So, I (28F) have been dating my boyfriend Jake (30M) for about two years. He’s great loyal, funny, and he treats me really well. However, my family has never liked him. Long story short, he had a messy breakup before me, and unfortunately, some of that drama spilled over into a family event early in our relationship. He got into a minor argument with my brother-in-law, and ever since, my sister (30F) has been cold toward him.
Fast forward to now my sister was getting married last month and sent out the invites. I was a bridesmaid, so I obviously assumed I’d get a plus-one. But nope. When I brought it up, she told me explicitly that Jake wasn’t welcome, and that it wasn’t negotiable. She said she “didn’t want any drama” on her big day.
I asked her to reconsider, especially since Jake has stayed out of the way and has been respectful for over a year now. She wouldn’t budge. I told her I wasn’t comfortable going without him not out of spite, but because I didn’t want to validate the idea that my relationship is a problem. I felt like if I just showed up alone, I’d be silently agreeing that Jake doesn’t belong in my life.
She said I was making it about me and that I was abandoning her on the most important day of her life. My parents took her side and said it was just one day and I should’ve “put family first.”
So… I didn’t go. I sent a gift and a long message wishing her well, but she hasn’t responded since. My mom called me selfish, and even my dad who’s usually neutral said I should’ve just swallowed my pride.
Jake didn’t ask me not to go, but he admitted later that it meant a lot to him that I stood by him.
So now I’m torn. I do feel like I hurt my sister, but I also feel like I had to draw a boundary. AITAH?
Comments
Its a conflicting one but you should respect your sisters decision. It is her wedding after all. Apart from that both sides of the coin can be argued, but i would lean towards the sisters side as it is her big day.
However i can see that you care very much about your boyfriend, and him saying that he appreciated your decision is very sweet
You’re the AH. Your boyfriend has a history of drama in the family.The drama happened at a family event in the past, if I was your sister I wouldn’t have invited him either. What boundary did you set? That you’ll pick a boyfriend who’s had lots of drama over your family? Good choice 🙄
NTA.
Just because its your sisters big day doesn’t mean everyone has to bend to her will for it. She was out of line asking you to essentially choose between her and your bf. Things happen and sometimes things beyond our control spill over, like you mentioned before, but that shouldn’t define a person if they’re trying to correct things and have been for over a year. If she really wanted you there, then she would’ve invited him FOR YOU, not for what she felt about him.
I’m sure that your sister has a story about the horrible things that happened in the past and why that makes Jake unacceptable at the wedding. (The past argument obviously wasn’t minor if its remembered for this long.)
Until that story is told by someone who isn’t defending Jake:
YTA – Her wedding, her guest list, her decision about what past actions are unforgivable.
(Her wedding isn’t really the right time and place for this hatchet to be buried. Something weeks before or weeks after the wedding might be a better place for Jake and sis to make peace.)
I think we need more context about the previous break up. How did that spill over into your family event? And what was this “minor” argument?
INFO: We need info on what exactly the drama was and how it has made your sister dislike him since then. You leaving it out makes me believe your bf is a problem and you just sweep it under the rug
INFO
> he had a messy breakup before me, and unfortunately, some of that drama spilled over into a family event early
What does this mean?
> Jake has stayed out of the way and has been respectful for over a year now.
What does this mean?
Without knowing what the drama was and why it caused an argument with your BIL, there’s no way to gauge accurately.
Yta. He’s a boyfriend, barely into the long term category. It’s a family event and he had past issues with your family. They were right for not wanting him there.
I don’t get how anyone can say you’re an asshole for not going somewhere thya would make you uncomfortable.
NTA. Absolutely not!
It’s interesting that you deliberately gave no details about the drama that spilled over into a family event & no details about the “minor” argument. It doesn’t seem as though it was minor to anyone other than you.
If your entire family doesn’t like him, there’s probably a good reason. Your sister is entitled to not have drama at her wedding. You’re hiding much more than you’re telling here.
YTA. He burned all the bridges with your family and now you chose him. Enjoy the consequences
What you’re saying is that after causing problems at one of their earlier events, and having a bad breakup with you, you’re expecting your sister and her husband to just forget all of that because he stayed silent and in the background for a year. What he should have done is come forward, apologised, tried to repair bonds, and be a part of your family, then this situation would never have happened.
You were supposed to be a bridesmaid for your sister, which means you wouldn’t even be with him for the ceremony, you’d be standing up there with her. You couldn’t even just do that part???? Who knows where you would have been seated at the reception!
YTA.
I’m sure Jake does appreciate it that you stood by him. It’s lonely being left out of things, even if it’s his own fault.
Need more info about what happened with the drama that spilled over into a family event and what the argument was with bil
Sounds like you just glossed over the information we need to make that determination. How did his breakup cause an argument with anyone in your family?
Nta. An invite is just that, its not a summons.
Sounds like you’re leaving out some information. But anyway your sister does not like your boyfriend and you basically made her wedding about you . You’re going to a wedding to celebrate an union between your sister and bil are you that dependent on your boyfriend where you can’t celebrate your sister without him ? YTA
Is “long story short” the new “blowing up my phone?” I’m seeing it constantly in these fake posts.
Sigh
Gonna say YTA because you left out any detail of what the drama is
NTA. It’s completely disrespectful to not give a member of the bridal party a plus one for their long term SO. It’s even more disrespectful to not give your sister’s long term SO an invite. Your sis was the AH here . You did the right thing by standing by your SO.
You followed your gut. Good for you. More people should do that more often.
Not enough information to give a solid opinion… Who was the ex? What was the nature of the ‘drama’? How did it involve your BIL? I am leaning towards YTA… We need your sisters viewpoint!
YTA. The wedding was not the time to enforce your healthy relationship. You’ve had a year to throw a dinner party, invite the family over and hash out the incident. You’ve seen the change but the family hasn’t. Now, it seems like you’re making self-centered choices by making him the most important relationship you have.
You should have gone to the wedding and asked your sister over for dinner AFTER to talk about moving forward.
Now, you owe her and her husband an apology — in person.
The bridesmaid gets a +1 is a very solid rule. Who that +1 is at the bride’s discretion, at least to some degree, right? I dunno.
There’s the family you are born into and the family you create as you grow.
I support your decision.
Of course, should you and Jake marry, invite her. Ask if you should invite her husband as well.
If this is real, YTA for staying with someone that brought his past drama into a family that has nothing to do with it. Had you been respectful to yourself and your family, he would have been gone for this to be a non issue.
Not enough info. Your family really doesn’t like him and you didn’t explain why. Especially since he caused a scene at your family function. How gauche!
Plus you didn’t explain why you chose a man you’re not even engaged to over your family. Lots of details missing…
NTA she wouldn’t have to interact at all with him and shouldn’t have excluded him.
Your boyfriend is your family so good job putting him first just like your daddy told you too.
Your sister chose to go this route so anybody can complain of you standing by your bf but she made it an issue to begin with.
Ask your parents if they wouldve gone without each other
YTA. I’m sorry, but this is your sister‘s wedding and you were a bridesmaid? supposed to be one? If you know your family doesn’t care for him, why would you bring him somewhere that they are? Or not go because you can’t bring him?
YTA and you mind as well just not show up to anything important where you’d have to rsvp and do t expect your sister to show up for anything involving yall.
YTA since we don’t know the past trauma in his previous relationship AND the issue first started with sis’s fiance (now husband), how do we know that he also didn’t want OP’s bf to be there too? Sis’s now hubby may have left that final decision up to the bride whether OP’s bf should be invited or not. We’ll probably never know BUT sis has every right to exclude the bf because she wanted THEIR day to be as beautiful & perfect as it could be without worrying about anything else like possible drama from the BF. Hey, I didn’t go to my brother’s 2nd wedding bc I hated his now ex-wife, worked with her AND she chose their wedding date to be a week after mine! And she’s a supposed Christian who loves to throw her Bible at everyone but never follows it. Sorry OP but you’re wrong to be mad at sis on HER special day.
Ai story
You can decline to attend a wedding for any reason. NTA. Also, are your family members just crazy or are you minimizing this “minor argument” that your boyfriend got into at a family event?
You are the one choosing to stay in this relationship and have done so for a couple yrs now. It also sounds like little to nothing has been done to try to rectify the animosity between your family and him. You were asked to stand beside your sister on one of the most important days of her life and you chose to not follow through with your word simply because she didn’t want him there. Which number 1 is her right as the bride but number 2 he created/brought drama to a family function already so she arguably was not comfortable with him being there. Number 3 you know darn well she doesn’t like him so why would you assume you could bring him?! YTA big time imo and what you did will most likely impact your relationship with her for a long time if not forever.
It’s hard to say. We didn’t give my BIL a plus 1 for his gf and we’d known her for 3 years. He was my hubby’s best man and he came. They broke up a few months later.
honestly beside what all these ppl are talking about i’d say u did the right thing in a sense because at the end of the day if they’re not gonna be supportive n prob wouldn’t even show up to ur wedding why should u show up to hers n tbh idk why they argued but if ur still with him then obviously you see good in him and ur family is being ignorant, tbr my gf family didn’t like me at first n i forced them to like me not really but i just kept showing up around them and forcing myself to be around them and interact and now i live with my gf n her parents not that i have to we just like it here but also if your family is making a huge issue that is sort’ve different cause they never were rude to me i could just tell they didn’t like me at first n my gf even said they didn’t but i grew on them because honestly when I first got with my gf i was a mess n smelt like a** and was going thru it but after all that i’m tryna say is maybe ur bf could try harder to make amends with them but you also only could try so much n ur family has to be willing to stop being ignorant so maybe you need to have a talk with them and if it doesn’t work out then honestly ur a good gf for standing by him and honestly i’m sure it makes him feel good
NTA
Downvote this AI generated junk
I mean, it is always your preference, so I personally don’t think you’re an ass for choosing to sit out because your significant other was specifically uninvited.
If the man I would like to go as my date to my friends wedding in a few months was specifically not-invited in the same way as your significant other, I probably wouldn’t attend either. I want PhilV to be a part of my life and my future, so if he is uninvited, specifically, then it would make it seem like they don’t want myself to enjoy and share their big day with someone special to myself.
A wedding is, of course, about the bride and groom having a lovely and exciting and happy time, and depending on the bride, and everyone invited, that can be drama free or not, but in my opinion, if it was my best friend, unless I thought the man was abusing my friend (which PhilV is not abusing myself), then I would expect that she would expect myself to bring him, PhilV, as my date.
Obviously, there are always extra caveats and different circumstances, and if the friend knew something I didn’t (which would be the only way I’d guess something like this would come about), I’d expect full disclosure immediately, and I’d expect to be able to be in contact with him, PhilV, directly and in person immediately (like tomorrow), to find out exactly wtf because otherwise, anything else is just words in the wind of people who will barely have time to see/talk to myself during such an eventful celebration as their own wedding (talk about making their big day all about drama if that’s the case).
Otherwise, I would be reporting the weird occurrences, names of people I’m almost certain are nefariously involved in creating dramatic situations about it in the first place, and ensure a cyber crimes unit follows up on everything, consistently. Notwithstanding that I, myself, AEd, may very well drive myself to where I think PhilVar… is if he doesn’t pick myself up by 10:00am Eastern US time tomorrow (Aug 1, 2025) at my apartment door, so that this can all be rectified once and for all.
I explained all of that to express that there can always be situations which we don’t know about, and it’s hard to tell from a simple paragraph or two online, from one person when we don’t have the other side of the story or situation, not saying either is right or wrong, as we know, often the truth lies somewhere in the middle. But, without communication, and while only accepting other people’s word for things, it’s so difficult to have an opinion on a complicated situation like what you’re talking about.
Overall, yeah, I probably wouldn’t go to an event where I was specifically asked not to attend with PhilVar…, and he and I haven’t even seen each other nor have we spoken in real time, both, in over three years, and I sure the hell wouldn’t let another person try to tell myself, as a grown ass woman, not to bring him as my date to a celebration being held within a public event, which is obviously different than a private celebration in a private event which, is unfortunately, up to those hosting the event, at which point, I’d excuse myself from attending, maybe send a gift and spend every moment I can with PhilV celebrating he and I, if any person legitimately said they wanted myself there but not PhilV there.
And lastly, I’d likely get an attorney to file suits and reports to encourage filing charges against any entity/ entities who have chosen to hinder, interfere with, and/ or otherwise create problems with coordinating he and I arriving as each other’s dates to a public event, as a note.
I may be tired, but I refuse to let people illegally keep Phil and I apart from each other. So yeah, there’s always usually more to these situations, but I don’t think you’re the asshole based on your side of the story.
They also could have put aside their issues for one day to make everyone in the family feel important. But “NO” they hang onto issues from 2 years ago, and I am sure none of them are angels.
His issues were not the way he treated you, and no one can be held responsible for crazy people.
You were not important enough to them to swallow their pride, but it was okay that you did.
Is the BF alcoholic or gets drunk and obnoxious?
Yes. The bride and groom get to decide who is invited and who is not. Many weddings only invite fiancé’s and married partners.