I’m 25 and a first time mom. My husband is 27. We’ve been staying with his family temporarily while saving up to move out. That “temporary” part? Starting to feel like forever. His mom acts like she’s the one raising my daughter. I swear, every major decision about my kid somehow runs through her first. What she eats, when she naps, what she wears, even what pediatrician we go to. She just decides. Doesn’t ask. Doesn’t even check with me. One time, I found out she switched my daughter’s formula without telling me. Just flat-out replaced it because she “read online” that the other one was better. My daughter ended up with a rash and diarrhea for three days. Her response? “Her body just needs to adjust. Stop being so sensitive.” I was done. So yesterday, when she started talking about enrolling my daughter in some early learning thing without even asking me, I snapped. I told her, “You need to stop making decisions like you’re her mom. I’m her mom. Let us be the parents.”
My husband just stood there. Didn’t say a word. Didn’t defend me. Just sat like a lump while his mom glared at me like I’d just insulted her whole bloodline. Now the whole house is cold-shouldering me. She’s acting like I overstepped. My husband says I should’ve said it “nicer.” But how do you say “Stop trying to control my child’s life” nicely when she’s been steamrolling me for months? I don’t even know anymore. Maybe I did go too far. Maybe I should’ve waited, or pulled her aside. But I was tired. I felt like I was being erased. So…AITAH?
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NTA. There’s a line between being helpful and overbearing. It doesn’t seem like she’s respecting your role as the parent, especially if she’s making decisions without asking you. What was your husband doing every time she was making decisions without consulting you? Was she consulting him instead? Regardless, it’s out of order, and it sounds like his lack of understanding may need to be a discussion later, too.
Sorry but you don’t have a MIL problem…you have a spineless mommy’s boy problem. Time you sit husband down and flat out ask who did he marry…you or Mom?
Time to move out. A studio apartment is better then putting up with this shit. When I left my ex with two kids I had a one bedroom. Still my favorite place. First time I could just relax and breathe. And it was all mine.
Uh, is MIL paying for all these things? Definitely need more info, why is MIL buying the formula to begin with? Was little one overdue for Dr visits? I guess I’m not understanding why MIL has access to any of this to begin with
You might have been – didn’t see or hear you. MIL is an AH irrespective. Good to stand up to her. Great to do it gracefully.
No you aren’t. But next time, speak up immediately instead of bottling it up like you did. Sounds like a difficult situation, I’m so sorry.
NTA – you need to move out to your own place asap.
YTA
Let me be clear: you are not TA for wanting to be the person making the calls on how your child is raised. OF COURSE it’s your role and your place, and not your MIL’s.
YTA because you:
You had a kid before you were able to provide it with a place to live. You, presumably, live more comfortably at your MIL’s house than you would on your own, but this means she is going to assume you’re not grown up enough or able to fully provide and make mature decisions. It doesn’t mean she’s right. But YOU ARE LIVING IN HER HOUSE.
When your MIL started overstepping you didn’t speak up. You just let her, you bottled it up which of course resulted in you exploding. That might have been avoided if you’d been mature enough to set boundaries as you went along.
Did you discuss the fact that this was bothering you with your husband? Because it was really HIS place to talk to his mom and ask her to step off.
I believe you need to apologize for speaking in that rough way. Not for what you said, but how you said it. You need to get your husband and yourself on the same page and have him back you up. ANd you need to set boundaries about where it’s ok for her to be involved and where it’s not.
Well, I kinda feel ESH, because your MIL keeps overstepping, your husband doesnt seem to have a spine, and youve made the choice to live (and keep living) in a house where this is all possible.
Im confused how MIL is even able to change the formula or what she wears .. ?
Get out of there asap, this behavior (MIL ànd husband) is nót ok ! You are fully in your right to raise your child and make the decisions for your child. Age or newly or experienced parent has nothing to do with that.
NTA. Time to have that talk with your husband and start looking for other accommodation… time to be on your own as a family!
NTA
Move home with your own parents. Tell DH that if he can man up and be a proper partner and parent. You will work on the relationship. Tell him you won’t even consider living with him as long as he is under his mommy’s roof. Ask him why he is okay with this dynamic? Does he want to be a dad or a brother? Because his mommy is treating his child like they are siblings. Also, if his mommy is running the show and acting like this is her child. How is it not fucking gross that mommy is pretending to be the parent of his child?
NTA. How do you stop your MIL from acting like she’s the mom?
Move out, get your own place. If your spineless mamas boy doesn’t wanna go, then move out on your own or go back to your mother‘s house.
As long as you’re living in her house, she is going to set the rules. Any pushback from you is going to start a war. You’ve already had the opening salvo.
NTA, but you should move out as soon as possible —your MIL is used to being in control and won’t relent until you’re out. i’m sorry your husband didn’t defend you. either he’s that terrified of his own mother, or more likely, he’s a “mama’s boy.” know that you are more than justified in your feelings over the welfare and care of your child. i hope everything works out okay!
NTA. Your husband is a huge problem. He should be telling his mother off.
If there’s any way that you can leave him with his mother, do so.
Solve the hubby, solve the MIL. But that is a dynamic, a set of habits, going back 27 years. But they have to be dealt with.
NTA
Yeah, it’s time to tell the mommys precious tit suckling toddler you married that it’s time to grow up.
OP-time to move out. I had an over-bearing Mother-in-Law that criticized every decision I made. The old bat bought me an Iron, because she wanted me to Iron my daughter’s
Clothes, the thing collected dust for years before I tossed it. “Didn’t your Mother teach you that” umm no! She picked at everything I did. Death by a million paper cuts. SIL was WORSE, why doesn’t she sleep on her stomach, my kids did, umm SIDS! We moved 5 hours away. Then eventually relocated 1,500
miles away. I chose my sanity and a GEOGRAPHICAL SOLUTION. I am my daughter’s mother. Choose YOU
OP, I must ask. How is this woman allowed so much control? From what is allowed here. It seems like she spends more time with your baby than you do. How can a non parent change the formula? Do you not make bottles or feed your child?
Not one of these things could have happened when my kids were babies.
…what are you doing while she is taking care of your baby? It’s easy to switch your baby’s formula if she is the one making the bottles and feeding the baby. It is easy to prevent these oversteps if you are feeding your own baby. Same goes for dressing and nap time. Why aren’t you the one taking care of your baby? You didn’t mention going to work and leaving her as the babysitter.
Your husband has enough balls to impregnate you, but not to stand up for you when Mommy Dearest is involved. You have every right to be pissed at your MIL for her overstepping and even more at hubby for standing there like a slack-jawed glassy eyed jellyfish. NTA and good luck.
You did NOT go too far. Your MIL already raised her kids, now it’s time to back off! And if your husband isn’t onboard with telling his mom to back off, then he’s on thin ice too. Where you live doesn’t dictate how you raise your daughter. Your MIL doesn’t get special consideration because you happen to be staying there. I’m sorry they are giving you the cold shoulder, but don’t back down with ANY of them. If you don’t take control now you will never get it back.
Never live with your in-laws (either of them) and never live in a trailer park. Those choices will save you from countless challenges.
Nobody is the AH. Well, except for the formula switching your MIL did secretly… seriously, WTF? You & your little family need to move out immediately. Familiarity breeds contempt. It’ll be slower going saving up to buy a house, but the overall peace it will bring will make it all worth it.
Your husband needs to be your husband WTH. Go talk to him have him establish boundaries and if he don’t then you can see if another family member or friend is willing to help you out for a while. Hopefully you can update us soon
Tell your man that you were lucky for having that child, cause now it would be impossible, considering that his mom keep his balls in her pocket.
Tell him that or he step up and start to behave like a dad and a husband or you will be a single parent soon. NTA but you would be one if you tolerate this behaviors.
Honestly, Yes.
100% Sounds like MIL is overstepping and being dismissive. AND you are the adult and parent. You need to communicate and set boundaries any time these things happen, when they happen. To wait until you are boiling over and explode on someone is going to make you the AH in that moment.
Talk to your husband and get clear as a team about how you want to parent, and how you want MIL to be involved. Then together go to her, apologize for exploding in that way and be honest about how you didn’t know how to navigate telling her she was doing things you don’t like because she is trying to be so helpful. Then both of you share what needs to change moving forward. And your husband (since its his mom) should be the first line of defense when it comes to holding to these new boundaries.
Time to move out.
Take your child and go.
Your weak-ass mommy’s boy isn’t going to ever stand up, especially in his mommy’s house where everything is as it has always been.
NTA
NTA you have a husband problem. He should be defending you and telling his mother to back off. You may have married a mama’s boy. I would recommend talking to a lawyer and getting an exit plan together.
“You should have been nicer” – the response should be “If you wanted nicer, you should have said something to her months ago. You have the power to say something that sticks much easier as her son than I do as the daughter in law. You feel you moved back home. I am a guest in the house and I’m tired of it”
Can you move in with your parents, even for a week?
Only one the asshole is the grandma can’t really be mad at ur husband bc he thinking atm great we gonna get evicted him being silent what might be why yall haven’t gotten evicted tbh
NTA but YTA to yourself and your daughter for continuing to live there. GTF out of there.
Your husband needs to let go of Mommy’s tit, and get his cojones out of her purse.
Ta but you need to tell your partner to grow a spine. I’d be moving out with or without him.
Remind me of that old movie Hush. Where the mother in law controls how the woman raises her daughter and when she tries to fight back MIL tries to kill her. Y’all need to get the EF out of Dodge. Tell hubby he needs to decide what is more important, his family or his mother. Good luck
She gotta go
I don’t understand how you didn’t know the formula had been changed. Who is buying it? Who is making the bottles? While I agree that you have a husband problem I wonder if you are also doing EVERYTHING you should be doing as her parent. ALL the things you would be doing if you had your own place.
You have a husband problem.
“MIL i wanted to have a chat with you if you don’t mind. I know you think you’re coming from a good place, but you are taking the experience of being a mother away from me in the way you are doing it. You make decisions for and about my daughter without consulting me, and although I appreciate you taking us in during this hard time, I do not appreciate you overstepping in how I raise my daughter. How do you think you would take it if your husband’s mother told you how to raise your son? Please stop taking the power of being a mother away from me, because that is what you’re doing. Please stop inserting yourself.”
It’s time to move out.
NTA but it’s definitely time for a SERIOUS conversation with your husband about who he is supposed to be married to and supporting (aka his wife, not his mom) and also that it’s time to move out.
If he doesn’t, maybe you and your daughter can move out then, because it won’t get better
he’s a mama’s boy. You need to divorce him. He’s never gonna stand up for you.
Move even if it’s just you and your kid. Get out she’s over stepping and your husband doesn’t have the backbone to back you up
Grandma is The Ass!!! You carried that wonderful human Being, NOT HER! Hang in there MOM!!!
NTA, but I hope we have learned not to make babies when we can’t afford to live on our own.
Does that mean you don’t buy your baby’s formula? You are not the one who prepares it?
How come you and your husband did not know MIL had switched formula until the baby got sick?
ESH
u/Bot-sleuth-Bot
NTA, you need to get out of there with your daughter. Your boyfriend should have stood up for you, and I doubt he will in the future.
This is a nearly word for word repost.
‘I can see you are trying to be helpful with my daughter. However, I need to experience the decision making for myself. Thank you for your help and concern’. Never let a situation stew until you blow up. Set a boundary and let people know immediately where it is. She can only ‘steamroll’ if you have set a boundary and she runs over your wishes anyway. Perhaps she like most moms still view you(parents) as kids. It’s common for moms to do that. Also, you are living in her home. Do you have a separate apartment and pay rent?