I (26F) just caught my boyfriend (30M) his IG checking out a girl’s instagram page and clicking her bio link directing him to links like her OF.
I immediately made an irritated joke saying, “I like how you’re just opening up this girl’s link and it directs to her OF.” His immediate response, “yeah I was trying to look at her pussy.” My reaction: 😕
I ended it at that and just shut down. I tend to not want to talk for awhile to process how I feel. Also, it was in the morning while we were getting ready for work, so I didn’t want to bother getting into it. He kept on acting like nothing happened (this is also normal for him) and he tried to kiss me while leaving for work but I rejected it. Childish? Yeah probably. I’m not proud of that moment but I genuinely wasn’t in the mood for anything from him.
I’ve told him in the past that I feel uncomfortable when he watches practically naked girl videos through IG. He tells me I’m overreacting because it means nothing to him and he loves me.
He also frequents porn which I don’t necessarily have an issue with, but more of an issue with how frequent he just watches it like it’s TV? I enjoy when we watch together, but he tends to just be in another room watching alone or even sometimes at work when no one is around?
If it all means nothing, then why the need to keep doing it? Is it bad to to think this is “out of line” and boarder line cheating?
Background: we’ve been together for 5 years and I have caught him cheating (messaging girls through snap/chatrooms) in the past. We worked past it, but I definitely have scars and triggers (like this).
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It doesn’t sound like he respects you or your relationship.
I would never stay with a man who said that shit to me tf 😂😂 on top of him looking at them on IG and OF. Hard pass. I’m not even against porn but that’s blatant disrespect.
Red. Flag. Run.
If you want me to brutally honest with you… I don’t think this is something you can change of him. You can ask it of him… but it’s unlikely he will change. And as you mentioned, he’s cheated on you before, so this behaviour is triggering old wounds.
He may not think much of it, but he has no concern about your feelings. He utterly lacks empathy and compassion for his own partner.
I strongly believe you should search deep within yourself to answer the question you don’t want to ask. But is this man someone you want to stay with the way he is and how he treats you?
Are these flaws something you can live with?
Sounds like he has a porn addiction and views women as objects. It can be hard to view things objectively since you have been together so long, but it sounds like at a fundamental level he doesn’t respect you or honestly women in general.
This is always so crazy to me. If you have to tell your bf to stop looking at other girls you have waaayyyyy bigger problems than those girls. He doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care to stop checking them out. It’s always these guys that wind up cheating and the woman is always so surprised and I’m like what tf do you expect? Your bf doesn’t have any respect for you. That’s a lot worse. Get a bf that doesn’t do that shit. Why women don’t throw them out after they find this out is so far beyond me because obviously cheating is next on the list. If you have to ask him to stop he isn’t for you. He already knows how disrespectful that is. Come on now.
Lord yall hate each other and are still holding on.
My man unfollowed any sexy girl after he met me, out of respect. What this guy says is crazy. Looking at naked girls is DISRESPECT to you. Don’t try to convince yourself that it’s normal and ok. I have done that in the past with other men. It might be normal for him, but you can have higher standards than him. There are plenty of good men out there that won’t give you wounds and anxiety. You will have to learn on your own time, but I think one day you will learn. Hopefully it’s soon and not years later! Wishing you the best, I truly wish you knew how much better you could have.
Girl…. Seriously?
It’s a reasonable request but probably need to recognize that he’s been doing this since before he became an adult so it’s more than a habit likely an addiction
Youre worried about being childish while your “bf” looks at pussy at the break of dawn but has a fully present partner next to them? I’m sorry but – you have so many better things to do and see in orange county than this shit show. Especially at this young age.
He cheated before… and your letting that comment slide? Don’t ignore red flags stand up for yourself and leave him he’s showing you he has no respect for you.
I’m super porn friendly and think it can be a great thing to watch with your partner… during sexy times. Outside of a very specific kink, just chilling on the couch with your SO looking at other women’s pussies is weird, even to me. He’s either a porn addict or a dismissive asshole.
Girl it is NOT childish that you didn’t want to kiss him. You were mad! He told you he wanted to look at another woman’s vagina! I wouldn’t want to kiss anyone who disrespected me like that. Maybe he’s able to separate the lust he feels for other women from the emotional connection he has with you, but a grown man needs to learn to control his lust and respect his partner. It sounds like he has a porn addiction, and also he’s messaged other girls?!
It takes me a long time to process my feelings too. If you have a therapist, I’d speak to them about validating your feelings and learning to access your anger. There are men who are NOT like this, you do not need to be with a man who cheats on you. You’re in a state of self-abandonment trying to be with someone who demeans you.
“We worked past it”
No you haven’t. You literally posted a whole story of him being up to his old tricks again (so no, not past it) so the question stands, when are YOU going to leave him? He keeps proving to you that he will always be on the prowl, what is going to change now?
Its one thing if you are both watching porn together….its another for the way he is acting.
He doesnt not respect you and has a problem he doesnt want to admit.
Its time to move on to someone who will respect you
it sounds like he has a porn PROBLEM. if he’s watching it every chance he gets (even at work) then it might be taking over his life. no matter how much you ask him, he won’t stop. not unless he wants to.
I’ve been in an experience like that and i’ll tell you this, if you’re not prepared for all of the disappointment and frustration then leave while you can!!!!!
Didn’t have to read the paragraphs it’s a straight up nope you’re not being irrational. It’s the same fucking story and excuse from the guy every time too. It’s a boundary of yours, he’s pushing it and therefore doesn’t respect you. Get rid of
I’ve come to learn that no self-respecting woman wants her man looking at p or other women at all. none of us want our man masturbating to these young women on the internet. none of us want our man pleasuring himself to others. (unless you’re really really into that… but you’re not saying that You’re saying “I don’t mind”) stop trying to be the “cool girlfriend” You don’t have to stay with somebody who does s like that. if you can tell your partner “I don’t like that it makes me uncomfortable and I don’t want this in my relationship” And they say anything other than “I understand” then you know you’re not compatible and they don’t respect you and they would rather have their little habits online than a real relationship with you.
leave a man who chooses p*** over your happiness
also leave a man who cheats on you 😂
> I’ve told him in the past that I feel uncomfortable when he watches practically naked girl videos through IG.
You set a boundary. Some people don’t care if their partners window shop. You do. That’s perfectly reasonable.
> I (26F) just caught my boyfriend (30M) his IG checking out a girl’s instagram page and clicking her bio link directing him to links like her OF.
>I immediately made an irritated joke saying, “I like how you’re just opening up this girl’s link and it directs to her OF.” His immediate response, “yeah I was trying to look at her pussy.”
Not only is he breaking the boundary you communicated, he’s also insulting you by making fun of that boundary in stating his true intentions to look at her pussy
> he tends to just be in another room watching alone or even sometimes at work when no one is around?
He doesn’t want to be physically intimate with you and he’s watching porn at work? Dudes a porn addict, plain and simple. He’s disrespectful to your emotions and communicated relationship boundaries.
> we’ve been together for 5 years and I have caught him cheating (messaging girls through snap/chatrooms) in the past.
OH. Yeah, honey you know who this man is. He’s not going to change. It’s up to you to decide if this is a relationship dynamic you want in your life. I know I wouldn’t
Why are you begging a man to respect you?
Obviously you have not worked past this issue.
You’re not being irrational especially with his history. Asking a man to not imagine fucking other women while in a relationship with you is the bare minimum. I don’t know why us women have been putting up with porn use in a relationship for years. If you’re watching porn together that’s one thing we call that foreplay watching porn separately or viewing sexual accounts it’s literally just covert cheating.
Think about it this way, you search up a man’s name on Instagram you browse to his profile to find the juiciest pictures where he looks all sexy and nice and then you see click the link in my bio at the bottom of his page and you click on it and it’s his only fans is your boyfriend disgusted? Oh yeah I was trying to see his dick
There’s a good chance that he has an addiction that needs to be addressed. It might just be a mild one that most men have these days the same way that most women have a similar addiction to their screens for different reasons. That said, you need to evaluate your own boundaries and think about what is realistic. Don’t try to change him. Either break up with him or establish a boundary that you will be firm on or accept him for whatever qualities you value about him and let this one go.
Is this a joke? Girl you’re not in a relationship you just think you are. I’m sorry this sucks. Time to go. It’s a waste of 5 years and that sucks but the more time ur with this guy the more time ur wasting. You only get one life.
The fact that it doesn’t mean anything for him.. doesn’t mean you have to feel this same way about it. He is saying he loves you and still choosing to do something that hurts you or makes you uncomfortable. Saying you are overreacting is basically him dismissing the way you feel.
This isn’t boarder-line cheating, nor it means he would cheat. Also we can’t really decide if it is out of line or not. But none of that matters, only thing that matters here is, if you are expressing your feelings “i don’t feel comfortable with…” and he is dismissive “you are overreacting, this is just smth I do cause I find it fun, but i love you and it all means nothing, idk why you make a big deal out of it”.. then that’s the only thing thats absolutely not okay.
I guess the advice here is you should learn to set boundaries and express feelings and know that the way you feel is always valid and they are supposed to welcome it with curiosity and kindness..
Only thing you can do.. is set some boundaries about what you are or are not comfortable with.. and if he doesn’t wanna respect them, then you should be ready to leave..
It’s heartbreaking to see someone feel so dismissed in their own relationship, especially when the emotional distance seems to be growing wider every day… if respect and connection aren’t there, what’s left to hold onto?
His body his right
He doesn’t respect you or other women in general. Don’t waste any more of your youth.
I broke up with my bf because I kept seeing him like of models and told him it takes 0 effort to hit that heart button and my future husband would never do that to me
Im sorry, but you’re plain stupid. Stop being a doormat. He doesn’t respect or like you, and that was obvious the second you caught him cheating. It’s not surprising that he’s opening a girls OF profile right in front of you because he knows your limits. He knows that you’d tolerate it, and it’s sad af.
This sounds like a really unhealthy relationship and the way you’ve described his porn usage sounds way beyond anything “normal”. Plus the history of cheating. I would consider serious couples counseling or just leave the relationship.
You need to respect yourself and have better boundaries. By you saying it’s ok too watch porn, you’re also in a way enabling his behavior then giving him mixed messages of not being ok with it.
You can ask him, but he doesn’t have to. If it’s something that is a problem for you (which is valid) then you can only control yourself and how you react to it, or whether or not it’s a dealbreaker for you.
I remember seeing someone post a really good explanation as to why IG girls can feel like a violation, while porn cannot. It essentially boiled down to this:
IG is set up to be a way to communicate with others, particularly people within your general proximity. As such, it can feel more intimate than say, OF, where it’s obvious that they are selling a service and any interactions are part of their product line. It is also possible to search by location in IG, meaning that someone could look for girls who are local to your area. This is immediately different from OF, which doesn’t offer any direct searches. There are ways around that, but none on the platform itself. Now traditional porn is even more removed from OF in that the actors are not directly working with the public, nor are they always very open about where they live and work. So while OF has a degree of separation from IG as far as interaction goes, porn is even more separated.
So in other words, it’s easier to form an in-person connection with someone on IG – or to seek out out deliberately. OF can sometimes come close to being an issue since there is the potential to interact with the content creator, but I would wager that most aren’t interested in meeting up IRL and are only looking to make money. Not that affairs of various types haven’t started from OF interactions, but they are likely not the norm.
Now on top of all of that, his response to you expressing discomfort is concerning. If he wants to be in the relationship he needs to be willing to meet you halfway, such as only looking at traditional porn or only OF accounts.
Other than that, his porn consumption is a bit offputting. I’m not going to say that a high level of porn consumption is always and automatically a bad thing, but it’s certainly concerning. A good way to know if it’s an addiction is to ask yourself (or him) this:
If you have answered yes to any of these, then it’s possible that he has a porn addiction – people can get addicted just as easily as they can to anything else. Unfortunately there’s really nothing you can do to help him if he doesn’t want help. At that point it’s a question of whether or not you are willing to live like that, with someone who is addicted and doesn’t want help.
You’re not being irrational for being upset. Your bf isn’t a man who values you. He’s a selfish, immature guy who doesn’t respect you, has zero empathy, and views women as sexual objects. On top of it, you’ve said that he has cheated on you before. He should’ve been working to rebuild your trust and helping you trust him, not continuing to do shady things. You’ve endured this behavior for 5 years. He won’t change. You deserve better than this.
no point in complaining about him on reddit if you’re going to forgive him every time he does something disrespectful to you lmao