AITA for wanting my daughter (7) to come home a week before school instead of a day?
My daughters dad and I share custody (no court order) but we usually agree on things so I never felt it was needed(yeah, I know, dumb). Never married to her father.
She’s about to go into 1st grade, we switched houses while she was gone but obviously she knew about it. Along with that’s she’s going to a new school. Her dad wanted to drop her off a day before school started and I told him absolutely not. I wanted her to come home and get acclimated to her new house and go to the meet your teacher event/tour her new school before the first day. I would also have to take her shopping for uniforms and obviously I can’t do that with one day (if he were to drop her off early enough in the day anyways). We live about 5ish hours away from each other. He usually gets her all of her summer breaks and we switch “major holidays” every other year. Again, it’s working fine and we usually agree on things. Her father is saying I’m making a big deal out of nothing and it’s fine for her to come home the day before school starts and is giving me shit for it but said “if you wanna come get her then come get her” and is now ignoring me when I asked how I made it a big deal.
AITA?
Edit:grammar
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AITA for wanting my daughter (7) to come home a week before school instead of a day?
My daughter and her dad share custody (no court order) but we usually agree on things so I never felt it was needed(yeah, I know, dumb). Never married to her father.
She’s about to go into 1st grade, we switched houses while she was gone but obviously she knew about it. Along with that’s she’s going to a new school. Her dad wanted to drop her off a day before school started and I told him absolutely not. I wanted her to come home and get acclimated to her new house and go to the meet your teacher event/tour her new school before the first day. I would also have to take her shopping for uniforms and obviously I can’t do that with one day (if he were to drop her off early enough in the day anyways). We live about 5ish hours away from each other. He usually gets her all of her summer breaks and we switch “major holidays” every other year. Again, it’s working fine and we usually agree on things. Her father is saying I’m making a big deal out of nothing and it’s fine for her to come home the day before school starts and is giving me shit for it but said “if you wanna come get her then come get her” and is now ignoring me when I asked how I made it a big deal.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Wanting to get my daughter earlier than what we agreed on at first. Because I’m changing plans last minute and he says I’m making a big deal out of nothing
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, it may unfortunately be time to create a formal custody agreemen.
ESH she’s gonna need a uniform but this is the sort of thing that happens when you stay out of court
Tell him you’ll be there Tuesday.
NTA
nta. go get her when you want
NTA- she needs time to readjust from summer schedule to school schedule.
NTA.
NTA. It’ll be difficult to get things done in one day. Maybe u can give him a list of things he needs to do before bringing her home. He can be the one to buy the uniforms, get the backpack and school supplies, etc. Maybe when he sees how hard it is to do everything he won’t fight u about it next year.
NTA But you need a formal custody agreement. You daughter needs time to adjust.
NTA. Your requests are reasonable.
YTA – you switching houses is a you issue that should not impact her Dad’s time where he gets her for the full school break.
Also, I personally think spending time with her Dad is way more important than a meet your teacher / tour school at 7 yo.
Why is she necessary to buy uniforms – don’t you know her size?
“Cool, I’ll be there n Tuesday”.
Pick her up and leave it at that.
NAH
Get. A. Court. Order.
Why the fuck do people think they can go indefinitely without a court order. No exes are going to always agree or get along. You can attend meet the teacher no matter where she sleeps and surely you can buy her uniforms without her present. Maybe have her come back to you a day or two early, but a whole week is not necessary
NTA. , but maybe ask if he would like to come up for the day to meet her teacher etc. and get her a couple of school uniforms and back to school supplies.
NTAH. Go get the kid, then get a custody agreement in front of a judge.
NAH. Starting school brings a whole host of new issues with a child. The informality of choices and decisions between you two may have worked. However, you will do yourself and your child a service if you become for formal now. If you aren’t getting child support through the state, I suggest you do this. An accurate accounting in a formal setting along with negotiated court orders will benefit everyone later. There will come up sharp disagreements in the future. Guaranteed as your child grows and outward focused more.
Info: what’s the problem with you just going to get her then? He said if you want to come get her, come get her.
NAH. Your side makes sense to you. He has reasons for keeping it the way it was originally planned. Unfortunately, in situations like yours, this is how it pans out. Without a court order, you won’t always get it your way. And you can’t control how he views it as far as what is best for your kid.
NTA—even if she were coming back to the same house and school she left at the beginning of summer, it takes a little time to adjust from “summer time” to “school time”
With all the added stressors, she definitely needs a week’s worth of adjustment time.
NTA – she needs to be back to get fitted for her uniform and get back into a school schedule.
Just pick the kid up now and say that’s the only day you can do it if you have to drive
Let him have his time with her or find a compromise. Don’t let this ruin your successful coparenting.
NAH as long as you and her father keep communicating and putting her first.
By “switching houses”, do you mean you moved into a new home?
NTA. I’d go get her as he said that was OK.
I’m going to say YTA because you had a change in circumstances and you are now demanding your ex accommodate you.
Look, it’s reasonable to want a few days for your kiddo to check out her new space, meet her teacher, and get school supplies ready, plus get into a school routine.
However, this isn’t her first year of school. You did kindergarten last year. And with that set a precedent that kiddo would come back from dad’s early. Now, with a month before school starting you are saying hey ex, btw, you need to lose a week with the kid and change your schedule to get her back to me. This is something that should have been hammered out by the first of the year or immediately upon leading you were moving. If you just figured out that you had to move within the last month, that’s a strike against you.
The proper move here, and what would likely be the ruling if you did have a court order that laid out your current custody arrangement is that and you guys couldn’t come to an agreement, is that you would be responsible for going to get kiddo either at the mid week point or on the Sunday that is 8 days before the Monday of the week of the first week of school. (So if school started on Aug 6, pick up would have been July 27.) pick up would be at your cost.
And that you would have to make up the lost time to your ex. Which means you have to give hime back those days. So if you switch off Christmas break and this is your year for Christmas, and she gets a week off, you lose Christmas this year so he gets his week back. That does mean he would get 3 Christmases in a row unless he agreed to trade something with you.
If her Christmas break is two weeks and you take her back from Dad a week early to get ready for school and the new house then she spits the break between the two of you. If you go up on Wednesday and pick her up at 5pm or whatever your normal drop time is, then you would owe him four days (Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday).(If the drop off is usually like 8 am, then it’s 3 days).
And as a side note, it isn’t uncommon for kids who split summers like this for custody to show up at the school year home on the Saturday of the week school starts.
Look, you don’t have to have a court order, but work with a mediator who specializes in family law to iron out a custody agreement. They will help you iron out eventualities. Like what happens if it’s dad’s year for Christmas and she has covid and can’t travel. How is that lost time handled. As she gets older, or even starting this year, what happens if she starts playing a sport and there is a game on Saturday but that is your handover day? If you or your ex has to travel for some kiddo can’t or isn’t going with during their custody time does the other parent have right if first refusal?
You can have a detailed custody agreement that isn’t through the court if things are amicable and just rely on that document in the event things aren’t happening. Meaning you then file with the court and say hey, we had this agreement and they aren’t doing it.
Keep in mind though, with all things custody, your agreement can go out the window if the court finds it isn’t in the best interest of the child.
Nah but neither is he. Why wasn’t this discussed before the summer visit?
NTA
Go get her, and consult a custody lawyer. It’s great that you and your ex have been able to figure things out without one, so far, but IMO if he is going to behave like this every time you disagree about something, you should save yourself the grief.
NTA, but i hope Dad is also going to be included in meeting the teacher.
ESH
Your daughter only has a limited amount of time with her other parent each year – time that probably means the world to her – and you’ve decided to take a week of that precious time away from her without any consideration how missing that time with her father will make her feel.
Her father is refusing to bring her home a day or two early to help her adjust to her new situation, again without any consideration how that will make her feel.
You should go to court. The court will make it all about what’s in your daughter’s best interests and won’t give a rat’s behind what you adults want, as it should be.
Is there a compromise to be had? If he wants to drop her off Sunday and you want her home the previous Sunday could he get her there early Tuesday afternoon for meet your teacher Tuesday night? (Or whatever day meet your teacher is). Maybe dad could even go to see the new school and meet the teacher too?
You aren’t being unreasonable, but if there is an agreement about what time each of you have, then yeah you would be the AH.
I suggest you get a written agreement.
NAH.
NTA, it sounds reasonable that you’d need her early. Does it have to be an entire week early? Either way I’d say it’s time for custody to be written out and overseen by a court of law. It’s great that it’s worked out so far but the older she gets the more messy custody can become.
YTA if by “I told him absolutely not” means you responded to his suggested drop off time with a fighting attitude. Explain calmly and reasonably, which really should have been done before she moved to his for the summer.
Otherwise ESH.
Edit to add: NTA after extra info. Both parents have valid wishes but dad sounds like he’s trying to change things and now just being petty so extra AH points.
I’ve split custody since my son was born. I’ve done both ways and I will say it is gonna be harder on her to come home the day before. Kids do need a bit to acclimate. Especially a 1st grader. Her sleep schedule, her routine everything needs to get back on track and you need school shopping too? I’d say definitely a week with the shopping. Minimum before the weekend
A formal court agreement would probably not work here.
OP is asking for a modification of an agreed arrangement.
If there was an agreement, father would probably be within his right to stand his ground.
Explanation and negotiation sound like a better strategy, especially given that it seems there is some relationship.
It seems like you have set a precedent that you have custody during your school year and your ex has custody all summer long. So you get to deal with homework, and the limitations of the daily school schedule on your worklife, whereas your ex gets to take your daughter to the beach and other vacations. Was it wise for you to set that sort of precedent? You might need legal help to find a way to change it so you can spend some time with your daughter when you can take her on vacations and so on?
5 hour drive day before school starts. That’s gonna work well.
Get a custody order. Go get your kid.
BUT how was this not discussed before now? Like, you had all summer to sort this out.
ESH for the lackadaisical approach with no parenting order, and both of you not having this sorted well before now, although you’re not wrong in your viewpoint.
NTA.
A new school and new house in the same week is a massive upheaval for your daughter. I agree with you that a full week to ease her into these changes would be far more thoughtful and considerate of her needs than a single day.
I had just turned six when my family suddenly moved house, which also meant changing schools. In a single day I lost all my old friends, had to make new ones, had to adjust to new teachers and a different school system, had to get used to a different house and different bedroom-sharing arrangements, had to learn my way around a completely unfamiliar suburb.
The upheaval turned me from a confident, outgoing, happy child to a deeply anxious one. That anxiety has stayed with me my entire life – and I’m now in my sixties. My OCD symptoms started from exactly that time, I think as an attempt to calm myself down and control an environment that seemed to be spinning out of control. It was just too much, too fast. A week or two before starting school, to get used to changed living arrangements, would have helped me adjust.
If your daughter’s dad thinks you’re making a big deal out of nothing, show him this comment.
If you and he don’t have a formal custody arrangement, I think it’s time to get one.
Also, no matter what he says to provoke you into an argument (e.g. “You worry too much!”) don’t take the bait. Focus on your daughter’s needs. She is the most important person here.
You can’t buy the uniforms without her being there? Most children that age would not need to try on clothing, parents know what sizes fit.
It sounds like you simply didn’t talk to your ex about how YOU envisioned getting your child ready for school. You should have set this all up with him earlier.
He sounds dismissive of your concerns, sure. But just go get the uniforms on your own and then go with her on her first day and don’t make this into a bigger deal than it is. Don’t make her memories about you and him, just do your best to make this new chapter in her life fun (despite it not being what you envisioned).
ESH
NTA…he’s had her ALL summer.
I get your reasoning, but at the same time..
Your informal custody agreement appears to be ‘all of her summer breaks’.
Meaning you’re trying to change the agreement. Even with a custody order in place that solidified the agreement… He’d still be allowed to have her until the day before, not the week before.
Your lack of planning doesn’t an emergency make for him. So yes, if you need her home earlier, you are going to have to put in the work.
Gonna go YTA
NTA. At the younger age, they really do need more time to get back to routine.
Compromise at 3-4 days.