I (24f) recently lost my dad. He had a 15 year old son, my half brother Samon. No one in my family wants to take him due to the fact that he’s my dad’s affair child, which he conceived during my late mom’s cancer treatment. Despite this, I love him dearly. Regardless of my dad’s massive assholery, Samon is my little brother.
I work in a lucrative field and own a nice condo which my (now ex) boyfriend Colin lived in with me rent free, he did contribute to utilities and other expenses though. We have the perfect home for Samon, and I can’t for the life of me think of a single reason that we couldn’t take him. When I brought it up with Colin, he said that she didn’t want to. I asked why, and he said that he just doesn’t feel like looking after a kid. I reminded him that Samon is 15 and won’t need constant attention or babysitting or anything like that, and Colin said that Samon would need “emotional attention” because he lost his father. I asked if he would really rather throw a fifteen year old kid into the foster system than deal with the emotional needs of said fifteen year old, and Colin said “yes” while looking a bit shameful.
I ended up giving him the ultimatum that Samon and I are a package deal, that I would be taking guardianship and that Samon would be moving in. I made it clear that the only choice Colin had was if he wanted to keep the relationship and stay in the house. He called me heartless for choosing my “cheating dad’s bastard son” over our five year relationship. I called him heartless for talking that way about a literal child, and he looked at me astonished and went to start packing.
I love my ex, I really do, but Samon comes first. He’s my own flesh and blood, the only brother I have, meanwhile there are plenty of other men out there. Still, my heart is breaking now that Colin’s moved out. I miss him, but I don’t regret my decision. Every time I think about what could have happened to my brother in foster care, I feel more love for my brother and less for Colin. My entire friend group has sided with Colin and pretty much ghosted me, which is what’s giving my pause here. So Aitah?
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NTA, A child shouldnt be blamed for the parents actions, and definitely should not be in the foster system with how its set up
That man fumbled a queen over a child he wouldn’t even have to parent
NTA. You did good.
NTA. But Colin and your entire friend group that ghosted you are AHs. To put a kid in foster care when you have the ability to provide a stable home is low.
Family always comes first.
Blood family or extended family.
You did good.
Good job for standing on your morals, while everyone around you didn’t.
I hope life rewards you.
NTA even a lil bit. You knew what you wanted and were going to do and you’ll have a lasting and loving connection for it. What blows me is the entire friend group cutting you off over this. They’re all gigantic assholes and honestly good riddance. I hope your new friend group isn’t so weird and hateful.
NTA omg. I completely understand not wanting to suddenly take on the responsibility of being a guardian to a kid, but at the end of the day, that’s your brother. Colin wasn’t forced to stay in the relationship, and im glad he’s your ex. Foster care is no joke, and he likely would come out of it with more trauma that wasn’t necessary. It’s bad enough to lose a parent, but to know that NONE of your family was willing to take you in and you have your entire life turned upside down because of it? It can destroy you mentally. I say this as someone who was in a very similar situation at 13 and aged out of the system.
Your brother did not choose his life and should not have to face such trauma because of the actions of his father. Your ex calling him a bastard is absolutely insane and that alone would be enough for me to leave.
I too have younger brothers who I ended up in foster care with. The product of my cheating mother, but I do not love them any less. They’re my everything. Fortunately for them, they’ve been adopted. Unfortunately for me, I will never get to see them again unless they decide to look for me after they turn 18. I WISH I would have been old enough to care for them instead of being forced to be separated because nobody wants to adopt a 16 year old. Never let anyone come in between you and your siblings, it’s not worth it. Good riddance to Colin, you can do better than that selfish loser. Find better friends too. Honestly what did they expect? You just let your brother go to who knows where to deal with who knows what when you’re perfectly capable of taking him in? Absolutely the fuck not.
NTA. You made the choice you felt you had to make, and so did Colin. But given his attitude, and the fact that you clearly care a lot about Samon, I think you made the correct call. Carry on, and find better friends.
Your ex is weak and lacks character. He probably wasn’t worried about the attention your brother might need, but he WAS worried about having to share his personal ATM.
NTA
Thankfully he showed you who he really was before you ended up marrying him.
With friends like those who needs enemies? Nta, I wish you and Samon all the best in life.
Has your (ex) boyfriend forgotten YOU also just lost a dad? You’re also going to need emotional attention and if anything you and your brother would be supporting each other during the mourning process.
I’m so proud of you and your efforts for Samon.
The main point is that you love your brother. And as rational and smart adult you understand, that there is nothing good for 15 yo in a foster care. His chance to be adopted are close to zero, most likely he would be put in a group home. Your ex, on the other hand, is so self centered that he could not even think of sharing your attention and affection. Good riddance. And for those “friends” – they are not good people. NTA
NTA, you’re an awesome sister OP
Colin was obviously enjoying the perks of being your boyfriend, rent free condo and all your attention.
The prospect of your resources/time going to someone else plus him having to show someone empathy was obviously enough to show you his true colours, anyone who would willing put a grieving kid in foster when there is a great alternative isn’t anyone who I’d want to be with.
Good luck to you and your brother
NTA. I think you are Queen of big sister as well as a decent human being. clearly Colin is not good enough for you and did you a favour so you can find your King.
A real man wouldn’t have mooched off you. Congratulations on your loss.
So Colin holds a grudge against your father’s affair child even though you don’t? WTF?
Sounds to me like Colin just basically didn’t want someone in the house that you would care about and pay attention to. There’s one asshole here and it’s him.
You are a good person who has chosen to do a good thing.
Of course you’re NTA.
You’re doing what any decent sister would do by helping your grieving brother in his time of need.
Your ex boyfriend’s attitude was heartless and you seem like a loving and generous person so I don’t think you and he would be compatible in the long run.
I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m glad your brother has a sister like you to help him navigate his grief.
❤️
NTA he should you who really is before you got married thankfully. Someone who can’t put the need of family above his own comfort isn’t worth keeping.
Good on you for being the best version of yourself.
You will find another man but your brother can’t find another sister.
He called you heartless for not throwing your brother into foster care. Ok then. Glad you got rid of him, now he will have to start paying rent elsewhere and will regret his decision when he has little money at the end of every month. Scree your friends also, tell them to cut off their sibling and see how they will say that is different. Can’t blame a child on how they were born into this world.
No child should be punished for the sins of a parent.
My mother told me this when I was 10 years old back in 1976. I remember it distinctly. I asked her what a street walker was. She answered that it was a person who sold their body for money. It was an age appropriate response and even though I didn’t fully understand, I was satisfied. I then told my mother that there was a boy at school who was teased because his mother was a street walker. She grasped my arm firmly, bent down to look me in the eye, and said to never punish a child for the sins of a parent. She ensured that I would never tease that poor child.
Colin has shown you his true colours and you should be grateful for that. His own comfort is more important to him than any moral or personal justification. Screw Colin 💩
How is that even a question? NTA and if this is real, you’re way better off without these ‘friends’ (and Colin, obviously).
NTA- You are doing a good thing by looking out for your brother. You’ll find a better partner and friends.
You did the right thing. He deserves to be your ex. I’m glad you found out how heartless and selfish he was before you spent any more time with him. Same goes for your friend group who support him.
Damn!! You have a huge heart!! Good for you.
Don’t worry about Colin the skidmark. NTA
So NTA. You are a gem OP and I’m glad your brother has you. Best wishes for you both.
You were with Colin from 19yo. I’m gonna guess that the ‘friends’ were couple friends that you both hung out with – and they like Colin more.
To be clear, they are 100% wrong. Choose your brother and meet new friends.
NTA
Your love and commitment to your brother in this tough time are truly admirable. Choosing family over anything else takes courage. You made the right choice, and that says a lot about who you are. Be kind to yourself.
Even if he had said he was fine with Samon living there, letting him stay would have been a mistake because he would not have treated him well.
nta
your ‘friends’ seem to be either (at best) as ‘lofty’ as your ex, or he added things in his ‘tales’ that you do not know.
All that react like that are not worthy of your friendship (I’d even take a moment and think back, are they the ones who loved to get invites but not pay? To order more expensive stuff with even splits? …?)
NTA. If your ex can’t handle emotional efforts, that was going to eventually affect you in the future. Better he show if now and save you the time.
Wishing you and your brother the best.
NTA your ex fumbled this big time. You show your character in loving your little brother despite your fathers unforgivable actions. Your brother has been your life since the day he was born and was before your ex was in the picture. I hope samon while devastated at losing y’all’s father, understands how much you love him.
All your friends think you should put your much loved brother into foster care? With friends like this, who needs enemies?
NTA, if your entire friend group is ghosting you over this Colin is either telling it to them differently or they are all AHs, in which case you’re better off without them.
You did the right thing OP and your ex boyfriend can go and suck it.
NTA. Colin is a heartless jerk. You made the right decision. You can find a better bf.
NTA. I think you are doing the right thing. Your brother shouldnt be blamed for your dads actions. Your ex, your friends and your family are AH though. Good on you for stepping up.
NTA- Colin threw away five years not you. You made it clear you were stepping up and being a mature adult, all you asked was him to be ready to step up too.
NTA! And your friends suck if they took Colin’s side.
Regardless of how Samon was conceived- it wasn’t his choice how he was brought into the world . Thankfully he has you in his corner.
Ntah, my biological mother ended up not able to be adopted at 14 and went onto the streets where she became an underage sex worker. and it really messed her up. Which is why all my siblings and I were adopted out to different families.
It really is horrific to go into foster care at that age, and setting the kid up for failure. Specially since there is still family that cares, even if that family is only you. I would have done the same thing in your position. No partner is worth abandoning a loved underaged sibling for.
The guy is totally heartless and self absorbed. And a narcissist by the sounds of how he smear campaigned all the mutual against you. Theres no way most people would agree with the truth, so he had to have twisted it somehow. If they actually have the same ideals, they are not worth listening to or having in your life either. To the bin with all of them. There are better friends out there to be had.
BF is a POS. You are saving your kid brother’s life here. Your friends are also pretty shit to side with him.
So basically none of those people were actually your friends. Colin is actually a dirty piece of shit.
Nta
Looks like your half brother took out the trash. Now you can get actual friends!
Your friend group isn’t siding with Colin because they think he’s right. I’m so sorry, but they are doing it to distance from you because they are young and are afraid to relate to someone who has a dependent. It’s common also for teen or young adult moms when they have a baby that their friends stop showing up for them. It’s a really hard lesson to learn. It is not your fault, it’s their immaturity unfortunately. Some of them may come around, but it would be a good idea to build a bit of a support system for yourself with new friends. Definitely join a parenting group or a support group for foster parents or something. Because Samon is old enough to mind himself to a degree, but he’s still a kid and you will still have to be the parent in some situations. You’ll need a village of others going through the same stuff.
There are times in life where you are given a choice. Sometimes making the right choice hurts. It’s a no-brainer to be honest. You have the space and the funds to take your brother, but in the process lost someone you loved deeply. Colin made his choice, and it was the wrong one.
Tell your friends group your side of the story, or send them a link to this post, the chances are he’s told them you kicked him out so Samon could live with you, not that he was willing to throw a child to the wolves because he’s an incredibly unempathetic loser. I honestly don’t know how your entire friend group can side with him unless they have been fed a real line of BS. One or two maybe, but all of them? Some of them have to be decent people who wouldn’t abandon a child.
As for Colin, no loss there. He’s really going to regret what he’s done, as he’s now got to actually pay for his accommodation and won’t find anything as nice or as cheap. Be prepared for him to come crawling back and love bomb you to try to get back into your home. Stay strong. As Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”. He’s shown his true colours, and while you’ve grown as a person since you met him as a teenager, he hasn’t. If you let him back into your life he’ll make your brothers life miserable. And as soon as he hits 18 he’ll start telling you your job is done and your brother needs to leave and fend for himself. I guarantee it.
NTA I hate when people blame the child.
I have a friend who’s an affair child. You can see the weight of it on her sometimes, like a chain round her neck of other people’s sins, that she’s expected to carry. Thankfully she had a mum who loved her and one of her siblings did see beyond the sins of the parents and she had a great relationship with her sister till she passed. She cherishes those memories as all her other living relatives still refuse to speak to her. We’re in our 50s.
So thankyou. Thankyou for seeing your brother as just a person, as your brother. Be glad your ex didn’t stay as his feeling were very clear on the matter and I could see him calling your brother some nasty names.
And definitely get better friends. No loss with them.
NTA Colin showed you exactly the type of man he is. It’s one thing not wanting to parent a child that’s not his which is fare enough that his right, but to refer to that child as, “cheating dad’s bastard son”. Nope that’s not the type of man you want or need around you or your brother. A child shouldn’t be punished for his parent’s poor decisions. Nor should he be placed in foster care when there is family who can take him. To not take him because he is a product of an affair is diabolical. Shame on the family on your dad’s side who believes this is an ok excuse not to take a child. You are doing the right thing giving that boy a home after losing his parents. Just make sure that you get him some therapy to help him navigate through his emotions. I’m sure this will be a tough time for him.
Samson is a person, not the embodiment of your father’s mistake. The AHs in this story are all the people who are punishing a child for something his dad before he was born.
Your ex could have been an adult here. He could have walked away because hes not in a position to help you raise a teenager, or even to live in the same household. That wiuld have been a NAH situation. Instead he tried to get you to change your mind and threw around insults about a kid who is completely innocent in all this, making him a mega AH.
You need to step back and have a good hard look at the people you have surrounded yourself with. These are not good people. The simple fact that your friends think Colin the twat is correct beggars belief. This is a reflection of their lack of character rather than an issue with you. Move forward without the lot of them, find friends who have good solid character and are decent people and thank your lucky stars you had a lucky escape from your ex. Good luck to you and your brother.
You are doing the right thing. Your friends are being jerks.
You and your brother can help each other heal.
And it will be a bit harder with a teen, but go take up a hobby where people gather for. Widen your circle. Make some real friends who wouldn’t abandon you after the loss of your father for looking out for your brother. There was no need for them to take sides in this. You both are doing what you need to do at this point in your life.
It’s like they are taking out how your brother came into the world on him, as if he asked for it to be under those conditions.
I’m sorry for your loss. To put your brother first during a time like this is quite admirable.
You are amazing for what you are doing. I have no doubt you will find someone worthy of you. The world needs more people like you. You are wiser than your years
NTA. Your father is a POS, but the kid is innocent. And since it seems like you have a good relationship with your brother, you took him in. I’m guessing his mother is not in the picture?
Looks like you’ve had a great escape from someone who is an unpleasant selfish person. Colin was obviously enjoying his life on what appears to be mostly your resources and didn’t want to share with ‘some kid’
Good for you for getting your priorities right, you’ve probably saved your brother years of future therapy
And you’re right, there are a ton of other men out there just waiting to meet both you and your brother
NTAH
Wow. You are in no world or any other TAH. You are a wonderful stunning example of love and beauty. May your life be only filled going forward with people who are worth your time. You are an amazing sister and your little brother will grow up in a better place becusee of you. I’m so sorry for the loss of your father.
NTA
It’s his great loss, good luck for your future with your brother.
NTA but I understand his pov as well. Taking on your brother will probably be more work intensive than you think but I would do the same for my nieces (my siblings are all adults). He was way out of line with what he said about your brother though. Probably best you are parting ways.
NTA
You miss him – the “pre D-Day version” of him. It is normal to miss a former spouse after a breakup. This is part of the process after the breakup (the hormones and thoughts have to find a new level of “normal”).
Your ex had to leave his comfy nest. But who cares? Your ex is an adult, he can fend for himself. Your teenage brother still needs somebody to help him.
Your “friends” can judge you from outside, as bystanders who (possibly) never were in the position where you/ your sibling are right now. It sucks that the entire friend group seems to be this kind of shallow. Well, big change for all of you.
Dont worry, new friendships will wait in your life.
I think, you should say thank you to that AH for reviling his face before marriage or your own kids. He is selfish and it won’t change. You might think of other friends as well. If those people are on your ex’s side – they are just the same
You did the right thing. Your ex’s problem with you keeping your brother has nothing to do with how he was conceived, but everything to do with him not wanting your attention taken away from him. Kudos to you for not blaming your half brother for the actions of your dad and his affair partner
At 15 Samon probably won’t be living with you much more than another 5 years, depending on how he is as a human and isn’t one of those teens that just sits in his room stuck to his [insert console of choice] and wants to sit on his arse on your money for as long as possible..
For Colon to throw away your entire relationship over a couple of years of you looking after your brother seems a bit short sighted on his part..
NTA
Nta.
Good for you and he’s lucky to have a great sister.
Updateme!
NTA.