My daughter is beginning to understand langauge, and my JNMIL has always heavily pressured us since birth to let her visit and babysit.
She talks about how much she misses LO, how she wants us to take a vacation and leave LO with her, etc. I’m waiting for her to tell LO directly and put her in the middle. How do you all handle it? We only see her every one or two months, but sometimes DH let’s her talk on the phone with LO.
My husband has never suggested she babysit, but he is embarassed and uncomfortable talking about it and will deny it and blame it on me if I bring it up. He insists on having some level of contact with her.
I feel like telling her if she quit smoking weed and drinking completely then I would think about letting her babysit, but that would cause WW3. She would rather drink and smoke than have a relationship with us, but she wants to blame me and act like I’m, “off the wall” for not wanting my kid in an unsafe situatio, and act like she’s a “loving grandma” who is the victim because I withhold access. It’s an elephant in the room that they don’t want to address.
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You have to protect your child at all costs. Leaving them with a person who drinks and smokes weed is not safe so you have every right to decline her demand.
Ask her why she is so desperate to be alone with a 3 year-old? What does she want to do that you aren’t allowed to see?
I would only allow supervised visits and if she doesn’t accept your terms, then she can’t see her grandchild.
Also you need to have a serious conversation with your husband.
I have a similar MIL and DH had a similar attitude. She’s chronically ill and unable to work even part time, yet expected to be a full time caregiver when I went back to work and constantly guilted us that she wasn’t having the grandma experience she expected. Even if she treated us respectfully and honoured all of our parenting choices, she would be an unsafe choice for childcare.
MIL started saying guilt trippy things to LO when LO was about 3 1/2. When DH asked her very respectfully not to say those things to LO bc even if MIL doesn’t intend it, those wordings make people feel bad, MIL flipped out and went on a smear campaign. That lead DH to FINALLY put down boundaries, saying we couldn’t resume a relationship unless she changes her behaviour. MIL refuses to acknowledge and change her behaviour, so we are NC now.
I’d honestly prefer LO could have healthy relationships with her paternal family, but it’s much more important for them to grow up with healthy adults who respect their autonomy and individuality. LO’s relationship with MIL is healthier after NC, and that’s what matters most
‘We only allow sober people to watch LO by themselves, for safety reasons. If a child is injured, there has to be someone who can drive her to the hospital.’
“No thanks!”
Considering you’ve got a post about knowing mil would attempt parental alienation if left alone with your child, that is reason enough for her not having unsupervised time. Insisting on alone time always gives me the heebitiejeebities. What do you want to do/say to my kid that you don’t want me witnessing.
I’d be proactive and let your husband know the first time she uses manipulative language to LO to get unsupervised access means she’s instantly in a timeout for all contact with LO for a set amount of months.
Meanwhile you also have a SO problem since he throws you under the bus for fear of rocking the boat with her.