Tittle pretty much sums it up… I got home from work and she was in the phone talking with one of her friends. My fiancee was involved in several toxic relationships through her teens and 20s, last one lasted 3 years from which she had one child. When we started dating her child was 2 years old.
They were talking in the phone and she seemed a bit nostalgic about the thrill in her previous relationships. Then she said to her friend that being a single mom is the main reason she believes lead her to dating someone this different from her previous relationships. Before, she said, she was all about emotions, adrenaline, etc. whereas now she looked for something more calm, a better environment for her child. She also mentioned this was the most “pleasant” relationship she’s ever had.
I don’t know if my feelings are justified, but I feel dehumanized and objectified. As if she does not value me as a person at all but just saw in me something positive for her and her child. I feel disgusting.
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You are her safe stable nice guy. Sounds like she doesn’t really love you and is only with you because the guys she is really attracted to won’t settle down.
Im sorry. Nothing would fix it for me. It hurts because your imagine of her and your future with her is uncertain but you have options. Pick the one your future self would thank you for
Erm dude, its highly likely she wouldnt have looked at you twice before the kid.
She had the kid and that fundamentally changed her outlook on life as its not just her. it’s her and her child.
So of course she was looking for stability and a safe relationship, and you, dating single mothers, should have known this going in, the kid is the priority, not you.
She said it was pleasant, silver lining?
Yeah, she made it sound like you’re interchangeable with anyone who can provide stability for her. That can’t feel good, and I certainly wouldn’t marry someone with this hanging over our heads. Not everything has to be wild, crazy, and romantic, but it seems like she was strategically looking for someone to make her life easier. And, well, you fit the bill. While your stable qualities are great, they should be the CHERRY ON TOP of all the other reasons that she adores and wants to be with you. You deserve to be wanted and loved for YOU, not for what you can provide her.
And if she’s telling this story to all of her friends, she’s making you look like a chump that she’s using.
Another way at looking at it is..
She admitting she was emotionally immature and becoming a single mother caused her to sort out her priorities and change here perspective on what makes a good partner.
Do you love her?
Do you believe she loves you?
Also you should probably have a conversation about how this made you feel with her. If you do have strong feelings it might be wise to get a couples counselor involved.
When you’re a 30 year old singing mother you have to take whatever you can get. She slept her way through her 20s with a bunch of hot guys, got knocked up and she needed a sucker to settle down with. She needed a meal ticket and you are the right guy to come along. Just understand where you stand. If she met you before she had a kid she wouldn’t have given you the time of day. I would guess that she’s pretty attractive and girls like her never gave you any attention. You really didn’t know the score before hearing that conversation?
I dunno, I don’t think I see this as explicitly bad. I could see how it would sound like you’re interchangeable with anyone who could be “stable”, but I think it also could be taken as her realizing her child made her reorient her priorities in a relationship. Which is normal, just often unspoken.
Worth talking about with her and expressing how it made you feel. If only to get clarification for your own sake.
Those all sound like compliments. I’m unsure why you are taking this as dehumanizing and disgusting?
Do you not associate pleasant and calm as being positives?
It sounds to me that she has acknowledged some personal growth after becoming a mother. Instead of choosing another toxic partner, she opted for someone who is more peaceful and stable, which benefits both her and her child. It doesn’t appear that you are just a placeholder for her; rather, it seems that having a child has influenced her to make better choices. But talk to her directly rather than making assumptions.
My worry would be that once she has you trapped in marriage she will step outside the marriage looking for excitement.
So what’s the problem? If you’re sure she loves you, then it’s not a problem. Everybody who is a mature adult looks at partners and someone dependable, trustworthy and loving. The emotional takes a bad seat to the practical. It happens. A good parent will ALWAYS put their child first. So let it go and keep your eyes open for how much she loves – or doesn’t – you.
HOWEVER, marrying a single mom comes with its own issues. Is dad in the picture? How much discipline can you apply? Ho do you feel about the child? How does the child feel towards you? And so on.
This is an everyday tale… a lot of women blow through their twenties and then want to settle down with the safe guy. She’s not marrying him for him. She’s marrying OP for the financial stability with her kid. What happens when her kid is grown?
I’d consider ending the relationship if I was OP and go find someone who’s all in FOR him
Dehumanized and objectified and disgusting is so dramatic, people these days labeling things like this has watered down so many words that used to be hard hitters. But anyway going immediately to Reddit before even asking her about it seems like a pretty poor decision to make. Maybe there is something more significant to what you’re feeling but it’s just as likely that you’re making a mountain of a mole hill
Op, I think she’s grown as a person. She was talking to a good friend. I say all kinds of things to my friends. I don’t think she was saying anything out of the ordinary or negative. What she’s saying is she grew up & now realizes what she and her child both need…which is you. Calm & pleasant=happy. I can see how hearing what she said may have spun your brain, but I think you’re thinking way more negative when it’s a positive. I def would have a conversation with her or this will eat you alive.
Updateme
I think you’re spiralling a bit, and there are many different ways to interpret what she said.
I’m now a mother as well, and it totally changes your outlook on what is valuable, important, loveable. It’s not that I’m looking for stability for my kid (I can provide on my own anyway), it’s that it fundamentally changed what I find attractive. The great looking guy with a motorcycle is less attractive to me than the guy who has a sense of humor when he’s having a rough day, and stays calm in a crisis, is loyal to his mates.
So – did she mean she wanted what you could provide for her kid? Or did she mean she saw life differently because she was a mother, and her hormones, brain and outlook had changed?
The comment about adrenaline seeking and thrilling – sounds like the intensity of immaturity and youth. It might be drama filled and exciting but it doesn’t sound like she wants to go back there, or date those guys.
I’m going to hell for this, but if you’re looking for validation from someone who sees you as more than a provider, maybe it’s time to have an honest conversation about what “pleasant” really means in a relationship and whether it aligns with your needs.
The reason someone starts dating someone is not the same thing as the entire relationship. Say before she had a kid she was constantly seeking the extreme emotions b/c of the high. She has a kid and now she says yes to a guy she wouldn’t look at twice.
That’s a starting point. That’s not your whole relationship.
As a human female, I would replace what you heard with the following
“Ugh, I was such an idiot in my 20s, I used to go whoever made my insides tingle and it was just wild, toxic, shit relationships. When I had my child, it really shifted my perspectives, leading me to get into this lovely healthy relationship. Like, it’s actually pleasant (vs how I described my old relationships as tumultous, unstable, stressful.)
None of that says “I settled for this shmuck” it just says “I opened a door I wouldn’t have opened before I had a kid and I am so glad.”
I really think you are overthinking and hurting yourself and your relationship. But at the end of the day, just talk to her.
As a thirty something, I love my partner utterly. (And yeah, we still have a lively sheets life) but I am grateful that I can use words like “comfortable” or “fulfilling” to describe our relationship. In my twenties, I would have used words like “confusing, stressful, emotionally abusive.”
I didn’t settle for him for stability. I grew up enough to appreciate and cultivate things that i was too dumb for in my twenties . . And fwiw, I think that is true of all of us.
I don’t think this is a bad thing at all. Lots of women pick all the wrong guys in their youth and when they mature they start to realize what they find thrilling is just not good for them in the long run. They start to look for a stable, loving, man to spend their life with. Plenty of men do this as well and date plenty until they decide to settle down and want someone who is “wife material”. They don’t have the same considerations when they are just having fun that they do when they want a life partner. You are who she chose as a life partner and nothing she said sounds negative to me. Talk to her about your feelings.
I’m really sorry for how much that must have hurt. But please, when you’re able to, talk to her about it. It’s likely to be much better than you imagine right now, and in any case it can’t be worse.
You sound like a really lovely person
Big hugs
She’s with you because you have the ability to provide her a safe place to live for her and her child. Basically you were a soft spot for her to land when her relationship with the baby daddy crashed and burned. Her saying that to her friend when she didn’t know you were listening, shows that she isn’t in love with YOU, she’s in love with your ABILITY to care for her and her child. I’m a big believer that when someone tells you who they really are, believe them the first time. She unknowingly told you who she really was, question is what are you going to do about it? If it were me, the engagement would be over and she’d have 30 days to find new accommodations for her and the kid.
I’m your GF, just 10 years older, and a few years further into a relationship than you both are.
Up to about 31 I dated stoner guys, thrill guys, guys that were exciting on the outside. On the inside, they wanted a submissive gf that followed them along or they wanted someone they could take their anger out on or they seemed exciting but really were just trash.
I was immature. I realised I kept getting hurt by “my type”. So I dated against type, and I went hard on that. I dated someone in law enforcement, someone who likely would have locked up 75% of my former exes.
It wasn’t objectification or dehumanising him. Just like when you start dating anyone, you make a subconscious list of things you look for, I just flipped my list. I don’t know what attracted you to her, but I’d reason that if you were to “list” the reasons why you chose to date her as just personality traits or looks it too would sound dehumanising. But that’s always how it starts.
The important bit is how it develops. I found dating against type made me a better person, and turns put he too was dating against type (tattoo, piercing, wild past). He brings he back down to earth, I bring him out his shell. I’m more Liberal and he softens on somethings, but at the same time he’s more Conservative (not what right wing is now specifically UK Conservative) and he makes me see the other side of things. We make each other better and balance each other out.
Yes I stay because he is stable, reliable and has a steady income. But so do I, and part of that is because of dating him, he’s my anchor. And when you being it down to just a few traits it still sounds like I’m dating him for those traits. But it’s so much more, we have fun, we live each other, we brighten ea h others days, we support through bad times. I’ve helped him explore his childhood and come to terms with a few things.
So yeah, it could be easy to over think this, you heard a small part of a conversation. It could be easy to feel like she boiled it down to 1 or 2 traits, but I bet if you look at your whole relationship you’ll see there’s so much more. Love, joy, shared values, shared memories, compromises, showing up for each other.
But worst case scenario if you cant get past this right now think about this- every relationships/friendship/family tie you have are transactional you bring something to the table, so do they. That’s why kids stop talking to awful parents, or some couples split up, because ultimately a relationship is about what we all bring to the table. Maybe think about what she brings for you? Ask yourself what traits of hers make you stay? What traits of hers make you want to marry her? Write it down and then see if you only heard one would some of them sound dehumanising out of context. Because I bet there would be something, that would make her, if over heard as a snapshot, feel dehumanised, but it isn’t the full picture. And I think you know that.
At the end of the day, growing up and realizing what makes for family and long lasting love and relationships is what she is talking about with you.
I was always the “looks good on paper” and the “type of girl you marry”. I struggled with my self esteem not being the hot one, etc. I was attractive enough and had attention and it was always very respectful attention. I look back now and I realize how lucky I was to be viewed that way. I look back on the men I dated and most (not all) were actually really good men. They weren’t my person.
I wasn’t the hot chick but I still was desirable. Just in a different way. And for that reason, I rarely dealt with men who tried to just use me for my likes but who looked at me for who I was.
And it doesn’t mean she’s not passionate about you. She just realized what passion and intimacy really mean.
Be thankful you’re not the dramatic user. That’s not a flex.
So yeah. I look back when I started dating 35 years ago and I realize that I had enough attention and I had the right kind of attention (for the most part). It’s a shame she had to become a single mom before realizing how valuable a person like you really is, but it doesn’t change what she feels.
You treat her the way you do because you’re a good man. And that is why she loves you. While I understand the excitement of EXTREME passion, etc and wanting to be that person, that isn’t sustainable. Having a sustainable level of passion and intimacy is much more enjoyable.m
Edit to add: and this is why we don’t suggest ever doing direct comparisons of relationships. Think of the game “MFK”. There are people you’d look at and just want to F, but having a lifelong relationship with them? Yikes.
We all want to believe we are the best ever for our partner. And the reality is, we are the best holistically. Every relationship is different. And every relationship offers a different path.
Sorry man, she’s using you, that’s the hard and sad truth. If I heard my wife say that I’d be out, there’s no changing my mind after learning you’re basically a safe wallet she can count on.
But hey, you’re not alone, most single mothers settle for the “safe” guy so they don’t have to struggle with the consequences of their actions.
My advice would be to think really hard about this and decide if that’s something you want for yourself. Can you handle knowing this fact? I know I wouldn’t. I’d talk to her about it and let her know I’m not going to be her wallet and safe place just so when the kid is older she can leave me for excitement
You can pick the negative bits if you like, but she also said that “this is the most pleasant relationship she’s had”. That is a big deal and worth a lot more than initial thrills that wear off in time no matter who you are with – then you can be left with a shithead who’s getting their thrills elsewhere and does nothing to enrich your life in other ways.
I think this is something you just need to talk about with her. If you feel like you need some space, take some space and evaluate how you really feel. If she genuinely wants to be with you, she’ll be ok with it.
I think her comments are fine and normal but I do think the dynamics might be the issue here.
I guess at 31 are you wanting to be more of a short term thrill seeking quick fling for a partner? Or are you wanting to be the mature stable forever partner?
Personally I don’t think there is a wrong answer because everyone’s lives happen at their own pace. But being hurt because she acknowledges you are different in a good way to her doesn’t really seem like too bad of a thing.
Women there is not a single guy on earth who wants to hear his wife’s previous partners were exciting but he’s good too because he’s more calm and a better provider. There is zero chance this will be taken positively no matter how much you mean it to be positive. I’d be pissed if my wife said this about me.
I’ll probably get downvoted to oblivion for this but as a woman who has had a similar conversation, I view this in a context differently than most probably do. I was trying to relate to a friend in a toxic relationship who discovered she was expecting a baby and stated to her ” (Her current partner) is fun and exciting but when you become a mother you want stability and comfort. The excitement isn’t as important” now that may sound bad if that is all you hear but if I attacked her current dynamic as having no value to her, she would have dismissed my entire point. I met her were she was and attempted to show her that in the future what she will want is not what she thinks she wants now.
But also in the same line of thought, I used to Love being on a motorcycle. Wind in my hair, freedom, the risk of being open air going dangerous fast. It was Exhilarating. When I had kids I never once got back on a bike. Want to know what else is exhilarating, hiking a difficult trail and reaching the peak. This activity is safe and comfortable and hits all the things the dangerous activity hit for me.
Want to know what else I love, the calm nature of my home. No ups and downs and “excitement” of the toxic relationships I was in previously. My partner and I have a lot of excitement but not the toxic kind I erroneously romanticized in my youth. I wasn’t giving up what I wanted when I had children, My needs, Wants and priorities changed and I have the life I WANT and NEED now.
Talk with her and see how she meant it and hopefully for you, the answer you get is the one you need for the best life going forward 🙂
The issue is that OP feels like she settled for him now instead of actually wanting to be with him.
Dude your title and body are so different
I read your post twice. In my opinion, your fiancée spoke positively about you. She simply said that in the long run, you’re a much better life partner than her exes. They were more “exciting,” but after a certain point, you appreciate other things. My wife NEVER said I was exciting. But she always said she felt safe with me, that she could rely on me, that she felt loved and respected. And I know she always loved me very much. Of course, everyone dreams of hearing all the positive things about themselves, but that’s impossible. You can’t combine everything in one person. I personally accepted the fact that I was a “safe” partner for my wife because I knew that’s exactly what she needed. Your fiancée probably feels the same way. Talk to her about it when you’ve calmed down. Express your concerns, but try to really listen to what she says. Being a “good guy” is perfectly fine, as long as you find a partner who appreciates you.
Talk to her
tell her what you overheard and ask her to explain what she meant
How she responds will tell you whether she just didn’t express herself properly or if she really settled for you
None of us know what she meant
You have to talk to her and tell her it sounded like she was saying she settled for you, that you are not her type, and if she didn’t have a kid, she never would have given you the time of day
“Adrenaline” is not always good. A tiger chasing you will make your body release adrenaline, but it’s an obviously bad situation.
Dangerous things can be thrilling and exciting—often BECAUSE they are dangerous. Free solo mountain climbing with no ropes, for example. Or even just mountain climbing in general. Very exciting, big adrenaline rush, but constant risk of death.
If someone said, “I used to be into free solo rock climbing but now I have a 2 year old child so I found a different hobby to enjoy,” that isn’t a bad thing. That’s maturity.
Are you dangerously exciting? No, and that’s a good thing. I’m guessing that you have specifically chosen NOT to be a dangerous person. That’s a sign of your maturity. And your fiancee likes that about you.
Things can be good and wonderful without being dangerous. Your favorite food, or your favorite song. You are your fiancées favorite song, and that’s wonderful for you both.
Her past relationships might have been thrilling, but they weren’t pleasant. Her relationship with you IS pleasant. That’s an amazing compliment.
90% of life is making dinner, doing dishes, and going to the grocery store. The best relationships turn day to day life into something pleasant. It sounds like your fiancée grew up and realized that. Good for her. And good for you for being such a good person.
She realized that she didn’t want to be with a dirtbag. She realized that you were an amazing person to build a life with. She knows what her other options are, and she chose you. She continues to choose you every day.
Talk to her about it. I bet that you DO excite her, in ways that don’t threaten her life. Good for you, for being that person.
Sounds like she grew up and learned to look for healthier relationships.
Are you getting what you need out of this relationship?
She adjusted what she values in a partner away from toxic traits, and towards healthy ones. Good for her!
It may have taken her having a child to motivate her to make this change, but she made it. It’s not like she is settling, you have all the qualities that she’s interested in now. I don’t understand where the offense lies. Would you rather be part of her toxic past verses being part of her healthy future?
What did she when you talked with her about what you heard?
Sounds like she recognized she fucked up by going after the wrong type of guys in past relationships. Doesn’t sound like she said anything like she settled for you or that she is a gold digger. Just that you are different which isn’t bad.
And where is your testosterone? You can feel how you want to feel but it makes you sound like a wuss – dehumanized? Get over yourself.
I can see why you’re uncomfortable, but at the same time, I can see that what she said is not as bad as you’re portraying it. My Dad stopped smoking and riding a motorcycle because I was born. If I heard him saying he misses the thrill of it, but decided to change for his kid. I would not think it was negative. Her choosing to make better decisions because she is a mother is not an insult to you.
I think you need to have a conversation before deciding
I don’t see the issue here. She said having a child made her reassess her needs and priories. This is called “growth”. Many men would be thrilled at this.
She pretty much said you’re the safe, nice guy who she settled for. I’d be rethinking this relationship if I were you.
I think you’re misread what she was saying.
It sounds to me like she was saying she was willing to try something new because she knew she needed something different for herself and her child.
And as a result, it turned out to be the most pleasant and awesome thing.
I don’t think she picked you just because you could be a father figure or something similar.
And she picked you because you were something different and she needed something different. And you delivered in all the best ways.
Address it. At least get the full version.
It’s fucking wild how many people gloss over the fact “safe” is also synonymous with “boring” and “predictable,” not just physical or emotional safety.
Why would it be a bad thing that she saw you as a positive presence for her and her child? Why are you taking her comments negatively when all she said pretty much is that this is the safest she’s felt so far in a relationship?
It sounds like you’re just looking for an out
You did not give enough information. What exactly did she say? You left the details of what she was talking about pretty vague to where you can interpret them either way.
Your feelings are very justified. I feel like the people in this thread trying to excuse the things your fiancee said are somewhat missing the point. It is totally fine (and in fact a good thing) for a person to grow and change, no one is disputing that.
However, there is a difference between growing into different qualities that you are passionate about compared to making practical choices based on present needs. By way of analogy, this is the difference between someone going to the gym because they were lazy in their youth and their doctor is pressuring them into it and someone that turned into a health nut / gym rat. The motivation behind the choice matters.
You can try talking to your fiancee about this, but I can’t imagine she’ll do anything other than say all the platitudes you’d expect. Ultimately, you need to decide if you can be in a relationship with someone that doesn’t appear to find passion and excitement in you as a person.
You’re being gaslighted in these comments, think about it this way:
If she was not a single mom, she would have never chosen you. Is this something you can live with?
“safe”, “pleasant”, “calm” are euphemisms for “steady check”, “boring”, “predictable”
F that give her the excitement she still craves, send her back to baby daddy.
You should definitely have a talk about it at least. Maybe she can explain it in a way that makes it not as bad. One thing is for sure if you break up she will probably be much more into you given her past. Suddenly you will be a lot of emotion and adrenaline associated with you.
Serial daters and especially picking losers over and over should be seen as a big red flag IMO.
Imo it’s not so different from how you might look for someone at age 20 versus 30 versus 40. At each stage of your life, you’ve changed , and have different goals, which can include the type of person you are looking for.
Even a single dad, would probably look for a certain type of woman that is different from the type he’d look for if he were single.
Sounds like she decided she needed to choose a healthy and less toxic partner because she knew her daughter deserved better. Not sure why you’re offended to have been identified as a healthy and secure partner and the best relationship she’s had. Were you hoping to destroy her life?
JFC, it’s a compliment that you are non toxic, stable, and worthy of having in her and her child’s lives!
She learned what was good for her long term and she grew up.
Sigh. This comes up alot on these threads and in discussion. I feel sympathy for anyone being on the recieving end of these kinds of comments.
That said, you are armed with the info to move on. I mean, I don’t know if these people are pure narcissists or how they end up telling someone in a LOVE relationship, not some kind of arrangement, that they are only dating them for stability, for money etc.
That’s brutal to hear in a free society. “I’m dating U cos I’m broke and out of options” ehhhh no pls dont
Sounds like a compliment to me. She grew up, moved away from dating idiots, and she’s happy.
Let’s not dismiss how OP explains how this makes him feel. His feelings come from his guts. He’s had a red flag moment that is real for him. These are not the words he or I would want to hear, or even read from my fiancee of 3 years. He accidentally, I assume, overheard a conversation his fiancee was having in confidence with a friend.
Here are some important things from that conversation.
He’s been dating this single mom, with a daughter, for 3 years.
Before meeting OP, during her teens and her 20s, her relationships were emotional and had adrenaline (exciting).
It seems that as she matures and reaches her 30s, after 3 years of dating and planning marriage, she sees her relationship with OP as calm and a better environment for her child. Adding, it’s the most pleasant relationship she’s ever had.
No matter how we play with words to make this fit, she obviously settled for OP. In reality, they both have settled. We know why she settled, while he has settled for a woman who has a child. That is his choice.
I also married a single mom, and my wife married a single father. Been married for 39 years with our blended family. We fell in love and never thought about it being settling. Which comes to my problem with what OP has told us. There is no mention of the word love. Just imagine how different it would be if he’d heard, “it’s calm and a better environment for her child. It’s the most pleasant relationship I’ve ever had, and I love him so much.” How different would his feelings be?
Leaving her words as is, I would wonder if after marriage, if someone, say a coworker, with those ‘nostalgia’, adrenaline and excitement filled qualities, along with stability shows her attention, how safe would the marriage be? In these 3 years have a strong love foundation to fight future temptations, from both sides been built? He didn’t mention the word love either, l believe.
To be transparent, my ex-wife had an affair and was seduced by a smooth talking coworker. So my last paragraph may be where that comes from.
What do you mean?
She called this the most pleasant relationship she’s ever had. She admitted she was dating in the past for thrills, probably sex. Then she had a kid and realized she had to grow up. Probably matured and wanted something deeper than cheap thrills.
You just learned you are her MEAL TICKET.
I guess some men would stay, but be prepared to cuckle doodle doo sooner or later.
I don’t get why her choosing you and saying positive things about your relationship makes you feel “dehumanized and objectified.” Can you elaborate on that?
I would take what you heard as she grew the hell up and having a child made her realize that the toxic thrills were not it and so she was intentional about who she dated and chose to bring into her life and her child’s life.
It’s possible to talk about your past with a hint of “hoo boy that was fun” while also never wanting that for your life ever again. Like talking about college parties. Yes they were fun and I had fun but if you made me do any of that (up late, hard drinking, dancing for hours) I’d need to be checked into the hospital.
I don’t understand how someone saying you’re the most pleasant relationship they’ve been in is dehumanising
I’d tell her that you heard her on the phone and it had you feeling like you’re just the safe option/placeholder. Ask her if she would still be with you if she didn’t need you to help her with her kid. If she was sounding nostalgic then I think this is a problem and not her talking about her bad choices in the past.
Updateme
Congratulations you’re gonna Get gaslit