Me and my GF have been together since first year college and graduated together. Before we started working together she told me that for the first 2 years of work she’ll be dedicating her money to her family as means of paying back as a “thank you”. Despite that I agreed to live together with her in our own rented apartment. It came with a few challenges such as me having to share and virtually run out of my own money after she gives the majority of what she makes to her family. We split everything from the bills to food so it’s hard once she runs out of money she has to use mine. I told myself “It’s okay this should be over in 2 years”.
Fast forward 2 years and we now work overseas and she is still doing the same thing I’m almost getting sick of it and want to leave her then and there we fought a lot over it but she can’t get over “They’re my family i owe them everything”. She has not saved anything at this point, what little I save from my salary after my bills and loans gets used up by me and her. What should I do? Do I toughen it out or just leave?
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Me and my GF have been together since first year college and graduated together. Before we started working together she told me that for the first 2 years of work she’ll be dedicating her money to her family as means of paying back as a “thank you”. Despite that I agreed to live together with her in our own rented apartment. It came with a few challenges such as me having to share and virtually run out of my own money after she gives the majority of what she makes to her family. We split everything from the bills to food so it’s hard once she runs out of money she has to use mine. I told myself “It’s okay this should be over in 2 years”.
Fast forward 2 years and we now work overseas and she is still doing the same thing I’m almost getting sick of it and want to leave her then and there we fought a lot over it but she can’t get over “They’re my family i owe them everything”. She has not saved anything at this point, what little I save from my salary after my bills and loans gets used up by me and her. What should I do? Do I toughen it out or just leave?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am I the asshole for yelling at my GF and in one of our thoughts told her to just forget her family for just a few seconds and think of her own future
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NAH but it’s not sustainable. She needs to commit to a time when she will bring something monetary to the relationship or this won’t last long term
You were patient and supportive for two years, like you agreed. But she’s breaking that agreement and it’s directly draining your finances and future. It’s not just about helping her family, it’s about her not prioritizing the life you’re building together
Well you’re asking AITA but you haven’t said how you’ve yelled at her or what you’d be the a hole about… Advice wise, you gotta talk to her about it and if you’re not willing to put up with it (which you certainly do not have to) then you should leave. Finances are a leading cause for divorce cause it is a big deal and if you guys want a future together and/or marriage or kids, you gotta be on the same page about finances.
So I would recommend having a conversation about what her plan is moving forward. It sounds like you are not cool with you being the one who has to chip in because she sends all her money to her family. I mean if I gave her advice it would be to save some money to have incase of emergency and send the rest if that’s what she wants to do.
You have to draw a HARD line. If she wants to spend all her money on her family then she can do that. But she doesn’t get a dime from you because that will build resentment which I’m guessing it’s already doing.
Or you leave. But be sure to tell her that it’s not that she send money to her family, it’s because she doesn’t make smart financial decision since she is counting on you to save her from a choice she made.
You need to tell her that you can’t sacrifice your life and money for her parents before she gives anything away she needs to take care of her own house. Because you can’t keep drowning because she wants to help her parents. Talk to her and tell her she needs to keep her side of the bills and if she can’t and refuses to then maybe you need to reconsider
You have to go with your gut but she has proven to you that her family comes before you. Tell her the only way to keep going, is that the same money she give to her parents, you can put in a saving account that she can’t touch. If she give 1000 to her parents then you put 1000 in your account or give it to your parents. Let’s see how she like that because she is using you to keep up with her parents demands.
Leave. This will be your life. If you have kids their lives will be in service to her family.
NTA but you need to stop allowing her to use your money when hers runs out. Split all bills 50/50 or according to income and show her the reality of sending all of her money to her family. Also this might be a glimpse into what married life with her will be like…
NTA, once she runs out of money don’t give her any, set strong boundaries and explain to her that once she gives all her money away to her family and she pays her half of the bills you won’t be giving her anymore money or covering some of her expenses. See how she reacts and then make your decision to leave, from my experience it won’t get better
YTA for yelling. Yelling is a behavioral tantrum and is an act of violence and intimidation. That’s not how you treat people you love. If your financial approaches can’t be worked out, then end the relationship, but yelling is not necessary.
NTA – she will never stop. Dump her….she cares more about her family than herself and you. Why did you even do it this long, you’re just an ATM
Tell her you are so impressed by her dedication that you decided to do the same, next 2 years you ll sent money to your parents while she covers your expenses…
If you are not both on the same page, the relationship is doomed. I imagine that if she is unable to put you and your relationship first, you had best move on and find someone to share a life with, not just exist
NTA but if you marry her/stay with her, she and her family will put you in debt. Do not EVER merge accounts with her. And quit bailing her out. You say that she’s using your money, so stop letting her do that. At the very least, don’t let her use your money for anything other than bills or food; definitely don’t pay for any “extras” for her or her family. She’s only able to help her family because you’re paying for her.
You should leave. This is financial abuse. NTA and leave now!
Your emotions are valid but shouting isn’t reasonable.
That said you need to have a calm conversation and let her know that if she is not covering her own cost of living, that she is expecting you to support her parents and that is not okay.
That you are going to stop covering her share of costs and then you actually need to do that.
If it’s a deal-breaker for you, then yes break up over this if she can’t be reasonable and recognise her behaviour exhibits signs of being enmeshed with her parents.
Presuming this isnt a fake post for shits and giggles – and I’ve known people who were enmeshed and dysfunctional so it could just as easily be real.
She doesn’t owe them “everything.” This is lopsided.
She is telling you she isn’t going to change.
So what ur saying is that since youre paying for everything shes essentially giving your money to her parents
Sounds like a cultural thing, Indian culture i know try do this but thankfully its only prehistoric families that think kids owe them anything. You have kids to have kids so she owes them nothing. If you moved out what would she do she can’t live alone etc