Am I (25f) for my boyfriend (24m)
So to clarify I love my boyfriend and our sex life it great. As a woman I don’t want to be the one to start sex each time. We have been together for a year and when we started dating I expressed that I am ‘scared’ of intimacy and giving head because of past experiences. He respected that to its peak in the beginning.
He also expressed that he is a very sexual person and didn’t want to push me away. I started to wake him up with head and sex because I trust him so much and want to do it all to him.
The only thing is that it feels like I want it more than him at times. Is he trying to be respectful or could it be something else?
I love this man and sex WILL NEVER be a reason to end things so I don’t want to hear that. I’ve went years without sex so it’s whatever with that, but I’m in the situation where I’m not used to wanting it so much. I would love to hear a man’s perspective to better understand the situation. Thank you in advance to anyone who responds.
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How long were you low or no sex with him ?
Sometimes as a guy when with a partner that is low labido or what not you start to match that you love the person just the same but sex becomes a back burner thing … And it just takes some time and effort (on both people’s part) to bring it back
He might just be trying to be respectful.
My wife initiates most of the time with me, not because I dont want it, but simply because I want to be respectful. I dont want to pester her if she isn’t in the mood. And I also want to show that she’s more to me than her body, I don’t want her to feel like I’m using her.
And she would wake me up as well, and I love it. Its the best.
He’s trying to be respectful because he did say that he’s a sexual person. It doesn’t hurt to initiate first. You can just feel him up, and he’s up for it, then go for it. I think most men would love to have sex if they love their women.
Your post doesn’t include the numbers…
Are you wanting to do it multiple times a day and he only wants it once a month?
Those details matter for me. You want to do it all the time, what does that mean?
He said he considers himself a very sexual person. Which, should be chemistry here, no? Just not executed properly.
Also maybe worth considering… You’ve been very shy to get into it at the start, so he is still treading carefully with you.
The other thing worth considering… Not everything is going to be a perfect match in a relationship. Someone is going to make more money than the other, right? If you make 100K, he makes 80K, yet you reject him even though you’re literally in the same ball park, I am going to roll my eyes.
Same thing about sex drives. Someone wants it daily. But the other is a 3 times a week type… That difference ripping a relationship apart? Its in the same ball bark… I can’t help but say “Really? Zero interest in toning it down? 3 times a week is still pretty dam frequent” if that’s happening here.
What’s your root problem here?
You don’t like it how the initiation is resting on you… If its that, its a fair thing to adjust.
But you also need to give the other person room to have a chance for it. Because if you’re constantly asking for it, then they’re going to say no a decent amount. And probably be less inclined to initiate on their own terms since they’re more focused on dodging the advances instead of coming of with their own.
And with your new found love for sex… Maybe the focus should be on developing the quality of it. Explore the bed room together. Expand on what you know.
I love quality > quantity. A hill I will die on… Once a week. Mind blowing session for an hour+, rocking each-others worlds… Hell of a lot more satisfactory than daily 5 minute quickies. I rather watch a great movie than a bunch of reels.
Maybe a gear worth shifting into here… Developing the quality depth, the shyness is finally coming down, doors are open to explore all the bags and tricks together.
Hmmm… Not sure maybe he went in that mode faster trying to be supportive…. Like for me my wife gets a medical condition when she’s prego that’s morning sickness on steroids.. so obviously she doesn’t want sex and I do so I try and stay away from sexy time stuff and eventually it’s not a problem… Untile it is and she wants that stuff again and me now not so much .. us basically switching places … I get it back eventually it just takes time
You told him you were scared of intimacy now tell him that you’re not
Problem solved
There’s no point making up problems…
If i was him, I would marry you without thinking.
My wife was horribly and repeatedly SA’d as a child. She explained it to me in the beginning of our relationship and wanted to take it real slow which we did. There were times when we were intimate where she had a major panic attack
See her that scared and afraid left a lasting memory
Like you she finally found her groove but i was extremely careful not to trigger her like i had done before
She started bringing me to her therapy appointments so we could all discuss everything. The therapist gave us some “Homework” and things moved along quickly
I led a sheltered life and never knew what happened to my wife really happened
My wife is still in therapy and we have been together over 45 years. Yes she still gets triggered sometimes but she comes to me for help
Your BF may be having a reaction like i did. communication is key. I did everything i could to not hurt my GF/Wife.
Ask for what you want. Tell him what you want him to do to you. It can be both sexy AND reinforces consent. Win win!
Sounds like he is just being respectful. And it sounds like you haven’t had a lot of agency around sex so it’s just going to take time. It’s normal for some people to get a higher drive when they are with the right person. It’s also okay to voice your insecurities and look for assurance from your partner. When I first started having sex with my now nesting partner it felt weird.
Just talk and communicate with each other. There is also benefit to exploring things like tantric sex together.
Intimacy is so important, yet we seem to avoid actually learning how to do it…..yet there are lessons and courses for every other aspect of our lives.