I am a baby millennial who is trying to buy a home in this economy. I make a decent salary but apparently not enough to afford a home with the going prices nowadays. I’m not even wanting anything crazy big or extravagant. I’d be content with a 900 square feet condo. The average cost of a home in my town is $650k. I was aiming for $250k max. All housing is expensive where I live in the Midwest.
I told my parents I may be moving soon as I was searching for a home in low cost of living states such as Alabama or Tennessee and they are opposed to me moving. They said they’re getting up in age and need their children around in case of an emergency (yes I have siblings but I’m the only female child). I help my parents the most. One of my parents is also terminally ill and I’m a part-time caregiver.
I told them I needed somewhere to live. Moving home isn’t an option since I left years ago due to emotional abus3 that has since been resolved. I told myself I’d never move back with my parents though because of that.
My parents told me to just keep renting. I don’t want to keep renting forever. I’ve been renting for 7 years. They told me I should not move far from them because they need my help and I help them the most. I told him I didn’t really have any other options. My dad said I can move back home and I declined. I told him if he wants me to live near him then he should help chip in to make that possible for a down payment and he said no. He said that’s my responsibility to buy my own home since I’m an adult and I need to manage my money and not move until I can afford to. He said he saved when he bought his home so I need to also. So I told him I will move to a cheaper place then so my money will work in my favor to afford a home. I have saved up, I just cannot specifically afford a half a million dollar home. He said I’m being neglectful of them in their old age and how they’ve done so much for me already that I shouldn’t be selfish and move far away from them especially since I am their (uncompensated) caregiver.
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I am a baby millennial who is trying to buy a home in this economy. I make a decent salary but apparently not enough to afford a home with the going prices nowadays. I’m not even wanting anything crazy big or extravagant. I’d be content with a 900 square feet condo. The average cost of a home in my town is $650k. I was aiming for $250k max. All housing is expensive where I live in the Midwest.
I told my parents I may be moving soon as I was searching for a home in low cost of living states such as Alabama or Tennessee and they are opposed to me moving. They said they’re getting up in age and need their children around in case of an emergency (yes I have siblings but I’m the only female child). I help my parents the most. One of my parents is also terminally ill and I’m a part-time caregiver.
I told them I needed somewhere to live. Moving home isn’t an option since I left years ago due to emotional abus3 that has since been resolved. I told myself I’d never move back with my parents though because of that.
My parents told me to just keep renting. I don’t want to keep renting forever. I’ve been renting for 7 years. They told me I should not move far from them because they need my help and I help them the most. I told him I didn’t really have any other options. My dad said I can move back home and I declined. I told him if he wants me to live near him then he should help chip in to make that possible for a down payment and he said no. He said that’s my responsibility to buy my own home since I’m an adult and I need to manage my money and not move until I can afford to. So I told him I will move to a cheaper place then so my money will work in my favor to afford a home. I have saved up, I just cannot specifically afford a half a million dollar home. He said I’m being neglectful of them in their old age and how they’ve done so much for me already that I shouldn’t be selfish and move far away from them.
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> I told my dad I’m moving and he told me I’m being selfish and neglectful for leaving them when they need me the most
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Looks like the abuse is not resolved. Just changed it’s mask. NTA
NTA. His behavior is the reason you left. Your financial situation is the reason you can’t stay.
You need to do what is best for yourself. Sounds like it’s time for the other siblings to step up. Sounds like it might be time to hire a part-time caretaker if they can afford it.
NTA. They are the ones being selfish.
Oh honey NTA but I’m sorry to say the emotional abuse never stopped it just got more manipulative and subtle. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that.
NTA. You are not being selfish, you are taking responsibility for your own needs.
They want the most helpful child (you), to sacrifice your needs to theirs.
Their saying that you should save and buy like they did ignores the transformation in home prices. It’s just not possible for young people today to get started in the same way that their parents did.
With respect, because you don’t want to rent doesn’t entitle you to them paying for or towards it so you can buy a home.
Do what you need to do and move away and let them deal with the consequences of all this.
If they don’t want to chip in for a house, then they have 0 right to tell u what house to buy or WHERE to buy. Zero. Ur dad sounds like a boomer. Probably bought his house for 500$ and a handshake. So many areas are never going to be affordable for most people at the rate the housing market has inflated. But none of this matters and u don’t need to explain it to ur parents. The only people with an opinion on where u buy a house are the people that are financially helping u buy a house. That’s it
NTA. You’re a fully functioning adult, not a walking retirement plan. If they think you caring for yourself is your responsibility, they can apply that same logic to their own lives.
It’s always on the daughter to be the caretaker, but in their will, they will either divide it equally or give it all their sons. Equal division of the estate is fair if the each child equally helped the parents.
NTA. You can’t move because they need your help. But you can’t stay without their help. They won’t help you but demand you help them.
That is everything I need to know about the whole relationship right there. Enjoy your new home far away and being the Christmas and vacation kid, the other siblings can step up and your parents can pay for care
NTA
Your parents are being manipulative.
You have bigger problems than not being able to afford a home there – your parents suck. Move, enjoy the distance and freedom it brings rather than being an unpaid and unappreciated caregiver. NTA.
NTA. Tell your dad that it’s his responsibility to care for himself since he’s an adult and he needs to manage his money and not rely on free help from family members. Then move away from them and don’t let them manipulate you into providing free caregiving services for them anymore.
You mention emotional abuse in the past. I would guess that they are still emotionally manipulating you based on what you’ve said. You need to do what’s best for you, without regard for them. If they change their minds and agree to helping you buy a home there, do not take them up on it. There will be strings attached and you’ll be leaving yourself vulnerable to manipulation, exploitation, and emotional abuse until the day they die.
Tell them to sign the house over to you, rent it to them.
NTA. And the reason they gave is severely toxic and entitlement. Do not let them guilt trip you. As parents, we are responsible for our own lives and have zero rights to expect others to cater to us, let alone our kids. It is also our responsibility to move in to a elder care home if we cannot take care of our selves.
You are NOT being neglectful, you are NOT being selfish. Your dad is bold face lying to you.
Tell him it’s their responsibility to pay for their own elder care since they’re adults and they need to manage their money and not get get old until they can afford to. FFS, they want you to do all the sacrificing and they won’t budge on what you need to stay in town and care for them. Just move and let them figure out their own situation.
NTA. According to your dad you’re locked in to either moving back in with them, or renting an apartment down the street from them forever because it’s your “responsibility” to take care of them as they age.
What about your brothers? Do they own their own homes yet? Are they staying nearby in case your parents have an emergency? I get that they’re not expected to help because you’ve already taken on the role of caretaker for your parents.
If your parents actually agreed to help you buy a house nearby would you still be willing to be their primary caretaker for the next 20+ years? I’d say buy a house where you can afford it instead of committing yourself to a future someone else has planned out for you.
I dont know how to tell you but , the emotional abuse doesn’t seem resolved. I mean maybe you just need to hear it so I’ll say it. ” Go live your life. There is a house out there with your name on it “
NTA. You’re probably better off having some distance from them anyway. Your siblings can step up.
If you’re not their responsibility then they are not yours. Let your siblings take care of them.
nah you’re NTA your dad can’t have it both ways. He can’t expect you to stay close, help out, AND block you from getting ahead in life. Housing is insane rn, you’re being practical. If he won’t help, then he doesn’t get to guilt trip you for doing what’s best for you…
INFO Do they actually have the financial ability to help you with the downpayment for a home?
NTA. Tell your grown-ass parents to grow the hell up and take care of themselves. It’s not your job. They should be happy and supportive of you doing what’s best for yourself because you’re….their kid.
> emotional abus3 that has since been resolved
Are you sure about that?
You don’t owe your parents anything. Move away and start a new life away from their toxicity.
NTA he’ll need to save up for a caregiver. They can’t keep scrounging time off you then tell you to look after yourself.
Go live your life and be happy! Older person here and did not buy a house young because I couldn’t afford it. Have only recently bought would’ve loved to have done it younger.
Unfortunately, your parents want it all their way, they expect you to help for nothing, which I get you’re family and you’re not expecting to be paid, but you can’t afford to buy there and they can’t or won’t help. You have to make the decision that works best for you and if that means moving to get the house that you want to set up your future, you need to do that because they are not going help you. Even though you’re helping them.
So you go and and fulfil your dream to own a home and enjoy your life and visit when you can and help when you can but not at detriment to yourself.
You will cope a lot of flack from all your family members when you tell them and make this decision, but just go and do it anyway. Let your other siblings step up for a change (they won’t like either because you’ve been doing all the heavy lifting and they’ll have to step up, so they’ll complain too), it’s not always on the female child or the most willing other people have to put into and it’s about time they did.
Be strong, be happy. Go and live the life you want. You’ve got this.
So sorry that you’re having to deal with this.
Good luck with your move. I hope it’s soon. NTA.
It’s okay to write “emotional abuse”.
NTA.
“I left years ago due to emotional abus3 that has since been resolved.”
Is the resolution in the room with us?
Nta they’re selfish
NTA.
So what if you’re the only female child! Don’t fall into the trap of being the woman who takes care of the family only to have her work undervalued or completely ignored. Live your life and if that means you need to move, then move. If they want you to stay, they can contribute to making that happen. Otherwise, they’re being clear that they don’t value your sacrifice or contribution. Don’t accept that. You deserve better.
As a fellow midwesterner, are there not areas in the Midwest you could move to that are more affordable?
I’m not in a big city, but I’m in a capital city. And while prices are outrageous in the city, they drop off substantially about 45 minutes out. And I take a longer commute over moving back to the south any day.
My God, NTA, obviously. Everyone else has already said why but I just wanted to say that I can’t comprehend parents saying these kinds of things to their children. Mine never would. I’m not trying to gloat, just to point out that it’s so wrong.
NTA Would highly suggest the move anyway, as Dad at least sounds emotionally manipulative. That and your parents would always have that money they lent as a weapon. There’s no rule the care taker has to be family.
Your parents are taking advantage of you and manipulating you.
Nta
Move. UpdateMe
NTA. It’s their job to figure out their retirement and health care plan. You make the life choices you need to make that are the best for you.
NTA. Your proposal is super reasonable! I don’t think your parents have change that much from their abusive days given their reaction – they sound very self centered and inconsiderate of you.
Honestly, its probably better for you just to move away either way.
There’s potentially two problems here. They appear to be demanding you be their retirement caregiver plan, in which case, alot of people can’t work and care for their parents at the same time. You’d potentially lose your income. The second is housing. That is such a huge sacrifice to demand of you rather than shared among all their kids. Quite frankly since he’s saying
> that’s my responsibility to buy my own home since I’m an adult and I need to manage my money and not move until I can afford to.
Then I’d say his retirement is his responsibility, since he’s an adult, and that he needs to manage his money and move into a retirement home when he can afford to.
NTA.
nta, but just as an aside, is moving away strictly only due to home ownership? if it is i really recommend to cross all your t’s and dot all your i’s before making the decision to move out of state, not for your parents, but for yourself.
‘One of may parents is terminally ill and I am a part time care-giver.’
How long have they got?
Do you have to leave right this second?
Leaving a dying person in the lurch does sound like an AH move.
You could save money by living with your parents- are they the ones who were abusive?
As it is, it sounds like you may be trying to force your parents to help you, when they are in a vulnerable spot. And they are not really willing to help you out, even though you are going above and beyond to help.
In the face of no other info, ESH.
(For context I have been a carer for a terminally ill relative… siblings waltzed in every few months to say how upsetting the changes were and offering zero practical help.)
Move. Move to where you can afford to buy a house. And don’t return to be a caregiver. Your parents need to spend down their assets for an assisted living when they need it.
I don’t know what kind of abuse you experienced and if it was from them, but if it was from them, then you are still not free of it if you feel this your responsibility to provide them care despite there being other siblings.
Move. You cannot live and build your life being tethered to them. It is incredibly unfair to you. Among all the siblings you can contribute money to help hire help and the rest should be your parents savings and assets.
NTA. Move as far away as possible.
N̈TA your providing free elder care. They can either deed over their home to you so 1 you own it.
2 give your surving parent lifetime right
3 they can pay you rent for living their so you can afford to stay there
4 but if you like where you live have you looked at modular homes?
That’s funny- it’s your responsibility to pay for your own house, but it’s not his responsibility to take care of himself? NTA
NTA, but you need to move. I’ve seen this happen to adult daughters that become caregivers, its always because the parents wouldn’t “let” them move out, the other siblings didn’t ask, they just moved. This is a case where “better to beg forgiveness” is true.
As you have stated, you’re an adult. Why are you allowing your parents to influence your decision, knowing their influence is one you don’t want? NTA but you need to start thinking about your life. Unless you want the rest of your life to revolve around and cater to your parents.
Nta……
Your parents can go fuck right off. That’s abuse, it’s not resolved and they see you as the punching bag. MOVE! NTA
NTA. Tell them they are adults too and that they need to save up for a caregiver. You’re making the “adult”/financially responsible choice by moving to a low cost area
NTA. Move far away and never look back. What they’ve “done for you” is decide to have children – that is on them, not you. They are the ones who made the decision to be parents, and you owe them nothing for that. They are not entitled to your time or caretaking abilities. Since he did such a great job with money his whole life he should be able to afford a caretaker. Having children solely to care for you in old age is selfish and narcissistic. You are entitled to be happy and live your own life. He is telling you that you are an adult and you need to pay your own way, while conveniently forgetting that you being an adult also means he cannot tell you what to do. Being a responsible adult means making your own choices and daddy needs to learn that he cant have his cake and eat it too.
NTA!!!!! Your parents need to figure out their care, it can’t all fall to you. What if you do it for the next 20 years? Then what? It’s your life.
NTA. Tell you father that it’s his own responsability as an adult man to plan for his and his wife old age. And he has to manage his money and keep working until he has enough saved up to retire comfortably
OP, your parents are only thinking about their best interests not yours. For them, a reason will always crop up as to why you shouldn’t move. Also, housing prices are increasing year over year. By the time you’re ready, the dial would have moved up, and it will be even more attainable. Investing in property as opposed to paying someone else’s mortgage is a smart move. As a parent myself, this is exactly what I would tell my children. It’s mind boggling for your parents to try and hold you back. Buy. Invest in yourself. You are not your parents contingency plan.
“He said that’s my responsibility to buy my own home since I’m an adult and I need to manage my money and (not) move (until) where I can afford to”…. there, I fixed it for Dear Ol’ Dad. Honey, you go forth and build your future! Your parents had all their lives to figure out how to live in their Golden Years. Now it’s your turn.
Wow. Your dad really can’t have it both ways. If adults have to take care of themselves, then he should take care of himself and stop ‘being so selfish’ making you pay rent when you can afford to buy a home elsewhere. See how that goes? Either you stick around and he helps you in return for you helping him, or you go buy a home and take care of yourself, and your deadbeat brothers can step up. I also object to the thinly veiled misogyny of the ‘female’ daughter bearing the whole responsibility of caretaking, fuck that. Does your dad realize how much money you’re saving him by caretaking? Otherwise he’d have to hire in-home care, which is not cheap. Helping you with a down payment is a fair trade.
Lastly, it’s laughable that your dad is comparing when he bought a home, ask him how much his down payment was, and what percentage of his salary that was, and then laugh your head off in his face. Not comparable!
NTA.
When my dad was dying of cancer, none of the kids in my family lived within 400 miles of my parents. We were all worried about how my mom would handle life after he passed with none of her kids around. I told my dad a few of us were talking about finding local jobs and potentially moving back. One of the last pieces of advice he gave me was that we should continue to live our own lives and, if my mom wanted to be by us, it was up to her to move. And it took a year or so, but that’s exactly how it ended up working out.
If your parents want you to stay by them for their sake (notice that it’s all about them), then they need to make it happen. Alternatively, they need to let you live your own life wherever it takes you and they can follow if they miss you that much.
NTA and not their choice. If you have other siblings they need to step up. It’s not solely your responsibility. Do not allow them to manipulate you, if you find your dream house down south go for it!
You can tell him to use all the money he has saved to pay a caregiver since he’s not willing to help you or even pay you for being a caregiver. You’re not neglectful because they are not your responsibility. Yes it sounds harsh but it’s true. To throw how much they’ve done for you in your face like it wasn’t THEIR RESPONSIBILITY AS PARENTS is insane.
Lastly maybe he should’ve ASKED you instead of TELLING you not to move. That’s definitely an entitled thing to do.
NTA
They’re adults and need to manage their money to pay for any care needs they have.
That’s their logic, feed it back to them.
I agree that moving states is probably the easiest way to get an affordable home. However, I did that when I was in my 20’s and it was very hard moving away from everything I knew, just to be able to live alone in my own home. Eventually I moved to the same state as my brother, and It made such a big difference in my mental health.
Just something to think about. You’re not the AH, and taking care of your parents when they get older isn’t necessarily your job. Especially if they aren’t going to help you stay, and even more so because of their ignorance on the current housing market.
I also live in the Midwest, and am kind of curious which state has houses that cost that much, if you don’t mind sharing. If you do, no worries.
NTA. Sounds like it’s their responsibility to take care of themselves in their old age. Or call in the siblings.
NTA you have to take care of you. Let them know they should have saved enough for a paid caregiver. It’s not your responsibility to baby sit them in their old age, but it is your job to provide for your own future. I’ve told my kids you do you! I’ll figure out me. I love them and love that they care, but I really want them to find their own truth.
NTA. If he keeps pushing then make him pay you for being a caregiver to the tune of whatever your current rent is. It’s probably still cheaper than hiring a caregiver.
If he agrees (which seems highly unlikely), take him to the cleaners as long as you can and put that money into your savings for a house when he inevitably starts claiming you aren’t doing enough to warrant the cost.
He’s still an emotionally abusive asshole, and personally I’ve never had any qualms about getting whatever I can from people like that before I dip.
NTA. Time for your siblings to step up. Why are they not helping? Let me guess, because they are men.
Dude, just move. Even if you had the money for a place near them I would say just move. Go somewhere that suits you better and stop worrying about these people
NTA.
My oldest child lives out of home as I had to move with the Younger children for medical reasons, and she didn’t want to leave our home town.
I miss her like crazy, but she’s an adult, happy studying and living her life.
When she buys a house, it will be wherever she wants to buy, it’s not my decision.
And I didn’t have kids for unpaid nurses.
I don’t expect them to look after me at all (although I know they all want to have space for me at their houses when they are older, and I’m keen to be involved with any grandchildren, if I’m wanted).
NTA. If your parents want to live close to you for your help, they can move where you move. Seems like the emotional abuse has not come to an end.
NTA, you have other siblings, and the fact that they’re not female is irrelevant. I’d tell them they need to step up as you can visit but being part time caregiver has set you back on getting a home. It’s also time you have your own life, or you’ll care for both parents till they pass and neither your parents or siblings will care about your time or lost income. Just be careful to move somewhere better.
Your life means your decisions. If you are legally an adult then your parents “rules” are mere suggestions at best. Sure, listen to what they have to say, consider their opinions even, but ultimately if you decide to move, you move.
Your whole post comes across as “they said no, so now I can’t move”. Your initial AITA question was not “AITA for moving” but “AITA for saying something petty to my dad for not letting me move”. This is not having a go at you but an attempt to hopefully get you to see that you are still possibly existing in a power dynamic where you are the little girl and they are the parents and you will do as you are told.
Your parents are certainly still thinking that way. They are not asking if you might help them, they are not asking you how you feel about it, they are TELLING you what you will be doing the rest of their lives.
You are an adult, with a future in front of you that only you can decide on.
It is not upto your parents to “let” you move.
It is not upto them to allow you to move.
It is upto you alone. You do not need their permission.
NTA for saying what you said to your dad, but you will be TA to yourself if you don’t make your own decision and seize your own future.
You’d be tumbling down the sidewalk and locks would be changed before you stood up.
NTA, how is this a close call? It sounds like that emotional abuse hasn’t stopped. The gall to guilt you for both being “neglectful” of your fully grown adult parents yet unworthy of help buying a house near them because they insist you live that close because you’re and “adult” is quite something.
I hate when parents assume their kids will take care of them, especially unpaid. They’re not being reasonable. Go move to a cheaper state and live your life. You siblings can step up. NTA.
Is the only reason you’re expected to stay and help because you’re the only girl? Whaaat? So men are not capable of helping their parents?I think your brothers need to step up.
Hi so you are still being emotionally abused. Move away from your abusers.
NTA, but remember regret can last forever. Will you regret not being there for your dying parent? People have this idea that home ownership is the cure to most things wrong in the world. It can be great but there are lots of trade-offs people never think about. If you have weighed those and still want a house and will not feel deep regret for not being there for them. Then pack up today.
Run to another town to buy a house. Your parents are nuts. Don’t ruin your life
You have no obligation to stick around on their behalf. They had an obligation to raise you, and part of that is leaving the nest, just like the rest of nature. All they see is their free help walking out the door. But you also have a responsibility to make darn sure you’re ready to fly. I knew what I was getting into buying my first home but there was still a lot of shocks along the way. NTA
NTA your parents are being selfish. The natural order is that kids grow up, leave home, and make their own lives. If you need to move to be in a better place financially, then your parents should support you. You need to prioritize YOUR life. Other siblings can help, your parents can get a helper to come in, etc. But they are responsible for figuring that out.
NTA.
OH you’re an adult so it’s YOUR responsibility? Wow. They’re adults. Their late in life care is THEIR RESPONSIBILITY.
Get as far away as you can, and don’t look back.
I would be cautious about moving to these places just because it’s cheaper to buy a house. They are cheaper for several reasons you might not like.
Move to an area you can afford. Your parents will figure things out.
Lol
“Its your responsibility to take care of yourself with no help from me”
Immediately followed by “its your responsibility to put your entire life on hold to take care of me”
Just go OP. The emotional abuse never stopped.
Why do you even help them?