I (18 f) want to abandon my family and my physically/ mentally disabled mom
In 2022 my mom had a stroke she was 43 when it happened, i had just turned 15 at the time. My dad and siblings are hot shorts (they haul stuff places like construction equipment) they’re jobs are on call so when they have to work i have to drop everything im doing to go take care of my mom.
My dad (47 m) owns his own hot shot company, my brother (26 m) and sister (24 f)work for him. my dad is a one armed, burly, hard working man, he can do stuff that a two handed person couldn’t. He loves my mom (46 f) very much and can’t say no to her sometimes.
My siblings still live at home and have not made an effort to move out yet, I know that it is harder now to move out but they also make around $30 an hour Canadian.
I have calculated every expense I would have and a budget to move out on minimum wage and it is possible, I also have a list of every item I would need to live comfortably.
I have to take care of my mom because
We can’t afford a care aid for her and because I have to be available 24/7 in case my family has to work I have not been able to get a job since I was 15, my dad doesn’t give me money for taking care of her because I live at home for free and its family. Now that I’ve graduated high school I want to go to the next step in life like everyone else my age is, I want to move out, get married and have kids one day but I’m unable to get a job.
I have talked to my dad about getting a job and he said “it’s family or your career”, I don’t think he understands how much I have sacrificed for my mom, I’ve jeopardized my education, cancelled plans, I have given up my future and I have to go through basically losing my mom at 15 because she’s a completely different person in my mom’s body, I love my family but this isn’t what I want to be for the rest of my life.
I have thought about leaving but I know it would be really hard for my family but AITAH for wanting to leave my family?
Extra context
• I did not get a choice to take care of my mom
• I don’t get paid
• my siblings where all ready work so it was easier for me to
• we can’t afford a care aid
• we live 9+ hours away from any extended family
• we have some close family friends but my dad doesn’t want to ask them for help
Comments
You’re not the AH at all. You didn’t sign up to be a full-time caregiver at 15. That’s not “being part of a family,” that’s unpaid labor with no way out. Wanting to live your own life isn’t selfish it’s necessary. Your siblings are grown adults making solid money, your dad owns a business, and yet you’re the one stuck? Nah. You deserve a future too.
NTA at all. I know your mom is disabled, but you deserve to live your life. None of this is fair to you at all. Do not feel guilty for wanting more out of your life, honey. Go get that degree and that husband! I’m in your corner rooting for you.
NTA. This is too much to ask for someone your age. Has your dad looked into long-term care in an assisted living facility? He might be able to get some help paying for it, depending on his income. Of course he won’t want to do it, but if she is completely disabled, it’s not fair to expect you to give up your life.
NTA. You should not have to give up your life and your dreams at 18 to be an unpaid caregiver. If all 3 of them are working, then they can pool their money to hire someone to help, especially since both sibling are still at home and don’t have a rent payment.
You deserve to live. It might be hard for a while, but it will be worth it. Good luck!!
You deserve to be happy and have the future you have dreamed of !! Don’t let family or anyone take that away
Just leave! You’re an adult. Your dad has you in indentured servitude. Meaning he is holding you against your will to serve as your mom’s caregiver. Get a bus ticket to extended family that can and will help you out of this situation. Get your important papers, tell no one. Leave a note and go. Your father is responsible for his wife not YOU!! Don’t be bullied because essentially they holding you like a slave. Sell jewelry or whatever you gave of value you have to get a bus ticket or get some money from your siblings saying you need to buy something. If you have a phone buy yourself a ticket on line. Don’t tell anyone in your family. Only tell who you trust. Your dad will have to figure it out. Not the ideal way to go but they’re got to beat you down and make you stay.
If you’re in the US, your mom might be eligible for home health via medi-cal, though probably the worst timing with the new administration.
At 18, you are hard wired to be able to put in the work to learn life skills that will support you financially. If you wait another 10 years, it’s possible, but so much harder. Get out now. Your father married your mom, in sickness and in health, he’s the one that needs to figure this out in a way that does not involve bullying your into doing everything.
NTAH Please, choose yourself. If your mom was in better mental health, my guess is that she would want that for you as well.
My question to dad would be why am I the default caregiver? Why do I have to be the person who never has spending money? Your siblings and dad can each rotate a day or week caring for your mom. You had no choice, you spent part of your childhood caring for someone else, now it’s your turn to decide what you want to do. You deserve a life too, don’t let your family make you feel guilty. Make plans and then follow them. NTA and your family needs to exhaust all options to help care for your mom.
In Canada, depending on what province, there are excellent social programs for the disabled. Not knowing your province, I can’t say what they are. But they all have them. They need to apply for them. So the whole “we can’t afford them” is total BS. When your mom had the stroke, she would have been assigned a social worker at the hospital who would have assessed what help she would need and be eligible for. But for this you have to interact with the social worker and accept the help. Your parents are not asking for assistance because you’re their plan A. Which is totally unfair.
You will not be abandoning them. You’re now telling them they need to find their new plan A.
My advice, go get some student loans and get some post secondary. You’re going to need something more to support yourself. Minimum wage is not sustainable for the long run. It’s going to be a hard life. You don’t necessarily need to get a degree, but maybe a trade or careers in health care. And leave your city to go to school. Then they can’t fall back on you.
Good luck! But you’re doing the right thing putting yourself first.
Honestly, your father is kind of the asshole for not appreciating how your mother’s condition has affected your life. Also, you were not put on this earth to care for your mother and you should not feel like you owe her anything because you don’t. Her and your father’s jobs are to take care of you. Your mother can’t do that now and since your father won’t, it’s up to you to take care of yourself. So put yourself first guilt free and go live your life.
You are not an AH for how you feel. Buy neither is your mom for struggling with her situation and desire to be at home.
Your dad and siblings, while affected also, are AHs for not sharing the caregiving burden with you. And considering how much you are sacrificing right now, they should all offer to pay you something. Hopefully, your mom will recover enough to care for herself again.
You’re not abandoning your family, hon. You’re becoming an adult and starting your own life, which is what you are supposed to do.
You are kinda the asshole, you cant just leave your mom like that, how many sleepless night did she spend to raise you.
You need to work this out and really talk with your family about this, maybe its a cultural difference, but life is made of sacrifices.
You all as a family need to fix this, if it aint working ask your aunts or uncles to intervene and talk some sense into your dad.
It might be that your father really doesnt want anyone else to take care of her bcs he thinks you are the best choice aince its your mom.
Also he hasnt realised yet you have frown up.
He also lost his significant other, so its hard for him aswell, and everyone deals with it differently.
NTA
You are being parentified, and that is abuse. Your dad is requiring you to take on adult responsibilities for your mom in a way that restricts you from growing into independence. With no job and no money you have no options or opportunities to increase your education and career skills, to build an independent adult identity and lifestyle, or even pursue self care and hobbies that support and recharge you.
If your mom needs full time care, your dad should be seeking home health aide services and perhaps eventually, an assisted living placement. It’s terribly unfair and harmful to your growth and development for him to trap you, penniless, as the live in unpaid caregiver for your mom.
I don’t know what your path to escape and independence will look like. But you are 100% justified to seek that. Perhaps an organization that supports people living in abusive relationships could be a resource for information and accessible services for you.
Nta. I’m sure the government of Canada has some sort of caregiver program. apply to a college away and go. you cannot spend the next forty years as your mom’s unpaid nurse, it is wrong of your mom and dad to demand that of you. If your sibs live at home, there should be funds to pay you and therefore a caregiver not you.
NTA. They’re treating you like a slave. At the bare minimum you all 4 should be taking turns and maybe hiring someone to fill in the blanks. They aren’t going to let you go or stand on your own two feet as far a taking advantage of you makes your life easier. If you have access to any resources for support through your schooling use it.
This situation is no different than if it were an older disabled sibling that you were raised to care for the long term. I say this because I have actually read a couple of stories on here with that specific scenario.
You should be able to choose the life you want. Why does everyone else get to have the life they want but not you? You want more. And you are allowed to want more and have the ability to go after it.
If your dad can’t afford a caregiver, then it seems like he will have to find a way to make that happen.
I wish you all the best on your new journey for the future you want!
You need to have your own life. Study/job/travel. I think you should move out. But you need that job first and I think your dad sabotages you so you can’t leave. What would they do with your mum when you leave? Are there care homes for people in her situation? Your dad will need to sort something out for her that doesn’t involve you. It is unfair of him to expect you to give up your life to look after his wife/your mum.
NTA tell your father you need to start your life and need money to live so if he cannot pay you you will have to move on FAMILY DOES NOT EQUAL SLAVERY
NTA. if you can, i’d plan a mediated conversation with your family through a therapist or some other professional who can support you in this. it’s very clear that you love your family and want to support them, but you’ve been put in an impossible position here. this isn’t a choice anyone could make easily, and i commend you for your grace in this. ❤️
(edited to fix a typo)
NTA, OP.
Your family dumped all responsibility for caring for your mother on you, and they are quite comfortable leaving you to get stuck there forever unless you decide to stand up for yourself.
Be prepare to be accused about how you “don’t care about family,” but fuck them, OP. Notice how for three years no one has decided to take a pay cut so you can hire a professional, licensed adult to take care of your mom; no one has arranged shifts to relieve you. They only care so long as they don’t actually have to do anything about it.
You’ve done your part for three years. Three adults with established careers can figure it out if a 15 year old can.
NTA you are entitled to a life. You are entitled to money and to chose a career.
Your Dad needs to pay you or you need to go get a job somewhere. Or get training for a career.
You need to tell home he cannot expect you to care for mom without money to at least get things you wajt/need and he need to start thinking about arrangements for when you leave home. You cannot be expected to care for your mother for the rest of her life.
NTA. you are young, you need to build your life and stand on your own feet. you are not the only one in this family and seriously, your DAD gave the vows ‘through sick and health’, not you (if they are married ofc.)
don’t let them step over you any longer, nor let you force yourself into something you don’t want from the bottom of your heart.
NTA.. id pack up and go it’s hard on them yes but it’s also hard on you having to stop your life
NTA.. i’m sorry your dad is a shitty parent. Prioritizing everybody else above you.
NTA! Having moved back in with my mother to take care of her for her last four years – with four years of living close by and taking care before that – I find no fault in your wish to have a life of your own. Your family wont grant you this, you have to do it on your own.
Are you in the US? If you mom is on disability (& she should be), a family member can be paid as a care giver. Sometimes through insurance or SSDI.
Google – Get paid as a caregiver for a family member
NTA
NTA
So, without knowing where you are, in the USA there are agencies that send aides, and insurance covers it. Tell your dad he needs to look into this, and leave. You are not responsible for your mom, your father is and he needs to step up and take care of his wife. Or make arrangements for trained professionals to come in.
NTA.
If you want to try and keep a relationship with your family, then you need to talk to all of them together and get them to understand the reality of your situation.
However, for this conversation, you need to be prepared to leave. Make sure you have a solid plan set in place to leave before you start the conversation in case the end result may not allow for any other outcome.
During this talk, you need to point out that what your father said was manipulative and putting that choice over your head is wrong. You have been a child who had to be the primary caretaker for your mother and that was not right, especially when there were 3 adults available who should have been a bigger part of the caretaking.
That because you love and respect them, you are choosing to give them the opportunity of making these decisions together now. However, if they are unwilling to understand your perspective or work together in the situation, let them know that you are ready to leave for your own good. That they must understand that although you love them enough to want a better future for the entire family there is no one else around who wants a better future for you but yourself and so you must be the one to advocate for yourself. And if they want this family to work, then the entire family needs to make a decision on how to include you having the same amount of autonomy that they have in their own lives. Your daily sacrifices and forced caretaking is no longer an option. These are your boundaries.
And in the end if you have to leave but you still want to have a future with your family, then you leave letting them know that the door is open for reconciliation, not manipulation, when they are ready. And that you’ll always love them and want more for the family, but you have to start taking care of yourself now.
Good luck.
NTA and hugs you. Do you have a trusted adult in your corner who you can talk to? Someone who can join you when you speak to your parents about this?
You have excellent reasons for moving out and I am totally behind you doing this but I think that it would be worthwhile to outline
A) the circumstances you are living with
B) the options you have available
You should not have to explain this all yourself. Putting you into the box of providing care is easy and workable for your folks but eminently unfair to you. Another adult can make them see this (or shame them into seeing this). If it’s someone whom they trust, that’s great but most important, it needs to be someone you trust to have your back. Good luck. Would love an update!
NTA for wanting to experience ‘life’. I think it’s time to sit down and talk to your dad. It would be cruel to leave him in the lurch. At some point “what if they want to fly?” has to have crossed his mind. And, paid caregivers get time off – you being on-call 24/7 isn’t fair.
You might want to check in with the r/caregiversupport sub and see how folks in there have handled this. They’re very sensible folks and they might be able to provide a different perspective for the conversation
Either that or sign up for school , and go even if it t its only an excuse harder for people to give you shit 💩 f your taking your next step in life but you deserve to move on with your life
When you can, leave. He is trying to put his responsibilities on to you. He married your mum, he is her partner. You’re a kid who deserves the life they choose, and you didn’t choose this one. Him giving you an ultimatum like that means there’s no talking to him. You’ll need to take the first step by yourself.
I work in Canadian health care.
I know things vary province to province your mom should definitely qualify for some form of home care. Most provinces have a #free health care phone consultation line. You can tel them what your mom’s functioning is and what home care or respite is needed. Your dad may have never tried this or declined services because he prefers you.
How is this impacting your mental health? Most provinces have a mental health phone consultation line. If your mental health is suffering call them. They can likely also point you in the right direction to receive home care for your mom.
Finally most major cities have help lines. If you call them they are often able to transfer your call to the correct health phone support.
NTA. This financial and emotional abuse. Are you still in school this year? Talk to a school counselor. Call a domestic violence helpline for resources and to get a plan. Would any extended family support??
This is NOT okay. It isn’t right that they expect that you will be an unpaid, burnt out servant for the rest of your life with no friends or relationships.
Your choice is career or family. Your choice is to have a much deserved and autonomous life. Be prepared that you family will be completely unsupportive and use every trick to guilt you to stay. You may have to sneak out because they want to use you.