So my dad is a classic narcissist. SUPER abusive to us growning up verbally but alsways finacially provided for us (even though he complained all the time). my mom fought cancer for 7 years and my dad was a D*CK to her majorty of the time behind closed doors. My mom asked us to keep the peace for her so we did. I personally had MASSIVE issues with him and saw more of it first hand so she knew better htan to ask me to take care of him when she died so she asked my oldest brother. He is doing it but hates it… well, since she’s died i’ve gone No Contact with him. He is telling everyone he sees how I’ve left him and doesn’t even check in on him…. but this guy terrorized me as a kid and my mom during her darkest times…. I’m mexican for context…. so in our culture BLOOD superseeds anything but honestly,…. he can go hungry for all i care. Since she’s died, hes had SO many issues. He needed eye surgery (i refused to help by transporting him because he always complained baout taking my mom to dialysis in her last days), he litterally CUT his finger off (i only helped because the doctor’s office called me because he didn’t have his Medicare card so I gave the info but didn’t check in on him or anything)…. now he’s telling everyone i’m cold hearted.
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So my dad is a classic narcissist. SUPER abusive to us growning up verbally but alsways finacially provided for us (even though he complained all the time). my mom fought cancer for 7 years and my dad was a D*CK to her majorty of the time behind closed doors. My mom asked us to keep the peace for her so we did. I personally had MASSIVE issues with him and saw more of it first hand so she knew better htan to ask me to take care of him when she died so she asked my oldest brother. He is doing it but hates it… well, since she’s died i’ve gone No Contact with him. He is telling everyone he sees how I’ve left him and doesn’t even check in on him…. but this guy terrorized me as a kid and my mom during her darkest times…. I’m mexican for context…. so in our culture BLOOD superseeds anything but honestly,…. he can go hungry for all i care. Since she’s died, hes had SO many issues. He needed eye surgery (i refused to help by transporting him because he always complained baout taking my mom to dialysis in her last days), he litterally CUT his finger off (i only helped because the doctor’s office called me because he didn’t have his Medicare card so I gave the info but didn’t check in on him or anything)…. now he’s telling everyone i’m cold hearted.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My dad was married to my mom for 52 years and now shes dead and only has the kids to help take care of him — my mom treated him like a child — now he doesn’t know how to do anything for himself and as the only girl in my family… i think everyone assume it was going to be me…. but i just can’t get over how he treated her when she died.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA – You reap what you sow.
Prioritise your wellbeing now OP in a way your Dad never did.
YTA
NTA…You are not responsible for him. The past doesn’t suddenly cease to exist because he’s old. Cold hearted? Perhaps, but that doesn’t mean it’s not justified.
NTA. It doesn’t matter if he’s a 30 year old AH or a 75 year old AH. He abused you and your mother – and her even in her dying days. Just because you had a roof over your head and food doesn’t make it ok. Just because he is your blood does not give him a pass. There is no excusing what he’s done. Do not feel bad. Some people don’t deserve our time and energy.
What goes around comes around.
NTA
Just think about what you would want if you were in his shoes…
NTA. Let him say whatever he wants. Let others think whatever they want. Don’t bad mouth him. If his criticism comes back around to you simply reply, “It’s an unfortunate family situation.” If the person talking to you continues to press for information, say, “I can understand why you might be curious or confused.” Do not engage.
NTA
Family is more than just blood; it’s an actual connection, and he didn’t bother building it with you. Now he’s getting the consequences of his actions, and rather than owning up and trying to fix it, he’s blaming you and always will. A narcissist can never see they’re wrong, but you will always be their fall guy.
You got kids. Just know they are learning from you.
Nta. From someone with the same kind of dad, stay away!!!!! I helped mine out and took care of him, like the dutiful, submissive daughter he trained, I mean raised, me to be. Only to find out that he lied and manipulated me the whole time he was sick. He took everything I had built for myself the last 30 years, my daughter, housing, everything. And he did it with a smile on his face, proud he was screwing me over so well. Don’t let your dad fool you. Don’t let him tell you your life doesn’t belong to you, but to him. Do not let him erase the life you’ve made for yourself because his wants are the only thing that matters. Do not let him keep taking while being abusive at the same time. I spent my life treating others as I want to be treated, kindness, respect, all that good stuff. After 48 years, the last 2 being his caregiver, I finally learned that doesn’t work, and now I match energy. His final lesson he tried to drive into my head was that I actually am invisible, not worth the air I breathe, and only good for what I can provide for others. I fight every day to not believe this. Please, do not let your dad do this to you!! Don’t feel bad for protecting yourself from him.
NTA, Tell everyone who will listen the WHY
He deserves it. It’s time for you to heal.