Hi, this is my first post on here. So me (20F) and my fiancée (20M) have been together for 3 and 1/2 years. We have been living together for the past 2 years. I lost my job recently and I have been thinking about our relationship and I know I am not happy. I love him so much but I am not happy and I don’t want be with someone who makes me feel suffocated at all times. We have the same conversation about the fact that he is more horny than me and that he hated that I accidentally interrupt him. On the interrupting issue, when he talks he takes pauses and I mean like 30-50 second silence for him to think of what to say next and I have ADHD diagnosed, I think fast and my mouth doesn’t always pick up on the fact that you may have more to say when I’m excited to share something with you. I know I sound like I haven’t tried, I have bitten my tongue literally to stay silent for him among pinching myself and repeating nonstop to stay quiet. No matter what I do I still end up interrupting him someway. On the fact that he is more horny than I am, he wants sex like every single day, when we wake up he’s horny and talks about it, when he gets off work he’s tried but horny. I just don’t like all of my relationship to be centered around sex and making him happy. I need some advice on what to do. Not to mention we never see my family and we always prioritize his family over everything and he doesn’t have a working vehicle. I’m sorry if this is a lot. I have no one to talk to. I have no friends and I was just fired from my last job. I just need someone. Thank you, any advice would be appreciated greatly!!
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This sounds infuriating and insane. Idk how you deal with that shit. Good luck to you if you want to marry that.
You’re way too young for this, and to be engaged to anybody.
You were both children when you got together. You made sense then but you don’t now. It’s no one’s fault. But, you need to walk away. ASAP. It’s really hard but this relationship was for a girl and you’re figuring out how to be a woman. Please don’t waste months or years on a relationship that sounds at best meh and at worst pretty toxic/controlling. Life is short. Spend some time with no relationship, work on yourself, enjoy yourself. Your next relationship will be so much better. You deserve more. You can do this!
Firstly, if he is pausing for 30-50 seconds in between thoughts you are not interrupting him. That’s silly. Second, you are really young and you don’t seem happy. What is your rush into marriage with this man or anyone?
Have you tried taking to him about the things that are bothering you? What is his reaction? If he’s blowing off your concerns it likely won’t get better.
This sounds maddening. You’re right to feel suffocated by every single one of these behaviors, the mismatched libido alone would be enough for a lot of people to bail.
It’s one thing to have a higher sex drive, it’s another to not try and meet you where you’re at. If you’ve expressed that daily is too much for you and he’s still pushing, he’s not respecting you, showing you grace, or supporting you. That’s not a behavior many young men succeed in changing. You either know to respect someone or you don’t.
You have to ask if this is what you want for life?
You need to do the difficult thing and call off the engagement.
You’re miserable in your relationship… Entering marriage like this will be a fast track to divorce. Its not going to get better.
Don’t chase milestones, chase relationships structure and foundation. Being engaged to him as of right now is a huge mistake. The relationship side of things is completely out of whack.
Unfortunately, these problems you are facing seem too severe to have hope for improvement. If you want to save yourself, its likely breaking up and ending your relationship.
He’s a sex pest and never drops it. Spends a minute “thinking” and any comment made during that silence is interrupting him? That’s unhinged. Also, the imbalance of prioritization for whose family is seen.
This is relationship is all about what makes him happy, nothing about what makes you happy. When the scales are that one-sided, you’re unlikely going to get to a position where its going to make you content.
You know you’re miserable. I don’t know how much you’ve talked to him about this stuff, but if you’ve been there, done that. Meanwhile received nothing for results, its not going to change.
You should be calling off the engagement. Move back home if your family will welcome you back. Hit the reset button in your adulthood life, start a new journey.
Both of you need more time to mature into the people you are going to be. At 20, you’re not done finding yourself and when dating you should be with people that help you grow and are fun to be around, not emotionally suffocating you.
I think you both should go on your way and keep living life. Don’t settle down so young, there’s always time for that later.
If you do marry him, just know this will only get worse and divorce will be a hell of a lot harder than a break up.
You’re too young for this whole relationship. You’ve been together since you were 16-17? It’s time to spend some time alone and find out who you are and who you are growing into. Can you move back in with your family?
You two need a break. You both sound immature.
Time to end things. I highly recommend living alone if you can make it work, i learned so much about myself living alone and its just kinda great too
it’s going to hurt now. it will hurt for a while. but do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t make you happy? you need to put your foot down and leave. don’t let him tempt you with begging you to stay. if you’re able, move back in with your family while you get yourself back on your feet again. we only life one life, and to waste our prime with someone who we don’t see a future with, it’s pointless!!
Sounds like he’s with you just for sex?
Break up and date other people. Most of us outgrow our teenage relationships.
You can either sit down and talk it out and see if there’s a way to fix the issues (but you both have to really want to fix them) or you accept that you don’t want the relationship and don’t want to/cant change that much to make it work.
Maybe he would be open to being less sex motivated and being more patient and forgiving of interrupting or maybe you would both be happier if he had someone who matched him that way and you can someone to match you.
Finding a partner is a balance between fighting for and changing for someone (if you’re not willing to do any then it will be very hard or impossible to have a happy long lasting relationship) and but also it needs to feel worth it and not change so much you don’t feel true to yourself anymore so you have to pair that with finding someone who’s compatible with you.
The more willing to work and adapt and bridge the gap, the more different from you your partner can be. No one is in the wrong for it not lining up, as long as you’re honest about your feelings and don’t drag someone along that you don’t want to be with
I know you are hearing this a lot but being told you are too young to be in such a serious relationship is not an insult. You met as teens; you haven’t had much expired meeting new people and figuring out what you like or want.
We say this as grown ass people who know that who we were at 20 is different then who we are at 30 or 40. This isn’t to say that you can’t fall in love at age but what happens is that when we are young we seem to think that love means putting up with being unhappy and unfulfilled.
That expression “Love isn’t Enough” has been around forever for a reason; love brings you together but compatibility & respect keeps you together.
You are not sexually compatible and he doesn’t respect you. His lack of respect for you shows in how he treats you regarding the conversation/interruption issue and prioritizing his family over yours. Family should kinda be equal.
And the conversation/interruption thing sounds like a him issue. I can’t imagine someone stopping for 30-50 seconds in a conversation; I would automatically think they were done because thats how most people talk.
Just remember if you are NOT happy, you are free to go. You don’t need his permission or agreement to end it. But make a plan before you end it, figure out where you will go and maybe plan to have someone like a male family member to be present when you pick up your stuff so he doesn’t try to argue with you or make you feel intimidated.
You deserve to be happy in your relationship!!!
You said “Not to mention we never see my family and we always prioritize his family over everything.”
You also said, “I have no friends and I was just fired from my last job.”
I can’t guarantee what I’m about to say because I haven’t met either of you, but I would say I’m close to 90% positive of the following.
He is isolating you. He is creating distance between you and any support you may have outside of him. I’d like to ask why you lost your job? Was it something you did? Was the place struggling? Or was it the result of actions he took, such as making you chronically late for work? Calling repeatedly and interrupting your work? Causing drama at work? And such. Because he could very easily have caused enough issues that you were fired. And it would be one more step to removing your support system and ability to stand on your own. Without a job it becomes a lot easier for him to use finances as a means of control.
The only time I had anyone get angry with me for “interrupting” when they paused for that long, they were an abusive partner. So when someone else tried to scold me for interrupting when they paused at the end of a sentence, I told them point blank that I will mentally count out to no more than 5 seconds. If it’s any longer of a pause, then it’s not interrupting. Because they aren’t talking then.
Pausing as long as he does and then getting angry when you say something sounds very deliberate. It’s a trap. Either you assume he’s done talking and reply – which he calls interrupting and gets mad at you for, or you stay quiet and say nothing – which takes your voice from you and makes you far less likely to call him out for harmful behaviour.
The more he can isolate you, keep you dependent, and keep you quiet the more control he has. And the more it happens, the worse the control gets. Along with abuse.
Hey! Yall were kids and still are. Please don’t be in a rush to get married. Go see your family, they’re forever! If he prioritizes his family and isolates you from yours that’s manipulative and weird. As for like him wanting sex everyday, you don’t seem compatible that way and please don’t let him pressure you into sex especially bc yall are engaged. Focus on you. Move home or in somewhere with roommates, get a stable job, and take some time to heal.
Don’t marry someone you’ve been dating since high school. Just don’t do it.
Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that you have to put up with bs or sacrifice your happiness for their’s or get stuck with them the rest of your life. Your boyfriend is toxic, on top of being a manipulator, with a heavy dose of narcissism. Also, it sounds to me like he has successfully isolated you. That is abusive. Why did you lose your job? Was it because he was preventing you from getting to work on time or getting to work at all? You’re too young for this bs. Get rid of him. Save yourself. Move out. Btw, don’t feel obligated to give him a heads up. When he’s at work, just pack up your stuff, and leave. Tell him to tell his precious family to give him a ride home. They now have the privilege of chauffering him. Just say ‘f this!’ and leave. You’re too young for this bs.
Happiness comes from within. An attitude of gratefulness for the many positive things in your life will help you find happiness. Literally, make a list of the people that love you, friends that you have but don’t reach out to, the belongings you own, you have a place to stay, a cell phone, food, etc. Improve your mental health and then evaluate your relationship again.
You don’t have kids together, so make it a clean break fast. Sometimes people grow up together, and sometimes one severely outpaces the other. You’re also at a time in your lives where change happens so fast.
I think you have grown apart. You were just kids when you got together and you have grown apart. To be honest at this age it’s probably a good idea to be single for a couple of years and learn about YOU. Give you a chance to discover yourself. Leave him and go and be happy and free.