TL;DR: married 3 years, husband wants to combine all finances but I prefer keeping separate accounts. He thinks it shows lack of trust and wants full transparency; I value financial independence and worry about losing control over my spending. Looking for advice on whether I’m being unreasonable or if some financial separation in marriage is normal.
been married for 3 years and my husband keeps bringing up combining our finances. we currently have separate accounts and split bills proportionally based on income. he makes about 30% more than me, so he covers more of the mortgage and utilities while i handle groceries and smaller expenses.
lately he’s been pushing harder for us to merge everything into joint accounts. his reasoning is that we’re a team now and should be completely transparent about money. he says keeping separate accounts feels like we’re still living like roommates instead of a married couple.
honestly, part of it is control. i like being able to buy something without having to justify or explain it to anyone. not talking about big purchases, just normal stuff like grabbing coffee with friends or buying a book without someone potentially judging my spending choices.
i also worry about the practical stuff. what if one of us loses our job? what if we get divorced? i know that sounds pessimistic but i’ve seen friends get completely screwed financially when relationships ended and they had everything combined.
there’s also the income thing. he makes more money right now, but i’m in a field where my earnings could potentially surpass his in a few years. i don’t want either of us to feel weird about the other person’s spending if the income balance shifts.
his perspective:
he thinks i’m being paranoid and that keeping money separate shows i don’t fully trust him or our marriage. he points out that we’re already legally tied together financially anyway, so separate accounts are just creating unnecessary complications.
he’s also frustrated that he can’t see the full picture of our household finances. like he doesn’t know how much i have in savings or exactly how much i’m putting away for retirement. he wants us to be able to make bigger financial decisions together.
he’s not wrong that it creates some awkwardness. when we’re planning vacations or talking about home improvements, we have to do this weird dance of figuring out who can afford what and how to split costs fairly.
i can see his point about being a team and making joint decisions. marriage is supposed to be a partnership, and maybe i am being too guarded about something that should be shared.
but i also feel like there should be room for some financial independence even in marriage. i don’t want to have to run every purchase by someone else or feel like i need permission to spend money i earned.
we’ve talked about compromises like having one joint account for shared expenses and keeping separate accounts for personal spending, but he thinks that’s just a half-measure that doesn’t really solve the trust and transparency issues.
is wanting to keep some financial independence really that weird in a marriage? or am i letting fear and control issues get in the way of deeper intimacy and partnership with my spouse?
looking for perspective from people who’ve navigated this. how do you handle money in your relationships? did combining finances bring you closer together or create new problems?