Some context… I am kinda hoping some people will be able to defend him because he is very kind and well meaning… but here goes.
He got back at 9pm from a 3 day work trip (which he’s done 3 times in the last 2 months) and greeted me nicely. I offered to make him dinner and help him unpack. He showered and then came into the living room and said “don’t take this the wrong way, but can you put your hair up properly, you look kinda fried” and then be paused and said “well I guess you are probably”.
I felt embarrassed and did my hair and then I went straight to bed without another word.
Backstory: I’ve had our 2yo on my own during hubbys trip (3 nights) and my son is not a good sleeper so I get about 4/5hrs of broken sleep each night. Also he’s in a very whiney stage, so it’s quite challenging to be on your own with him. I’d like to add, and I feel some guilt for saying this, but I had post-natal depression and there was a point in time that being alone with my son too much, made me feel suicidal 🙁 I’m proud to say it’s been about 9 months of feeling much better and I am very proud of myself for being on my own with my son for 3 days and nights straight, whilst my husband had done these trips.
He came home earlier than I was expecting and I’d literally just finished the evening “shift” – cooking, feeding, cleaning, bathtime and then a very difficult bedtime routine which took 1.5hrs of tantrums etc. I hadn’t had a moment to look in the mirror.
I feel hurt but do you think I’m over reacting and it’s not a big deal for him to say that? I hope so.
Comments
NTA at all. Husband is kind of TAH for suggesting you change your appearance to suit his needs after you busted your ass raising a 2yo on your own for a few days.
A better response would be “wow I can tell you’ve been working hard while I was away, how about you go take some time for yourself while I clean up”, etc.
You are adult enough to be married, you should be adult enough to have a grown-up conversation about this and some to a better, deeper understanding of each other. NAH – mostly, but y’all really need to work on communication
NTA it alright to be hurt by a comment like that, but it also doesn’t mean he was trying to hurt you by saying it. You’re doing great. Be proud of yourself.
Sometimes it’s healthier to have alone time when feeling upset than to end up lashing out, so you did the right thing
NTA at all. If anything it’s a totally unacceptable dick move from the husband. I’d highly suspect he has been playing outside and guilt-tripping you into feeling bad about yourself to justify his behaviour. He is probably mentally comparing you to another person. No truly loving partner would come back home from a trip and make you feel bad about yourself when they know full well what you’ve been dealing with alone.
I’m so sorry that you’re raising two toddlers all on your own.
Oh, and NTA.
This man had better look immaculate 90% of the time for him to be making that criticism.
Even if you didn’t have a kid to take care of, that would be a really rude thing for him to say. Is there a deeper issue here? Has he ever expressed any negativity about your appearance before?
NTA. Your husband sucks
Your husband is a jerk for saying such a thing to you whatever the situation. NTAH
NTA but your husband is. what does he expect when you have a needy toddler, for you to be Instagram ready at all times? I’ve turned up to visit close friends with little ones and mom in particular can look “a fright”. She’s been far too busy with the little one(s) to bother with hair, makeup and changing out of her sweats and tee shirt.
My friend gave birth a couple of months ago and the first thing her partner does when he gets home is take over baby duties so she can go have a shower and half an hour on her own doing something not baby related. She said to me privately that it was a life saver. Just that time to decompress and unwind was enough to recharge her batteries. She’s a first time mum and adores her daughter, but she looks forward to that short time alone.
Your husband is a huge asshole. You should book a hotel room for a long weekend, and let him solo parent for a few days without you. NTA.
NTA, tell your husband that next time you “look fried” he can just takeover the childcare and house tasks and suggest you to take a bubble bath.
NTA. Are these work trips a new thing? Because a baby in the house and him being very unnecessarily critical about your appearance makes me think he’s, perhaps, straying. Just be mindful please.
NTA but you’re married to one. That’s really gross and dismissive way he spoke to you. He owes you a genuine apology. What a freaking AH.
This is gonna get downvoted, but I don’t think anyone’s the asshole here. You certainly aren’t. He might be. He certainly could’ve worded things better, but I don’t think he meant any malice.
Sorry, there’s no defense for a man who tells his wife to go “fix” her hair after she’s been on her own for several days and had fuck all sleep during g that time. He would have had uninterrupted sleep in lovely accommodation,meals he didn’t have to prepare, laundry he did t have to do. And then he comes home and criticizes you for not looking like a fucking pin up model for him to admire. NTA. He certainly is though.
NTA girl! Leave him and your kids and go to the spa spend the whole weekend. Let’s see how hot he looks.
Oh hun as a single mom I get how hard it is to be alone, my own daughter just turned two. I can tell you I look like a hot mess 90% of the time because I could care less,l. He shouldn’t have said that, your caring for your guys children. Alot of people look down on mothers who stat with kids full time and downplay it. Its a 24/7 job that does not stop and I get that 100%! NTA 100% 🥺
So sorry… Whether he meant to or not, your husband hurt your feelings unnecessarily. He also set up an unspoken expectation of how you are supposed to look when he arrives home.
Hoping you can talk with him about this from your perspective and that he will be the man he should be: understanding, considerate, and apologetic.
NTA. Tell him to fix his comb over, he’s looking kinda bald.
NTA. My husband is a great guy too. Has he ever said something thoughtless out of nowhere? Yes. Especially after his work shift has been tough.
I’m not defending your husband, but it sounds like he spoke without thinking and then tried to pull it back (you are probably fried) because he realized you’d been home alone with the toddler for 3 days. I’d tell him how his comment felt, and if he apologizes, I’d forgive and move on.
NTA he’s not the one that was with 2 young children on their own for an extended period of time. As a former nanny that was left with multiple small children at once, I understand the difficulty.
Double checking your hair also when you’re at home isn’t the first priority on your mind at these times.
It was a dick move to say, but not surprising. Part of this is because society has conditioned men to have this expectation like “what like it’s hard” without ever actually doing the work on their own, they need to be hand held. It’s not okay but he needs a reality check.
Leave him alone with the kids, put your phone on silent and let him see how he does.
I would’ve been like “omg right I’m totally here to cater to you after spending all day caring for YOUR children” sarcasm of course but dude is an idiot
I’m sorry but I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting your partner to look presentable, regardless of what’s going on in thier lives. It’s a sign of mutual respect that you would want to to look good for your partner.
I’ve seen so many stories about people letting themselves go to hell once they get married as if all bets are off now that they are hooked. Wanting to look good for your spouse should be important. It doesn’t sound like husband is asking for the 1950s, but maybe for some effort to be put in. Physicality is a huge part of attraction.
NTA and neither is your husband! Sometimes people say things without thinking them through. When someone doesn’t take care of themselves (even if it’s for a valid reason) it can make them feel worse than they already do. This could have been a sweet attempt to help you that just didn’t come out right
YTA. He says one dumb thing, immediately backtracks, and you have to give him the silent treatment over the night? You ever consider that his work trips aren’t all sunshine and rainbows?
I think the proper response to his request is “are you f-ing joking right now?” He almost redeemed himself with his follow up statement, but…..WTF.
He could clearly see that you were exhausted, I hope he apologized profusely.
Dear OP’s husband – think before you speak. Next time offer to draw your wife a bath, give her a massage, or – if messy hair really bothers you – grab the hairbrush and do her hair! Turn it into a relaxing, bonding experience instead of planting both feet so firmly in your mouth!!
Let him take care of the child for 3 days, and let’s see how frazzled he is (looks).
He seems to take a lot for granted. You grew a whole human being! Your body needs time to get back to a new normal.
BTW, please don’t feel bad about having post partum depression. It is something a lot of women go through. I’m glad you are feeling better bc it’s no joke!
Best wishes!
NTA, your husband is a huge asshole for telling you to change your appearance alone, but the way he did it? Does he always treat you like this?
He could’ve literally said anything, but that. But prefacing the statement by saying don’t take this the wrong way means he knew exactly what he was saying to you. He knew exactly how hurtful and harmful it was.
If your husband is as good as you claim he is, he would have said something to the effect of “it looks like you’ve been working hard. Why don’t you take some time for yourself and take a shower or a bath and do some self-care. I’ll take over xyz and we can try to fit in a cuddle before we go to bed.”
God I HOPE no one is here definitely your shitty husband. He even realized when he said it why you would be tired. You have been taking care of your CHILD without a break for 3 days straight. He is the asshole here. My husband would never say such a mean thing to me. He would call my messy hair cute. And he wouldn’t have left me with zero support for days like that either. Why are you defending him so much? You have been through a lot and him complaining that you look “kinda fried” like it’s a turn off for him, is disgusting.
Has he always been this way or has it shown up/gotten worse since the baby? I feel like you should take pains with your appearance, diet, exercise, for you and not to please your husband. Self care is important, but isn’t easy or possible when you’re dealing with a fussy toddler!
We all get older and the physical beauty changes and not for the better. What will the two of you do if he’s the one who ends up looking “fried?” Definitely NTA.
I agree with every comment I have read. Your husband was the AH. However ….. and I bet I get flack for this….. don’t fall into the frumpy mom trap. It’s easy to do.
Sincerely,
A former frumpy mom
NTA but your husband is.
Well, that’s one way for him to express his appreciation—NOT! Bless you, OP for your hard work handling EVERYTHING on your own. ♥️
Never ever feel guilty about having PND. Its bloody awful.
You are solo parenting for 3 days and nights and his comment is you look frazzled- he needs a slap with a wet kipper. Seriously! He is an arsehole. I wonder how he would cope with3 nights and days on hus own? He couldn’t do it.
His comments hold have been, i will finish tidying up, you go shower and go to bed and ive got the baby tonight so you can rest.
Go out for the day and see how he manages to do everything.
You need some me time and you deserve it
So he’s aware that you’re feeling fried, but he just doesn’t want to see the evidence. Gotcha.
You are NTA, but your husband certainly is
This is giving ne he has met someone really hot a groomed and is unfairly comparing her to you. He is TAH for not offering to help when he got home. I mean would he rather yiu neglected your toddler while you make sure you look like a model 24/7.
NTA –
Are you okay, do you want to shower? What would you like me to get started on so you can rest.
Are all ways he could’ve phrased, “you look fried.”
Honey, you are NTA. And probably not him either. His bumbly-ass comment was probably his tired self trying to say a nice thing, but doing a bad, awkward job of it. Let me help…he saw you looking a little rough, and he relized how hard it was on you to have hom gone and felt guilt for the stress he caused you, also being tired from a 3 day work trip ment to say was…”Honey, I would imagine you would like to take a little ‘me’ time, I’ve got the kiddo if he wakes ig you’d like to take some time for yourself.”
Or he’s an asshole. But if i was in your place and my husband was in your husband’s place…I would absolutely know he meant “Take some time, I can see you need it, I’m sorry.”
OP, you say that your husband is kind and well meaning, so I will take your word for it and assume his desire for you to take care of yourself is, not about superficial appearances, but about health and self-care. OP, I am at a different life-stage than you and, after I had kids, I cared less about my appearances because child-rearing seemed more pressing. But when my kids got older and needed less help, that lack of self-attention took a toll on me and, while I love myself as a person, I am not as healthy as I can be and not being able to do what I want or wear what I want creates dissatisfaction and impacts my relationships. So I hope your husband encourages you to take care of yourself for the same reason I do the same to my husband, which is, I don’t want him to have a heart attack or stroke, and I want to grow old with him and for us to travel and be active in our retirement years. The point of my story is that your husband’s comments likely come from a place of caring for your well-being.
So, OP, I encourage you to talk to your husband about your schedules and budget. If it is important enough for him to say something, then he needs to support you. So the both of you need to agree to a schedule where there are specific times he takes care of your kid, house chores, and make meals, several times a week so you have the time to workout at the gym and to find time to do your nails and time for regular haircuts. Do this for YOUR sake, not for his sake. I am saying what I am saying because I was where you are 15-20 years ago. I think society sends messages that mothers who take care of themselves are selfish and vain. Have you perhaps internalized this message? Now that I am middle aged, I have 2 pieces of wisdom from my experience: 1) Making time for your health and self-care is showing love to yourself, so role model that to your kids; 2) it is a lot harder get back your health and identity than to do the work to maintain it. Health is like saving for retirement: you can pay now or pay later, but if you choose later, you will have to pay a lot more.
Edited for spelling mistake.
NTA. He put his foot in his mouth. I can see if you two were about to go out and he noticed but right before bed after your long baby shift? Sheesh.
NTA. Next time he looks ruffled be petty please make sure to let him know in the snarkiest way possible.
He’s really TA for saying this to you. Is he always this blunt?
He should have asked if you want a shower and he could wash your hair for you. Men can be clueless sometimes.
Are you like 10000% sure these are work trips yeah?
NTA. That was rude and insensitive of him. You’re doing a lot, and doing it alone a lot of the time. He should have offered to relieve you and let you rest for a bit instead of making you feel bad about yourself.
Nope, NTA.
I’m so proud of you for handling your PPD and for doing your best to be a good mother. 3 days one on one with a 2 year old can be rough, and the fact that he said anything other than “I missed you, and am so happy to see you.” makes him an asshole.
YTA
For saying you want someone to defend.
You absolutely do not.
You want validation.
Your husband was a complete fool for being honest with you.
He should know better.
Nta. My suggestion is that you take a trip away for a similar amount of time and see how well dressed he is by the end of it. Maybe plan it for the teething period, because that will be brutal
Time for you to take a long weekend trip solo. And any time he texts your for help, reply with “your his father, figure it out” and when you get home, tell him “you look fried, you should take better care of yourself”
And start making your exit plan. He sucks so bad he’s creating a black hole. If you’re going be a single parent, you might as well make it official
OP I am sorry to be negative but this is not a good sign. He’s at bEST an insensitive lout. But it is not out of the question that he is unkind and selfish and exploitative. Be prepared. See if you can get back to the work force as soon as possible to reestablish your financial independence. (Obvs NTA but your husband sure is.)