I’m really starting to doubt, I’m wondering if I have some kind of mental illness or something.
I have a lot of trouble being emotionally supportive of my girlfriend when I don’t approve her choices.
To give you a bit of context, I’m a scientist, I would consider myself a very logical person. She is more emotional, which is fine, we just have to communicate a little bit longer to understand each other, even if sometimes it can be very demanding.
Let’s go for an example : lately, she wanted to buy a new car. She wanted me to help her a bit, so I did. I gave her specs to look for, a price, even a bargaining strategy which I would go for.
She bought an other car based of pretty much nothing except the kilometers on it (and the color, of course). She was completely off about the price, and she didn’t try to bargain.
I’m fine with this, that’s her money, now her car. But she asked for some support afterward : are you satisfied/happy for the car i bought?
I simply can’t lie, no I’m not. I would have done the perfect opposite of what she did, and she had all the information.
This is only the latest example, it took other forms. I found that I can’t be blindly supportive, I literally can’t.
Is there any other people wired like this? How do you manage with your partner?
Thanks for your advices, and sorry for the bad English, I’m not a native speaker…
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Just say, “If you’re happy, I’m happy. Happy wife, happy life.” Do this anytime she makes harmless, inconsequential personal decisions and asks for your feedback.
Let’s put it this way, I wouldn’t date you. People have different priorities and it sounds like you don’t understand that your way isn’t the only right one. And yes, you can be supportive of other people’s choices even if you don’t agree with them
You’re not an asshole, and you’re not broken. What you’re feeling probably isn’t about the car… it’s about the disconnect. She asked for your input, you put in the effort, and then she did the opposite without explaining why. That stings. It feels like she didn’t value your time, your logic, or your way of caring.
But here’s the twist man, she might’ve just wanted to feel supported in making he own decision, not to be told what the “best” one is. For you, love might look like solving the problem. For her, love might just mean having her back, even if you wouldn’t have chosen the same thing.
The hard part? Support isn’t agreement. It’s trusting her enough to say, “That wouldn’t be my call, but if you’re happy, I’m with you.” That’s real partnership, and it’s harder than it sounds.
It sounds like dating/relationships aren’t for you, man. People in relationships support their partner. But that’s ok, lots of single people are sort of happy.
You’re allowed to have an opinion that differs from your partner and that doesn’t mean you’re not supportive. If she likes her car that’s all that matters. She shouldn’t need you to like her car because that is a subjective opinion based on taste/preference/other factors.
Being supportive means being happy for them and their choice. If she’s happy with her car, you should be happy for her. It’s really as simple as that.
Don’t overcomplicate it. You don’t even have to tell her you don’t like it or what your choice would’ve been because that was already discussed.
You can simply tell her, I love that you love it!
I’m like you. But fortunately so is my partner.
It’s unreasonable for someone to ask your advice, not take it, and then expect you to agree with their decision. It doesn’t even matter what the circumstances are.
If this is happening a lot and it’s upsetting her then you need to communicate clearly that you won’t lie just to make her feel better.
It sounds like you’re caught between your logical nature and the emotional needs of your partner, which can create tension when expectations don’t align… what does it feel like to navigate that gap without losing your sense of self or compromising your values?
So unless gf agrees with you she is wrong? People often have different priorities.
I think your reaction is a self-preservation one; when you are literally disregarded and advice that had been asked for, is completely ignored, of course you shut down with no empathy. Because you gave her the pertinent info and she dismissed it so now you logically need to shut down to not take it personally.
This might be better handled in couples therapy; your GF likely has no idea how her mode of operating is so dismissive of you. And maybe there are better ways for you to just affirm her without judgement. Good luck!
I won’t lie. Not to or for my partner or myself. And I totally get why you feel that way BUT just because she asks for your advice/opinion, doesn’t mean she has to take it. Just because you give your viewpoint, doesn’t mean you are right either. Don’t get me wrong, color is the crazy reason to buy a car- specs are nice & it’s nice to have a ballpark BUT unless she was buying a brand new car- that’s not all that needs looked at. She should have someone who can make sure the car is safe & running good (or it’s worthless & you just paid more for specs you can’t use. Not to mention, the specs she wants, may be diff from you. All this sounds like you either think if she asks for your opinion or advice, she must take it or it’s about control. Neither is good.
Your girlfriend is impulsive and you are analytical. As long as you guys can come to terms with that it will work. No person should just blindly support every aspect or decision of another, relationship or no. Individuality is just as important as partnership in a relationship. They must coexist. You can be happy that she got what she wants without agreeing with how she went about it.
I think it’s important to understand that it’s not about you being the logical and she being the emotional one. The truth is, neither one of you are observant enough to recognize the other partner’s emotional needs. For you, you want the acknowledgment that your input was heard, even if she chose a different direction. For her, she wants you to support the decision that she made for herself.
Both options are possible in a healthy relationship, but both sides have to do the work.
She didn’t ask you for support, she asked you a direct question which you answered. Just fyi, being a scientist doesn’t separate you from your human emotions, but you may be in denial about how much your emotions affect your daily life.
Have you asked yourself why it matters more to you that your gf follows your input/guidance than doing what feels right to her? Even as a logical thinker, your irritation at her making her own choices &, tbh, what reads to me as your resentment towards that seem extreme.
Of course there are certain things you need to agree on in order to have a happy long term relationship – marriage, kids, finances etc. But I find your reaction to her decisions that don’t actually impact you or your life in any significant way concerning. You have different ways of making decisions. So what. Buying herself the car she wants with her money is her choice & likely made her happy. So why wouldn’t you be happy for her?
I think you need to take a serious look at why you resent her not following your suggestions. This is something better suited to therapy than Reddit but here we are. What do you really feel when she, for want of a better description, goes against your suggestions? Anger, resentment, disappointment, rejection? You need to get to the root of it because you can’t sustain a healthy, functioning relationship with anyone if your attitude is “my way or the highway”.
Your girlfriend probably wanted to include you in what was a big purchase. But she had every right to decide whether to follow your suggestions or go with what felt right to her. Her making decisions in a way you wouldn’t shouldn’t stop you being loving & supportive to her, not to mention happy for her.
Why do you need her to be exactly like you?
She is not. You are different. You think and act and choose differently. That’s okay.
Ask yourself- why does it frustrate you so when she makes different choices than you? Do you respect her thought process as a competent adult? Do you legitimately respect her as a person even if she makes decisions based on emotion?
I think you have some soul searching to do because this sounds like it is rooted in you judging her (ETA: actions/habits/choices) as inferior. If so, it does not make you broken and it’s not a mental illness.. Lots of people do this in human relationships, romantic or otherwise. I’ve done it. If that is what’s beneath your feelings (you also are driven by emotion, we all are!) then it is something for you to work on. Be honest with yourself and communicate with her.
You can. You choose not to. And you’ve decided you are logical and always right, and she is emotional and always wrong unless she does what you say. You can tell yourself you’re wired this way, but you just seem self-centered and a typical misogynistic dude. You can manage this by changing, or letting her go. Those are your management choices.
Ok. Your point is that you are logical, a scientist, right? Approach this sort of thing analytically.
The car was already purchased, and ultimately it was her decision. She knows she went in a different direction from your recommendations, but still wants validation. How can you address this desire, while obeying your preconditions of being fully truthful? The colloquialism is “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”, but that’s not always an option. My solution is to adopt a policy of “Least Objectionable Common Truth”, to tackle situations like this. In this case, something along the lines of “Well, it’s not what I would have chosen, but really the most important thing is if it feels right to you. If so, then it’s the perfect choice.” That is completely true and it’s supportive without abandoning your perspective.
The social contract exists for a reason. Humans are social creatures, and effective collaboration is necessary. Being inflexible and creating conflict within manageable situations wastes time, effort and often resources, so I would argue that rigid adherence to logic in a world that does not operate that way is, in fact, illogical in its own right. Find workarounds that fit how your brain works, and learn diplomacy. It’s by far the most effective and efficient approach.
I’m exactly like you – I’ll research for weeks before committing to any larger purchase. I also hate lying.
My wife and I have had some spats about this in the past, but we’ve been together over a decade and she knows (I’ve also directly told her multiple times) not to ask me things if an honest answer would hurt her.
Conversely, I’ve also learned which small things I can just smile and nod over or give some false praise if it really doesn’t affect anything. She can usually call my bluff on these but at least seems to appreciate that I try haha.
Just explain to her that you don’t like lying and that you feel hurt that she asked for your help just to ignore it. Also ask her straight up what she’d prefer you do in a case like this – if she really just wants a “good job” instead of an actual thought. In my experience, a lot of women are like this.
Maybe try framing the question in a different way…..or as separate questions entirely. Question 1: Are you happy with the decision she made? No. Question 2: Does the fact that the new car seems to make her happy….aka the idea that she’s happy in general….please you and make you happy? This answer should be a yes
On one hand, anytime someone thinks “logical” and “emotional” are opposites I consider them to be generally wrong about interpersonal things because they aren’t – emotions are socially efficient expressions of cognitive conclusions (think expressing anger vs explaining to someone why you think they are wrong. One is quicker). On the other hand, the example that you have given does sound annoying. I would’ve told you that you’re in the wrong if you had given your opinion unsolicited, but you didn’t. Maybe lie next time? But that won’t help your relationship in the long run either.