I 36F recently found out my husband was unfaithful. We have been married 4 years now but have been together for 14 years.
This whole situation started when he approached me the other day and said we were invited to the wedding of a girl who he had been flirtatious with in the past. He got caught out there sending flirty good morning texts to her and was in a bunch of pictures with her where their body language looked shall we say very comfortable. I stated I did not want to go to her wedding based off of this. My husband did not accept that that alone was reason enough and something must be underlying for me to feel that way. So the discussion broadened from there.
In our conversation digging into the past and what underlying feelings I must have had to not be comfortable going to this wedding, I came to find out he had also had another situation with a different person (who he had a relationship with during college) prior to us getting married in which he was telling her about all of the issues that he and I were having in our relationship and talking to her about how they should run away together and be together in Ireland and that he would look after her kids. They were also sexting with each other.
The only part of that situation that he admitted to at the time was talking to her about our relationship and stated he was seeking advice on how to improve things. The way I found out more was actually going on is because he basically forgot that he didn’t admit to sexting her or talking about running away together at the time and mentioned it in the conversation.
So this information is brand new to me and in my head I feel just has hurt as if it had occurred just yesterday. I also found out he had been getting happy ending massages during our relationship. He will only admit to them occurring prior to us getting married but I don’t know.
So now I tell him I need a break from our relationship to process all of this. Here’s where the advice is needed. He still currently continues to make the excuse to me that the only reason anything happened with his college ex is that she was dying and he was basically trying to appease a dying person (she has since passed of cancer) but how do you explain the sextjng or happy endings? I feel like that’s just an excuse.
The question I seem to be getting from him (and the feedback he seems to be getting from his inner circle) is that this all took place before we were married so what about everything we’ve built since then. We’ve bought a house and have 2 kids together. I feel like my world is crumbling because this marriage has been built on lies and hes not the person I thought he was and I would have left him at the time had I known the full extent of the situation.
Now my question is what would you do in this situation?
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I understand the appeal of trying to preserve what you had, but the reality is that the life you thought you had is already gone. Even if you choose to try to move forward, it will NEVER return to the level of comfort or emotional safety you once had with this person. The lack of accountability he is still showing basically guarantees you will be miserable if you try to continue with this.
I couldn’t do it personally. You cheat on me, you’re gone. Nobody can make the decision but you, so I’d take what he and his friends say with a grain of salt. You are the wronged party, so you do what you need to do to preserve your sense of self-worth.
All the stuff that happened before you got married, did it happen before you were dating? Or did it happen during the ten years you were dating but before you got married?
At this time you don’t have to rush anything ask him to leave so you can think clearly.
Fact are he did cheat and lied and was flirting sexting with girl while you were together. Yes it doesn’t matter if you were married you were together.
Fact are he is a liar and cheat. The happy endings are cherry on cake. You can not unhear what you heard.
How about you talk to wedding girl and get her timeline of events? I bet her fiancé wouldn’t be happy if they were together back then.
To him, this is all in the past and shouldn’t matter. To you, it’s new. He needs to give you time to process.
Also, forgiving someone is often easier than moving past an issue like this. And what he is failing to grasp is that this isn’t about what happened. It’s about the fact that he has lied about it.
Only you will know if you can move past it, and it’s not something that you just do now and everything goes back to normal. He needs to put in the effort here.
He knew you would have left him at the time. He thought now that you’re married w. 2 kids and a house you wouldn’t leave, so he got careless. Lord knows what else he’s gonna drip feed you in the upcoming years if you stick around.
Have you heard of affair fog? It’s when people in affairs do so much pretzel thinking and cognitive dissonance that their logic and thinking becomes increasingly foggy. This explains his poor memory. Saying he has to have an affair if the woman involved is dying is very, very foggy thinking. That is ludicrous. Not only is he definitely in a current affair, and currently suffering foggy and disjointed thinking, he sounds like a serial cheat tbh. This isn’t one person he accidentally got emotionally too close to. It’s his personality. He’s permanently open for business and actively seeks affairs and extra marital sex. I’m sorry, there’s nothing to save here. Recovery is technically possible but you’d need to become his jailer to keep him in check. I think you’d be much happier if you left.
A major issue is that you’re never going to truly know the extent of what happened because you’re only ever going to hear his side. You’ll never know that there wasn’t more.
The idea that getting married suddenly stopped the behaviour is optimistic at best; this isn’t a one-off thing, it’s a pattern of behaviour.
If I was in your situation, then I’d make it clear that the only path to working through it would be him to be as honest as possible about all the details of what has happened, and that if he’s caught out having omitted details in the future, then it would be near impossible to move beyond that.
It’ll be easy for people here to say leave him, but realistically most people find ways to stay. The absolute minimum needs to be giving yourself some space to consider things now, and if you want to try again, then marriage counseling has to be a part of that.
I’d leave him. He is still being dishonest with you (lol at this one):
>>He still currently continues to make the excuse to me that the only reason anything happened with his college ex is that she was dying and he was basically trying to appease a dying person
He’s trickle truthing. Just a little bit more at a time. It seems like he only admits to things when you find them and is still saying it’s not a big deal.
You can’t expect fidelity from someone that doesn’t believe fidelity is a big deal.
He sounds like a chronic cheater. Married or not, you were in a (what you thought) magnanimous relationship. He is now minimizing your feelings and not putting your relationship first before his flirtations. If you need time to think, take it. If he doesn’t respect your feelings, that says a lot. If you choose to continue your marriage, at a minimum you need counseling to get past this and to try to rebuild trust in him. Good luck and do what’s best for you. Sounds like he’s been doing that for a long time.
It doesn’t matter the circumstances, timing, or details. He cheated. He CHOSE to cheat. Dump him and move on.
I’ll tell you what I did in your situation: I stayed and tried to make it work. And he cheated again. I learned that manipulative liars do not change, ever.
This doesn’t have to be the end. You can come back stronger from it. But you both have to put in alot of effort. Why? What was lacking in your relationship that he felt he needed to sneak around and find it outside of it? Both of you be completely real with eachother. Talk as if it’s the end. Build a new foundation. It’s possible.
How can you look him in the face and not laugh at how crazy he sounds.
Whatever you built since then was built on a lie. You never got the option to decide if that was a deal breaker for you or not and that’s not ok.
His excuse is a sorry excuse and doesn’t justify anything he did. He still cheated on you, no matter how he tries to spin it.
Only you know what your boundaries are and what you are willing to and not willing to put up with/forgive.
Just know if you choose to stay, you are choosing not to hold onto this and can’t bring it up in the future again as you would be actively choosing to put it behind you and work or building your relationship again.
Myself personally, my boundary is he’s gone. But this is just for myself. He has done it more than once, can’t be fully honest and tries to gaslight you into believing it’s not a big deal and you’re the issue here. I have issues with all of that and won’t stand for that.
But that’s me, and I would never judge someone for choosing a different path than what I would if it’s what’s best for them.
Good luck and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
NO, it’s not okay. It doesn’t matter that you weren’t married YET. You were in a committed relationship and he cheated. Then he lied. And he’s continued to lie so much over so many years that he can’t even remember what he’s admitted to and what he’s still hiding. (Yes, there is MORE than you already know).
So here’s my perspective. It doesn’t matter – when it happened, what actually happened, if there was “technically” cheating or not. None of it matters because he broke trust. He’s been caught flirting, texting, sexting, and taking photos that imply strongly that more was going on. He talked to potential partners about you as his current partner and bad-mouthed your relationship to them behind your back. Honey, how could you EVER trust this person again? After all those years, knowing he lied from DAY ONE and is still not giving you the whole story?
Some people are going to say it’s an over-reaction and that’s fine. Let them think that. Because to me, if you’ve lost trust there are VERY few instances where it can be re-built. And it can’t be in YOUR case, because this idiot is still making excuses, won’t take responsibility, and still isn’t telling you everything. For me, it’s not even about being mad or being hurt. I would just know that any attempts to save this relationship will fail, because I will never trust him again. If you feel the same (and you should) you just tell him. “I’m sorry, I can’t get past the fact that you haven’t been honest with me from day one, that you are still dribbling out facts that you hid from me and I will never know if I can trust you or if I’m getitng the whole story. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not. But the truth is that at this point, I don’t think I can really trust you again, which means this relationship is effectively over.”
It’s heartbreaking to see how much trust has been broken here, and if he can’t own up to his actions without making excuses… what does that say about the foundation of your marriage?
I would leave. Too many lies.
You’ll never forgive him and things won’t be the same ever again. Speaking from multiple experiences
He will never stop being a LIAR…that isnt someone you want raising your children fulltime ..honestly.. so at your leasure plan on seperating or your own mental health will deteriorate..you cant stop an adult liar from lieing its thier personality
You should know that cheaters only admit to what they think you’ll find out. She’s not the only one. The marriage you were in is not the marriage your husband was in. Get STD tested and find a good divorce lawyer.
He hid all of his misdeeds so you would marry him and after having a family he thought you’d be trapped. Why stay in a relationship with someone that doesn’t seem to practice telling the truth. Don’t invest more time in a relationship that’s clearly one sided. Don’t stay for the kids it’s better if they grow up in 2 calm households than 1 household full of toxicity. You don’t want your kids to think this is normal. You deserve better.
You’re right to focus on his current behavior because even if those things happened before, the way he’s still making excuses now shows he hasn’t learned from them… and that’s what really matters. Can someone who keeps deflecting ever be fully honest about anything?