather common feeling when a Addict in your life dies. Relief. Cause deep down you know all the pain and hurt is gone and they can rest and you can rest from the feelings of hurt, betrayal, and resentment
Nothing is wrong with you. Being a caretaker is hard. Watching people you love quality of life disappear right before your eyes. It’s relieving. I was a caretaker for my grandmother who just recently died and I feel the same. Grief doesn’t make sense. It’s not a one size fits all.
We all find a way to work through it
You took on that responsibility and it was a big one
My father died in 1982 of cancer of the everything. I was seventeen. He had the cancer for three and a half years. Those years were very stressful and anxiety ridden. When he died, all I could feel was relief that his suffering was over, and the stress for me was ended. It wasn’t until a few months later that I really began to grieve his loss.
You deal with your loss the way that works for you, including dark humor. There is nothing wrong with you. Grief is weird.
There’s nothing wrong with you other than being over stressed, over worked, and probably a bit of shock. You were a caregiver for someone you saw suffering every day you cared for them, and if I had to guess, probably wasn’t a great father even when you weren’t a caretaker. Yeah, your emotions are going to be a bit different from most people with a healthy relationship with their parent. And that’s ok. That’s actually normal for your situation.
Take your time to process. If you can afford it, grief counseling can help you get your bearings and find healthy ways of processing. There is no one right way to grieve, but a professional can help you navigate it with your other challenges in mind.
It’s not uncommon to feel relief.
You’ve been slowly grieving for a while already. Even before the official death.
Watching someone suffer is incredibly hard. Watching it for a long time to someone you love… leaves marks. Seeing that suffering end is a relief for anyone. Nothing wrong with you at all. Though, if you’re having a hard time I doubt dark humor and sarcasm are helping so much as reinforcing a negativity bias. I’d definitely encourage you to see someone for grief counseling or some cognitive behavioral therapy. Best of luck. I’m sorry for your loss.
Normally you’d feel loss. You spent the last …. However long battling….
What you feel is release from responsibilities.
Don’t worry……itll hit you, sooner or later.
There is nothing wrong with you. When a family member has a fatal illness and you are with them for months until the end, sometimes you mourn before they pass on – or go through certain stages of mourning before they die.
It may also be that in a few months or even years, you will be hit with other stages of mourning. Or not at all. You may feel only relief and peace. Everyone is different.
If you are mid 40s it could be menopause. Hell, it could be menopause in your 30s. People underestimate the hell that happens when you are in perimenpause and menopause. Please get checked
Your feelings are absolutely valid. You aren’t obligated to feel sad. You are free of the burden that you bore. I totally feel you on the dark humor. I would suggest that you see a therapist to sort out your feelings. Not to say that there’s anything wrong with you but a professional can help you sort through the crap and make some sense of it.
I cared for my mom for 2 years before her death. It’s definitely been a longer grieving thing? It was a relief at first even though I am (and was) sad. But the relief of her not being in pain and the relief of just not taking care of everything was the prominent emotion. I get waves of sadness now. Certain things will trigger a memory or I wish I could tell her something and then I feel pretty sad.
Caretaking is no joke. My sister and I went to a caretaking support group/info session. And the social worker told us hands down being the caretaker is more stressful than the cancer treatments experienced by the patient. That causes a lot of guilt of course because I shouldn’t feel so stressed, right?.
Burn out is exhausting and unless worked on – it doesn’t just vanish. Grief is exhausting so if there’s some grief hidden in there? That’s adding more on top of it.
I’m not sure what all you’ve done so I hate to just give unsolicited input. I’ve been doing a lot of guided meditations for rest (I haven’t felt like I’ve rested in a very long time). Putting time into a hobby. Short walks, massages – heck I’ve even done “energy healing” just to see if it would help lol (I think it’s silly and somehow helped a little which I’m chalking up to placebo affect).
Is some of what’s going on guilt over the feeling of freedom?
Nothing is wrong with you.
Caring is absolutely exhausting both physically and mentally, probably more mentally. Once the responsibility is over, it’s freeing, it’s like being let out of prison. You don’t HAVE to grieve. It’s sad the person is gone, but you’re allowed to celebrate your freedom. You did your duty.
I feel you. I think your sibling is jealous cuz you have been the better person. We don’t choose our family and it’s ok if you need to distance yourself from them.
Nothing wrong with a feeling of relief in a situation like this. Relief that the suffering is finally over for your Dad, and for you.
My Mom fell and struck her head, which caused her alzheimers to accelerate (that’s the word the doctor used). She lived another 6 years. But to me she died when she fell, she wasn’t herself after that. She had to be in a nurseing home because she had to be watched 24/7. When she finally died it was a relief, it was finally over, she was no longer hurting.
I felt the same way when my grandfather who raised me passed away. I think having these types of feelings do not mean you are bad. You are entitled to feel the way you feel even if it is towards family.
When my foster mum had a cancer diagnosis I grieved. It didn’t help that she was in another country at the time and not capable of dealing with technology greater that a phone call. When she eventually passed I found that I’d already grieved her passing while she was alive and didn’t have that many more tears. Every one responds to grief differently, there is no ” right way” to do this or any other aspect of life.
In your position some may feel guilty they don’t grieve more and are surprised by the relief they feel when the inevitable passing happens. This is normal, breathe. Take time to reflect on the recent past and remember you do have your own family to go through this with you.
All the best!
My dad was my best friend. He died just over a week before his 64th birthday in 1984. For decades after his death I would’ve given the rest of my life for a day with him. It just doesn’t matter. He was a huge support, never a need.
Feel free and do your thing. Good luck.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. As you have experienced, sometimes when you see someone go through a long painful illness, their death can come as a relief for both them and you. You grieve during their illness and so the end can feel like a sweet release.
100% the same for me. I was euphoric when my mom passed. I had been her full time caregiver for 2 years. We never had a close or healthy emotional relationship. I thought I was going to crash but it’s been 3 months and I’m really just happy and feeling free and like myself again.
I had the 2 years to process and accept things. For her family it’s definitely tougher. I just choose not to be around them much right now because I’m not in the same headspace.
It’s a massive burden off of me that I don’t have to take care of her anymore. If she hadn’t passed from cancer I would have had to have taken care of her for 10-20 years in some capacity.
It’s awful what she went through and I don’t think anyone should have to suffer that. I’m also happy I don’t have to ever see her again and my future is in my own hands. Both things are true. Life is just messy sometimes, it is what it is.
You’re allowed to be relieved, sad and happy all at the same time.
Believe me, I know what you’re going through.
An hug.
You are perfectly normal, this is a defense.
You received a very unjust trauma and your “lack of emotions” is your self defense mechanism to not be overwhelmed.
You need a lot of time to feel safe, before you will be able to permit to yourself to feel enough safe to confront this trauma and permit yourself to process them and so starting the real healing.
It is like when a finger is hit by a hammer, it swells up and is relatively numb for a while afterwards … but inside your mind.
Don’t be alone and ask for help, sharing is caring.
My mum had cancer twice and believe me some days I would think what if she died? How would I feel? I would feel sad, but I would also feel free, because caregiving is a very difficult thing to do. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them, even if your relationship with them is complicated.