I (F21) and my boyfriend (M26) about 9 years ago I met my boyfriend online and we were together for like a year and I got graped and he thought I cheated and we spilt but some time after we hooked up like once or twice then disappeared. Lately 2020-2021 we hooked up again and he was dating and I was in a relationship and I got mad because he had the girls picture on his wallpaper and I lashed out . He went away and ghosted me after that and months later he’s having a baby with the girl then that baby died and afterwards he reached out to me and we convince me to start a relationship with him again and I finally said yes . During the first 6 months I thought we were good until he told me she’s pregnant and I cried and he told me he’s going fix it .
Then he ghosted me for weeks and went on vacation with her while she was pregnant and during all that time I stayed thinking it’ll get better until she gave birth . Fast forward into the two years later we started taking our relationship to the next level because I thought he had broken up with her and just co-parenting. Then when I confronted it he lashed out and said he’s not leaving her because he promised her to stay because of the baby . And I still stick around because I’m holding onto the fact that I really love him .
One day he said he’s going to visit his child but he’s going to stay at their house and I did my best at being ok with it . After that he told me I should come stay with him and things got bad between us we fought because I caught him hiding and talking to the mother of child and we fought . Everytime I told him to just co-parent with her he doesn’t have to be in a relationship with her he curse me out saying he’s never going to leave her . And whenever I tried confronting her he gets real defensive and things get ugly .
Recently I started my a new job and I was getting ride from my coworker (M26)who I had no intention of being with for the past month I’ve been traveling back and forth to work with him and my boyfriend keeps acting weird about it and I assure him that nothing is going on and really nothing was really happening. So one day my boyfriend started to disrespect me everyday and picking arguments I cried I lost my appetite I reach out in many different ways to him because I wasn’t doing anything I was just working until he blocked me .
So my coworker saw everything and took me out to clear my head because I cried and I was aching all over and I couldn’t hide anymore and people around me started to see.
But before all of that I went to my best friend (F22) trying to talk her about what’s going in my relationship and she started to get mad at me saying I should mentioned my boyfriend to her because I don’t deserve him so I started to feel worst I was more angry and sad . So when my coworker ask me to come outside I told my best friend and she was convincing me to go even when I didn’t want to she got mad at me.
So I went one thing lead to another thing happened and I instantly regretted it because I made a promise to myself also that I’d never be with another man . And I didn’t talked about after with anybody but my best friend and she was so happy she couldn’t see I was dying inside . The day after everything happen my boyfriend called me apologizing for happened and told me he knew what happened and he wants me still and I told him no that I hurt him he doesn’t deserve me after how I let dumb people and decision took me over . He said he forgives me and he wants me to come home and for weeks we cried and sat on the phone for hours for all those time he’s more gentle with me he treated me so good I was scared . After reconnecting with my best friend I confronted her of she lets me down and I reconnected with my boyfriend and she told me she’s not talking me until I’m nowhere around and I told her if she can’t be happy for me then I’m not going to talk to her none at all and that’s the end of our friendship. So now I’m all alone . During the first few weeks the coworker reached out to me and told him not to because what happened is messing up everything for me and I’m trying to hold on my boyfriend.
TLDR: But even though I deeply regretted it and how sorry I am I can’t express it . So now my boyfriend’s is getting mad at me and ignoring me and still being in a relationship with the mother of his child and entertaining other people who likes him .
I can’t express what I’m feeling because past trauma is that nobody never listens and if they do it won’t solve anything so over the years and time I learn to tuck everything and let it eat me up inside .
But I’m really sorry .
People will say cheating is a choice or an act of betrayal but this for me wasn’t and I don’t know if I’m being crazy for saying that .
But right now he’s mad at me and telling me bad things after he begged me to work this out with him and to stay and better .
But I’m honestly speaking that I was never suppose to and I’ll never do it again .
I just to know if this can fix or what do I really do